Godslayer

by Jacqueline Carey

  Even if it led to defeat, it would be worthwhile.

  “I’m staying.” Setting his heels to his mount’s flanks, he shook off Tanaros’ hand and jogged ahead before the Lord General could say aught else to dissuade him. One of the trotting Gulnagel grinned at him, and Speros grinned back, his sense of alarm fading. These were his comrades, his companions. One had given his life for him. They had given him the honor and respect his own family had denied him. They had labored side by side together, laying the dead to rest. How could he think of leaving?

  He would find a way to prove himself to General Tanaros.

  Ahead of him, Ushahin Dreamspinner rode astride, swaying as his blood-bay mount picked its way along the path of the Defile. Hearing Speros approach, he glanced languidly over his shoulder. “Weavers’ Gulch, Midlander.” He waved a crabbed hand at the sticky strands crossing the vast loom of the Defile, the scuttling weavers that spun the warp and weft of it. “Does it evoke fond memories for you?”

  “Not especially, Lord Dreamspinner.” Speros eyed the hanging veils of webbing and swallowed hard. He touched his bare neck, remembering the sharp sting of a spider’s bite and awakening trussed and bound. “Not especially.”

  Ushahin gave his lopsided smile. “The ones who come to me pass through untouched. Such is the protection I afford them in the purity of their madness. Still, I think you must be a little bit mad to attempt it at all.”

  Speros shivered and fell back, following in the half-breed’s wake, though it was no longer necessary now that they traveled by ordinary day, and not on the path between dreaming and waking that had carried them through the Midlands and across the plains of Curonan. “Perhaps,” he said.

  “Oh, I think it is more than perhaps.” Amid the ghostly veils of webbing, Ushahin smiled once more. “Tanaros Blacksword might disagree, but he’s a little bit mad, too, isn’t he? We will see, in time.”

  They made steady progress through the Defile. The Gulnagel breathed deeply through widened nostrils, inhaling the odor of the ichor-tainted waters, the welcome scent of home. Beyond the Weavers’ Gulch, the Defile Gate and its flanking towers loomed amid the vast, encircling wall. Alerted by the Tordenstem, teams of Fjel were already at work opening the gate. Overhead, the ravens circled in grim triumph. The walls were crowded with Fjel, armed to the teeth, waving axes and maces in the air, shields held high. They were shouting.

  “Tan-a-ros! Tan-a-ros!”

  “Go on, cousin.” Ushahin nodded. “You’re the one they’ve been awaiting.”

  Giving him a deep look, General Tanaros nudged his mount forward. He lifted one hand as he rode between the gates, acknowledging the cries. He looked weary, Speros thought. And why not? He had done a hero’s work, carrying out his Lordship’s bitter orders, keeping them alive in the desert. He had earned a rest.

  “You love him, don’t you?” Ushahin asked in a low voice.

  “No,” Speros said automatically, then thought of the General’s shoulder beneath his arm, urging him to keep going, step by torturous step. The General’s hands, cradling his head, placing the drought-fruit to his lips. The General, stooping under the starlight, scooping sand in a battered helmet, helping dig a grave for poor Freg. “Aye!” he said then, defiant. “I have a care for him. Why shouldn’t I, after all? My own Da never did half as much for me as the Lord General’s done.”

  “Ah, well, then.” The Dreamspinner’s mismatched eyes glittered. “There’s a little piece of madness for you.”

  Speros flung his head back. “What would you know of it, my lord?”

  “Love?” the half-breed mused. He shook his head, fair hair shimmering. “Not much, Speros of Haimhault. What love I had, I have betrayed. The Grey Dam Vashuka will attest to that. But heed my advice, and make a good job of it.” He nodded at Tanaros. “There’s a hunger in him for the son he never had. And there’s a hunger in him for the woman whose love he lost. One, it would seem, is greater than the other. But who knows? If it comes to a choice, you may find yourself an unexpected fulcrum.”

  With that, Ushahin took his leave, passing through the Defile Gate. Speros stared after him while the Gulnagel who had accompanied them passed him by on either side. With a start, he touched his heels to his mount’s flanks. It stepped forward, the color of smoke, obedient to his will.

  The Gate closed behind them.

  He was home.

