Enough

by A L Williams

  The call ended and I looked at the phone.

  He still wants you.

  Does he?

  Does he still want her?

  I fell back on the bed with a grunt. I was pathetic. When had I become a teenager pining over a boy I couldn't have? I squeezed my eyes shut.

  Or could I...?

  ▽

  I walked through the door of the courtroom. The freshly polished wood gleamed as I scooted to the end of a bench closest to the exit. Once I was settled, I looked at the groups of people flooding in. When I scanned the room, my eyes landed on the judge’s stand. On one side was the court reporter and clerk going through paperwork. On the other side the jury box sat empty—Izzy must have forfeited her right to one. Keith sat at the table on the other side of the railing that separated the gallery benches from the proceedings.

  Behind the railing on the first bench in the gallery was Ra dressed in a royal blue polo shirt. Izzy who wore more formal wear which consisted of black slacks and a teal satin blouse. She stood at the railing, hugging Ra.

  The bailiff appeared and stood at attention, facing us. “All rise. The court is now in session,” he said. Everyone stood, including me. Izzy turned and took her seat at the table next to Keith.

  I eyed Ra as he stepped away from the railing, his form vibrating with tension. The urge to go to him sent an ache through my chest. I fought it.

  The judge came in dressed in black robes and took her seat.” You may be seated,” the bailiff said.

  When we all were seated, the court room was quiet while the judge looked over the paperwork in front of her. Time seemed to drag on, the ticking clock behind me louder than it should be. I shifted on the hard bench and my gaze continued to go to Ra. I could only see the back of his head, but tension was rolling off him in waves. I clenched my hands in my lap. He needed me. I could feel it, but this wasn’t the place or time.

  When the judge finally looked up, court commenced. For the next few hours, the prosecutor and Keith went back and forth, picking apart each other’s points. The longer court dragged on the more Izzy slumped in her seat. Things weren’t looking good.

  When Keith and the prosecutor returned to their seats, the judge excused us for recess. I remained where I was, playing with a string that hung from my jeans, as Ra stood and left the room Not knowing was making my stomach churn. I couldn’t only imagine what he was going through. Izzy could face years in prison for killing that guy.

  I peered over at her and Keith, finding them talking quietly. Her eyes were sad and her face pale. My heart ached. Keith patted her shoulder. She glanced back and I followed her gaze to Ra. He took his seat behind her before offering her a smile.

  The judge returned about twenty minutes later and I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign. She looked over the papers in front of her, the rustling deafening. My heart drummed in my chest until the Judge finally looked up.

  “After hearing both sides. I have come to my decision. I find the defendant guilty of vehicular manslaughter,” the Judge said,

  My heart sank and my eyes darted to Ra. His body was rigid.

  “Sentencing will occur in thirty days. Court is adjourned,” the Judge said.

  “All stand,” the Bailiff said.

  I jumped to my feet along with everyone else and the judge exited. Once she was gone the others flooded out of the room and I followed before Ra could see me. Everything in me wanted to go to him and tell him everything would be all right. She had gotten off easy. Even so, I knew Ra’s mind was in chaos and he was blaming himself. I hurried out of the building glancing back once more before walking to the parking garage. One question lingered in my mind as I approached my car.

  What happens now?

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Rashawn

  I find the defendant guilty of vehicular manslaughter.

  I leaned back in the chair in Keith’s office, the Judge’s words echoing in my mind. When I heard it, my heart had almost stopped. It was real. Up until the verdict a part of me had hoped that the entire situation would go away. It was almost funny how delusional I’d been. Almost.

  “Things turned out great given the circumstances,” Keith said. I glanced up at him, finding him leaning on his desk in front of me. His shirt was untucked from his slacks and his arms were crossed on his chest. The sun had shifted to the west, beginning its descent to the mountains. I glanced towards the window, golden rays shining onto the blue-gray carpet.

