The Things We Hide at Home

by Nem Rowan

  “Are you awake?” he whispered as though he expected me not to reply.

  “Yes, barely,” I murmured, my eyelids parting a fraction so I could see again. He shuffled ‘round to face me, resting his cheek on the pillow we had shared all night. His hair was a mess and his eyes were squinting at me in the daylight.

  “Good morning,” He beamed, his eyes closing again as I stroked his face.

  “Good morning, David.”

  “Did you sleep well?” he asked, looking at me once more as my hand rested upon his collared neck.

  I nodded slightly. “Did you?”

  “The best I’ve slept in a long time,” he told me, somewhat sheepishly. “I wish I could stay here with you all the time.”

  My surprise must have led him to believe I didn’t like the idea.

  “I-I mean, I wouldn’t have to, I know you’d probably…”

  “It’d be nice if you stayed here with me. I get lonely, anyway. But maybe when we’ve been together a while, y’know, maybe you could move in?”

  For a moment, he said nothing and his eyes glanced around the room before finally returning to me. “No one’s ever said something like that to me before.”

  “There’s a first time for everything.” I chuckled, but inside, I felt bad for him. “Did you enjoy last night? That was a first time, too, right?”

  “Yes,” he said, but he didn’t specify which question he was answering.

  “Me, too.” I smiled, brushing my nose against his.

  “I have to go home soon, though. I’ve left my dog alone all night. I probably shouldn’t have done that…”

  “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

  “Yeah, she’s a merle Sheltie.” He rested his head in the crook of his elbow. “I guess I never had a reason to tell you about her before.”

  “You could have brought her over. I wouldn’t have minded.”

  “I will next time.”

  “Do you want me to give you a lift home? I need to get up for work soon anyway.” I glanced at the clock one more time, realising that if I didn’t get up soon, I’d be cutting it fine.

  “Okay,” he agreed shyly. “I live quite close to your work anyway.”

  Just as he had spoken, the alarm clock began playing a local radio channel, so I rose, leaning across David and pressing the button to turn it off.

  “Time for me to get up.” I groaned as I stretched and pushed back the duvet. David watched me rise in my underwear and as I rounded the bed, he sat up.

  “Are you going to shower?” he inquired.

  “Yep. Why don’t you come with me?” I offered as I opened the bedroom door and gestured into the hallway. He didn’t waste a moment; hurriedly, he shoved back the covers and scuttled after me, following me to the bathroom.

  If I didn’t have to go to work, our communal shower could have easily turned into something quite steamy, but I was in a hurry. Still, it gave me another opportunity to caress David all over, another opportunity to become familiar with his body and for him to become familiar with mine. I kissed his mouth, kissed his hands. I knew what had happened now; I had fallen in love with him and I was willing to run with it.

  When we were dry and clean, he let me check his sore backside and rub some cream into his skin to soothe it, all the while cooing to him like he was some poor animal that had had a run-in with a car. In the kitchen, we sat at the table, drinking tea over our breakfast and chatting, both of us smiling and laughing. It felt natural. None of the awkwardness or embarrassment I’d experienced with other relationships, only friendship and humour and the exploration of each other’s minds as we talked about our likes and dislikes. We had a lot in common, similar taste in music and film, similar favourite foods. I liked using technology, he liked repairing it. And bit by bit, I noticed he was becoming comfortable around me, no longer pulling down his sleeves or hiding his hands in his lap. It meant a lot to me.

  After getting ready to go, we went to the car and I joined the traffic cruising along the main road, light rain pattering on the windows as the wipers scraped across the windscreen. David had removed his collar, but I allowed him to take it with him so he could wear it in my absence if he wanted, although I got the impression that’s precisely what he intended to do even though he didn’t say it.

