by Lee Wardlow
Elijah clapped me on the back. “You’ll be fine.”
“You have Jenny,” I argued, glaring at him.
“You have Mom, Jenny and Danni all at the touch of your fingers on speed dial,” he informed me. “Just set them up.”
I nodded. “I’m still terrified.”
“So was I when we brought Jeremiah home.”
“He still hasn’t kept him by himself,” Jenny informed me, not letting my brother get away with letting me think he was doing great with my nephew.
“Nope, I haven’t. Still afraid to,” Elijah admitted to me.
“But you’re sending this helpless child home with me where I live with another idiot who knows nothing about babies.”
My mother climbed behind the wheel of Seth’s truck. She had the keys, so I guess she wasn’t giving me a choice. Rachel started up the truck. “Get in, Ben,” she hollered at me.
I rolled my eyes at my brother then climbed into the truck. I grumbled about knowing nothing about children especially babies. I at least had a few years, experience with Justin but he was over two. He could tell me if something hurt. I had kept him a time or two when Layla was desperate.
If Asia was two I might be able to handle this, but she couldn’t talk and tell me what was wrong.
I slammed the door shut which startled Asia in the back seat causing her to whimper. Mom glanced at me with such a look of disdain that I withered. A grown man, all of twenty-eight cowered beneath his mother’s disgruntled stare like a small boy. Rachel might be tiny, but she was terrifying.
“Sorry,” I apologized.
“Ben, you’ll be fine. I’ll watch Asia while you work. Just bring her to me before you head to Kentucky. I’ll get a car seat, so you don’t have to switch them out. Jasmine hasn’t taken Asia to the pediatrician yet. You’ll need to make an appointment,” she informed me.
I stared at my mother. Open-mouthed. Concerned that I wasn’t going to remember everything that she was telling me. She might as well be speaking another language. “Couldn’t you do that?” I asked.
I knew then that she wanted to, but she wouldn’t. I sighed. “How do I get a pediatrician?” I asked.
“Jenny and Elijah’s pediatrician saw Asia at the hospital get her name from your sister-in-law and make an appointment.”
So many things to think of. So many things that I didn’t know about being a father. I felt like I was choking on each breath as it left my lungs.
I stared out the window until Mom asked me if I was okay. Hell no, I wasn’t okay, but I couldn’t have my daughter feeling like Jasmine did about her father. I had been trying to work up the courage to see Jasmine and tell her I wanted to be a part of Asia’s life when this happened.
I loved my child. I had from the moment that I held her in my arms at the hospital. I know it took six weeks and a lot of alcohol to come to that conclusion, but I was terrified of what this moment meant to me. What kind of father would I be?
Now, I was going to be solely responsible for this child. Me, by myself. Shit, this wasn’t good. Seth would be no help either.
Chapter 4
Mom pulled in the driveway and parked by Dad’s car. AJ and Heath were here too, I noticed. “Having a coming home party?” I asked.
“Nope. A cleaning party,” she replied. “You couldn’t bring your daughter to this house the way it looked. I told Seth to call your Dad and brothers and have them come help him.”
I climbed out of the front seat. Mom met me at the back door. I unlatched the seat from the base the way that Mom showed me, and l carried Asia up the sidewalk to the front porch. Then I stopped and took a deep breath. “Welcome home, kid.”
Mom chuckled. “Ben, you’re going to be just fine. You’ll see.”
Inside, was spotless. I was shocked at how quickly the four of them had cleaned up the trailer. The place was immaculate. I sat the carrier on the coffee table and Dad leaned over it.
“How’s Grampy’s little girl?” He asked. I glanced down and sure enough Asia’s big, eyes were open. She was looking at us with an oh shit expression that I completely understood.
Dad unbuckled her and lifted her out of the seat. I watched and marveled at how comfortable he was with her. He looked at me with a strange expression on his face. “What?” He asked.
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?” He had no clue what I was asking.
“Just pick her up. Be so at ease?”