  Keith sighed, pulling my attention back to him. He pushed off the desk and dropped in the chair next to me. I turned. “I’m sorry. That was insensitive. This must be hard for you. Is there any way I can support you?”

  I smiled. “No. Izzy needs more support than I do. This is her life.” My chest tightened.

  “True, but that doesn’t mean your emotions are invalid. It’s okay to hurt. It’s also okay to talk about it with someone you trust.” He looked down. “That’s if I’m someone you can trust.”

  “Of course, I trust you. You’re probably my closest friend and I can’t tell you how…” I paused, gripping the chair to calm my shaky hands. Was it really that hard for me to say it? It was true. I did appreciate Keith and I wanted him to know. Why was it so hard to get out? I swallowed and closed my eyes.

  Keith smiled. “It’s all right. I know.”

  I shook my head, determination taking over. “I appreciate you. Thank you.” I exhaled as the anxiety grew stronger. Dex’s face drifted through my mind.

  I want to support you. Why won’t you let me?

  “I was like you at one point.” Keith said. I peered at him as he leaned back, crossing his legs. “I didn’t trust anyone, and I kept everything bottled up. You know I had an eating disorder on top of body dysphoria. One day I collapsed and almost died. That’s when I was sent to a mental health center and got the help I needed. I should have done it sooner.” He said, with a sad smile.

  “Why didn’t you?” I blurted. I clamped my mouth shut.

  “It’s complicated, but a lot of it was that I didn’t think I deserved it.”

  I flinched.

  “I didn’t think I was good enough. No one wanted me. I was adopted when I was ten years old. I still remember my mother. I loved my adopted parents. They were everything my parents should have been.” Keith’s voice caught. He inhaled and exhaled deeply. “Still, I felt like I was unwanted so why would anyone want me?”

  My stomach churned and I tensed, trying to control the anxiety spreading through my body. “Can I hug you?” Keith asked.

  I blinked, finding him standing over me. Licking my dry lips I nodded. He reached over and pulled me close. I was stiff and awkward as he wrapped his arms around me, not holding back. He squeezed me close. “It’s okay to hurt.” My eyes began to burn, and I pulled back, turning away from him.

  “What ever happened in your past will never be easy to let all that go. I don’t expect you to just let it go. Anyone who would say that is an insensitive ass. I do know one thing. You are strong enough to find peace. You are strong enough to heal. It’ll take time, but you will heal. You can, but first you have to stop hiding behind Izzy. You must stop trying to save her. You’re running from your own problems.” I gaped at him as he smirked. I furrowed my brow. Had I been running? All I wanted was for Izzy to be safe and happy. That was a fact, but maybe...maybe under all of that I was avoiding my own pain. Dex’s voice returned.

  Why won’t you let me?

  It hurts too much. My throat felt like sand. God, I missed him so much. His calming voice. His wide smile that always brightened his hazel eyes.

  “That man loves you,” Keith said.

  I snapped my eyes up. “I—”

  “You love him, too.”

  My chest ached. “I do.”

  “Go to him. Before he walks away forever. He’s waiting for you. I could see the yearning in his eyes in court.”

  “He was there?”

  Keith nodded. “Go.”

  I w
iped away the remaining tears in my eyes. “Thank you.”

  Keith smiled. “Anytime.”

  “What’s going to happen with Izzy?”

  “I’ll recommend rehabilitation. The felony sentence is at least two years. I may be able to persuade the judge to do the two years in rehab given that this is her first offense. No guarantees, but I will do my best. It will be at her expense. I found a few facilities she can choose from.” Keith stood and walked to his desk, picking up a stapled packet.

  I moved closer. “I’ll take it to her.”

  Keith narrowed his eyes.

  “I’ll go to Dex after I help her choose. I promise. She needs someone there until she’s sentenced.”

  I nodded. “I got it.” I’d used quite a bit of my savings on bail, but hopefully there was enough for the two years. There should be between both of our savings.

  “Remember what I said,” he said.

  I nodded and walked towards the door, glancing back. “You should be a therapist.” I smirked.