  We drove past the supermarket and he guided me along the labyrinthine streets that mapped the neighbouring area. Even as we made light-hearted conversation and smiled and laughed, I could feel the aching sensation of not wanting him to leave as it slowly began to swell inside of me. All the ways I could get out of going to work filtered through my mind; all the ways I could persuade him home again so we could go back to bed, to our private nest where I could make love to him again, filled my head with fantasies and dreams. I had never felt this way about Jake; when it was time for him to go, when his wife came to the door to pick him up and we laughed and joked, I never felt the need to make excuses for him to stay. There had been others, other guys and even a girl, with whom I had experienced the beginnings of this, but it had rapidly died out. Maybe it would die out with David; all I could do was see where it took us.

  “This is my street,” he pointed out as we reached a turning in the narrow suburban road. “I can get out here, if that’s alright?”

  “I can drop you right outside, it’s no trouble,” I offered as I turned the corner and slowed the car to a halt alongside the pavement. Rows of semi-detached, red brick houses faced us from either side and I wondered which one was his.

  “No, it’s fine, you’re gonna be late for work.” He was already taking off his seat-belt. I got the feeling he wanted to escape me again, so I figured I’d just let him go.

  “I’m not gonna be late, but okay,” I agreed, somewhat confusedly.

  He paused, noticing he was rushing, and turned in his seat to lean towards me. I smiled, leaning forward to meet him halfway, and I sighed as he kissed my mouth, a twinge of excitement clenching in my groin.

  “Miss you already,” I murmured as we parted, but I grabbed his coat by its lapel to prevent him from moving away and planted kisses on his neck.

  “Miss you, too,” he whispered as he slipped his arms ‘round me. I hugged him back, both of us squeezing each other in a last bid to feel each other’s body heat. I could feel his pulse in his neck as I pressed my cheek against it. He smelled inviting, masculine, comforting.

  “Take care of yourself, okay?” I spoke as I leaned back so I could gaze into his navy blue eyes.

  He nodded. “I will. Can I see you this weekend, Sir?” he asked tentatively.

  “I’m going out with a friend on Friday night, but you can come over Saturday, if you like.”

  He nodded again, this time with even more enthusiasm.

  “Alright then, it’s a date. Come here.” I pulled him close again and he made a purring grumble as I kissed him once more. I knew if I didn’t stop, neither of us would be getting out of this car any time soon. We did eventually part because I really was going to be late if I didn’t go, and I sank back in my seat as he climbed out into the sparse showers, flecks of water pitching on his spectacles. We said our goodbyes and he closed the door, walking down the road, taking with him a thread from my heart, the long string tied to his own, joining us together.

  I didn’t get a chance to see which house he went to because I turned the car and drove back the way I’d come; if I’d carried on down his street, I would have come out into a one-way system and it would have taken me further away from work. David’s friendly face and adoring eyes commanded my thoughts as I drove, a saddened smile on my mouth as my half-closed eyes navigated the glistening, wet road ahead. Last night, I’d taken lots of photos of him, and I’d posted one of them to my ChainLink profile to proudly show off my new playmate.

  I wondered what Growler and Vanessa would make of it. Maybe now they’d seen that David and I were officially something, they would stop thinking he was a creep and welcome him into our circle of friendship. I knew Willy woul
dn’t have a problem with him; they were quite similar in their mild manners and introversion.

  I planned to tell Gerard that David was my new boyfriend; Gerard knew vaguely I was into some unusual things but he didn’t need to know the details of our relationship. The strangest thing was that I’d never had any need to introduce my previous partners to Gerard. Maybe they weren’t good enough to be part of my family. Maybe I was rushing things.

  Work floated by in a haze as my mind was elsewhere, too busy replaying last night’s pleasures, but my smile was genuine and I felt quite upbeat. It took my mind off the incident with the police the other night, and kept me positive even when I had to clear up a huge puddle of sick in the café where a little girl had had an accident. At break time, I hid away in the locker room and opened the ChainLink app since I had multiple notifications.