Dad burst out laughing, startling Asia. Her lip turned down like she was going to cry. He bounced her and apologized. “Ben, I had seven kids. I wasn’t gone all the time. I did a lot of the night feedings when I got home at three a.m.”
“You did?”
He rolled his eyes at me. Then Heath of all people approached. “Dad, can I hold her?” Knock me over with a feather, I was shocked that Heath wanted to take Asia from Dad. I didn’t often see Heath hold Justin but something about my daughter drew him in.
My brother Heath was a quiet man. He had his demons. He was ex-military. Never married, like the rest of the Hatfield boys. We were an elusive bunch where women were concerned. I don’t think Heath was afraid of commitment. I think Heath was afraid of himself.
He spent ten years in the military as a Marine and received an honorable discharge when he was wounded overseas. My brother came home different. He had a quiet strength before; he came home without his inner peace and none of us knew how to reach him.
He worked at a desk job doing technology shit I had no clue about. He was smart. He worked in Adams County at a hospital about thirty minutes away, closer than the rest of us. He was a year younger than Matt. A surprise to Mom and Dad, almost Irish twins they called them. They were twelve and a half months apart in age.
Heath lived in a creepy cabin in the middle of the woods all by himself. I think he liked being alone or felt safer. I wasn’t sure which. I worried that I would see my brother on the news one night as a mass murderer at the hospital and that disturbed me. He was that close to being unhinged and he was now holding my daughter. That could make a man twitchy if he didn’t know his brother well. I didn’t think he would ever hurt Asia.
Heath became a different person holding my daughter. The vacant man was gone. A peace that had been missing for seven years returned. He clutched my daughter against his chest and kissed her tiny forehead. “Your Uncle Heath is always here for you, little girl,” he informed her. “I’ll protect you.”
I frowned. “Who in Sherwood do you need to protect her from?” I asked.
My brother’s eyes met mine. “Boys like you.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Sounds good to me.”
He smiled at me. For the first time in forever, Heath genuinely smiled. Dad stepped around us and grabbed Seth and AJ. “Let’s get the stuff out of the truck. Ben, do you want Asia’s crib in Elijah’s old room or in your room?”
I had no clue. “Mom?”
My mother stopped the fussing she was doing arranging bottles in a cabinet in the kitchen. She walked to the island that separated the kitchen from the living room. “I don’t know. By six weeks I guess you don’t have to worry about SIDs so much. I forget. But now they put babies on their backs which reduces the risk of SIDS nowadays. Everything has changed since you boys were little. She can sleep in Elijah’s room if you want, I guess.”
I interrupted her. “What is SIDS?” I asked, shaking my head at her. She needed to speak English.
“Sudden infant death syndrome. Don’t put Asia in bed with you either. You might roll over on her. They have boxes you can put them in. I saw them on Facebook. Such a cute idea. We just stuck you kids in bed with us and hoped for the best. You were all right though.”
I wasn’t sure about Elijah and Seth. I sometimes wondered if Mom or Dad had cut the oxygen off to their brain during their infancy. My brothers were both intelligent men but dumb as dirt when it came to common sense.
And boxes? What the hell was Rachel babbling about boxes that you pu
t a baby in? “Mom,” I snapped at her. Dad rolled his eyes at her. “Put the crib in my room. She’s staying there until she’s eighteen.”
Dad was laughing all the way out the door. I went to the kitchen where Mom was putting away bottles. I thought I should know where she was putting them and how to make them. She showed me on the can of formula how to mix the powder with bottled water she had left on the kitchen counter.
We left Heath in the living room with Asia. He was still standing where I left him holding her snug against his chest, eyes closed rocking her gently back and forth. My brother was humming to my daughter.
As I glanced over my shoulder at Heath, Mom looked where I was looking. “That little girl has done more for your brother than anything else has since he returned from the Marines.”
“He’s seen her before?” I asked.
She nodded. “He went with me a lot to Elijah’s house to see Jeremiah and Asia. Not that he doesn’t love Justin and Jeremiah but something about Asia has touched him. He felt this need to protect her. He rocked her for a long time every time we visited.”
