Losing Everything to Gain You

by Vina Fenty

  An hour later, I was at work. To the outside eyes, I was the perfect married lady who loved her job. I looked happy with a smile for the other members of staff. I looked sane and reasonable, but I couldn't have fooled Tejiri if I tried.

  Once I got upstairs to drop her food, her eyes took me in instantly.

  "What is the matter, Amy?" she asked in alarm, and soon, she was in front of me.

  "Nothing, I'm fine," I said, putting my hand under my chin. It was a wrong move, and I cursed at my stupidity. I quickly withdrew the hand, but before it could get to my lap, Tejiri had captured both my hands and turned them around in her palms.

  Again and again, she tried to comprehend and assimilate what my sore hands meant. When it finally clicked, she traipsed around her office in a rage, cursing and kicking everything in sight.

  I just sat there confused, I didn't know if to go to her or to wait for the rage to subside. I decided to wait it out.

  She soon came back to me and held my face between her hands.

  "Don't lie to me," she said softly.

  Like I could, I thought.

  "When did you start cutting yourself?"

  I licked my lips and thought about it.

  "About twelve years ago, but it got worse since I got married."

  "Shit!" she said, leaving my face, and I missed the contact immediately.

  How weird was it that I was craving for this person, and I had a husband at home whom I rather eat nails than let touch me.

  "Tejiri, I am sorry, but things haven't been easy, I could have been addicted to drugs or just killed myself, but I didn't want anything that would stop me from seeing you."

  "Does your husband know?"

  "No, and you need to stop talking about him all the time, I do not appre..."

  "Oh, I should pretend that you aren't married. That every night you are not in bed with someone else, touching them, having sex? It's the only thing I think about, the only fucking thing on my mind, and I hate you for that!"

  Did she just say that she hated me? Wow! The tears started again, but by God, I reined it all in and refrained from shedding them.

  "I'm sorry," I said with quivering lips.

  "Sorry wouldn't heal me; neither would it bring you back to me, and we are not deviating. You cannot be cutting yourself. I do not want to hear it or see it again. It has to stop."

  I nodded, knowing full well that it would stop. If Tejiri asked me to wither and die, I probably would wither and die.

  "I wonder if there are any good shrinks in Nigeria, or maybe I could arrange a video call with mine," she said as she walked to a first aid box at the corner of the office.

  "No! Tejiri, please, no more counselors or shrinks, I promise, I'll stop."

  She gathered a handful of treatment and came back to me.

  "Promise? You could hardly keep the last one."

  "I'll keep this one," I said, stretching my arms to her as she placed them in her lap.

  She cleaned the cuts and dressed them, and it was the most sexual thing that had ever happened to me since I was seventeen.

  "Tejiri, could you just maybe hold me a little?"

  She raised her eyebrows sarcastically, and I knew that she was going to refer to my marital status. I didn't think I could bear to hear her refer to it, so I quickly added, "please, just this once."

  I deserved it, I deserved her love, her care. I had waited with everything that I had. I deserved her kisses, she owed it to me for staying alive for her.

  She stood and moved to the long leather couch at the other side of the room, and I followed her. She sat, and I sat beside her, resting my head on her chest as her arms enveloped me warmly.

  I sighed deeply, inhaling her scent. I could stay there forever, just like that. I could go to war for this, I would cross seven seas to be where I was then. She stroked my back as she sighed too. The world suddenly felt right, everything I had been through suddenly seemed small and inconsequential. Nothing else mattered but for this woman holding me.

  We were there, just like that for a while before I realized that if I raised my head a little, I would be square with her breasts. I rubbed my head treacherously on her breasts, and her eyes met mine, and my breath seized.

  The magnetic pull was too strong to resist, and in an instant, our lips were touching. It felt so right, like numbers 5 and 6. Her lips were as soft as I remembered, and she tasted heavenly. The feel of her took me back to the past, to how she used to make me feel.

