Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  I’m starting to get into a rhythm and routine to keep my to-do list done, but I’m back to my old habits with coke in the mornings before school. I don’t think Gray has noticed, but I’m not really sure. He’s been spending a lot of time with his friends at night since I’m never available. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to sit at home alone either, but I’m envious. Somehow I have to figure out a way to set aside time with him. He hasn’t started complaining yet, but I know it’s just a matter of time. We haven’t had sex since the night before school started, causing a physical ache within me.

  Sitting in Statistics, I’m bored out of my mind listening to the professor drone on. My mind drifts to Gray, and I pull out my phone to send him a text.

  Me: Hey, baby. Just thinkin about u. Miss u!

  Gray: Miss u 2, Bird Dog

  Me: Do u have plans 2 nite? I was thinking I cud blow off homework

  Gray: Sorry. I made plans w/Topher since u r always busy

  Me: I understand

  I keep hoping he will send me another message saying that he changed his plans so we can hang out, but that message never comes. My heart hurts, and doubt is starting to creep in; my insecurities are getting the best of me. I never ask him what he does when he goes out with his friends. I mean, I know where they go, but not really what they do. They go out for drinks, and he comes home, passing out while I’m doing homework. He comes home every night, but his playfulness hasn’t been what it used to be. The first week or so of school when he would come in, he would annoy the snot out of me while I was trying to study. Pulling my hair, kissing me, tickling me, anything to get my attention for brief moments, but he hasn’t been doing that recently. I’ve been so tired, I haven’t really cared that much, but I’m determined to find my way back to him. I resolve to have everything done by the time he gets home so when he walks in the door, I’ll be all his. I want him to anticipate tonight as much as I am, hoping he will come home sooner than later.

  Me: I’ll b waiting 4 u when u get home…naked

  Gray: …really??

  Me: I want 2 feel u n side me. All I can think about is riding ur cock

  Gray: Holy shit, Bird Dog! I just spit my drink all over Topher.

  Me: Surprised?

  Gray: Hell yeah! Excited!

  Me: C u 2 nite. Luv u!

  Gray: Luv u 2, baby

  My last class of the day was cancelled, allowing me to get my homework done before I left school. I stay later than normal so I can email out the proposals I’m finishing up instead of going to the office. Luckily, Jack doesn’t care where I work from as long as I keep bringing in clients. I call in to the office to get messages and return those calls, which creates more work, but I guess that’s just job security.

  I know Gray isn’t going to be home before ten tonight so I decide to use my spare time, a current gift from heaven, to do a little pampering. Stopping by the spa, I get a full wax in the nether regions, eyebrows done, and a Mani/Pedi. I debate going to buy some sexy lingerie, but decide against it since I’ve told Gray I would be naked. He’s not big on lingerie anyhow, says it gets in the way and he would rather I not wear panties…ever. By the time I walk in the door it is after nine so I put my things away, light some candles in the bedroom, turn on the radio, and get naked. I’m beat, but determined to enjoy an evening with Gray. I normally never do a line at night, it keeps me up forever, but tonight, I need help or I am going to be out before he walks through the door.

  I grab my eight ball out of the pocket of my book bag and wander into the bathroom with a blade in hand. I cut a line before grabbing a dollar bill out of my wallet to roll into a makeshift straw. Gray must have been in stealth mode because I never heard him come in, much less walk up behind me in the bathroom as I took the line up my nose. As I straighten up, tilting my head back, a finger on my nostril inhaling deeply, I see him in the mirror. There’s a flash of anger in his eyes, but he holds his tongue. I stand there, staring at him through the reflection, waiting for him to react. Suddenly, he strips his clothes off, and his massive hands grip my waist from behind.

