Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  “Kate, you will—” Jacqueline began, but Kate turned on her.

  “No, Jacqueline. We won’t be taking it. We can’t take it.”

  “Fine!” Jacqueline’s voice was like a cold whip through the warm loft. “We can discuss this another time then.” Jacqueline’s words were short and hard. “We have other matters to attend to just now.”

  Vivian looked between them, her eyebrows drawn. There was a surprisingly large vein popping from her forehead, expressing just how frustrated she was with her inability to keep up. “I’m calling Charlie back here.”

  “No.” Jacqueline held out her hand, and Vivian stopped before she could pick up her phone, seeming annoyed with herself that she had.

  “What? Other matters?” Kate rolled her neck, trying to relieve some of the tension building in her shoulders.

  “The gift, girl, the gift!”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “Right. Fuck!” This was not how she had wanted this to go. The day was supposed to be a nice one. She was furious with herself. This was supposed to be a special moment, even romantic.

  This wasn’t how she wanted this to go, but she knew, angry or not, that she wanted to be a part of it. Huffing, she studied Vivian’s face, the way her lips were pursed, the way her eyes were slightly vacant. It was as though Vivian herself was pointing out why she needed to do this. Soon Vivian would never have to have that look on her face again.

  Finally, uncomfortable under Kate’s gaze, Vivian shifted. “Will someone please tell me what is going on?”

  “She wants me to give you your gift first,” Kate said.

  “What?”

  Slowly, Kate removed the box from her pocket and set it on the counter in front of Vivian.

  6

  “You’re supposed to open it,” Kate said when Vivian stared blankly at the box.

  Vivian cocked an eyebrow at her and carefully picked up the box. “Yes. Thank you for that.” Her face might have been blank, but her words came out just past teasing.

  Kate gave a small nod, a little embarrassed, but, at the moment, she didn’t care. She watched Vivian’s long fingers dance over the wrapping, not doing much but feeling the paper. Kate chewed her lip. Now was not a time to unwrap something delicately.

  “So this is the promised gift, is it?”

  “Yup.”

  “All right.” Vivian’s nervous eyes flicked up to Kate’s and all but rolled at whatever was on her face. Chuckling, she unstuck the first corner and muttered, “Like mother, like son.”

  “Well, to be fair, wrapping paper is pretty much meant to be torn.”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  Kate thought she might explode if Vivian took any longer. Her heart was beating hard in her chest, and her legs shook so badly that Kate wasn’t sure they would hold her. Despite herself, despite the fight and all of the other crap, she grinned widely, her facial muscles stretching to their fullest as Vivian lifted the lid. She held her breath, her hands clenching into excited balls. It felt like so long since Jacqueline had offered the gift idea, and she was so glad the wait was over. They could talk about it now. It was no longer a secret, as of this very moment.

  Vivian stared at the card inside, her eyes sweeping back and forth as she quickly read before she looked up, confusion in her eyes. “What is this?”

  Kate took her free hand, squeezing a little too hard in her anxious excitement. “It’s an appointment for an otolaryngologist.”

  “I’m sorry, it’s a what?”

  Smirking a little, Kate finger-spelled the word she had been practicing for the last week. This was the first time Kate had let herself sign like that in front of someone outside of her safe group of friends since the deaf dinner; it was uncomfortable. She could feel Jacqueline’s disapproval tickling down her spine.

  Vivian didn’t respond in any way. Her eyes stayed just a little too wide, her face empty of expression.

  That made Kate frown. She had wondered previously if Vivian had known this was an option, and now Kate wondered again if she somehow could have gotten through life without that knowledge.

  “Viv? An oto—”

  Vivian’s hands convulsed, snapping out of Kate’s grasp and startling her.

  A bit confused, Kate went on slowly, trying to read the weather in Vivian’s face. “You have an appointment to get a cochlear implant. And it’s with the best surgeon in the country.” Anticipation had built over the last weeks, so Kate waited for the smile, the look of disbelief, shock, happiness – any type of excitement. When Vivian’s face stayed maddeningly blank, Kate frowned, bouncing two fingers behind her ear in the sign for the implant.

