by Lee Wardlow
I tucked the dirty diaper into the grocery bag and tied it up. Then I slipped the clean diaper beneath her bottom just in time for her to pee all over it. “God dammit. Seth, get me another diaper.”
“At least it was on the diaper and not your bed.” My brother was laughing at my current predicament as he got up and walked around the bed.
“On my hand too,” I grumbled. I wasn’t sure how that happened. I wiped my hand on one of the clean wet wipes.
“Going well, I see.” I glanced up at Mom who stood in the doorway with Dad behind her. “We’re heading out to get a car seat, a dresser and a bath tub for Asia.”
“Don’t leave me with her.” I was ready to get on the floor and kiss Rachel’s feet if she would not leave me alone with Asia just yet. “Let Dad go get what we need.”
“Ben, AJ, Heath and Seth are here. You’ll be fine. Heath is really, good with her. You’ll see.”
I rolled my eyes at my mother. Heath had refused to help me earlier when I needed it and he was no help when it came to poop.
Seth handed me another diaper. I moved the wet one aside and put the clean on quickly before she had a chance to shower it and me with more urine. Then I put the tabs in place. “All good, baby girl.”
She started crying. “She’s clean. Now what?”
My brother shrugged. My mother sighed. My father laughed. I didn’t think it was a damn bit funny. “Try feeding her a bottle. Four ounces like I showed you.”
She turned and shoved at my father. “I’d like to stay a while and watch this three-ring circus.”
“Funny Dad,” I snapped at him.
I picked her up and realized that I hadn’t gotten the outfit pushed up far enough. It was wet too. I slipped it carefully off her shoulders and tossed it on the floor. Seth frowned at me.
“Where should I put it, Seth?” I asked him.
He shrugged and pointed out that my comforter was also wet. “Would you throw it and the outfit in the washer?” I asked.
Seth then pointed out that he didn’t think the two should be washed together. I informed him that he should call Mom and find out because right now, I needed to feed my daughter before she started crying again.
I cleaned Asia’s back with a wipe, found a blanket and a bib then carried my baby to the living room where I asked, “Who wants to hold her while I make a bottle?”
“I will.” AJ held out his arms. “I haven’t gotten to hold her as much as Heath.” My other brother snorted at that statement. “Why is she naked?” AJ asked cradling her in his arms.
“She’s not naked. She’s wearing a diaper,” I corrected my brother.
AJ adjusted her against his chest the way we all did. Timid. Afraid she would break. We were all big men and Asia looked small in our arms.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle out of the cabinet.
“Hurry up Ben. She’s starting to fuss.”
I was hurrying.
“Ben, she’s whimpering. That’s not good.” I was going to punch AJ in the face, if he didn’t shut up.
I filled the bottle with water from the counter that mom had put there just for Asia. Then I grabbed the can of formula.
My daughter was starting to cry. I peeked over the counter at my brother who was standing with her. He was bouncing like he was on a pogo stick. “Will you hurry up?” He snapped at me.
I shook my head at him then measured out the proper amount of powder and dropped it in the bottle. I heard Seth tell AJ to let him try. In Seth’s arms, like magic, Asia stopped crying. So maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Asia liked Seth.
I put the lid with the nipple on and shook the bottle while I headed to the living room. Whatever mojo Seth had, Asia liked it.
“How did you do that?” I asked.
“Don’t know,” he replied. He held her out to me.
“You don’t want to give her a bottle?” I asked.
“Nope, you should do that. You’re the dad.”
I took Asia in my arms and stuck the nipple near her mouth. She was greedy when she took it, so it was a safe assumption that she was hungry.
I sat on the sofa and watched her. Her eyes met mine and I was mesmerized by the child I was just beginning to get to know.
“You got this, Ben,” Heath informed me. “Let’s go, AJ.”
He got out of the chair and my eyes followed him in disbelief. He was leaving me. The bastard. “But I’m having a lot of fun watching Ben panic,” my other brother exclaimed. I glared at my other brother who was enjoying my dilemma with amusement.
