Shades of Blue (Part Two of The Loudest Silence)

by Olivia Janae

  She got off on the Jackson Red Line stop and pushed her way through the usual throng of downtown people, her confidence still high. It didn’t waver, not until she entered the lobby of Vivian’s building.

  It was dead silent, maybe that was what did it. Somehow – perhaps because Vivian was currently the only occupant – the lobby kind of smelled of her. Maybe that’s what did it. Either way, she stood just inside the door, her feet glued in place, eyes darting around in panic. She couldn’t do this. This was going to hurt. She had decided almost as quickly as she had decided to ask that Vivian would say no, but now that she was here the reality of how that rejection would feel was finally starting to hit her.

  With shaky fingers she pulled out the box and opened it. The stone caught the light, and as if it were trying to prove its own worth, it glittered like a star, rainbows catching within its depths. It would look so beautiful on Vivian’s hand, bringing out the gentle golden color of her skin, heightening the beauty of the language she spoke with it.

  She glanced at the man behind the desk, the same man who had walked to her to the ‘L’ and wondered if he would stop her from going upstairs. He hadn’t been there the night before when she had come back with Vivian; it had been a different guard.

  She eyed him, and he eyed her back, both of them looking with a recognition they didn’t want to acknowledge.

  She knew he would have to check with Vivian before he would let her up. What if Vivian said no, and she was stopped before she ever tried?

  She looked down at the ring again and swallowed the lump that seemed caught in her chest.

  She felt for her keys in her pocket. She had known she still had this. It hadn’t occurred to her on the day she had been thrust from this place and into the cold, but not long after she had noticed. She hadn’t known what to do with it since she and Vivian weren’t talking. She had taken it from her key ring and had left it in the jacket Vivian had bought her, the one the warmer weather had already retired. Had she known this would be an obstacle when she grabbed it earlier that morning? She must have.

  Squaring her jaw, she winked at the huge man and headed toward the elevator.

  She could feel him watching her, clearly unable to decide what to do. He took a few steps, freeing himself of the desk, but he didn’t come after her.

  She stopped just before the key slid into the wall of the elevator, a thought occurring to her. She marched over to him, hands shoved nervously in her pockets. “What’s your name?”

  “Ma’am?”

  “You were there for what was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, and I don’t know your name. After all of this time, I still don’t know your name.”

  The man cracked a grin before quickly swallowing it down into his badass look. “It’s Kirk, ma’am.”

  Kate nodded. “Kirk. Like Captain Kirk.”

  “I prefer something a little more… intimidating.”

  Kate laughed and headed through the elevator doors.

  She was nervous as she rode to the top floor. Yelling at Jacqueline had been scarier than this, she knew that. This… this was simply right. This was to make Vivian understand. This was leaping off a cliff and hoping your parachute would open when it had a bad history of failing quality control tests.

  But she had to do it.

  She would lay it all out and hope that, equipped with the knowledge of how serious Kate was about all of this, Vivian would make a better decision than the last time.

  The elevator dinged, and she stepped into the apartment, listening to the silence of the rooms around her. Nerves were ringing through her body, making all the little hairs on her arms stand up straight.

  What the fuck am I thinking? She’s going to eat me alive. Bad marriages are made from leaping into them too soon. She’s going to rip you in half for this.

  Her cheeks began to burn. Even if Vivian saw the ring and proceeded to chew her up and spit her out, Vivian would finally understand the depth of Kate’s feelings for her. Vivian was finally going to see that someone besides Charlie was willing to stick around through thick and thin, despite the flaws that made Vivian who she was. She was meeting her love halfway and if she were lucky, Vivian would bridge that gap.

  She could do this.

  She would do this.

  …she would also leave the elevator open for a quick escape.

  She turned again, snapping the ring box closed and pocketing it. She would just tell her the truth and that would have to be enough.

  Was Vivian even home? The house was incredibly silent.