  ******

  FGC Asaba, 2005

  "I am looking for that stupid Tejiri Akpore in Jss three. All juniors are to look for her before the day runs out, or you all will be in trouble," a senior shouted as she hit the door to get all our attention.

  I froze on hearing Tejiri's name. It was my second session in school, and I was getting the hang of it all.

  Holidays always seemed to be a problem for me. Holidays meant I wasn't going to see Tejiri for a few weeks. I dreaded this third term holiday even more because it usually was longer. I didn't know if I could cope without being with her. Tejiri and I had come to know each other better, and our friendship still didn't change to normal. We always looked at each other weirdly, had awkward silences from time to time when we are together, and the shyness never left.

  As we went to the dining hall that day, I looked for Tejiri but didn't find her. I knew that it was because we were having beans and Garri for lunch. She didn't fancy beans and only ate it when it was inevitable.

  After eating, I walked briskly, looking behind me every minute to ensure no one was following. I went behind Wolf's lair and tapped the window in our unique way. She opened and helped me get inside.

  I settled down before saying, "what did you do to senior Beatrice?"

  "Which senior Beatrice, and why are you asking?" she replied, sulking, taking her seat beside me.

  I could tell that she already had an idea of what I was speaking of.

  "She has ordered all juniors to fetch you out, and from the look of things, she is furious."

  "I will handle it, don't bother yourself."

  "Tejiri, I am scared, what did you do?"

  "See those seniors are just annoying, she threw her school uniform at me and asked me to wash them. I am not washing them, she has hands."

  "I have hands too, and you still insist on doing my laundry."

  "You are different, plus you hate to do your laundry. If I didn't do them, all your clothes would be missing by now, and worst still, you would be running around with dirty clothes."

  She was chuckling, and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips. She was right, I did hate to do laundry.

  "Give me the clothes, and I will wash them," I said.

  "Don't you get it? I am not washing them, neither are you," she said in finality before chasing me out of her lair.

  I was scared for her, and I prayed that her stubbornness wouldn't be the death of me.

  That day at the dormitory, all JSS 1 and 2 students were kneeling as the senior questioned us on Tejiri's whereabouts. She had asked each of us to get a cane from the bushes that were our heights, and I was clutching a long thick cane with tears in my eyes.

  I was one of those kids that never got used to caning. My parents never beat me, and I guessed that it had been due to the chaos the only time my dad had tried. He had grabbed a plastic ruler and had asked me to stretch out the back of my palm, but I had jumped up wailing and running. I had screamed out my lungs, pleading with him not to kill me. My father had burst into laughter at my theatrics and never tried it again. My parents adopted other methods of correcting me. My mother opined that I hated caning because I liked my skin too much.

  Years later, in boarding school, I got the same effect from other students at my theatrics, laughter. They would gather around and squeal with laughter as I ran around, pleading with the senior not to kill me. Even those who had previously been crying would suddenly burst into painful laughter once it got to my turn to be flogged. Usu
ally, the seniors would ask me to go last because it took hours to get me to stretch out my hands, and time was a luxury when you had lots of students to cane.

  At this time, many Nigerians still believed in corporal punishment of children, but I doubted its effectiveness.

  Presently, I was kneeling and already wailing, no one had even touched me, but my wail was the loudest. My eyes were red, and tears streamed down my face once I considered the long, thick cane I had gone ahead to fetch. My classmates and other juniors kneeling with me were already laughing and snickering as they watched me. They enjoyed watching me get flogged, and I didn't even care or feel any shame.

  If only Tejiri had washed the uniform, I thought.

  Senior Beatrice was just about to start with the caning when someone shouted, "see Tejiri, senior Beatrice."

  And when I turned to look, what I saw was almost comical.

  Tejiri was sweaty and shinning like someone that had been dipped in oil. If a tortoise was to have lost two legs, it still would have walked faster than Tejiri. She finally got to the senior, and when she started speaking, even Adolf Hitler would have felt pity for her.

