Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “Okay,” she finally sighed, popping her fingers one by one.

  A hand covered hers. “Oh, please don’t do that, Kate. Such horrid treatment of your knuckles.”

  Kate bit her lip, agitated. She was beginning to wish she had never left the kitchen.

  Kate’s mind was buzzing as she drove her crew back to Vivian’s downtown loft that night, fingers tapping anxiously on the steering wheel. The lights of the city passed as they sped down Lake Shore, the ocean-like lake on one side and the wall of light-speckled skyscrapers on the other. It was usually Kate’s favorite view, the long twists and turns of the drive always filling her with a big-city pleasure. Tonight, however, she barely noticed.

  “Are you all right?” Vivian finally asked as Kate turned them off of Lake Shore and onto Monroe, plunging them into downtown traffic. She was slumped a little lower in her seat than usual thanks to the wine, one leg tossed carelessly over the other in a casual pose that still rang with such refinement that it would make a lesser woman weep. Still, despite her slightly drunken pose, Vivian’s eyes were still sharp.

  “What? Me? Yeah, of course.” Kate laughed, her shoulders bouncing with exaggerated ease.

  Vivian eyed her in disbelief. “You’ve been behaving strangely since my mother pulled you aside. What did she say to you? What has you upset?”

  “Nothing!” She jumped a little when Vivian’s lithe fingers twirled a strand of hair at the base of her neck. “Really nothing. She just told me about an audition in Louisville.”

  It wasn’t a lie, not fully anyway, and yet the oh-so-confusing and tantalizing pamphlet glowed hot in her pocket as she said it.

  They had only stayed at the Kensington mansion for another hour after Kate’s talk with Jacqueline, and in that time Kate’s confusion had turned into a warm interest.

  Was there really something that could help Vivian hear again? How amazing was that?

  Charlie scoffed from the backseat, pulling Kate from her thoughts. “Of course she did.”

  “What?” Kate caught Charlie’s hazy eyes in the mirror. “What do you mean?”

  Charlie stared back as if the answer were obvious. “Kate! Of course Jacqueline would tell you about something that would –”

  Vivian had been watching as well and at that point reached back and made a sudden, sharp sign.

  Charlie’s jaw snapped closed so fast that Kate could hear the click from the front seat. Charlie huffed as she sank deeper into her seat, her arms crossed.

  Kate hated this about Jacqueline; she never knew where to stand. She felt like that awkward friendless person at a party, forced to step this way and that, trying to figure out where the hell she would best blend in. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady!” she protested to her girlfriend. “Clearly there is something there that I need to know!”

  Charlie glared at Vivian for a moment. Kate could see that they were having another one of those fights with their eyes, the ones in which she had no idea what they were saying to each other. She hated being left out of the club.

  Finally, Charlie shook her head, turning her gaze back out of the window, ever the faithful best friend.

  Kate knew that this was something she needed to pay attention to, really she did, and perhaps if her mind had not still been fixated on the implant, she might have stopped to take note. Instead the interaction between her girlfriend and Charlie quickly drifted away, her mind returning to strange wires and tiny gadgets.

  She was dying to ask Vivian about the implant, to get every bit of information Vivian had on the subject, but Jacqueline had been clear. This was a Christmas gift, and so she wasn’t allowed to mention it. She wished she had thought to ask Jacqueline more questions. Why had Vivian never told her this was a possibility? Did Vivian even know?

  Kate was still buzzing when they arrived back at Vivian’s loft. Charlie, in a sour mood, flung her hand up over her shoulder as a goodbye, and disappeared without following them inside.

  Upstairs, Vivian poured herself another glass of wine as Kate helped Max into his pajamas.

  “I’ve never seen you drink this much,” Kate smirked when Max had kissed them both and been tucked in. “It’s fun.”

  “Mm.” Vivian sat with a thump on the stool in the kitchen, nearly tipping backward. “Call it a survival tactic. I drink a little more than normal at my mother’s home. I’m sure, knowing her, she is convinced I have a drinking problem. That would be very like her. I don’t mind because after I have a few drinks I tend to miss all the little... comments. Or at least I miss them more than normal, that is.”