  Keith rolled his eyes. “I barely have my shit together. The emotional labor that would take is not even a little attractive.”

  I laughed, this time a real one. “I don’t blame you. I'll call you later.”

  After saying goodbye, I walked out of his office with two destinations in mind. Izzy and then Dex.

  He loves you. You love him too.

  I smiled to myself. I do. I always have

  ▽

  When I walked through the door into the living room I found Izzy lounging on the couch. An instant later I saw red. Sitting on the coffee table was a bottle of vodka and a half full glass. I stormed over and Izzy looked up. “What?”

  “Really? We just walked out of court today and this is how you decided to be grateful?”

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I’m going to be able to drink for a while.”

  I gawked at her. “For a while?” Rage boiled just below the surface. I took calming breaths, clenching my hands at my side. When I got my emotions under control, I crossed my arms. “You killed someone Izzy. Don’t you care?”

  She jumped up and scoffed, “Of course I fucking care. Who do you think I am? I just need a little...I lost my job because of this. I will never be a teacher again.”

  Dex’s words filled my mind.

  We must validate her and make sure not to accuse.

  “I know, honey. I can’t imagine how much that hurt. You’ve always wanted to be a teacher.” I bit my lip. “You did this to yourself and there are consequences. That man will never be able to do the things he loves again.”

  She furrowed her brow as her eyes glistened with tears. “Thanks for the guilt trip.” She grabbed the bottle and glass and stormed into the kitchen. I pinched the bridge of my nose and then followed.

  Izzy was leaning against the island, sipping on the glass. She looked up. “What? Do you have anything else you want to say to hurt me?”

  “Izzy—”

  “No! I’m very much aware of what I’ve done. I don’t need the reminder. I don’t need your judgment.”

  “I’m not judging. I want you to get better. You’re already planning on drinking after you get out. Next time, you could die.”

  “Maybe that’s what I want,” she muttered and then tensed.

  “What?” My heart sank. “You—” She couldn’t be suicidal. Could she? “Izzy...”

  “Don’t Izzy me. You have no idea what it’s like to—to live in your shadow. You always have all these high expectations. I’m never good enough for you. No matter what I’ve done.”

  I gawked. “You are good enough.”

  “Not to you. You always expect me to be someone I’m not. I’m not your sister.”

  I winced. What had I done?

  She shook her head, chugging the remaining liquid from the glass. “Never mind. Just leave me the fuck alone.”

  I slumped. What was I supposed to say? I’d messed up royally. I walked over and she glared at me. “Keith is going to try and get you time in rehab. It will be expensive, but it’s better than prison. Stay out of trouble until then or there’s nothing anyone will be able to do.” I turned, not waiting for her response and left the house. Somewhere in my mind the sky roared as rain burst from the sky.

  I’m never good enough for you.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Dex

  The sky boomed and flashed above me as I climbed out of my car. My umbrella opened as I stepped in a puddle, water splashing and drenching my scrubs.

  After court I went to Ava’s house. I needed someone to talk to with all the emotions I was feeling. As always, she listened and fed me, making little comments that brought a smile to my face. When I got it all off my shoulders, I felt better. We said our goodbyes and I left. I was emotionally exhausted and a nap sounded good.

  I locked my door and dashed through the parking lot as rain bombarded my umbrella. As I approached my apartment I stopped when Ra came into view. He turned and met my gaze rainwater trailing down his face. His clothes were soaked through, but he stood there helpless as if the storm didn’t break through his mind. I approached him, holding the umbrella over both of us. Lightning flashed against his skin.

  “What are you doing out here?” I searched his face. He didn’t respond. I reached out and grabbed his hand. He closed his around mine. I pulled him with me towards the stairs and inside my apartment. Closing my umbrella, I hung it on the hook on the wall, throwing my keys on the table near the door.

  When I turned to him, he stood in the entryway, dripping onto the carpet. I walked over. “We need to get you out of those clothes.”