Heath shook his head at AJ. “I’m sure there will be more moments for you to amuse yourself with Ben’s plight as a new father. Let’s go.”
AJ slapped my knee startling Asia. I shot him a look of disdain. “Good luck,” he told me.
Heath was much nicer. He kissed Asia’s forehead then he touched my shoulder. “Call if you need someone to hold her while you wash clothes or something. I’m at your service if it involves rocking or holding Asia. No diaper duty.”
“We’ve already established that, Heath,” I grumbled.
Then my two brothers left me alone with Seth and Asia. He was checking on the laundry while I gave my daughter her bottle. I could do this, I reassured myself, repeatedly while she sucked down the bottle.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I slipped it out without disturbing Asia and read a text message from Rachel.
Don’t forget to burp the baby after a few ounces.
I looked at the bottle trying to gauge what Mom meant by a few ounces. I called her because texting and feeding Asia was impossible.
“What now?” She asked.
“What’s a few ounces?”
“Ben, there are four ounces in the bottle what would you think a few ounces mean?” Rachel asked.
“Two?”
“Good guess.”
“What happens if I don’t burp her?” I asked.
“She might throw up on you or have a bad belly ache which will make her cry a lot.”
Wonderful. I had been pissed on by my daughter. Getting thrown up on would just cement the deal.
Chapter 5
I thought I was dreaming. I heard a baby crying. I put the pillow over my head, but the crying didn’t stop. Then Seth started shaking me after several minutes had passed and the baby was still crying too.
“Asia is crying. Get up,” Seth informed me.
I didn’t want to. He kept shaking me so now I had a screaming child and an annoying brother. I bolted upright and grabbed Seth by the front of his shirt. “Touch me again,” I warned him. Seth backed up and put both hands in the air.
“Just trying to help man,” he said.
It had been a week since I had brought Asia home. Jenny lied to me. This child was no angel. She woke three to four times every night.
Before I lost my mind or my job, it would be nice if the angel that Jenny and Elijah knew returned to me. One day this week, my boss found me asleep at my desk. Lucky for me, he was understanding when I explained about Asia. He was a father of four.
I was mortified when he asked to see her picture. I had none. I hadn’t taken one picture of her yet. I was new at this thing. I went home that night and took fifty pictures of her. Not intentionally. I lost count of what I was doing. The next day, I showed Tim the pictures I had taken.
He laughed at my embarrassment. Then he slapped me on the back and told me I would be fine and so would Asia. I could only hope that he and everyone else were right about this. Asia was depending on me.
I got out of bed and picked Asia up from the crib. “What’s the matter, baby girl?” I whispered to her. As I carried her to the bed she began to calm down. I laid her down, so I could get a diaper. One thing I had learned, most nights, at this time of night, she was wet.
I was getting really, good at changing diapers with my eyes half closed. When she was in a clean diaper, I knew Asia was most likely hungry too.
So, this wasn’t so hard. I was starting t
o learn what she needed. I mean it was hard. She was a baby and couldn’t talk. She woke me up a lot. I was exhausted and running on fumes and babies were a lot of work, but I was getting the hang of it. Yes, I was getting the hang of it. Now, I just needed some sleep.
I picked up Asia and headed to the kitchen to make a bottle when Seth met me in the hall with one.
“Thanks,” I said and took it from him. He detoured into his room and shut the door without responding. He had a been a huge help this week. I owed my little brother big time for helping me out with my daughter.
I went to the living room and curled up in the recliner, didn’t lay it back because I was afraid I would go to sleep and drop Asia. I stuck the bottle in her mouth and just watched her.
I looked for things that reminded me of Jasmine, but I could only see myself in my child. Sure, we both had dark hair and my daughter had a head of thick, dark hair so that could be because of either one of us but everything else was me from the shape of her eyes to the slant of her mouth. The slope of her jawline. Her features were all me. I recognized them from baby pictures of mine.