  Vivian’s hand flashed out, grabbing Kate’s and crushing it to the table to keep it in place. “I know what you said.”

  “Um. Ow.”

  Vivian frowned, confused for a moment before she glanced down at Kate’s hand, and with a start, released her.

  Kate rubbed it, a stupid-huge grin building on her face. “Viv! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this! It’s totally amazing! Did you know? I mean, like, did you know that this was a possibility?” She was all but bouncing in place when Vivian finally spoke.

  “How did you find out about this?”

  Kate stopped, frozen by her icy tone.

  She was just a little disappointed. She knew it was dumb, but she was. Jacqueline had warned her that Vivian would probably need to be convinced a little, Kate hadn’t had any doubt about that, but she had been secretly hoping that it wouldn’t be true. She had hoped that Vivian would be instantly as excited as she was. She had hoped that they would immediately move on to rearranging Vivian’s schedule, to making sure that Kate could be there so they could go through this together.

  “What?” Kate studied Vivian’s face, took in the flush of her cheeks, and wondered if maybe she was reading this situation wrong. “How did I find out about what?”

  “The implant,” Vivian soundlessly signed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Answer me!”

  Kate jumped, surprised when Vivian’s voice came out loud and hard. “Your mom! Jesus! What the hell, Viv?” Slightly baffled, she turned to look for her co-conspirator, ready for Jacqueline to step in and explain. Only, Jacqueline was far from them, on the couch sipping a glass of wine and flipping through a magazine as if giving them privacy.

  “Jacqueline. You want to come over and give me a hand here?” Kate laughed a little, but it was forced, annoyed. Why was she just sitting there like she had nothing to do with this? They had agreed to talk Vivian down from any panic together.

  “You were working with my mother?” Vivian’s voice was quiet, dangerous, and Kate’s head sprung back around. She was beginning to feel storm clouds gathering above her, threatening bolts of lightning. She didn’t get it.

  “You and my mother booked an appointment for me to get an implant without even discussing it with me?”

  “Come on,” Kate tried. “This is great. Life-changing, even. I’m sorry we fought earlier, but let’s, um...” Her words trailed off as she glanced between the glaring women, at the mother and daughter locked in a silent battled. Vivian hadn’t seen a word she had said. “Viv?” She touched her hand, trying to get her attention. “I thought this would make you happy. What am I missing? Viv, this would make you hear.”

  Vivian’s eyes flashed.

  Kate flinched, but she continued. She could see that this hadn’t gone how it was supposed to, that Vivian was not open to the idea. That distant mental voice told her that she was burying herself under her own words, but she just wanted to get that look off of her girlfriend’s face. “No more pretending to understand what people are discussing in a large crowd. No more dancing to the beat instead of the music at clubs. No more needing Charlie at your side to communicate with the majority of the world. You could do it yourself! No more fighting for respect. Plus, you could understand your mother! You could understand me. Max! You could speak to Max.”

  Vivian’s eyes tight
ened, all the warmth from their small makeup on the balcony gone. “I do speak to Max.”

  Kate huffed. She was sinking in quicksand here. “Of course, I just meant—”

  Vivian turned back toward Jacqueline. “Mother. I suppose this explains your gift, then. Salt in the wound, was it? The celebration of another victory? Was it to celebrate another thing you have taken from me?”

  “Whoa! What?” Kate cried. She hated feeling like she had missed some integral piece of the puzzle, like she was just missing something because she was too new or too dumb to catch it. “Guys, what the hell is happening right now? Hey!” She waved at Vivian and asked her question again.

  “My mother began a charity foundation in my name that ‘rehabilitates’ deaf children.” Vivian shifted, her movements twitchy and sharp as she ran her hand through her hair. “Please don’t play coy, Kate. There’s no call for that, and at this point, the time has passed.”

  “What? Wait, coy? What? I didn’t—” But Vivian wasn’t looking at her. Her eyes were trained on her mother again, completely unaware that Kate was speaking to her.