  He looked down at himself but didn’t do anything. I furrowed my brow and walked over, giving him time to refuse. He didn’t. I reached out and unbuttoned his shirt. He stared at the floor, never making eye contact and my stomach twisted into knots.

  What was wrong?

  I slid the shirt from his shoulders, throwing it on the chair next to the table. I reached for his pants, again allowing him time to refuse. Still nothing. He was worrying me, and I was uncertain what to do so I continued my task. I pulled his jeans and briefs off over his shoes, tossing them alongside his shirt. I led him to the bed and made him sit, removing his shoes and socks.

  I walked over to the closet next to my bathroom and grabbed a towel, returning to him and drying him off. It was then he finally spoke. It was barely audible, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

  “I’m sorry for pushing you away.” Tears streamed down his face.

  I dropped the towel on the floor and moved closer, taking him in my arms and pulling him close. He pressed his face into my stomach, and I held him. He didn’t make a sound, but I could feel his sobs and the shake of his shoulders. I settled my chin on top of his head, putting as much of myself into the touch.

  It hurt seeing him hurt. I didn’t know what happened. Although I was grateful, he had finally let his pain out, all I wanted to do was take it away. I shifted, moving my body towards the bed and climbing on without letting him go. He didn’t resist, instead tucking his face in my neck. I pulled him on top of me and kissed his forehead.

  When his body stopped shaking and his breathing slowed, I closed my eyes allowing myself to be pulled into unconsciousness along with him, squeezing him closer. I could rest with the man I loved in my arms and I hoped with all I was that he would stay.

  He was my home.

  ▽

  I scrunched my face at the bright light before peering at the window. The remaining moisture on the windowsill caught the glint of the sun, hanging high in the clear sky. Ra shifted in my arms and I looked down, finding his gaze on me. I smiled. “Morning.”

  He looked around and then back at me. “How long were we asleep?”

  I glanced back and turned on my phone screen, eight am appeared on the screen, along with the temperature. “From the looks of it, the whole night.”

  “Damn,” he said, but he didn’t move. He cuddled closer, inhaling
deeply.

  I smiled and reached for his cheek, stroking the soft skin.

  “I’ve missed you.” He breathed into my neck.

  My stomach fluttered. “I missed you too.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It's all right. You’ve been through a lot.”

  He pulled away and sat up, staring down at me with a deep frown. “Don’t do that. Don’t say everything is fine. I always did that with Izzy even when things weren’t. I held onto everything.” He smirked. “I never let anyone in. Like you said. Never hide how you feel from me and I promise to do the same.”

  I gaped at him, searching his eyes for the truth, finding only honesty. “You pushed me away. It hurt,” I finally admitted. “It felt like you were choosing her. Like my mother chose alcohol.” My voice broke.

  He nodded, thinning his lips. “I’m so sorry. I—I was scared for her. Scared for myself.”

  I cocked my head to the side, pulling myself up and leaning on my elbows. “What do you mean?”

  “I love Izzy. I always will, but the drive to protect her wasn’t just about her. It was about me. I was using her to run away. My past is still here.” He pointed at his chest. “On some level, I still blame myself for all of it. I wasn’t important enough to my mother; I wasn’t important enough to Tanya.” He swallowed. “I thought that if I did everything I could for Izzy that I’d be enough.” My heart sank and I reached for him. He shook his head. “Let me get this out.”

  I pulled away and nodded.

  “It turns out that all my good intentions were for nothing. She thinks I’ve judged her. I’ve fed her trauma and mine. I deluded myself into thinking I was happy when I was miserable. I wanted love. Love from her. I wanted to be loved by someone because I sure as hell can’t love myself.” He choked out the last words.

  I searched his face, waiting for more. When nothing came, I reached for him again and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down and rapping my legs around his bare body. “You are enough.” I kissed the side of his head. “That wasn’t your fault.”

  He tensed. I rolled us over, straddling his lap.“It wasn’t your fault,” I repeated.