I gazed at this child. My daughter that I had created. I wanted to protect her and teach her things about growing up to be a good woman. Something I knew nothing about. For me, women meant one thing until a nineteen-year-old turned my life upside down.
I would have to rely on Danni, Mom and Jenny to help me know what Asia needed to learn about becoming a woman. First, I wanted Asia to know not to fall for dumb men like me. As unrealistic as this sounded, I wanted my daughter to be sure of herself and her choices and wait for love. I didn’t want to teach her my views on love which had become even more bitter since Jasmine lied to me. I was torn about this child’s mother and the anger I felt for her, but not about my child.
“You aren’t going to like this baby girl.”
I took the bottle out of Asia’s mouth and tipped her up to my shoulder. She fussed at me but laid her head against my bare skin. Her fingers laid flat against my chest creating a flutter of emotion that was stronger than anything I had ever felt in my life including the love I had felt for Disa. A child’s love is intense.
I patted her gently remembering that Mom said I wasn’t doing it hard enough. I sighed and patted just a little harder until she belched like a true Hatfield.
“That’s my girl,” I told her. Then I laid her back in my arms and gave her the rest of the bottle. “I don’t know how I feel anymore, Asia. Your mommy she tore me apart. She lied to me. Then, I kissed her cousin in the men’s restroom at Ike’s. Mommy’s cousin has had me on a short leash for a long time. She just doesn’t know it.”
I glanced at my daughter sucking away on her bottle. “I can talk to you now because you can’t understand. When you’re older I won’t say anything or do anything that will make you feel badly about your mommy.”
I knew that one day I would somehow need to make Asia understand that Jasmine had no choice. I would explain to her about her mother’s difficult life. Between my mother, Danni and Jenny she would be surrounded by female love so maybe she wouldn’t feel so lost without her own mother.
I lifted her and kissed her forehead. The bottle slipped out of her mouth and she fussed at me once again. “Sorry, Daddy will leave you alone, so you can enjoy your bottle.”
I rocked the recliner while I gave Asia her bottle. Soon I was sound asleep holding my baby in my arms.
**
“Hey, Ben. Ben, you overslept. You fell asleep in the recliner.”
I jolted awake and jumped up nearly dropping Asia. “Don’t do that to me,” I snapped at Seth. “What time is it?”
“Nine o’clock.”
“Shit,” I shouted. “I should be there now. Take Asia.”
“Sure, what do you want me to do with her?” Seth asked. He rocked my daughter back and forth, making silly faces at her while I ran down the hall to my bedroom shouting at him to get her clothes changed.
“But Ben, I’ve never changed a diaper before.”
“Neither had I until a week ago,” I informed him then slammed the bedroom shut so I couldn’t hear his protests any longer. “You’ll learn,” I said to the closed door. “Like I did.”
Tim had called worried that I had wrecked on the way to work since I had been so exhausted. I called him right away and explained that I had fallen asleep in the recliner when I got up with Asia at three.
“Ben, take a sick day. You’re dead on your feet. It’s Friday. We have everything under control. Most new fathers around here got some time off. You need this to bond with Asia and get some rest.”
I sat on the edge of the bed defeated, feeling like I was failing my child and my work. I started to protest. “Ben, I said take today off. Take Monday too if you need it. Like I said, most new fathers take some time off. You deserve it. You work hard for us and we appreciate it.”
“I feel like a failure, Tim,” I admitted.
“Don’t. We love you. Your performance has been above excellence since we hired you. We aren’t going to can you for taking a few days. We prefer that you not kill yourself on the highway. Spend some time with your new daughter. Get her into a routine. Your sister-in-law said she slept like a dream before you brought her home. Work on getting her to sleep through the night again or at least sleeping better.”
“Have any tips for that?” I asked him, rubbing my face. I heard Asia crying in the other room even through the closed door. I really, just wanted to cry with her.
“Talk to your sister-in-law. Find out what you are missing, Ben. You’ll be fine.”