  He bends me over the counter, and I can tell by how he is handling my body this is going to be rough. Almost painfully, he shoves three fingers in me, pumping me heatedly. I feel his fist brush the crack of my ass and poise his head for entrance. There is no lube, no wetness, just primal, raw, Gray. I’m afraid he is going to tear me apart with whatever has come over him. He is gentler than I expected as he pushed past the rim of my ass, slowly sliding to the hilt, his sac pressing against my pussy.

  “Hold on to the counter, Annie.” His voice is cold and commanding, no feeling at all. He almost never calls me by my name, so I know this isn’t love that is about to take place, but I’m not sure what it is. I find out quickly. It’s angry ‘I need a release’ feral lust. He pounds into my ass with his swollen cock and it hurts immensely. He isn’t trying to make this pleasurable for me. He has removed his fingers, leaving both hands on my hips digging into me.

  I try to take it without reflecting any emotion. My pelvic bones are screaming in pain from the repetitive hammering against the granite counter edge. He grabs my hair, fisting it as he pulls my head backward, and I make eye contact with him in the mirror. Nothing shows in his eyes; they’re flat, like he isn’t present in the moment. Tears pour down my face as he finds his release in me. He pulls out, leaving me lying there on the counter when he walks out of the bathroom. Silently crying, I ache physically and feel utterly used.

  Easing my body down on the floor, still naked, I lean back against the tub to try to pull myself together. I don’t know what just happened or why. I bring my knees to my chest burying my head in between them, hugging myself. Unaware of the time that has passed, the coke has taken effect so I am essentially numb. I don’t know when he came back in or if he sat there and watched me. I never heard him. He scoops me up out of the floor, one arm under my knees, one behind my back, pressing me to his chest. He is still naked when he takes me to the bed cradling me in his lap. I have no idea what the fuck is going through his head and I’m confused. This is my sweet caring Gray, who loves me, not the asshole that just attacked me in the bathroom.

  “I’m not going to apologize to you, Bird Dog. I had no idea you were using again. You’re abusing your body. The pain you just felt is a fraction of what I’m feeling after seeing you snort that shit up your nose.”

  What the fuck? Was he trying to prove some point in the bathroom? My mind is reeling, thinking that scene was borderline rape, or abuse… except I never said no or even so much as hinted for him to stop.

  “Geezus, you say that like I’m a fucking drug addict on the street. I only do enough to keep up with my schedule. That has not been a secret. I’ve never hidden it from you or lied to you about it.” I’m trying to pull away from his chest, but he won’t release his hold on me.

  “I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of you hurting yourself so you can be Super Woman. You don’t have to be perfect, baby.” He doesn’t allow me to respond before he continues. “I want to show you the difference between damage and love.” Tenderly, he rolls us over so I’m on my back with him above me. I wince as his weight hits my hipbones as he lifts himself up on to his elbows. Leaning back on his knees, he assesses my waist that is already donning a bright purple bruise drawing a line straight across my abdomen. He kisses my stomach and lovingly strokes his hands over my body. He is deliberate in his touches, but they are feather light, worshipping my body with an offering of caresses. He shows me, in a way only Gray can, how he loves me. It’s tender and passionate like he’s writing a poem without words.

  I close my eyes and relish in how different this feels from the havoc he wreaked on my body just half an hour ago. When I feel his thick manhood slide gingerly into me, my eyes open to find the connection I needed to see in the mirror earlier. Our souls dance to this rhythm and create a choreography all their own. It’s sublime. We share no words, just the rocking motion as our bodies sway
together. It’s transcendent and serene. We reach the apex together, quietly panting our release. “I love you, Bird Dog,” he murmurs in my neck. Still intertwined, I somehow fall asleep.

  Chapter Sixteen – Gray

  I miss the hell out of her; she’s gone all the time. I feel like a little bitch complaining, I know the girl works her ass off, but I need her too. It’s like the sun doesn’t come out during the day anymore without her around. I’ve bitched to Topher about it repeatedly and he just keeps saying to let her do her thing. He says I knew what I was getting into when I started down this path and it’s not fair to expect her to change her goals to accommodate me. I know he’s right, but I’m lonely.