“I’m glad she brings him peace, Mom. Something sure needed to.” Mom glanced up at me and she nodded.
“So, you know how to make bottles. What else do you need to know?”
I licked my lips. “Everything. Diapers? How do you change a diaper? How do I know when to change her diaper? What else does she need? You’re the expert. How do I know what she needs? She can’t talk. How do I keep her safe?”
Mom laid her hand on my arm. “Ben, it’s trial and error with every newborn until you get the hang of being a new parent. The new diapers have a stripe on them, so you’ll know if it needs changing. Yellow to blue. Blue means change it. They are idiot proof. If they weren’t, in my day, we stuck our finger in and checked,” she informed me.
I was just grossed out by that information.
“Feed her every four hours. If she’s fussy in between try feeding her. Maybe she’s hungry. If not, maybe she just needs her Daddy.”
“When do I give her a bath?” I asked. Mom didn’t realize that I needed explicit instructions. She rolled her eyes at me.
“Benjamin, how often do you bathe?”
“Every night when I come home from work,” I explained.
“Then bathe your daughter every night too or every other night if she’s not stinky or hasn’t thrown up on herself. It’s not complicated. Use common sense.”
She started to walk away. “If I had common sense I wouldn’t have a daughter who has a nineteen-year-old mother who ran out on her.”
Rachel chuckled at me as she glanced over her shoulder. “That’s true,” she agreed. “I’m getting her clothes now. Do you want them in your room?”
“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have to get a dresser to put them in.”
“After we get everything moved in, your dad and I will run out and get one for you.”
“Thanks Mom,” I told her. I really did appreciate her help with this. I hope she doesn’t mind middle of the night phone calls because she was getting them first since it was her idea to send a baby home with a novice.
“You’re welcome,” Rachel replied.
She walked away then. I leaned on the counter and watched Seth and AJ move Asia’s crib into the house and down the hall to my room only banging it once against something, but I didn’t care. My daughter was moving in. I had bigger things to worry about than a ding against a wall.
I went to the living room. Heath opened his eyes. Then he held her out to me. “You don’t want to hold her anymore?” I asked. “You know I’m going to get to hold her all the time after you guys leave.”
He continued to hold Asia out to me, so I took her from him and cradled her against my chest, near my heart like he had. She snuggled against me, comforted and comforting. I kissed her head.
“I’m glad to see you came around,” Heath told me.
“Me too.”
“She needs you,” my brother informed me.
“I agree.”
I sat on the worn sofa. Elijah and I didn’t feel the need to purchase new things when we bought the double-wide. I had a lot of money saved and invested like he did from living with my brothers. I could provide for my daughter. Maybe we needed a new sofa now that Asia was here. I glanced at the hardwood floors.
“Can she get hurt on the floors when she starts crawling and walking? Maybe I should put down carpet?”
“How the hell should I know,” Heath responded. He took a seat in the recliner near me.
We didn’t ask him to move heavy stuff. I know he hated that we excluded him because of his injury from combat in the Marines but his leg, still bothered him at times. He was one of the lucky ones. He came home alive. He came home with all his body parts, but he came home troubled.
He had PTSD. I just didn’t know how to help my brother. Suggesting he needed professional help went over like a grenade exploding in your face. That was the only time that my brother lost his shit.
Asia whimpered. I panicked. I tried to give her to Heath. Both hands went in the air, palms up facing me. “She’s yours now brother. Deal with her.”
I didn’t know what to do when panic set in. I just knew she was about to cry and I didn’t want her to. I went to the front door, cradling a wiggling Asia in my arms. I could see that her lip trembled. A full-blown eruption was about to blow. “Mom,” I shouted. “Something’s wrong.”
She looked at Dad who rolled his eyes at me. Then Rachel shouted back at me. “What did I tell you in the kitchen?”
I couldn’t remember. I was panicked. “Mom, if I could remember I wouldn’t be shouting at you right now.”