“Thanks, Tim. Gotta go. Seth has Asia and she’s crying.”
He chuckled. “Rescue her, would you?” He knew my brother, Seth. A good guy, but a dumbass.
“Yeah, no kidding.”
I hung up and laid the phone back on the nightstand. Then I headed back to the living room. Seth had Asia undressed. Her wet diaper was on the floor. He was trying to make the clean one stick, but the tabs kept coming undone and it looked like he had used clear tape too to try to make the diaper stay on.
I watched him for a moment before I asked, “What are you doing?”
He didn’t look up at me. “I put it on backwards first. I realized the blue line was not supposed to go up her butt.”
“No, it is not,” I agreed.
“Then,” he gave up and took the diaper off. “I tore one of the tabs, so I tried taping it back on when you didn’t have any more diapers out here. Could you get me another one?” He asked.
“Sure,” I turned and headed down the hallway. Only to hear him shout, “Not on the sofa, Asia.” I ignored him and headed straight for my bedroom where the extra diapers were.
I leaned over and took a diaper out of the box of diapers that Mom brought with her from the store when she picked up a tub, dresser and a car seat. Babies, I realized went through a massive amount of diapers. I thought maybe Asia and I would go to the store today and get diapers. Boxes of them. Then we were heading to Auntie Jenny’s for a talk.
I went back to the living room where I found my naked daughter in my brother’s arms. Her head tucked under his chin. A disgusted look on his face.
“Well I need to change clothes and the sofa has a wet spot,” he said.
I just nodded. At this point, I was too tired to care.
I took Asia from him and went to the other end of the sofa. I cleaned her with a wipe. We kept them all over the house now. Both bathrooms were stocked with them. The kitchen and the living room and my bedroom had a package of them too. Then I put the clean the diaper on her.
I looked up to find Seth watching me. “What?”
“You’re doing good,” he said.
“How would you know?” I chuckled at his clueless observation.
“She’s survived a week with us. She’s seems pretty content too.”
Other than getting up in the night she did seem happy. I tucked her against me. I could hold her in one arm she was so small. That was the other
thing I thought that seemed like Jasmine. Her size.
We had a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I needed to remind Tim of that. I would text him later about that one or maybe I would just take off Monday too, then I could take Asia to the doctor and spend more time with her trying to get her on track, so I could get more sleep.
I touched her tiny feet and realized that Asia was cold. “Seth, hand me Asia’s blanket behind you.”
“Why did she name her Asia?” He handed me the blanket and I wrapped her in it to keep her warm.
“I don’t know. I like it though.”
“She has your last name. Did you know that?”
I chuckled at my brother. “I did know that. Mom informed me of that right after she was born.” She had also informed me that she was encouraging Jasmine to take me to court for child support.
I had to admit that stung. I had paid all her medical bills. I wasn’t shirking my responsibility. I just hadn’t gotten over the lie that Jasmine had told me and the suspicion that maybe she wasn’t on birth control. I still wondered if she had gotten pregnant on purpose.
She seemed fragile. Alone. Lonely. She was innocent and eager. All these things about her attracted me. Things I wanted to recapture that I lost with Disa.
She wasn’t like the other women I took home. I could feel her inexperience and shyness and I liked that about her. I liked Jasmine just not enough. I sighed. I wanted her but that niggling little worm in my head kept saying I liked her a lot because she reminded me of the woman I really wanted and couldn’t have.
“Do you mind so much now that she’s here, Ben?” Seth asked distracting me from my thoughts.
I glanced at the baby in my arms then at my brother. “No Seth, I don’t mind at all.”
“I’m glad. She’s really cute.”
I laughed at him. “Thanks. Seth, have you been with a woman yet?” I asked remembering what Mom had said about my brother the day of Granddad’s funeral.
My brother was a lot like Jasmine. Sweet, kind and downright innocent. That’s how Jameson had taken advantage of him which caused Danni to get hurt.