He made a sort of frustrated groan in his throat, and tightened his arms around me. I could smell he was turned on, and he seemed like he didn't want to be. "I don't know how I'm going to wait till tomorrow when you talk to me like that."
I kissed the side of his face, where I could reach without moving him, and put my arms around him. Holding him like this felt just right.
I loved that my big, strong, alpha-type Justin was in some ways so vulnerable to me. That I could make him blush, and he could want me so bad.
It was good. It was all really good.
BEFORE I WASTED THE evening in riotous TV-watching and snogging, I needed to talk to my partner.
He was being as supportive and protective as he knew how, but there was no missing the tang of his distress when he got back from his run. I could even smell it, the sheer distress of him, as he scrubbed dishes vigorously in the kitchen.
I stood watching him a minute. Justin had promised not to butt in. In the living room, I could hear him restlessly switching channels.
"You don't have to do that," I said to Tomas. "You cooked. I'll clean up. I'll get to it a bit later, okay?"
He made a sound that was part huff, part snort.
"I will. I probably won't be able to sleep at all tonight, so there's plenty of time. And even if there isn't, I'll make time. You don't have to do everything, Tommy." I took a couple of steps slowly closer as I talked, trying to sound as reasonable as I could.
We both knew he wasn't upset about the dishes.
I didn't need Justin here with his jealous assessment of events derailing the conversation, but there was no denying Tomas was upset.
"Tomas," I said, from closer yet, very softly. "What's wrong?" I put my hands on his shoulders. They were bunched up tight and miserable, and when I touched him, he froze. "Tell me what's wrong?"
He turned to look at me, shaking soapy water off his hands. He smelled distressed and a bit pissed off. He looked like he was grieving. "You probably think I'm a jealous idiot, but I'm not. I don't—I'm happy for you. I just..."
He coughed and looked down, sounding like he was trying not to let his voice break. "It's just that he waltzes into your life, and I know how it's—it's gonna go. I'm on the shelf, pushed down the list. I'm the third wheel. I know how this goes. Friends don't matter much when you're falling in love. I'll be forgotten soon enough—and worse than forgotten. Oh, sure, he says he won't take you away. You say you won't go. But I know guys like Justin, okay? One of these days, you'll leave. It'll be perfectly reasonable, I know. Maybe you hate doing long distance, you're able to handle death smells now, blah blah blah, and I'm sure it'll be your idea.
"But the fact is, you'll be leaving me. I hate that we've invested so much in this, and he's just going to walk away with you. You're already the best friend I've ever had. We work well together, but it's not just that—if it was just that, I'd try to find a new partner."
He looked at me pleadingly. "I wish you could tell me that won't happen, but I know how these things go, okay? And I'm really fucking cut up about it." He wiped a damp hand across his face and sighed, looking down. "I'm sure I'll adjust eventually. I'll survive the whirlwind of Justin knocking through this life we'd been making for ourselves, and I'll move on—but I'm going to miss you, okay?"
I dropped my gaze, fingers playing uneasily with the corner of my shirt. I didn't know how to set him at ease. I didn't know the right words to say. Hell, for all I knew he was more right than not, although I didn't think so.
All I could do was tell him the truth.
"Tomas, do you know how long I stayed with my pack?"
He wiped at his eyes. "What?"
"Not a real pack. My gangster pack. The ones I thought of as my pack. It was a long time. So many years I'm ashamed to count them, okay? I thought they were my—my pack. Because one of them took me in and helped me once. Even though, really, none of them were loyal to me, none of them protected me as well as they should have, or—or loved me, the way a pack should.
"They used me. Sometimes, they hurt me. But I was loyal to them. Because that's who I am, okay? I'm—I'm not a good loner, Tommy. I need people, and—and I'm loyal."
I took a deep, shaky breath and forced myself to meet his gaze. "We've been together almost four months. You're the best friend I've ever had, too. You put up with me, you care about me. You're just so good. If I couldn't leave criminals, how am I ever going to leave you?"