Asia was starting to freak out. Her face was getting red. Her tiny fists were clenched. Her lip was a solid line, turned down in a frown. “Please don’t do that,” I begged my daughter.
She did it anyway and my girl had a set of lungs. She screamed. I didn’t like that at all. I bounced. Mom was still standing in the driveway looking at me. “Mom?” I snapped at her.
“Check her diaper. Remember? Blue line? If that isn’t it. She’s hungry.”
“Shit,” I grumbled. “Where’s the diapers?” I asked her.
Heath was reclined in my big, comfy recliner. He was laughing at me. I glared at him at him over my shoulder. “Your bedroom, idiot,” he told me.
I went down the hall to my room. He was right. Mom had put the diapers in my room. I laid Asia on the bed. Her face was now brilliant red. I scratched my forehead. Then, I grabbed a diaper. I started to sit down. Then I remembered, Layla always used wipes on Justin. Number one or number two she always had wipes to clean him off.
I grabbed those too then I sat on the bed and cooed at her. She screamed back at me. This was going from bad to worse. I unsnapped the pajamas she was wearing and slid them up to check the blue line. Yep, blue as blue can be.
I cleared my throat. I informed my daughter I had no clue what I was doing. “Can you cut me some slack, baby girl?” I began to sing Rolling Stones songs to her. I didn’t know many of the words to any of the songs, so I sang what I knew to all of them.
Her roars quieted to a soft whimper. Then her fist went into her mouth. So maybe she was hungry too?
I undid the diaper. Oh shit, there was shit in that diaper too. I gaged. “Heath,” I shouted. I closed the diaper and held it against her belly. How can one baby so small and cute produce something so foul.
My brother appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”
“I need a garbage bag?”
He frowned at me. “You need a garbage bag?”
“Yeah, she pooped,” I replied. “I need something to put the dirty diaper in.”
He laughed then turned and disappeared down the hallway. I talked to Asia while he was gone. I explained to my daughter that I was new at this. I would appreciate her full cooperation while I changed her. I was talking to my daughter like one of my employees who needed coaching. I didn’t know how else to approach this.
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br /> “No sticking your hands or feet in the messy stuff,” I informed her. She wasn’t paying a bit of attention to me. She was staring at the colors on my comforter. “You like that huh?” I watched her while I waited for Heath to return and decided she wasn’t looking at anything. Her focus was on the fist in her mouth. I had a lot to learn about my child.
Heath returned with a plastic grocery bag. He handed it to me. “I don’t think you need a thirty-gallon garbage bag for one little diaper, man.”
“I guess I had better start saving these,” I told him.
“Yeah, I got some of those at home. I’ll bring some over. You only have about five. That won’t last till nighttime.”
My eyes shot up to him. He had to be kidding. Somehow, from the look on his face, I didn’t think he was. I laid the bag beside me and pulled the diaper back. I gagged and then Heath gagged too when he saw what was in the diaper.
“Man, I think I’ll sit in the living room.” His eyes were watering, and he wasn’t even in close, proximity to the dirty diaper.
“Thanks, brother,” I shouted to his retreating back.
“If I stay, you’ll have more to clean up than poop,” he promised me.
“Yeah, well then I guess it’s best that you leave.”
I opened the wipes. Then Seth decided to join us. He sprawled his lanky body across my bed. An amazing thing happened. He didn’t gag at all. He talked to Asia while I gagged and wiped. Gagged and wiped. I looked at Seth.
“Hey, do you want to do this?” I asked choking on the bile in my throat.
“Nope, you’re doing fine. I just wanted to see my niece.”
I held Asia’s feet in one hand while I shoved dirty wipes into the bag. Gagged and wiped. I thought she was clean. “Does she look clean to you?” I asked Seth.
He gave me the, are you serious, look?
“Is she clean, Seth?” I repeated myself.
My kid brother checked out Asia’s bottom. “She’s good man. Put her diaper on her before she pees on your bed.”