  IT FELT STRANGE TO BE alone in his quarters. They had been tended, and recently; that much was clear. His dining table gleamed with hand-rubbed beeswax, the floors had been swept clean and the carpets beaten. The lamps were lit and a fire was laid. Hot water steamed in the tub in his bathing-chamber, but not a madling was in sight.

  Tanaros hadn’t been truly alone since he had birthed himself from the Marasoumië and climbed up the wellshaft of the Water of Life. The silence, the absence of another’s heartbeat, was deafening. He found himself wishing Fetch had stayed with him, but the raven had rejoined his own kin.

  Piece by piece, he removed his dirty, dented armor. The straps were stiff with grime. He placed each piece carefully on the stand, then unbuckled his sword belt and propped the sword in the corner. There was no scratch at the door, no madling coming to beg to touch the black blade tempered in his Lordship’s blood. Tanaros frowned and sat on the low stool to pry off his boots.

  It wasn’t easy to get them off and it wasn’t pleasant once he did. For a time, he simply sat on the stool. All the weariness of the long, long journey he had endured settled into his bones. There was no part of him that did not ache; save for his branded heart, which no longer tugged like a yearning compass toward the fortress of Darkhaven. He was home, and he was grateful beyond telling that his Lordship had given them a night’s respite before requiring their report.

  “Truly, my Lord is merciful.” He spoke the words aloud, half-listening for a murmured chorus of agreement.

  No one answered.

  With an effort, Tanaros levered himself upright and padded to the bathing-chamber, where he peeled off clothing so filthy it defied description. From one pocket, he withdrew the rhios Hyrgolf had given him, setting it gently upon a shelf. Everything else he left in a stinking pile on the tiled floor.

  Beneath the clothing, his naked body was gaunt. The Chain of Being only stretched so far; privation had taken its toll. His ribs made ridges along the sides of his torso. Skin that had not seen daylight for weeks on end was shockingly pale, grey as a ghost. Tanaros sank into the tub, watching the water turn cloudy.

  A long, long time ago, when he would return from a hard day’s labor of training Roscus Altorus’ troops, Calista had drawn his bath with her own hands. At least, she had always made a show of pouring the last bucket of steaming water, smiling at him under her lashes. See what I do for you, my love? And then she would draw a stool alongside the tub so she might sit beside him and scrub his back and add a few drops of scented oil to the water. It had smelled like … like vulnus-blossom, only sweet and harmless.

  The memory made his eyes sting. Tanaros ducked his head underwater and came up dripping. He grabbed a scouring cloth and a ball of soap and set to work mercilessly on his grimy skin. The water in which he sat grew murkier. Grey skin turned grub-white, in marked contrast to his strong, sun-scorched hands. He had wrapped those hands around her throat.

  Slayer. The Yarru Elder Ngurra’s voice stirred in his memory, prompted by the odor of vulnus-blossom. Dark eyes in a creased face, filled with wisdom and sorrow, beneath the hanging shadow of a black sword. Old men, old women, hanging back and clinging to one another’s hands. You do not have to choose this.

  Tanaros scoured harder.

  He wished he were Vorax. It would be simpler, thus. He would have come home to a bevy of Staccian maidens and reveled in it. Simple pleasures. The Staccian asked nothing more and never had. Only to enjoy them in abundance, forever. It was a good way to live. Even Ushahin had his madlings … oh, yes, of course.

  That was where they were. Rejoicing in the return
of their own particular master, in the camaraderie of souls twisted out of true. Settling back into the warm water, Tanaros closed his eyes. Since he was alone, he might as well indulge in his memories.

  The bath-oil had smelled like vulnus-blossom …

  He tried to summon it; the rage, the old, old anger. Calista’s gaze meeting his as she lay in her birthing-bed, eyes stretched wide with guilty fear as she held the babe with red-gold hair close to her breast. Roscus, looking surprised, the hand he had extended so often in false brotherhood clutching uncomprehending at the length of steel that had pierced his belly. Remembering the scent of vulnus-blossom, Tanaros tried to summon the bitter satisfaction that moment had engendered.

  It wouldn’t come.