The look on his face was something. "I let you steal my junk food," he said with a laugh that was almost a sob. Then he was hugging me tightly around the middle. "Don't go, Riley. I want you to be happy. Just—don't leave me in the process."
"I won't. We'll work it out. It'll be okay. You'll see."
I held him for a long time, till he smelled less distressed. In the living room, Justin was flipping channels faster and faster. But he would just have to deal. For these few moments, my partner needed me.
"HERE." TOMAS THRUST a big box of condoms into my hands.
He had the decency to look embarrassed—but not very embarrassed. "Don't give me that look. I know exactly what you two are going to be getting up to the second I'm out the door, and I'm not having you catch something from him."
Could he sound any more like a dad?
"Tommy!" I protested, blushing as hard as I ever had in my life.
"I don't want to hear it. No glove, no love. Man, you should've seen the look the clerk gave me when I bought the biggest size they had. He may as well have said 'Yeah, right, buddy, you keep fooling yourself.'"
"I'm sure you're a great size, Tommy." I couldn't help smiling a little.
"Just be safe, and it'll be worth the embarrassment." He gave me a quick hug. "And don't forget you promised," he said more quietly, muffled against my big chest.
"I won't." I stroked the back of his head.
When we drew apart, he searched my face, making sure of something, then gave me a swat on the side and a warm grin. "Go get 'em, Tiger."
"I am so not a tiger." There was nothing remotely feline about me. I wasn't even much of a wolf.
"It's a saying, smartass. I'll miss you today. But I'm glad you're happy." With those words, he left us to it.
And what a "to-it" it was.
Justin was so beautiful, even more so without his clothes on. He'd seen wear and tear; he had a few marks on him. A crooked toe that had healed wrong after being broken. A scar on his left thigh, and another near his neck, a jagged little white line that he said was nothing to worry about, just an accident. A small birthmark was behind his right knee. A tattoo of a kraken rounded out his look, situated on his flat, toned stomach, his belly button its gaping maw.
"No wolf tattoo?" I teased, reaching for him, stroking the ink with my fingertips.
He shivered. "No, but I'll get one if you want."
I kissed him. He tasted so good to me, filling my senses, making me feel both drunk and very alive. I pulled him to me, reveling in the feeling of his warm, hard body against mine.
I drew him down onto the bed, rolling sideways with him, kissing him, kissing him. I was definitely getting better with practice...
Of course, before we really got to anything much more than that, Justin had to be all "no means no" and go over everything: if I was uncomfortable, I only needed to let him know. It was fine to go slowly, and it was no problem if things didn't work out. This was something for us to enjoy together, no rush. I didn't have to do anything, and if I changed my mind at any point—
"Justin," I complained. "Quit talking and sex me up!"
And, finally, he did.
The next few days were spent in a heady rush of sex and lust, kissing and snuggling, hanging out, talking and eating together—but mostly sex.
Justin said I was making up for lost time, but really, I didn't think that was it. It was him, it was just him. His scent did things to me, turned off my self-critical anxiety and made me want things, and want to do things, I'd never been brave enough for bef
ore.
After that first time, he pretty quickly got over the idea that I was a shrinking virgin he needed to protect from his libido. We did a lot of stuff together.
I liked it all.
And already, I was counting down the days I had left with him, before he had to go back to work. It wasn't enough. It wouldn't have been enough if I'd had three times as long.
Tommy was good about it, all the sex, how distracted I was. He made sure I was on vacation the entire time, because, as he said, it wasn't worth trying to work with me in this condition. "Your head is not exactly in the game, Riley."
It really wasn't. Unless the game was "sex with Justin," in which case, I was totally there. He blew off the rest of his conference. We spent every minute we could together. When we parted, after four days together, I felt like my heart was going to break. I couldn't hug him and kiss him enough to last till next time.
"I'll see you soon," Justin kept promising. "Really soon. I promise. I won't go months without visiting again, I promise."