  Finally, Jacqueline sighed, as if this whole situation were a huge inconvenience. Kate watched Jacqueline’s face, saw a shiver of upset pass over it, something she would have bet was disappointment before it cleared, condemning in its coldness.

  Kate’s stomach began to churn. She didn’t like that look at all.

  Setting her drink and her magazine down, Jacqueline stood and approached Vivian, a look of maternal warmth on her face.

  Kate let out the breath she had been holding. “Thank god.” She wasn’t sure exactly what to say to Vivian now.

  Vivian did not move as Jacqueline approached, nor did she when, with a gentleness that Kate had never seen from her before, Jacqueline cupped Vivian’s cheek, caressing it lightly.

  Jacqueline gave a deep, lazy sigh and gave the cheek a pat, perhaps harder than was kind. “It’s time, Vivian. It’s time.”

  “What?” Kate growled.

  Vivian’s eyes closed, her breath halting for just a moment as if absorbing the blow with all of her ironclad will.

  “I’m going to join Charlotte and Max.”

  “What? Jacqueline? Jacqueline!” Kate cried even louder.

  She watched in shock as she left. A picture was beginning to fall into place before her. She wanted to groan, but she could feel her body freezing. She called after Jacqueline again, but she just climbed the stairs, summoned the elevator, and disappeared. “Oh my god,” she moaned, tucking her hands into her back pockets. “I’m such an idiot. This has come up before. This supposed new idea Jacqueline just got… it’s come up before, hasn’t it? I’m so dumb.”

  “Yes.” Vivian’s frozen eyes were hard on hers. “This has come up many times before. Although,” Vivian paused, giving Kate a onceover reminiscent of the first night they met, “this is the first time she was able to recruit someone to her cause.”

  Kate winced at the sting. “But wait!” Kate reached for Vivian’s arm before she could turn away and cut Kate off. “Okay, so your mom is a dick. I get that. But don’t you want this? Jacqueline aside. Think about it, babe. Think about what it would be like to be able to hear again. Charlie’s laughter? Music? Max singing? The sounds I make when you make me come?” The wicked grin she gave her was probably shaky, but still she tried. Normally Vivian’s cheeks went pink or her eyebrow rose with composed delight when Kate said something suggestive. Watching nothing happen was unsettling. “She sucks and I’m stupid, but why not get something out of it?”

  She was beginning to realize that this situation was bad, and not laugh-about-it-later bad, but truly, very bad.

  “No, Kate,” Vivian said emotionlessly. “I don’t want this. Why would you ever think that I would want this? Then again, I suppose we just established outside that you have absolutely no idea who I am as a person.”

  “Whoa! Hey, that’s not—”

  “I cannot believe you let my mother talk you into doing this.” Vivian yanked her arm free. “How dare you!”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vivian, wait, I don’t understand. You’re mad at me? Actually mad at me? You don’t want it, fine, that’s all right. I fucked up your gift, but you’re mad at me? She told me you did… want it, I mean. I thought you would want it. I don’t get it! Why don’t you? Being deaf makes you miserable.”

  “No, Kate,” Vivian barked, loud enough to make her jump from her stool. “Being deaf is who - I - am.” The emphasis on each word was like a kick to the gut.

  Kate had been living on such a high, so excited to help Vivian through this wonderful change. The abrupt letdown was filling her with shock. Absurdly, she thought of Wile E. Coyote chasing after the obnoxious cartoon bird, only to discover the cliff he had been running on had actually ended ten feet back. She could see herself standing there, midair, feet secure on nothing, holding a sign that said “help.”

  She didn’t like the look that was washing over Vivian’s face. It scared her. The bitter mask had fallen off, exposing the underside of her emotions, pain twisting her features as Kate watched realization claw its way across her face.

  “How is it that you don’t know this about me? Oh.” Vivian’s eyes went round as she muttered. “You can’t handle that. That’s what it is.”