  Too far away, and he was tired, too tired for rage. There was too much to be done, here and now. Calista had been dead for a long, long time; aye, and Roscus, too. Somewhere, somehow, the fearsome womb of the Marasoumië, the blazing sands and merciless sun of the Unknown Desert, had rendered their ghosts into pallid shadows. It was the living who commanded his attention. One, more than others.

  Since the comfort of anger was denied him, he sought to turn his mind to matters at hand, to the report he must make on the morrow to Lord Satoris and the preparations for battle to come; but the odor of vulnus-blossom wove a distracting thread through his thoughts. He shied away from the memory of Ngurra’s uplifted face and the old Yarru’s words. Why was there such pain in the memory, enough to displace the murder of his wife? His thoughts fled to the moon-garden and he saw her face, luminous and terrible with beauty. The Lady of the Ellylon.

  What did you see? he had asked her.

  You. I saw you …

  “No.” Shaking his head, scattering droplets of water, Tanaros arose. He stepped dripping from the tub and toweled himself dry, donning a dressing-robe. Despite the fire laid in his hearth, he shivered. She was here in Darkhaven, separated from him only by a few thick walls, burning like a pale flame. Alone and waiting. Had she heard word of his return? Did she care if he lived or died? Or did she think only of Aracus Altorus? Gritting his teeth, he willed himself not to think of it. “Ah, no.”

  There was a crisp knock at the door to his chambers.

  He padded barefoot to answer it, feeling the luxury of Rukhari carpets beneath his feet. Meara was there when he opened the doors, eyes downcast. Another madling accompanied her, carrying a tray. Savory odors seeped from beneath the covering domes.

  “Meara!” His mood lightened. “’Tis good to see you. Come in.” He opened the doors wider, inhaling deeply. His stomach rumbled in sympathy, hunger awakening in his starved tissues. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself a proper meal. “What have you brought? It smells delicious.”

  “Squab, my lord.” Her tone was short. “And other thing.” She watched the second madling lay the table with care. “Forgive us, Lord General, that we cannot stay. Others will return in time to tend to everything.”

  Tanaros frowned. “Does the Dreamspinner demand your presence, Meara? Or is it that I have offended you in some way?”

  She lifted her gaze to his. “Does my lord even remember?”

  He did, then; her weight, straddling him. The smell of her; of womanflesh, warm and earthy. Her teeth nipping at his lip, her tongue probing. His hand, striking her face, hard enough to draw blood. Tanaros flushed to the roots of his hair.

  He had forgotten.

  “Aye.” Meara nodded. “That.”

  “Please.” He made a deep courtier’s bow, according her the full measure of dignity any woman deserved. “Allow me to apologize again, Meara. Forgive me, for I never meant to strike you.”

  “Oh, and it’s that you think demands apology the most, my lord?” She put one hand on her hip. “Never mind. I forgave you that from the beginning.”

  “What, then?” Tanaros asked gravely. “Tell me, and I will make amends.”

  “No.” Gnawing her lip, she shook her head. “I don’t think so, my lord. Not if you have to ask. Some things cannot be mended. I know, I am one of them.” Meara shivered and gripped her elbows, then gave a harsh laugh. “Ask the Lady, if you want to know. She’s heard word of your return. She is waiting, although she does not say it.”

  “Is she?” He kept his voice polite.

  “Oh, yes.” She eyed him. “She does not fear you as she does the others. I think she has seen some kindness in you that she believes might be redeemed. Be wary, my lord. There is danger in it.”

  Tanaros shrugged. “She is a hostage, Meara. She can do no harm.”

  The bitten lips curved in a mirthless smile. “Go to her, then. One day, you will remember I warned you. I did from the first. It was a mistake to bring her here.” She beckoned to her companion and turned to depart.

  “Meara,” Tanaros called after her.

  “I have to go, my lord.” She walked away without looking back. “Use the bellpull if you have need of aught else.”

  He stared after her a moment, then closed the doors. The aroma of his supper called him to the table. Despite the accumulated hunger of weeks of privation, he delayed for a moment, savoring her words.

  Cerelinde was waiting for him.

  USHAHIN DREAMSPINNER SAT CROSS-LEGGED ON a high chopping block.

  All around him, his madlings pressed and swarmed, jostling for position, reaching out to touch his knee or his foot in reassurance. He sat and waited for all of them to assemble—not just the cooks and servants, but the launderers, the maids, the stable lads. All of the folk who tended to his Lordship’s glorious fortress.