  The evidence of their tryst was still in the middle of the living room. Vivian’s pants, bra, and underwear still sat along with the socks Kate hadn’t realized she left behind. Nothing had been cleaned up and that concerned her. That wasn’t like Vivian.

  She pushed the button just inside the door of the apartment that made the yellow light manually flash.

  A small gasp came from the ground level, and Vivian rushed to the center of the downstairs living room, checking her phone for the source of the summons. Kate could hear her sniffles all the way up there, and it made her heart hurt.

  When nothing was on the phone’s screen Vivian whipped around, eyes huge.

  Vivian’s face was red and swollen, her eyes bloodshot. She was still in the light T-shirt she had thrown on the night before, despite the fact that it was early afternoon. The pants she had thrown on were wrinkled as though they had been taken from the hamper. The most surprising thing, though, was that her ever-perfect hair was yet to be brushed, still in the wild tangles that Kate had created with rough fingers the night before. Vivian looked as though she had been sitting and crying since Kate left. Now, she was clutching her cup of coffee desperately, hands shaking as her owlish eyes stared up at Kate in shock.

  Her heart grew heavy as she watched Vivian, unmoving, looking like a deer frozen in headlights. Why had she been crying? Was it the things she had said to her? She shouldn’t have just walked out that way. She was hurt and scared, but that was no excuse.

  “Kate?” Vivian finally croaked, and, though it was clear she was trying to regain her composure, she did not do a very good job. She ran a hand through her hair and tried to calm her face, but her eyes were still wide and the hands around the mug still shook. “What are you—”

  Kate held up a hand, waving her over.

  Vivian put down the cup and came slowly as if she wasn’t sure she wanted to come at all.

  When she was near, Kate took a deep breath and flew by the seat of her pants, allowing her hands to soundlessly dance through her words.

  “You’re so dumb.”

  “What?” She might have been disordered and messy that morning, but in that one word she heard Vivian the Ice Queen in all of her regal fury.

  She pushed on. “You’re so dumb, Vivian, and the amazing part is that you don’t even know it.” Vivian’s eyes popped wide, whether at the insult or the sudden display of Sign Language, Kate didn’t know, but she didn’t mince her words. She was pretty sure that if she stopped now then she would never get started again. “You’re not broken, Vivian. You’re not unlovable. You’re hurt and you’re scared, and I get it. You’ve lived every day of your life feeling as though you were less than everyone else, which is awful. You were brushed into a corner and forgotten for half your life. You were wrapped up in a box and put in the back of the closet so you wouldn’t be in anybody’s way. You’re not unlovable, you were taught that you are unlovable, and there is a huge difference between the two. Here’s the thing, Vivian, you’re wrong. They were wrong. You’re the sun. You’re the sun, Vivian.”

  Vivian’s eyes swept Kate’s face, confused tears gathering as she watched Kate’s hands in wonder.

  “You’re the sun, and I - I orbit... you gladly. That’s why you’re so dumb because you don’t understand that fact. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I admire you so much. I told you I would kiss you every day for the next twelve months an
d I will, Vivian. I will kiss you every day, every week, every month, every year for the rest of my fucking life if you let me. Because you’re the strongest person I know, but even strong people need others to help them. Even strong people need a home where they can let their hair down and just be loved.” Carefully she pulled the box from her pocket and opened it. Vivian stumbled backward, hitting the banister with a clang, hands barely catching her as her mouth and her eyes popped wide in shock. “I told you I wanted to keep you, if you let me. What I didn’t tell you, Vivian, was that when I said I wanted you to keep us what I really meant was we, Max and I, want to keep you.”

  And then as sudden as if she’d flipped a switch, the words ran out. She had no more to say and she felt kind of lame, like she could have, should have done better.

  She didn’t know what to do now so she gently took Vivian’s hand and placed the box in her open palm.

  Vivian’s fingers fluttered over her mouth, her lips trembling as her brows knit together. It made Kate wonder if she knew that she was crying. Was the crying good or bad? Kate honestly didn’t know.

