Jimmy De Soto had been my partner when I made detective. Jimmy D, as he was called, accepted me instantly without a care that I was gay. He took me under his wing and showed me how to be a good detective. Jimmy was someone I had deeply respected and admired during the two years that I worked with him. I had noticed slight changes in his personality after he and his wife of fifteen years divorced, but I thought they were temporary and wouldn’t impact his job. Turned out I was dead wrong.
Jimmy and I worked vice, which I’d never tell Josh or he’d never shut the hell up with the jokes, and the last case we worked together ended in the worst possible way. We arrested a guy during a drug bust who we thought we could flip. Ace was a young, brash, and proud gang member who refused to cooperate. The decision was made to hold him for the forty-eight hours permitted by law in hopes that he’d give us some names for a lighter sentence. Ace was busted with a large cache of drugs on him plus a wad of cash, so he was facing some hard time for dealing. Jimmy was convinced that he could get names if he sweated him out long enough.
Midway through that fateful day, my dad called to let me know that my grandfather suffered a massive heart attack and it didn’t look good for him. Jimmy encouraged me to leave to be with my family and promised that he and another detective from vice would take over the interrogation. Granddad lingered for a few days before he passed away. My mom, dad, and I took turns staying with him around the clock so he wouldn’t be alone.
When I returned to work after the funeral, Jimmy wasn’t the same guy who had patted me on the back and told me he’d be praying for my family. I learned that he and another detective from vice got angry when they couldn’t get the kid to flip so they took him and dropped Ace, who had just turned eighteen years old, off in the middle of a rival gang’s territory. Ace was killed and a gang war ensued.
The two detectives involved said that they didn’t do anything wrong and they dropped Ace off where he told them to, but there were two things wrong with that story. One, they had no business dropping him off anywhere. We didn’t operate a transportation service out of MPD. Second, I heard Jimmy callously say, “He would’ve died anyway.” I hated that kind of ignorance and I was honest when interviewed by IA afterwards. Jimmy was put on paid administrative leave while the case was investigated.
The days after I gave my statement to IA was wrought with tension and discord. Many of my fellow officers felt I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and that my loyalty should’ve been given to Jimmy over the investigation. It was that line of thinking that I didn’t agree with and I never backed down or apologized for telling the truth. My refusal to conform to their ways made my life a living hell at work, but I had no regrets.
Not long after everything went down, Kyle announced that he was moving back to Ohio. I jumped on the chance for a new start for my career and my relationship with him because I thought that my job stress played a big role in the decline in our relationship. Kyle was willing to give it a try too, but we learned that a relationship between us just wasn’t meant to be. I got my fresh start with my career and found the love I had been searching for. I had put my time with the MPD behind me and focused on my new life. The look on Jimmy’s face said that he hadn’t put my involvement behind him.
As best as I understood it, Jimmy was forced into an early retirement. They couldn’t prove that he deliberately set Ace up to get killed and Jimmy sure as hell didn’t confess, but his behavior, if not criminal, was unethical. A person I had once admired was someone I came to resent. He represented a level of evil and corruption that I’d never understand. I’d heard through the rumor mill that Jimmy blamed me and my testimony for the reason he was forced out of the department, although he never once said anything to me about it.
“Should I be concerned that you’re looking that intently at another man?” Josh asked, bringing me back to the present.
I hadn’t been lying when I told Josh I couldn’t talk about it. Criminal charges were never filed against Jimmy and I figured it was part of his retirement deal. Ace’s family sued the city of Miami and won a settlement. I had to fly back to Miami and give a deposition, but I wasn’t called to give testimony during the trial. My union rep had advised me not to discuss the case with anyone because criminal charges could be filed if new evidence was introduced, say someone’s guilty conscience got the better of them.
I tore my eyes from Jimmy’s sneering face and focused back on Josh. “A ghost from the past,” I told him, “and absolutely nothing for you to worry about.”
“Do you want to leave?” Josh asked worriedly.