I leaned against him, closing my eyes, willing myself not to start crying in the airport. I felt like my heart was breaking.
If I hadn't exactly said the word, and he hadn't either, "mates" was the elephant in the room. Apparently I gave my heart as quickly and thoroughly as any other wolf.
I didn't know how I was ever going to survive being parted from him.
"You'll be fine," Tomas told me on the drive home from the airport. "You'll do long-distance briefly, then he'll move nearer. You know he will, Riley. He's already said he has to find a new job soon."
I stayed turned away, facing out the window. I couldn't bear to look at anyone right now. I couldn't bear to hope.
Tomas sighed. "They really should have something like compassionate leave, for this time for wolves."
I didn't say anything. He wasn't wrong; Tommy knew the score without having to hear the word mates, either.
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT." Nolan's voice on the phone was excited as a pup's on Christmas morning.
"What?" I said. It was going to be about Cecelia. It was bound to be. I was already smiling in anticipation for him.
"She likes me." The awe in his voice was sweet.
"Of course she likes you. You're very likeable, Nolan."
"Yeah, no, but I mean she likes me. We're...we're dating now. Can you believe it?"
Somehow, I could.
I listened through twenty minutes of his singing her praises, feeling pleased for him. Working with her might be what he'd signed up for—what they'd both agreed to—but I knew very well he'd wanted her for his mate for a long time now. Even when he didn't talk about her, his longing was obvious—at least to another wolf.
"How are things with you and Tomas?" he finally remembered to ask, making an effort to talk about something else. It didn't come easily.
"Good. Tomas is great. I'm dating Justin, by the way."
"You are?! Justin! Is it...is it good?" he said, sounding cautious all of a sudden. "You sound kinda sad."
"It's long distance. I miss him." I sighed.
He sighed, as well. "That would be murder."
"Yeah." I cleared my throat and made an effort to perk up. "Still, he'll be moving closer soon. He's working on it."
He'd promised. It was top of his to-do list—after solving his cold cases and quitting before they could fire him, if possible.
Justin and I talked every day for at least an hour on the phone or with Skype, plus texting. I still missed him so much that sometimes the whole world turned gray and it hurt to breathe.
I felt melodramatic and stupid, but really, wolves need to be near their mates. Especially for a new pairing, it's pretty painful to be apart. At least, it was painful for me. Justin was doing okay. He could still function, anyway. It wasn't just a mild preference for me; Justin had become necessary.
Tomas was covering for me the best he could, but he was getting worried, I could tell. He'd started getting on Justin's case about hurrying up with the move.
"But you are happy, when he's there?" said Nolan.
"Oh yes. Very. He's..." I lowered my voice. "I'm pretty sure he's my mate. I never want to be away from him. Of course I haven't said anything to him..."
"You should. If you're sure, maybe it'll help him make the jump."
"He's working on it," I mumbled. Really, I didn't think he was holding back. It was just complicated: finishing up his cold cases, finding a new job near me, organizing his move, and making time to talk to me every single day.
"No, I mean sometimes workplaces will be a little more lenient if mate bonds are involved. Government workplaces, I mean. I don't think anybody in the private sector cares. But a lot of precincts have made big changes. They've had to, if they want to work with wolves. I was studying up on it."
I clicked my tongue at him. "Look at you, boning up even after there aren't any more tests!"
"Don't say 'boning!'"
"Boning, boning, boning."
"Ugh. I'm going to hang up on you if you don't quit."
"I dare you," I teased back. "So are you and Cecelia...are you...you know?"
"Boning?" he said.
We both laughed then, the slightly giddy, out-of-control laughter of two guys who were soppy in love and couldn't keep it to themselves.
"Yeah, we...the sex is amazing. You don't even know. It's so much better than, well, any other, anything. I've been with...some great ladies...but nobody, nobody like my Cecelia."
"Believe me, I get it."