  Kate scoffed, taking the glass from Vivian’s hand and sipping her wine. “I sure as hell noticed. She’s an interesting woman. I don’t know if I get it.” Jacqueline was so cold, but she was Vivian’s mother. Something in her gut told her that maybe Jacqueline was more than the cold bitch she seemed. She had to be. No one could be that frosty.

  Vivian offered her a glass of her own and, once Kate took it, leaned against her with a sigh. A moment of silence passed before Vivian spoke in a small voice. “It makes me nervous that you think she’s interesting instead of abhorrent.”

  Kate ran her hand though Vivian’s hair, listening to the sound of Vivian’s voice. She had grown used to it quickly, to the way she sounded. She had been surprised by it once, by the way it was just a little deeper, just a little constricted. She had even grown used to the way that when they were alone, Vivian’s voice grew even thicker, deeper, even more nasal as she released her white-knuckle grip on control.

  Would… could her voice change? If this gift happened, would that small part of Vivian be different?

  “Why?” Kate asked. “I mean I do think she’s… abhorrent, I can’t believe the things she says to you and Charlie. I just, I don’t know, I don’t want to think that your mom is a total jerk.”

  Vivian smiled and pulled her in for a kiss. “I like that you want to see the best in her. Just be careful.”

  Kate gave her half a smile back.

  “Come on.” Vivian pulled her up. “Let’s go to bed.”

  Hand in Vivian’s, she let herself be pulled toward the stairs.

  They showered and enjoyed one another for a while, but after Vivian had drifted to sleep Kate slipped from between the covers and tiptoed to the second-floor office. Once she was settled in front of the computer, she typed two words into the search engine: Cochlear Implant.

  She sipped another glass of wine as she read about the structure, how it works, the way it signaled sound to the brain, the surgical procedure. She studied late into the night, tears rolling steadily down her face as she binged videos of people hearing sound for the first time. She watched for hours, each video becoming the same thing: Vivian. If the video was an old, wrinkled crone then she became a late-in-life Vivian; if it was an infant, then it became Vivian as a toddler.

  The longer she watched, the more obsessive her thoughts became. What if this had existed when Vivian was young? What would her life have been? Would she know her as the pianist in the symphony instead of her boss? She wondered what Vivian’s face would look like, what would Kate see on those beautiful features when she heard her name for the first time since she was a kid. Would she remember what it sounded like? If she helped Jacqueline do this, give this to Vivian, then would Kate have the honor of being the one to say it? Would she be there?

  The idea of that, of Kate’s voice being the first that Vivian heard in over twenty-five years pushed her from her chair, making her pace and gasp for a while, overwhelmed. The research online was all very clear: this was a freaking great contraption and it changed lives for the better. Kate was in awe of the videos. The more she watched, the more excited she got, the more she knew she wanted to help.

  At some point in the night, she switched from wine to coffee but continued to study, to gather all the facts that she could. It wasn’t until a pale light was beginning to shine in through the wall of windows that she slipped back into bed with Vivian, jittery and tired.


  She had to sleep, she knew she did. Max would be a handful in just a few hours and she had things she needed to do, but each time she closed her eyes they would pop back open a few moments later, completely out of her control. Her mind was too full for sleep.

  ”It was the loudest silence I had ever heard…”

  Kate was in love with this idea. The implant would take away all of Vivian’s problems, all of Vivian’s not-so-well-hidden pain, all of the moments she felt different or unhappy. There would be no more fighting with her mother, no more having to pretend she understood what was happening in a room full of people because she would, for all intents and purposes, be hearing. That was the point. Vivian would be a hearing woman again.

  Kate rolled on her side, studying the sleeping woman’s face beside her.

  Vivian’s lips were parted ever so slightly, for once sans the deep red lip stain and the smoky finish around her eyes. She was beautiful.

