by Jayne Rylon
You? How? You’re a great kisser and you looked incredible in that dress you apparently wore just for me.
Wren laughed harder. You wish. I wore it for me.
That’s good, Wren. Seriously. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to stop acting like you’re the one who died. Sorry if that’s harsh, but…
It’s fine. It’s true. She couldn’t say he was wrong. So you think I’m a good kisser?
Yes. And I’m willing to bet that you’re even better in bed, without an audience.
How candid did she want to be exactly? She couldn’t go back on her fresh resolution, so she laid it on the line. Actually, I kind of like being watched. Did what I told you yesterday, when Jordan showed up, change how you feel about me?
The wait for his response seemed to stretch for years. Maybe he was choosing his words as carefully as she was. Either that or he was debating whether to continue the discussion at all given what she’d just told him. If by ‘change how you feel about me’ you mean ‘turn me on even more,’ then hell yes. If you’re asking if I think less of you because you have a heart big enough to love two men, who also loved each other, at once then…definitely not.
She winced. That made her seem less selfish than she had been. I didn’t say they loved each other.
It’s obvious they did. I could see it in Jordan’s eyes last night. Don’t try to tell me they were only coworkers. That’s BS.
There was never anything sexual between them, if that’s what you think. Wren wasn’t sure why she felt the need to clarify. Between love and sex, one was far more important than the other, and it wasn’t the physical aspect.
Oh.
Can you clarify? Texting doesn’t leave a lot of room for correctly interpreting an oh. She hadn’t felt this way in so long she’d almost forgotten what it was like. The anticipation and longing. The need to be accepted for who she really was.
It was official, she gave a shit what Kason thought.
A whole lot of shits, to be exact.
I’m surprised, that’s all. From the way he acted when he talked about the guy, and the fact that the three of you slept together, I would have thought…
How had he figured all that out from just a few seconds with them both? Were they that transparent? Or was Kason especially good at reading people?
Hopefully Jordan wouldn’t mind her being so frank. He owed her one anyway. Jordan wanted more, except he never got the chance to tell Johnny. I used to think Johnny was oblivious. These days, I’m starting to think maybe he only acted like it since it was obvious to me and you and probably anyone else who cared to look.
That sucks. As much as I wanted to deck Jordan last night for interrupting us, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Damn, and he was empathetic too? Even when it came to someone he had no reason to care for? Wren sighed. While she herself might give Jordan a hard time, she didn’t want anyone else doing it.
I wonder if that’s why… Wren had never voiced this thought out loud. She thought about deleting what she’d written, yet didn’t. Somehow, she felt safe sharing with Kason so she finished typing and sent it before she could change her mind. I wonder if that’s why Johnny threw himself in front of Jordan that day. He literally took a bullet for him. Saved his life. Maybe even though he couldn’t love Jordan back in the same way, he still felt the need to protect Jordan as if he did. Or maybe because he did.
Now that she’d put it out there in black and white, Wren felt certain that was the case.
If Jordan ever came to the same conclusion, he’d keep flogging himself—even worse than he did now—for Johnny’s death.
As angry as she’d been at him the night before, she debating texting him next.
Nah. Not yet and maybe not ever. He didn’t want her in his life. He’d made that more than clear.
Kason’s reply was slower to come this time. Then he said, Whatever the case was, it’s pretty obvious to me that the three of you had something I’ve never experienced. Is it too fucked up to say that, even though it ended like it did, I’m jealous?
Nope. Because as bad as it still hurts, I wouldn’t erase it if I could.
How about this… Next time I’m in Middletown, why don’t we try to make some new memories for us both? Happy…horny…ones.
Wren laughed out loud. I like that plan. I’m not sure what your schedule is like, but we’re planning a birthday party for Trevon—one of our mechanics—in a few weeks. It would be awesome if you could come. There will be a lot of motorcycle riding, shit talking, homemade food, and plenty of time to get to know each other better.
She intentionally rehashed his phrase, except instead of a winky face, she used the kissy emoji followed by the eggplant emoji. Take that.
I’m in. That time he didn’t hesitate. Unfortunately those two little words were followed by, Hey, sorry. Van says I have to go do sound check now. Can I call you later? It’ll be late, after the show.
Please do. Since it had worked out so well thus far, she decided to go for it and say what she was thinking. I sort of figured you’d be busy partying with beautiful women.
I’ll enjoy talking to you a hell of a lot more than I would having another meaningless hookup.
Wren read his message at least ten times, wondering if he’d meant to imply that whatever they were doing wasn’t meaningless, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to be needy enough to ask. Damn Jordan for shaking her confidence enough that she even wondered.
Then I’ll be waiting. Sing your heart out.
Even though you won’t be in the front row, I’ll still be singing to you. Gotta go. Later.
Wren could barely eat her next Kason Cake with her smile stretching her mouth so wide.
14
Jordan sat in the car, unsure if he was actually going to get out. He looked over to the passenger seat and the pile of lilies, Wren’s favorite flower, tied with a purple ribbon. They smelled incredible, and still weren’t nearly as sweet as her when she wore the same scent.