  MistressOnyx, BlondePrince +12 others Like your Photo Album titled “David”

  I grinned; so they had indeed seen my picture of David. My phone continued to ping as the notifications racked up, so I lowered the ring-tone volume.

  MistressOnyx: I see you and David are a thing now huh? How did it go? Looking forward to Friday x

  MasterY: Yep. It was fantastic. I think I’m in love with him ;) We can chat about it when we meet up. Looking forward to Friday too xxx

  I was grinning so broadly, my jaw began to ache, so I rubbed it with my fingertips. I was excited to talk to Vanessa about David, but I was also surprised that Growler didn’t have anything to say on the matter. When I checked his profile, I was shocked to find a photo he’d posted last night of him and Gerard, sitting together at a table in the new Thai restaurant Gerard had wanted to visit. Some of Gerard’s friends were sitting with them, but even so…

  I LIKED the photo and left it at that. It seemed Growler had something he needed to talk to me about, too.

  When I checked the rest of my notifications, I was surprised to find that David hadn’t LIKED any of the pictures I had posted last night, but I suppose he hadn’t had a chance to check his messages and see them. The little green symbol was lit up on his profile, though, so he was online at that very moment. Perhaps he was looking at them right now.

  MasterY: Hey <3 Did you enjoy last night? X

  I waited to see if he would reply, but he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t know his phone was connected to the Internet. I leaned against my locker and took a sip of hot coffee, becoming aware of how much my feet were aching. I had been running around on foot for the last four hours without stopping, but thinking about David had prevented me from noticing how tired I was.

  Ping.

  Startled, I lifted my phone to see if he’d responded, but what I got instead was CordialSin is nearby. How could he be nearby? Had he come to work to see me?

  My heart leaped and I grabbed my cup of coffee, heading to the café and opening the staff door so I could peek out and see if I could spot him. The café was busy, people clustered around tables and children playing, a queue lined up to the counter where Frank and Leanne were serving. I knew if I went out, Leanne would rope me into working through my break, so I hid in the hallway and peered through the square window in the door in a bid to get a better view. But despite scanning all the customers, I couldn’t see David. I checked my phone but he hadn’t replied to my message, so I sent him another one.

  MasterY: Are you in the café? I can’t see you. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I’m on my break, you can sit with me. x

  Still no response. The green symbol on his profile disappeared seconds after I had sent the message. Maybe it was a glitch or something and he hadn’t actually been there. Disappointed, I went to sit down again and finished my coffee alone.

  Chapter 8

  The rain had passed by the time I left work, but it was dark and gloomy, thick clouds amassing in blankets of grey, blocking out any stray rays of sunshine. The air was damp and a shiver ran through me as I pulled up to a stoplight in the rush hour traffic, turning down the volume on the radio and snapping my phone into its hands-free mount so I could make a call. The ring-tone repeated as I took off the handbrake and moved forward several metres before the lights turned red again, forcing me to pull up behind the car in front.

  “Hello?” Gerard’s voice answered on the loudspeaker.

  “Hey, it’s Tenny,” I replied before stuffing several pieces of chewing gum into my mouth.

  “Hey, what’s up?” he inquired. I could hear music playing in the background.

  “Not much. Just wanted to check in. So, a little bird told me you went out for dinner with Growler last night.”

  “Oh, yeah, who was that?”

  “I saw a selfie of you two.” I smiled amusedly even though he couldn’t see me.

  “Yeah, we went out with some friends. Nothing exciting,” he stated nonchalantly. I heard someone else’s voice in the background asking who he was talking to.

  “Is Growler there with you right now?” I questioned mischievously. The thought of them dating seemed bizarre since Gerard had never implied he was interested in boys, but I guess looks could be deceiving. I grew up with him always stating that he was “into the ladies,” so the thought of him suddenly being into my best friend, who also happens to be male, certainly came as a surprise. I figured that Growler practically looked like a girl anyway, especially if you saw him from behind, so maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe Gerard was attracted to femininity itself, not gender. If anything, it made me love my big brother even more.