  She cared about her so much. She wanted to help.

  “Vivian,” she said softly, knowing there would be no response, still she called again, louder, and watched as her sleeping girlfriend did not react in the slightest.

  It was so strange. What was it like? A world with no sound. Kate’s world, her life, her career, all revolved around sound. It had for as long as she could remember. She imagined yet again what it might feel like. Pushing her fingers into her ears, she tried to see it, to imagine what it felt like to be deaf. Was it uncomfortable? Did she miss her ability to hear? Would it be uncomfortable for Vivian to hear again?

  What would it be like to not know music? The thought was an upsetting one, and, reaching for her phone, she clicked on her favorite piece, Britten’s Suite No. 1, suddenly thirsty for it. Her nerves settled as the music began to play.

  What would it be like to not have that choice? What would it be like to not know this type of beauty?

  The thought was heartbreaking.

  The music played softly on the pillow between them, and still there was no reaction from Vivian. She hadn’t expected one, she understood that Vivian couldn’t hear, but suddenly this had a new meaning.

  Kate let a thumb softly swipe across Vivian’s cheek and smiled as the sleeping face finally twitched.

  This secret gift of Jacqueline’s could really change her life for the better. What would it be like to help bring this woman she cared for so much out of her lonely, loudest silence and into the world of the hearing?

  It took exactly one week for Kate’s curiosity to win over her desire to keep Jacqueline’s secret, and once the balance was tipped, she finally brought up the implant.

  She and Vivian had spent the afternoon luxuriating in bed. Kate had only just pulled herself from the warmth of the covers and was preparing for the night’s concert when it had come out.

  “What?” Kate smiled over her shoulder at Vivian, as she cuddled under the blankets. “Cold?”

  Vivian gave her deep, throaty chuckle and nodded, but still she stood and pulled her thin robe on over her naked body.

  “Well, then why’d you get up?”

  Vivian gave an exaggerated pout. “Bed wasn’t as warm after you left it.”

  “Come here.” Kate pulled her to her, wrapping her tightly in her arms.

  Vivian purred contentedly. “I wish you didn’t have to go. It’s so rare that we have an evening where Max is with someone else.”

  Max had positively begged Charlie for a sleepover that morning, when his hungry, little eyes had rested on her new gaming console. Kate was fairly sure Charlie had just become the coolest person ever.

  Vivian’s fingers trailed over her collarbone, sinking below her shirt. “It’s nice to be able to make love to you and use my voice without worrying that he will hear me.”

  Kate grinned at her screamer girlfriend. “Yeah, I like that, too.”

  “Plus, it’s cold!” Vivian mumbled, cuddling in tighter.

  “Cuddle weather.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

  “I don’t think you heard me at all!” Kate chuckled.

  Vivian gave her arm a teasing tug, traced her lip with her finger.

  “It’s cuddle weather,” Kate enunciated. “It’s so cold that all you want to do is strip down to nothing and cuddle under the blankets with someone.”

  “That seems counterproductive.”

  “It depends on how you want to stay warm.”

  “Oh, I see.” Vivian smiled, allowing her robe to fall open. “I think we may have to test this theory of yours.”

  Kate groaned into her neck, running her hands over Vivian’s smooth hips. It was amazing. They had pushed themselves to the very limit of time before Kate had been willing to get out of bed and ready for work – as a matter of fact, she could still feel where Vivian had last touched her – and yet all she had to do was open her robe for her and Kate was ready for more. She ran her palms over Vivian’s backside. “You could come with me.” She mentally kicked herself, knowing she shouldn’t have said it. She had done so well all week. She buried her face in Vivian’s throat, hiding and hoping that perhaps she hadn’t been clear.

  “What?” Vivian asked. Kate could hear the frown in her voice.

  “Sorry.” She pulled just far enough away to speak to her. “I guess that’s dumb. No point, right?”

  Vivian’s eyebrows drew together, her worried eyes flicking over Kate’s face. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, I just–”

  “What?” Those beautiful brown eyes pushed her over the edge. She had to know.