  "I.. have... been... so sick... senior...I wanted...to wash it... yesterday... but... look at... my... hand..." Tejiri said, showing off her plastered finger.

  The senior looked broken.

  "Just bring the clothes. I will get someone else to do it," senior Beatrice said as she signaled at us to leave.

  I watched the rest of the drama unfold from my bed, and once when Tejiri's eyes fell on mine, she winked. My God!

  She slowly walked to her bed and raised her pillow to get the clothes. She gave it to the senior and slowly climbed her bed again.

  The next morning, Tejiri was as good as new, and she hadn't washed the senior's clothes. She had probably overdone her victory over the senior because the senior had caught on that she had been played.

  "Tejiri! Come here and show me that your hand," senior Beatrice said.

  Tejiri's countenance had fallen as she realized that she had been caught in a web of her own making.

  My ears stood at alert as I watched what would happen next.

  The senior forcefully pulled the fingers as she checked it out. The finger was as smooth as a baby's bottom. A hot slap landed on Tejiri's back, and my heart did a double-take. I couldn't bring myself to watch the scene.

  I heard lots of commotion, a plastic hanger landing and breaking to pieces, and not once did I hear Tejiri cry out.

  I couldn't bear it as I burst into tears on my bed. Minutes later, Tejiri climbed her bed solemnly and turned to me. Her face turned to mine, but through my tears, there was a wave of fierce anger. How could she have done this to me?

  "I'm sorry, it's not that..." she started to say, but I couldn't bear to listen.

  Why did she have to be so bull-headed? It would have taken nothing at all to wash that uniform and even iron it. I jumped down my bed and walked out of the dormitory in anger. I did not even know where to go. She didn't try to follow me, and I appreciated that decision.

  When I got back to the dormitory after dinner, I saw senior Beatrice beside Tejiri. They were talking animatedly. Tejiri was lying on her bed with her back to my side of the bed. While senior Beatrice was standing, her head close to Tejiri's. When the senior saw me coming, she rounded off her talks and stormed angrily away.

  I climbed to my bed and tapped Tejiri as I opened the rice I had smuggled from the dining hall for her. I hadn't seen her at dinner, and I was only angry at her, not that I wanted her to die of hunger.

  She sat up and said a thank you before digging into the plate of rice. She started to open her mouth to speak, but I raised my hand, silencing her again. I jumped down the bed once more to get her drinking water from the water container under my bed.

  Once she was done, I put the plate and cup on my locker. I signaled for her to turn around. She obeyed wordlessly as I pulled her top up to reveal angry red marks. My heart constricted in pain as my anger turned to Senior Beatrice. Why were these seniors so wicked?

  That night, I cleaned Tejiri's back with a cloth soaked in water and then applied some ointment, but I still refused to talk with her.

  The next day, I was in class during a free period before break time. We were all excited that the boring mathematics teacher wouldn't be coming for his second period. The man had a soft spot for alcohol. While he was outstanding in mathematics, he had a problem with passing on knowledge, so he often stayed glued to the chalkboard talking to himself. We would shout intermittently to him that we couldn't hear him, and he would turn to us and increase his pitch only to decline further into muttering to himself, so we gave up all hope. We instead focused on solving the equations between ourselves or getting tutorials from our seniors. In other words, Tejiri was my mathematics teacher, and she was damned good at it.

  The free period had students sitting on their table instead of their chairs, chasing each other around the class, or mindlessly gossiping about opposite genders. I lacked the enthusiasm to join in on anything, so I figured that I would update my biology note.

  I was a slow writer as I focused more on writing beautifully than on being fast. This was a choice that often affected me, but I always found ways to meet up, and the praises I got from fellow students and staff on my handwriting was too good to let go.

  "Rosemary, please, is your biology note up to date?" I asked the dark-skinned beauty sitting just by my right, and she nodded as she started to fumble in her bag for the note.