I shoved all thoughts of Jimmy aside and reached for Josh’s hand. “No way. I can’t wait until you try their seafood. There’s nothing like it in Ohio.” I knew what he was going to say so I cut him off. “Red Lobster doesn’t count. You’ll see.”
I was so busy enjoying Josh’s seafood porn faces that I didn’t even know when Jimmy left the restaurant. I laughed at the crestfallen expression on Josh’s face when he looked down and saw that his plate was empty.
“I don’t know why,” he said after I commented on his cute little pout. “I couldn’t eat another bite if I tried.”
“How about we work some of it off with a nice stroll on the beach?” I asked.
The breeze coming off the ocean rustled through Josh’s fair strands of hair as he titled his head back and breathed in the air. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before he released the breath slowly. “It’s beautiful here,” he said.
“This part is,” I agreed. “There are parts that are going downhill; the neighborhood I grew up in is one of them. I can’t speak for everywhere, but the middle class is getting smaller and smaller here. I wish I could say it was because they were moving up, but that’s not the truth. I hate seeing empty buildings where thriving businesses used to be and neighborhoods where kids can no longer safely play in their yards.”
“I think that’s happening everywhere,” Josh said. “Politicians are too busy fighting each other instead of fighting hunger and poverty.”
“True,” I said. “How the hell did we get onto such morose subjects on a beautiful night like this?” I asked.
“You started it,” Josh said petulantly, making me laugh.
“You’re right, I did.”
“So, can I assume that the ‘old ghost’ in the restaurant has something to do with the things you can’t talk about because I don’t see that guy being an old boyfriend.”
“You assumed correctly, even though I’m not sure how you did it,” I replied.
“He’s not your type,” Josh said with an arrogant lift of his chin.
“Look who’s stereotyping now,” I admonished, then playfully nudged him with my shoulder. “I thought you weren’t my type once upon a time.”
“You were dumb then,” Josh quipped. “Besides, I don’t care what you say, Mr. Rogers was never going to be your type, regardless of his neighborhood.”
I laughed when I realized that Jimmy did somewhat look like the guy from the kid’s show that ran for decades on PBS. “You got me,” I confessed.
“But will I keep you?” Josh asked playfully.
“I guess time will tell.”
Josh pulled his hand from mine, rolled up the legs of his jeans to mid-calf, and removed his shoes. “I’ve been here for an entire day and haven’t gotten my toes wet yet.”
I waited until he was ankle deep in the water before I hollered, “Look out for the alligators.”
“What?” he shrieked. “Jackass,” he yelled when I threw my head back and laughed at him.
I removed my shoes and rolled up my jeans too, then followed him into the water. It was a beautiful time of the night with the sun going down and most of the beach goers looking for something to eat after being in the sun all day. It seemed like I didn’t have to force “the moment” because it was upon me.
Josh jumped in my arms, wrapped his legs around my waist, and his arms around my neck. I didn’t even care that my clothe
s were getting soaked from his wet legs and feet. All I cared about was the look of happiness in his eyes and the pride I felt because I put that look in them.
“I love you,” Josh said softly with a nervous smile on his face.
His words shocked me and my brain stopped functioning for a few moments. It was long enough to worry Josh about my reaction and my next words didn’t help. “Damn it, Josh.”
“What did I do?” he asked, pissed that his declaration was met with such a pathetic response. He tried to wiggle out of my arms, but I wouldn’t let him go.
“I was just about to say the same thing,” I told him.
“You were going to announce that you were in love with you?” he asked, but I could tell by the smile on his face he knew exactly what I’d meant.
“I was going to tell you that I am in love with you.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You always want to be in control, don’t you? Always trying to outdo me. I brought you out here for a romantic declaration and BAM,” the last part was shouted loudly, “you have to say it first.”
“So say it now,” he suggested.
“I’m out of the mood now,” I teased.
“Oh, I know how to fix that,” Josh said proudly, wiggling his crotch against mine.
“I knew there was something special about you the minute we met. I fought it, I denied it, and then I owned up to it. I am so in love with you, Josh.”