  Abby was always home when I got there, always waiting for me, at my beck and call. Annie’s a completely different story. She won’t let anything stand in her way of getting that damn degree on her own, including me. I don’t miss Abby, but a small part of me wants Annie to be a little more attentive to my needs. Shit, she’s twenty-years old, what do I expect? At Topher’s suggestion, I’m hanging out with my friends more, trying to stay busy so I don’t feel like I’m waiting on her.

  It seemed like a good suggestion when he made it, but the more I go out, the more I know I should be staying home. It’s been so long since I’ve been on the single scene; I had forgotten how entertaining it is to have women seduce you to get you to take them home. Obviously, I’m not taking them home, but flirting is harmless, right? I know for the next year, I don’t have to worry about Annie seeing any of my antics since she’s not old enough to get into most of the clubs we go to, and refuses to get a fake ID because she simply doesn’t care. In the back of my mind, I know I’m playing with fire, but I feel deprived and just want attention. I haven’t crossed a line with any of these women, but I’ve gotten dangerously close. Had Topher not been there to reel my ass back in, I probably would have totally fucked up. The mature part of me knows I need to tell Annie that I miss her, that I need to spend time with her, but I feel selfish demanding anything from her. I tried messing with her when I would come in from dinner or a bar at night. She’d giggle and smile, but always go back to what she was working on. It pissed me off after a few days so I quit trying, but my schedule leaves me a lot of free time, time I want to spend with her.

  Sitting on the couch, contemplating the ups and downs of our relationship, there’s a knock on the door. I get up to look through the peephole. “Motherfucker, this is not going to be good.” Standing at Annie’s door is Ray, Abby’s dad. Reluctantly, I open the door to an irate man. I just stare at him, waiting for him to say something because I sure as hell am not about to ask what he’s doing at my girlfriend’s apartment or how he knew I was living here.

  “Gray, can I come in?” he asks with heated breath.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ray. What can I do for you?”

  “I wanna talk to you about Abby – ” I cut him off.

  “With all due respect, sir, our relationship is between us.”

  “Like hell it is. My girl shows up at my house in tears, won’t eat, can’t sleep, and looks horrible, it becomes my business. You took vows, Gray! You owe her more than this. She deserves better.”

  If he had a gun with him, this would be where I would expect him to pull it on me. “I agree, she does deserve better, that’s why I left.” I’m detached. I feel nothing for her or her family.

  “That’s bullshit! I know you’re sleeping with some little tramp, everyone in town knows. This is my only warning to you and her. You better hope I don’t catch you out or I’ll annihilate you both. You’re just like your mama, Gray – hopefully, you’ll be better at not getting caught.”

  He’s seething and I understand why, but that doesn’t make me like it any more. Instead of responding, I just close the door. When I hear his heavy feet on the steps, I dump myself on the couch raking my hands through my hair. Not only did the man basically tell me what a piece of shit I am, but he insulted the only two women in the world that I love, essentially calling them both whores, and I didn’t defend either one of them. If Big Dee had been here, she would have been in Ray’s face, never backing down. Me? I just let him talk shit. I’m grateful he didn’t show up when Annie was home. I don’t think she would have taken the scene very well, and I’m not sure how she would have responded to him making assumptions about her that were so far from the truth.

  I shoot Topher a text. I need to get out of here.

  Me: Meet me at Chiefs. I need a drink.

  Topher: Give me an hour

  Me: C u then

  As soon as I set my phone down, it pings with a text. I pick it up to see Annie’s name on the screen. She asks me about coming home early tonight so we can hang out, but I blow her off. I know I’m being a total ass. I could easily meet Topher and be home before she gets here, but for some reason I want her to feel what I feel every day. I do miss her and am only hurting myself by blowing her off. I don’t respond after her last text even though I know I should. Any other girl would be cussing my ass for not making her my number one priority, but Annie never does. She never pushes and never asks for more than I can give. She accepts me as is.