Although he should have been up at the lake, figuring out a plan for his future, he hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that he should come visit her first. Then again, he always wanted to do that. However, he rarely had an excuse to be in her vicinity.
If this had only been about him, his desire to see her, and his need to make sure she was okay after he’d obviously interrupted her evening with Kason, he would have turned around and left.
But he owed her an apology.
For last night. And for how he had ended things with her.
Now that they had mutual friends, they kept running into each other. He hated that things were awkward because of the choices he’d made. If he’d at least been man enough to tell her their relationship was over instead of letting her figure it out on her own, maybe today she would be able to stand being in the same room as him.
Jordan needed her to know that he’d been the one with his head shoved up his ass.
Both times.
He’d already resolved to do better and make things right with her. Then he’d come around that corner the night before and seen her making out with Kason Cox, the man who’d practically undressed Jordan with his stare while singing a ballad about forbidden desires. It had implanted wicked thoughts in his mind.
The hopes and dreams he’d had for his future with Wren and Johnny had seemed within reach again in a single moment. Except for the fact that he’d already ruined his chances with Wren. It would serve him right if she ended up in a committed, healthy ménage without him that made her happier than he’d ever seen her before.
Jordan had pretty much thought himself out of climbing from the car when someone approached and rapped on the window, scaring the shit out of him. It wasn’t every day someone could sneak up on Jordan, a testament to how distracted his obsession with Wren had him.
“You gonna sit here all day and let those flowers wilt, or are you going to give them to Wren?” Quinn asked with a twisted grin.
“I’m
calculating the odds of her appreciating them versus shoving them up my ass.” Jordan winced because it was true.
“Pretty likely she’ll opt for skewering you with them if what Devra told me about last night is true. Did you really march in there and bust up Wren’s first kiss with Kason?”
Jordan groaned. “I didn’t know it was their first kiss, and I didn’t mean to fuck it up either. I wasn’t thinking at all, honestly.”
“Dude. You’ll be lucky if she stops with the flowers and doesn’t put her boot up there, too. But you should definitely quit sitting here and make things right with her. I care about you both, and I hate to see you unhappy in general or with each other.” Quinn leaned down closer and said quietly, “You have the power to wreck her. I’ve seen it myself. She wouldn’t get so upset if she didn’t still care about you. Go. Talk to her.”
Jordan dropped his head back against the headrest then cursed. “You’re right. I will. Thanks. And when I’m done, I’m coming over to talk about motorcycles with you. I’ve been thinking I’d like to buy one and could use some suggestions.”
“That sounds awesome.” Quinn grinned. “A lot easier problem to fix. Trevon and I would love to hook you up. We owe you one. A really big one.”
“Nah. You took care of Wren like I asked. I say we’re even.” He grabbed the bouquet and got out of his car.
“Wren takes care of herself. I offered her a job because she’s the best damn welder in the state, not to keep a close eye on her for you, though we love having her as part of our family, too,” Quinn told Jordan. “Maybe that’s where you need to start changing your thinking if you’re going to come to peace.”
Jordan blinked a few times, really listening to what Quinn was saying. His friend had something Jordan didn’t—a thriving relationship involving three people. Maybe he should pay attention. “Okay, yeah. You’re probably right. For the record, I know she doesn’t need help from anyone. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to have it anyway.”
Quinn squeezed Jordan’s shoulder. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” Jordan said as he headed for Wren’s house and Quinn went next door to his own.
Jordan cleared his throat and straightened his shirt before knocking on the door of the cute cottage Wren had moved into recently. Whether or not taking her under their wing had been the Hot Rides’ sole intent of bringing her onboard, they looked out for their own. Jordan felt better knowing she was living up here with Quinn, Trevon, Ollie, Gavyn, and the entire Hot Rods gang nearby. They were good people and they’d watch out for her, even if she was more than capable of handling herself.
He waited forever for her to answer. She didn’t.
So he knocked again.
Still no response. “Come on, Wren. I know you’re here. Let me in. There’s something I need to say to you, okay?”
Never one to hide, Wren rose to his challenge. She yanked open the door and glared at him. “What could you possibly have to say after last night?” She spread her legs, planting her feet wide apart as if she was wearing her work boots instead of colorful, striped fuzzy socks. Damn, she was gorgeous.
“I’m so sorry, Wren.”
“For Cox-blocking me or for ghosting me five years ago after taking one last bang for the road?” She crossed her arms, refusing to accept his peace offering when he extended the flowers to her.
He couldn’t help but be amused by her wit and candor despite the fact that she was throwing daggers at him. “Both. I see you’ve only gotten sweeter over time. Unfortunately for you, I like when you bust my balls.”
It reminded him of how strong she was. Ten times more than him.
Jordan took a step forward, pleased when she didn’t retreat. Wren would always hold her ground. There was part of him that was mature enough to admit seeing her with Kason had reignited some of his possessive streak and a hell of a lot of his desire. That had never been the problem between them.
He didn’t mind sharing, but did Kason know now that Wren had been Jordan’s once, and would always be his in some way?