  “He might be.” Gerard had a slight chuckle in his voice.

  “Oh, come on, I can hear him in the background.”

  The phone made a clacking sound, and next thing I knew, Growler spoke to me. “Just so you know, I’m not doing anything with your brother that you wouldn’t, so you can leave us alone now. You don’t have to check up on us!”

  “You’re on hands-free,” Gerard grunted nearby.

  “I wasn’t checking up on you. You just incriminated yourself anyway. If you’d kept quiet, I wouldn’t have known you were there!” I laughed, following the traffic as it funnelled off one main road and onto another.

  “You were checking up on us—”

  “Come off it, you wanted him to know you’re here,” Gerard cut him off and I heard a smacking sound and both started laughing.

  I laughed with them. “Well, you have my blessings if you are up to no good. I’m meeting up with Vanessa tomorrow night—do you guys wanna come?”

  “Well, we’ve actually got something planned for Friday night, so we’ll have to pass on that,” Gerard confessed awkwardly. It was the first time I’d ever heard my brother sound embarrassed.

  “Okay, no worries, I—”

  “And just so you know, it’s totally innocent,” Growler intercepted. “Gerry’s taking me to a fashion expo in Cardiff,” he explained as if he expected I was envisaging something sordid.

  “Gerry?” I made a face. I’d never known anyone to call him that before.

  “Yes, Gerry,” Growler repeated and I detected a blossom of adoration in his voice. I could just imagine he was petting his head like a dog.

  I smirked. “Okay, I gotta go. I’m home now. Let me know how the expo goes.”

  “Sure thing. Maybe we’ll pick you up a nice pair of heels or something,” Gerard jested.

  “Bye, Tenny!” Growler exclaimed, clearly in a hurry to get the call over and done with.

  “Bye, Growler. Bye, Gerry.”

  I heard him groaning as the call ended.

  I glided the car into my parking space, allowing the oncoming traffic to pass before reversing into a better position.

  Since David had mentioned his dog, I was seriously considering getting one of my own. The thought emerged again in my head as I opened the front door to the empty house, the hallway filled with shadows and open doorways like a throat waiting to swallow me whole. This place didn’t seem so sinister when I had company. Then again, it hadn’t felt that way before the stalker had started p
aying me a visit; once again, I recalled how this used to be the place I ran to when I wanted to feel safe, to get away from the world. It saddened me, but maybe it was time I moved into a smaller place that was better suited to a single person. I guess I had come here originally because part of me believed I wouldn’t still be living on my own three years down the line. Maybe I would have to contact Yolonda, Vanessa’s older sister and my landlord, to see if she had any smaller properties I could switch to.

  This thought continued to swirl in my head as I dumped my coat and bag in the living room and turned on the lights, heading into the kitchen with the intention of chucking something frozen into the oven and to make myself a large mug of cocoa. I opened the freezer, picking out a ready meal.

  “You really need to quit the junk food and get back to the gym,” I said to myself as I looked at the card box depicting a lasagne that looked nothing like what was inside the packaging I held before me. I swung the freezer door shut, and that’s when I noticed something laying on the floor near the back door.

  I put aside the frozen lasagne and picked up the sheet of glossy paper. It was another photograph. This time it was a photo of a wrinkled blue duvet, and atop it was a print of the photo of myself I used on my ChainLink profile. Globules of semen dotted the picture, covering my face, some running off the edge of the picture and soaking into the fabric of the duvet.

  On the back of the photo, the message read:

  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I’VE COME JUST THINKING OF YOU.

  The fear I had initially felt melted into fury; how dare he—I was fairly certain this person was male, at least—trespass in my garden and put something like this under my back door?

  I unlocked the door and stepped onto the patio, looking around the garden to see if anything was amiss, and I spotted a flattened pathway across the lawn that looked as though someone had walked there recently. It lead right up to the end of the garden.