  Kate stood for one beat, two, three, and... nothing. There was no reaction from Vivian. She only stared at the ring, her fingers touching her lips, tears dripping down her chin.

  It was torture. She had to get out of there. She wasn’t strong enough to stand there like an asshole for much longer. That feeling was beginning to roll in like fog, the new foster home blues, the feeling of standing in front of someone and not being wanted.

  What the fuck had she been thinking?

  Kate took a step back into the metal box, lifting her bag and watching Vivian’s frozen face. She stared pleadingly into her eyes. “Just think about it.”

  The doors closed.

  Kate had been right before.

  It hurt.

  She rubbed at her chest as though that would soothe the ache.

  Had she really just run?

  That hadn’t been part of the plan.

  Agitated she ran her hands over her face, scratching across her scalp, scratching hard as she groaned. Kate sank her hands into her pockets as she stepped out of the elevator, her head hanging low on her shoulders.

  Vivian would call her if she decided to turn her down, right? She wouldn’t just pretend it never happened?

  To her horror, a splattering of images forced their way into her mind. She saw herself walking into the next rehearsal and making eye contact with Vivian, who suddenly grew pale and had to leave very quickly. She saw Vivian, a date on her arm, looking at Kate as though she were a pariah, avoiding her at all of their future meetings. She wanted to find comfort in the fact that these rehearsals would be her last with WCCE, that she would only see Vivian at citywide arts events, but that didn’t help much.

  She picked up her pace, ready to get out of this building ASAP.

  The sudden snatch of her arm ripped a yelp from her, and her first thought was that the huge man behind the booth, Kirk, had finally made up his mind about how to treat her. She spun, ready to fight off her attacker, but hands grabbed her collar and shoved her into the wall of the barren lobby.

  “Ow! Crap!” she moaned as her head, still sore from hitting the floor over and over again the night before now hit the stone wall behind her.

  “Did you really just propose to me and then fucking leave, Katelyn Flynn?” Vivian’s eyes were liquid fire, and, for the first time in a while, they were somewhat terrifying.

  “I… I did?” She stumbled. “I thought you might want some… space, maybe? I don’t know. Did you just say fuck?” Had she heard Vivian swear before? She had seen her say dirty things in bed, but had she ever heard her outright swear before?

  “You thought I might want some space?” Vivian asked in a deadpan voice, her face so close to Kate’s that she could feel the tickle of her breath, smell her tear-soaked skin, her makeup remover, and the sharp scent of expensive coffee on her lips.

  “Um, yes?” She gave a lame smile and hoped it helped her a little bit here.

  Vivian’s eyebrow cocked over her still soggy eyes, curving into a perfect arch. “Allow me to give you some advice, Ms. Flynn,” she growled, pushing her a little harder into the wall. Kate whimpered, more from nerves than from pain. “There are moments when you give someone space, and there are moments when you most certainly do not.”

  Kate opened her mouth, not sure what the hell that was supposed to mean. “Um.”

  Vivian glared for a long moment before the look melted into confusion. “This is a moment when you do not.” Vivian closed the gap between them, holding Kate flush against her. Their kiss was not long but the moment she released Kate, the dark aura around her broke and she whispered, “Did you really just propose to me?”

  Kate grinned, still unsure. “I did.”

  “Are you sure you meant to do that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Isn’t it sudden?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you mean it?”

  “Yeah.”

  Vivian’s face melted, her lips trembling. “You did?” she cooed.

  “I want to marry you, Vivian Kensington. I thought proposing might be the best way to make that happen.”

  Her fingers traced Kate’s bottom lip. “You learned Sign.” Vivian’s wide eyes filled again, tears threatening to spill over. “I saw with Charlie, but I thought... You learned Sign.”

  “I was always learning it, Vivian!” Kate protested. “I just... I got better.”