Not the being with other people thing, of course, but how impossibly wonderful it was to sleep with my mate. My Justin. "I'm nuts about Justin. Nobody could possibly smell as good, or...or be as good," I said, blushing.
I wasn't good at talking details, even with Nolan. Not that he actually wanted to hear, I'm sure.
"That's how it is with Cecelia. I hope she stays with me forever..." He sounded dreamy and soft-hearted.
"Nobody could leave you, Nolan. You're a great guy. Strong, protective, sweet-tempered, and loyal. You'd be a catch for anyone. Plus you're handsome."
He coughed. "I thought—at first I was afraid I'd be too big for her. But...it's fine. She likes me the way I am," he said, shy and proud.
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't stop grinning. "Please don't brag about how big you are, Nolan. It's not cool."
He laughed, self-conscious now. "Well, I was really worried."
"I'm glad it worked out." To be honest, it hadn't occurred to me to worry. Which was fine, since it hadn't been a problem. Justin wasn't obsessed with the size and girth of me (okay, maybe a little), but he hadn't had any faults to find.
I hesitated, wanting to know something more. Was this an appropriate question? Well, it was Nolan. I could ask him anything. "Do you think you'll have pups someday?"
"I don't know. We're both pretty focused on the job. She's never said anything about wanting pups. I know I'd love 'em if we had any, but I'm not sure if I really want to, either. We're both workaholics, and I don't know that either of us wants to change. What about you? Do you think you and Justin will adopt?"
It wasn't something I'd ever had to consider, before Justin. "I haven't even said the word mates to him yet. I don't know if he'll even want to get married, much less have children. He's pretty focused on his job."
Nolan snorted. "The guy was possessive before you even kissed him. I think he'll want to marry you."
Really? "I hope so." I hesitated, thinking for a moment. "I can sort of see him taking charge of a whole passel of kids. He'd be a good dad. Bossy, but good."
Nolan laughed. "So you are thinking about it. Good. You'll know what you want to do by the time it comes up, then."
"Don't say 'comes up,'" I teased.
He groan-laughed at me. "You're so sassy, Riley. When did you get so sassy?"
I didn't know. I kind of liked it.
We talked about work then, before circling back to mates, and happiness, and finally said goodbye to each other
. We would catch up again soon.
"I'll invite you to our wedding, when I can get her to agree to marry me," he said. "You invite me to yours, too."
"You've barely gotten her to date you. Don't go too fast!"
"I'll be a model of restraint. Keep Justin in line for me!"
I rolled my eyes, but promised I would.
TOMAS LAY STRETCHED out on the couch when I wandered into the living room. Justin had had to go, because he had a busy day tomorrow, and he couldn't stay up all night talking.
I'd wanted to beg him for just a few more minutes, but we'd already talked for nearly forty, and a man should have some self-respect. I just didn't manage it very well where Justin was concerned.
I sighed, moved Tomas's feet, and plopped down on the couch near him.
Without looking up from his book, Tommy asked, "Should I kick his ass for you?"
"What? No."
"So he didn't do anything?"
"I just miss him, that's all."
"You were on the phone for a while. Shouldn't you be happy now?"
"I guess that's the way it's supposed to work." I closed my eyes and leaned against Tomas. I didn't have any pride around him, either. He reached up and put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing distractedly. When he didn't say anything, I continued. "It's not the same as seeing him, you know? I can't put my arms around him, and I need to. So much."
"Hm." He turned a page, then, slowly, put his book down and looked at me. "So you really are just missing him, he's not doing a number on your head or something?"
"No, no." I shook the head under discussion quickly, and scooted a little closer so I could sit pressed up against his side. I couldn't bear to be alone right now.
Tomas looked thoughtful. He put the book face down on his lap and stared into space. "Maybe we can get him a job here," he said at last. "I hate to see you like this."
"What? Our precinct? Are they hiring?"
He smiled. "I like the way you said 'our.' Starting to feel like a cop, finally?"
I gave him a look. "Are they hiring?"
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