  “Do you ever wish that you could? Hear, I mean.”

  Vivian laughed, pulling away to sit on the edge of the bed.

  Kate watched her compose herself, trying to decide from the way Vivian crossed her legs or fluttered her eyes if she had pushed too far.

  “What are we talking about here, Kate? Do I wish that I could hear, or do I wish that I could hear you play?” Vivian’s fingers began to twitch as she played with the hem on her robe, her free hand settling uncomfortably on her stomach, not rubbing yet, but in the precursor to her nervous tic.

  She knew she had put Vivian on edge, but she pushed forward anyway. “Come with me, I mean, and um, you know, hear a concert?”

  “As in hear it, hear it?”

  “Um.” Kate nervously twitched.

  “Or do I wish I could hear you play?”

  Kate felt her face heat with a soft blush. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that. That was stupid. I’m just curious, you know?” She turned back to the mirror, trying to swallow the scream of excited frustration she felt behind her teeth, the scream that would have read “let me help you hear” if she could release it.

  Vivian stood and wrapped her arms around her from behind, her chin propped on her shoulder. “It’s all right, Kate. I’m not going to get mad. Of course I wish I could hear you play.”

  “You do?” Excitement shot through her. She had to clamp down on her smile or she’d give it all away. Instead, she cuddled into Vivian deeper, enjoying the feeling of her arms around her.

  “Of course, there are many things I wish I could take part in. My life is... different than others, you know that.”

  “Would you change it if you could?” She hoped desperately that she didn’t look as anxious for the answer as she felt.

  Vivian just cupped her cheek and kissed her lips lightly. “Sometimes. Sometimes I would.”

  “I don’t know what the hell it was supposed to mean!” Kate cried as she packed up her cello that evening. “Like, really! It was almost like she knew exactly what I was getting at and wanted to leave me totally in the dark!”

  John, the ensemble’s trumpeter, was leaning heavily against the wall, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “She just said sometimes?” He frowned like Vivian had spouted ancient Latin.

  “Yes! Leave it to freakin’ Vivian to find a way to answer a direct question vaguely. She’s talented!” Kate groaned as she swung he
r cello case onto her back. In her frustration, it swung so hard that she stumbled a few feet, and John had to catch her.

  “Right. And you feel like you can’t go along with Jacqueline’s Christmas gift unless she seems like she actually wants it?”

  “Kind of? I don’t know, Jacqueline is terrible. Why would she do this? I mean it’s clear she would love to not have a deaf daughter anymore, so is that it? Is she just trying to make her daughter hearing? Or is this really for Vivian’s benefit?”

  John opened his mouth, but Kate barreled on.

  “And does it even matter if her intentions are bad? I mean, ‘cause that would be huge. Vivian would hear.”

  She couldn’t stop picturing Vivian’s face the moment Jacqueline had entered the kitchen on Thanksgiving. She had walked in chatting away at the daughter that couldn’t hear or understand her. She had seen Vivian’s face in that moment, blank, confused, and, above all, wounded.

  Every time that Jacqueline did something like that, Vivian seemed like a lost, little girl. It broke Kate’s heart.

  “Is it possible that it’s a little of both? Mommy Dearest wants to help, but a hearing daughter would be nice, too. I mean, that’s a possibility, right?” John asked, his arm settling heavily over her shoulder. “Because, damn, can you imagine if Vivian could hear? She’d take over Chicago in a heartbeat.”

  “It’s probable, even,” she admitted, ignoring his comment about Vivian’s ferocity. “I don’t know, Jacqueline’s so nice to Max. She can’t be as bad as she seems.”

  “So then?”

  “I don’t know!” Kate groaned. “There’s more to it than that! This is a huge thing. It’s surgery, like, fucking brain surgery. And I can’t just ask her if she wants it. Jacqueline would kill me if I gave away the surprise, but I just—”

  “So then don’t give it away,” John interrupted her rant with a shoulder shrug so calm that it irritated Kate a little.