  Vivian’s eyes searched her face, looking for a hint, a clue to some magnanimous riddle. “Do you realize what you’re asking for? I’m—”

  “If you say unlovable, I might throw that ring at your head.”

  “But Kate,” she said in a small voice.

  “Only you think you’re not good enough. And come on, I’m not so perfect either. But we work. Why not, Vivian? Give me one good reason why not other than you don’t think you’re lovable.”

  “And all of the fighting?”

  “And that.”

  Vivian’s lips curled into an embarrassed smile, and she ducked her head, hiding in Kate’s neck. “You really want to keep me? Even though you’ve seen my ugly side?”

  Gently pinching her chin, Kate held her still. “Every fucking day. Every fucking night.” She smiled, her arms wrapping around Vivian’s small waist.

  Vivian’s eyes narrowed after a moment, and Kate’s heart leapt painfully. She had assumed because of the kiss, but maybe …

  “Do it right,” Vivian insisted.

  “Um, what?”

  “Do it right!” Sniffing harshly, Vivian pulled the small box from her wrinkled pants and forced it into Kate’s hand.

  “Um.” Kate wasn’t sure exactly what this meant, but her heart was filling slowly with warm hope. She felt herself grin foolishly as she took the ring from its bed of velvet and slowly, eyes locked, she bent before Vivian.

  Vivian’s face glittered as fresh diamonds slid down her cheeks, the most wonderful look of awe on her face.

  Kate balanced the ring gently on her knee and, looking up into those hopeful eyes, she signed, “Will you please, for the love of god, just marry me already, Vivian?”

  Vivian’s smile could have lit the world. Kate found it warmed the dark and hurt places in her soul. “Are you sure you want that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure you realize what that would mean? I mean, we would be married. We would live in the same house, share our expenses, I would always be there and I—”

  It was rare when Vivian babbled, and Kate was always a pretty big fan of it. Today, however, she didn’t want to hear it.

  “Are you trying to convince me more? Because that’s what’s happening.”

  Vivian’s large, brown eyes blinked at her, slow and nervous. “Are you sure, Kate?”

  “Yes.”

  There was no hesitation, no further indecision from Vivian. “Then yes.”

  The shock rocked through Kate as she jumpe
d to her feet, nearly losing the ring in the process. She had to clutch wildly at the air to keep it in her grasp, bouncing it and trying to catch it like an inexperienced juggler. “Yeah?”

  Vivian laughed, and the laugh was light and happy. “Yeah. If you really mean it, then yeah.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Holy shit!” Kate shouted. She grabbed her love and pulled her tightly to her, spinning her in a circle. “We’re getting married?”

  Vivian let out a huff, obviously overwhelmed by the thought. “We’re getting married. Oh my god, we’re getting married!”

  “Holy shit!” Kate pulled Vivian back to her, celebrating her, kissing her with every cell of her body, kissing her so hard that she lifted her off of her feet.

  They broke apart again breathless and laughing to the cheers of the man behind the security booth.

  Life wasn’t supposed to feel this much like a movie. She was sure of that. Still, as Kate scooped her up again into a tight hug, she couldn’t help but think that it did.

  “But Kate.”

  Kate’s heart stopped at the sudden pushing hands, forcing her to put Vivian down.

  “What?”

  “Kate, I want to see Max. I want to ask Max.”

  “You want...” She stared at Vivian, emotion suddenly making her weak. Her eyes burned as tears came from nowhere, threatening to spill. “You want to ask Max?”

  “I do.” Vivian nodded slowly, looking at the ring on her finger. “I want to ask him if we can be a family.”

  Kate just stared at her, shocked. Vivian wanted to ask Max? There was something so perfect about that. She couldn’t quite wrap her head around it.

  Carefully she reached out and slipped her hand into Vivian’s.

  “Okay.”

  The drive back to Kate’s apartment was a surreal one. They spoke very little, their hands tangled on the center console. Every now and then Kate looked at Vivian’s hand on the wheel and felt a wave of disbelief.