“Wow,” he whispered thickly. I saw tears form in his eyes as he struggled to grasp the reality of the moment.
“Do not pinch me,” I warned him.
“Oh my God. You’re reading my mind now,” he said then burst into laughter. The unshed tears lost their battle with gravity and ran down his cheeks. “What am I thinking now?”
“Easy…”
“I am not, but I can be tricked,” Josh said saucily.
I ignored his attempts to laugh off his emotion. “You’re thinking that you want me to take you back to our hotel room, lay you down on that big bed, and make love to you until the sun comes up.”
“Something like that,” he admitted with a sappy look on his face.
So, that was exactly what I did.
The next two days with Gabe in Miami were picture perfect; I’m talking worthy of a chick flick. We repeated our love for one another several times a day, we splashed around in the water, ate every kind of delicious food imaginable, walked hand-in-hand on the beach each night, and then returned to our room to make crazy, passionate love. We were a movie night away from the biggest cliché there ever was about dating. In fact, I found a mug online with the famous cliché on it and ordered it so Gabe could add it to his mug collection. I was happy to see that it would arrive at my house while we were on vacation so I could surprise him when we returned.
In the meantime, I had a Valentine’s Day gift squirreled away in my suitcase for him. Neither of us talked about making V-Day plans and I figured Gabe might be like a lot of men who gave the day absolutely no consideration as being important. I used to be one of them because I never had anyone to celebrate the day with. I decided to keep it low key and tried not to make a big fuss. I bought Gabe a small box of his chocolate covered caramel and pecan candies and a mug that read: BAD COP. I also brought some massage lotion because I remembered just how much he loved my hands all over him.
Gabe had the same idea for Valentine’s Day. He gave me a box of dark chocolate covered cherries and the cutest fucking t-shirt that read: I GIVE BLOWJOBS. A blow dryer, a pair of shears, and a comb were beneath the words. Gabe had also brought some massage lotions with him, but the ones he bought were flavored. I had a lot of fun licking that cinnamon-flavored oil off his dick, while Gabe preferred the strawberries and cream on my body. He worked me up for so long that I gave him plenty of cream to go with his strawberries.
Later, I laid my head on his chest and said, “Thank you for making my first Valentine’s Day amazing.” You see, prior to meeting and falling in love with Gabe, I never would’ve told anyone just how lonely that day was for me every single year. I worried that I sounded too pathetic and I was always afraid someone would reaffirm that love wasn’t in the cards for me. Gabe gave me the courage to be myself and to say what was on my mind without fear of rejection. That was his greatest gift to me and one I planned to cherish for the rest of my life.
Gabe was silent for a long time so I raised my head to look at him. His brow was furrowed and he looked angry. Gabe turned his face to look at me and his expression softened immediately. “Fucking idiots was what they were. It’s hard for me to be mad at them when their stupidity made you available when I came into your life.” I realized that his anger the moments before wasn’t directed at me but at the people in my past who had hurt me.
I enjoyed the time we spent with his folks too. They were a lot of fun to be around and I saw why Gabe turned out to be the amazing man that he had. The funniest moment of the trip had to be when Al recommended we play some poker one night after dinner. Gabe’s eyes about bugged out of his head in fear that I’d lose every dime I had. Ha! He silently shook his head no, but I readily accepted the offer.
I was the one who had the last laugh when I ended up with all the chips that night. I smiled at each of their shocked faces, especially Gabe’s because it was obvious he was seeing me in a new light.
“Looks to me you’re dating a card shark,” Al said to his son. I saw the gleam of approval in his dark eyes as he smiled broadly at me. “Well done, son.”
“Dad,” Gabe said in a warning tone. “You’re not taking him to poker night at the American Legion.”
“Why not?” Al and I both asked.
“It’s just not a good idea,” Gabe said. It turned out that poker night was the same night I planned to introduce Gabe to my parents. I promised Al that he and I would whip some ass the next time I came for a visit.