  An hour later, I’m sitting with Topher eating wings, drinking a cold beer when my phone vibrates in my pocket.

  Annie: I’ll b waiting 4 u when u get home…naked

  Me: …really??

  Annie: I want 2 feel u n side me. All I can think about is riding ur cock

  Me: Holy shit, Bird Dog! I just spit my drink all over Topher.

  Annie: Surprised?

  Me: Hell yeah! Excited!

  Annie: C u 2 nite. Luv u!

  Me: Luv u 2, baby

  And just like that, my sunshine comes out from behind the clouds. How does she do that? How does she know just what to say to get what she wants and make me think it was what I wanted, too? No nagging, no bitching, just suggestion. I picture her naked, facing me, bouncing up and down on my dick, causing my pants to get a little tight around the zipper. I have another couple of beers and chill with Topher for a while before I go home.

  She said she’d be waiting for me naked. I don’t want her to know I’m home. I just want to sneak up behind her and take her to bed. God, I miss touching her. When I walk in, I kick off my shoes at the door hearing her rummaging around in the bathroom. Silently, I trod down the hall to the edge of the bathroom door. She stands up completely naked, holding a finger to her nose, drawing in a deep breath. I thought I had startled her until I realize she doesn’t know I’m behind her. I look down at the counter at the unraveling dollar bill covering a razor blade and the traces of white powder. She catches my eye in the mirror, seeing the rage that is aching to come out of me. She’s doing blow on the fucking bathroom counter. I have hit a level of fury that I didn’t know existed in me. All I can see is red. If she wants to fuck her body up, then I’m going to help her do it. I’ll show her what pain is.

  My clothes hit the floor instantly. I grab her hips giving her every indication that this is going to be intense. I don’t take the time to ease into her. I fervently jab three fingers at once in her sex, continuing to ravage her. My dick is throbbing when I take it in my hand placing the tip of it to her ass. I don’t bother with any type of lubrication, but I initially take it slow so I don’t rip her apart. She’s gotten used to my cock in her ass, but I know there’s still an adjustment upon penetration.

  “Hold on to the counter, Annie.” Calling her Annie is almost painful to me; she’s not Annie, she’s my baby, sweetheart, Bird Dog… mine. She knows when I don’t use a term of endearment that I’m intentionally hurting her. I pound into her ass, expecting her to cry out in pain, but she never does. I take my fingers out of her pussy so I know she isn’t getting any relief. Seizing her hips in my hands, I force her hips to the hard counter top over and over. I can hear the bones hitting the granite, knowing it hurts, I don’t let up.

  I want her to see me, so I grab her hair and pull it back so our eyes meet in
the mirror. My cock starts to tighten, my balls thumping loudly against her skin as I come in her ass. Without a sound, tears are streaming down her face. I know I’ve hurt her and probably done irreparable damage. I can’t take the anguish looking back at me in the mirror, so I just pull out of her and walk away.

  I need to get away from her, realizing what the fuck I’ve just done. This beautiful girl who trusts no one, trusts me, and I just treated her like the whore Ray said she was. It seemed like a good illustration when it started, but I’ll be damned if I can remember how I worked that logic out in my head. I leave her in the bathroom for probably fifteen or twenty minutes while I calmed my ass down, fully expecting her to come to me, but she never does. There’s no noise coming from the bathroom, causing me to wonder if she’s really hurt.

  My heart breaks when I walk back into the bathroom and see her hugging her knees, her head in her lap, leaned against the tub. She’s still naked and looks so innocent. She still doesn’t know I’m in the room so I bend down and take her in my arms. She’s lost weight and seems utterly helpless. I crush her body to my chest, unexpectedly very protective. I settle her in my lap when we reach the bed, knowing I have to say something to fix this.