  His people.

  Darkhaven’s kitchens were roasting hot and greasy, redolent of cooking odors. For the madlings, it was a safe haven, one of the few places in the fortress in which they enjoyed the comfort of domestic familiarity. Here, they established their own society, their own hierarchy. Cooks possessed by mad culinary genius worked cheek by jowl with half-witted assistants and found common ground. All took pride in their labor, knowing that Darkhaven could not function without them; and the kitchens represented the pinnacle of that pride.

  Ushahin did not mind being there. The atmosphere soothed his aching joints, reminding him of the moist, fecund air at the heart of the Delta. The belching ovens might have been Calanthrag’s nostrils. The thought gave him pleasure, though he hid it from his madlings.

  Their mood, at once ebullient and penitent, disturbed him. It came as no surprise, in light of what Vorax had told him. Sifting through the endless tangle of their waking thoughts, Ushahin saw a single image repeated: Cerelinde, the Lady of the Ellylon.

  He kept a stern visage until all were assembled. When Meara and the lad who accompanied her returned from their errand, he raised one hand for silence. With whispers and broken murmurs, a sea of madlings obeyed. Their twitching faces were raised to listen, gleaming gazes fixed upon him.

  “My children,” Ushahin addressed them. “I have labored long and hard, through countless dangers, to return to you. And now I find Lord Vorax is wroth. How do you account for yourselves in my absence?”

  A hundred faces crumpled, a hundred mouths opened to shape a keening wail of guilt. It surged through the kitchens, echoing from the grease-blackened rafters and the bright copper pots and kettles, scoured to an obsessive shine. Some went to their knees, hands outstretched in a plea for forgiveness.

  “So.” Ushahin nodded. “You know of what I speak. Did you bring her here?”

  A wail of protest rose in answer. Heads shook in vehement denial, matted hair flying. No, no. They had not brought her here.

  “Where?” he asked.

  The wailing trickled into shuffling silence. Ushahin waited.

  “A place.” One of them offered it in a mutter, eyes downcast. “A place behind the walls, lord, that we made bigger.”

  Another looked up, pleading. “You said those were our places, lord!”

  “The spaces in between.” Ushahin nodded again. “I did. Those are the places we occupy, my children; th
ose of us whom the world has failed to claim. No one knows it better than I. And I entrusted those places to you, with Lord Satoris’ blessing. Why, then, did you bring the Ellyl woman there?”

  The hundredfold answer was there in the forefront of their thoughts, in their hungry, staring eyes. None of them gave voice to it. It didn’t matter; he knew. Lives of happy normalcy, wives and husbands, sons and daughters. An honest livelihood filled with the myriad mundane joys of living. What-might-have-been.

  Oh, yes, Ushahin Dreamspinner knew.

  “’Tis a bittersweet joy,” he said softly, “is it not? What might have been. I, too, have wondered, my children. What might I have been, had my Ellyl kin claimed me?” He lifted his gnarled hands, gazing at them, then at his madlings. “A bridge, perhaps, with limbs straight and true, built to span the divide between Haomane’s Children and Arahila’s. Instead”—he shook his head—“I am the abyss. And when they seek to gaze into the spaces in between and stake a claim there, they will find me gazing back at them. I am the dark mirror that reflects their most fearful desires. I am the dark underbelly of Haomane’s Prophecy.”

  The madlings were silent, rapt.

  “Never forget.” Ushahin’s voice hardened. “It was the Ellylon who rejected me, who wanted no part of a child of mixed blood, gotten in violence and tainted—tainted, they say—by Lord Satoris’ Gift. I am the very future they court in fear and loathing. I am the shadow that precedes the children of the Prophecy they seek to fulfill. And who can say that they will not despise their own offspring? For they, too, will carry the taint of Lord Satoris’ Gift with them.”

  Someone hissed.

  Ushahin smiled. “Oh, yes,” he said. “For they despise his Lordship above all else; always and forever. They may grieve at your pain, and they may offer pleasant visions, but they are Haomane’s Children, and they will not lift one finger”—he raised one crooked finger—“to aid you unless Haomane profits by it.”