Away from our everyday lives, Gabe and I had time to get to know one another more, delve deeper into our pasts, and share things that we’d never told anyone else. I asked things like, “Did you ever get caught masturbating by your parents?”
“Not so much in the act,” Gabe said, “more like they noticed that my hot showers were getting longer. You?”
“Same, except it wasn’t the length of the shower that tipped my mom off,” I told Gabe.
“What was it?”
“Once I discovered the cool thing my dick did and how good it felt, I wanted to do it all the time. I quickly learned the side effects of too much jerking off and it wasn’t blindness.” Gabe threw his head back and laughed heartily, a sound I had become addicted to. “I started using my mother’s expensive moisturizer to prevent chafing and forgot to put it back one day. I found a bottle of lube in the shower the very next day.”
“Your mom sounds kind of cool and understanding,” Gabe said.
It was my turn to laugh. “She is cool and understanding, but she takes things to the extreme. Remind me to tell you about my ‘coming out’ after you meet her.”
“Why can’t you tell me now?” Gabe asked.
“It will mean more to you after you meet her. Just trust me, babe.”
He did and on that fateful Wednesday evening, Gabe got to see exactly what I was referring to when I said my mom took things to the extreme. Now, lesser men might’ve been embarrassed about their mother’s level of excitement for their happiness, but I had come to terms with Bertie’s personality quirks long ago.
“Oh, wow,” Gabe said in awe as he looked around the living room of my parents’ condo. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” I knew he was understating the obvious because the look on his face was priceless as he took in the “Welcome, Gabe” sign in rainbow colors, the helium filled balloons around the room, and the big poster of the two of us on the wall that said Josh loves Gabe beneath it, like that Happy Days spinoff with Joanie and Chachi. I sure hoped that Gabe and I had a happier, longer run than the ill-fated sitcom.
I didn’t ask why she wanted a picture of us as a couple,
because I knew what she was going to do; I grew up in her house for fuck’s sake. Gabe wasn’t the only one springing parental surprises that week. I was happy my mom toned down her party outfit though. I worried she’d wear enough rainbows in her outfit to look like a circus clown, or worse, Mimi from The Drew Carey Show. I might not have known the name of the football team from Cleveland, but I knew the famous comedian-turned-actor-turned game show host. My mom was wearing a sunny yellow dress with a rainbow belt. She reminded me of a Care Bear that Meredith used to have.
“Come give mama a hug, Joshy,” she said when she saw me.
I narrowed my eyes at Gabe when he mouthed “Joshy” with a ridiculous grin on his face. I gave my mom a long hug and could feel the happiness she felt for me vibrating through her tiny frame. I had finally brought home someone for her to meet, someone that I loved, and another person for her to love too. As whacky as my mother often was, she never embarrassed me. Everything she did was out of pure love for me, her only child. She was my greatest champion, a fierce warrior who was just over five feet tall, and I adored her.
“I’m so happy for you, Josh,” she whispered. “I’ve hoped and prayed for this day for so long.” She pulled back and looked up into my eyes. “Introduce me to your guy.”
“Mom, this is G…”
“Oh, I know who this is.” My mother elbowed past me and hugged Gabe so tight I worried she was suffocating him. “It’s so good to meet you,” she said, not turning loose of her prey.
“The pleasure is all mine,” Gabe told her, patting her back.
“Bertie, turn loose of the young man. You’ll cut off the circulation to his lower limbs,” my father said when he walked into the room.
My parents were the exact opposite on every spectrum. I’m talking personality, wardrobe, hobbies, and even food. How they managed to compromise and meet in the middle like they did was beyond me. My father once said that my mother made him a better man because she made him appreciate things he never noticed before, like art, music, and even bright colors. “She lights up a room and doesn’t even know it,” he once told me. “Well, she lights me up too. She fills me with a warmth and radiance like my own little ray of sunshine. If you want to be happy in life you either need to be someone’s ray of sunshine or the sky that allows them to shine bright.” I don’t think I fully realized what my father meant until I met Gabe.
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