She scanned him up and down, her gaze landing on his. He let her see his suffering, his longing, and his confusion. Wren relented. She turned and waved him inside. So he went.
He decided he better start explaining before she changed her mind.
“I’m apologizing for hurting you. Then. Now. Whenever.” He set the lilies on the small table nearby. Then he reached for her hand and was shocked when she allowed him to clasp it gently in his. “Even though I lost you, I still consider it one of the greatest honors of my life that you loved me once.”
Some of the steel went out of her spine. Her shoulders slumped and she blinked a few times in rapid succession. “Don’t say shit like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I might believe you.” Wren sighed. “We both made mistakes, Jordan. Mine was letting you and Johnny pretend everything was fine between you when it wasn’t. If I’d spoken up—”
“That wasn’t your responsibility,” Jordan insisted. “I should have done it.”
“But when you struggled to, I should have stepped in and helped.” She raised her voice bit by bit. “How could things between us ever have worked out if you were so unwilling to believe I could be an equal partner?”
“What?” Jordan held his hands out. “You were more than equal. You were the center of us.”
“No. That’s bullshit. You saw me as someone to shelter. Someone who wasn’t capable of dealing with conflict. Someone weak and fragile.” When he opened his mouth, she nearly shouted, “Don’t deny it when the proof is irrefutable. Why else would you have left me when you did?”
“Because I wasn’t good for you. Without Johnny…” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “I could never be enough for you on my own.”
“I forgive you for being distraught and illogical. I forgive you for choosing a future without me. I even forgive you for abandoning me to figure out how to cope with my grief on my own. What I can’t forgive is that you didn’t think I was strong enough to love you, and that you made the decision for me. If you gave a shit about me, you never would have done that.”
“I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life. Of all of them, I regret hurting you the most.” Jordan struggled to breathe.
“You’re still not getting it, are you?” Wren pointed to the door. “You know what, you should have left. We never would have made it because you don’t believe in me.”
Maybe Quinn had been right. Jordan needed to give her more credit. How could he say he loved her if he wasn’t willing to acknowledge how resilient and tough she was?
He hesitated before saying anything else, lest he make it worse instead of better. What he eventually settled on was, “I hope Kason treats you right and gives you what you need.”
Wren narrowed her eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean? Just say what you’re thinking. I can see that you want to, so don’t bother with code. I. Can. Handle. It.”
Okay. Right.
“Has he ever said anything to you about being into guys? I googled him, but I didn’t find any stories about him being bisexual or ever having a boyfriend or anything like that.” Jordan wouldn’t have held it against the man if he had. It was sort of the opposite, actually.
“No, but I haven’t known him long. Why are you asking?” Wren tilted her head, trying to figure him out.
“I got a weird vibe from him last night. I probably imagined it.” Jordan couldn’t believe he was about to admit this, and to Wren of all people.
“You probably did, but tell me anyway.” She nibbled her lower lip. Was she that afraid of being wounded again despite what she’d said before? Probably. He hated that he’d made her wary.
“During ‘Secret Love,’ he sang the song directly to me and I felt like—”
“No. You’re wrong. He sang the song to me.” Wren shook her head.
“The beginning?” Jordan couldn’t believe she’d been anywhere near him. He would have noticed
despite the crowd. He always noticed Wren.
“No, the end.” She frowned.
“Yeah. When he crossed the stage? That was after something happened between us. I think. Maybe I’m delusional. It seemed like he understood what it’s like when you can’t have what you really want. It got to me. I mean, I knew exactly how he felt. I could have written those lyrics myself. It was exactly the emotion that consumed me when I loved Johnny but couldn’t ever show it. It was agony. And I think Kason might have suffered the same thing. That’s why I went backstage last night. I wanted to talk to him, to see if I was imagining it or if—possibly—he’s like me. If he gets what I’ve been through, since no one else seems to understand.”
Wren stepped closer then. She put her hands on his shoulders and squeezed. “I do. I was there, remember? And if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I’m still here, Jordan. You’ve always known where to find me. You chose not to. A decision I never agreed with, and don’t to this day.”
“Would you really have wanted me, and only me?” Jordan exposed himself in that moment, more completely than he ever had before. Being physically naked was nothing compared to baring his soul to her. “You were Johnny’s first. I just tagged along for the ride.”
“Fuck that.” Wren shook him, then crushed him in a hug that was so powerful, he couldn’t resist putting his arms around her too. This time to hold himself up instead of supporting her. “You two balanced each other out. I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of showing you how much I cared. I loved you, Jordan. For you, not because you and Johnny were a package deal.”
Jordan knew he shouldn’t do it, but he couldn’t help himself. He ducked his head and nudged Wren’s mouth with his, aligning their faces and letting her make the decision.
She leaned forward and took his lips, kissing him with five years’ worth of pent-up emotions. Jordan consumed them, swallowing every bit of her grief, longing, desire, and regret.
He knew better than to try to take that away from her now, but at least they could share the burden. So he gave her everything he’d been holding back, too. Even if it was too late.