  “What?” Already on her feet, Kate took a step toward her and then changed her mind, not wanting to make Vivian feel crowded. “No! Okay? That’s not what I meant by the appointment, not at all. I thought this would be a good thing. I thought I was helping. I just want you to be happy. Of course I can handle—”

  “Of course.” Vivian’s lip curled back, her teeth bared. Kate took a step back as Vivian’s features seesawed to anger at an alarming speed, her hands slapping out her words with thick sarcasm, her face cruelly mocking as it pantomimed the emotions behind her words. “You thought you would help the pathetic, little, rich deaf girl. She has so much but, oh, she has one fatal flaw.” Vivian’s lips dropped into a wilting pout. “You’re here to save me as well as all the pathetic, little deaf girls in the future. You’re here to take their hands and show them back into the world of normal.”

  “What? No!” Kate cried, trying to calm her wince. It was amazing how cruelly mocking ASL could be.

  “God, how boring. How tedious of you, Kate,” Vivian snarled. “How just like everyone else.”

  “Vivian, no!” Kate could see a swirling cloud erupting in Vivian’s eyes. They were going to fight. She supposed they were already fighting, but this wasn’t going to be like the last time, that much was obvious. This was going to be so much worse.

  “Did you think you could ride in on your trusty steed and save me from my life?”

  She didn’t understand how they got here. She didn’t understand how she could have made Vivian look at her like this. She should have known. Of course Jacqueline was up to no good. Why had she been so stupid? “It sounds like you think I pity you, but Vivian, I –”

  “It’s true that being deaf is not all that I am, but it is a huge part of who I am.”

  “Of course! Totally! Yeah!”

  “What you have failed to grasp is that not all deaf people want to be hearing, Kate. Not all deaf people need to be hearing. I am proud of who I am,” she boomed. “I am proud of what I am!”

  Vivian was cutting her down like a weed in the garden, and Kate didn’t know how to make it stop. “Okay! Okay, great! Totally!” Her hands had gone out to her side, leaving her open and vulnerable. “I get that! Vivian, so am I. I’m proud—”

  Vivian wasn’t looking at her. “If there was a magical surgery that could turn you into a heterosexual, a surgery that could make you,”she spat the “you” sharply so that it laid mangled and disgusting on the floor between them, “normal as the world states normal must be, would you do it? Would you give up your Sapphic ways in order to fit into the box you were given at birth? Would you do it and be with someone like Max’s father and live a happy, heterosexual life?”

&nb
sp; “Whoa, hey! There’s no need to be like this! That isn’t the same!” She was getting angry, and that wasn’t going to help anything at all.

  “Isn’t it?” Vivian roared, her voice crashed over Kate, ready to open the angry clouds and soak her in vile venom.

  She could see Vivian’s anger and hurt building, the gauge checking her emotions slowly filling with angry smoke. Her instincts told her to run, to duck and cover before she lost her safety net, but she couldn’t. The anger she had felt only a moment before had flipped in the blink of an eye to panic. She was facing something more than a fight, she could see that in Vivian’s eyes. She needed to make her point and she needed to do it quickly. She needed to calm her love down.

  “No! It isn’t! Vivian, I get that you’re proud, I love that about you, but it’s not the same! I am not missing a basic human function! It’s a basic function that you could get back! Have you ever considered it? Have you ever thought about what you could gain? I’m not trying to be a dick and I’m not trying to be unsupportive, but have you ever thought about who you could be?” Vivian just stared at her in horror, so Kate kept talking, unable to stop the words spilling out of her. “I didn’t have anything to do with the foundation, I promise I had no idea. Your mom didn’t say anything, but in the end isn’t it a good thing? Isn’t helping children get along better in the world a good thing?”

  The mask dropped away from Vivian completely, exposing the horrified flesh underneath. There was so much pain in her eyes, a lifetime of being ripped open and sewn up only to rip out the stitches all over again. “I don’t know, Kate, how well do I get along in the world? Tell me that? What was done to me? Did it help me? Will that help the children who pass through my mother’s doors?”

  “What was done to you?” Kate twisted a little in place, running her hands through her hair. “Wait, you mean…”