  I took it and thanked her as I started to write slowly. I hadn't gone very far when a sudden hush fell on the class. This silence was only achievable if a teacher had, by any means, wandered into our class. I looked up to the door, and my gaze fell on Tejiri. Our eyes met and held before I peeled my eyes away angrily, but the anger wasn't quite intense, this wasn't even anger. I was tired of being angry at her, and I missed her so much, yet, I felt the need to keep pretending.

  I looked around the class and saw half of my classmates looking up to Tejiri in awe. Some of the boys looked love-struck as they smiled sheepishly at her. A few waved shyly, and she waved back with a smile as she strolled to me.

  There she was, wanted by everyone but here I was, on my own and yet she had come for me. I felt like the luckiest girl in the school because I had Tejiri's friendship.

  I looked up at her again and marveled at her beauty. It wasn't even about beauty. If it was just beauty, then it would have been easier. It was the charisma surrounding her. She walked around with this aura, this spring to her steps like someone who had the world at their feet. She had a way of drawing attention even without trying, and there was no room that Tejiri entered that she wouldn't dominate totally.

  I liked it, this aura, it did things to me that I found hard to comprehend.

  Asides the charisma and aura, there was the fact that Tejiri was always in a pristine state. She made the rest of us look lazy, unkempt, and shabby. I mean, we were all junior students trying to survive and be alive. We shouldn't even have time for washing, ironing, or grooming ourselves but not Tejiri. Her white shirt was white and not brown like that of half the school. Her blue skirt was well pleated and ironed. My eyes went down her long beautiful legs to take in her white socks and shiny black boots that were polished. Which junior student polished their shoes? Just Tejiri and maybe I because she had rubbed off on me. Her neatness had ultimately become mine. She insisted on washing and ironing for me as well.

  I continued with writing my notes, feigning indifference at her sudden appearance. Her soft scent, when she got to me, affected me so strongly that it was a battle not to crumble before her and beg.

  "Please erm..." she said awkwardly, referring to Rosemary.

  "Rosemary senior," the girl completed shyly, and Tejiri nodded.

  "Yes. Rose, could you please give me a minute?"

  The girl nodded and jumped out of her seat, and Tejiri took her place.

  "Amy, I'm sorry. This silent tr
eatment is driving me mad, and I cannot concentrate in class. Do you want me to fail? The sound of the hanger breaking on my body sounds worse than it was. Plus, those welts are not as painful as it looks. Look at me, please," she said, as she put her finger to my jaw and drew my face up to her own. Our eyes met again.

  She smiled sweetly, and my little heart did its usual dance, that weird dance it always did for Tejiri.

  "I could have washed it, I told you to give it to me. We could have prevented it."

  "Trust me, I want to explain everything to you, but I don't know where to start. Washing it couldn't have solved anything. Angels washing that uniform wouldn't have helped. It's just much deeper than that, plus you can't wash to save your life. I probably would have got in more trouble had you tried," she said, chuckling, and I ignored her witty banter. At the same time, my mind traveled back to senior Beatrice by Tejiri's bed last night. What had they been saying?

  "It hurt me," I said simply, and she nodded her understanding.

  "Please forgive me, please. I wouldn't ever let it happen again," she pleaded, and I smiled finally at her.

  She sighed happily and sat back on her chair.

  Then, the bell for a long break went, and Tejiri checked her watch to confirm that it was break time.

  "How about I take you for the break, and maybe we could put all these behind us."

  I smiled excitedly as Tejiri went to the door to wait for me. I begged Rosemary to watch over my bag as I joined Tejiri by the door.

  We walked silently side by side along with the other sea of students thronging towards the school tuck shop. Once we arrived there, the long queue dampened my spirits as I imagined just when it would get to our turn.

  Tejiri guided me to the shed just outside the shop, and I sat down. I didn't like this arrangement, though. I wanted to stand with her and talk till it was our turn, but I knew better than to argue with her even then.

  "What would you like? Anything at all," she asked, smirking down at me.