by Clare Lydon
Today, she was in the neighbourhood of Cake Heaven, visiting a baby shop she’d been recommended. She’d called to see if I could meet for lunch. As it happened, today I had a class-free day, so I could. Although as Gemma always joked, every day was class-free for us, to which I always rolled my eyes. If we moved our business, my teaching days would go up for a while, as we expanded our offerings and needed people to teach. But I wanted to transition to no teaching in the long run. My plan was to run the operation, leaving Gemma and our freelance team of bakers to do the teaching. Operations and business development was where I wanted to be.
When Kerry approached, I gave her the biggest hug I could muster over her bump, which was finally starting to show at nearly six months. Gemma and I had been over to Kerry’s house as much as she could fit us in since the funeral, and we were also in constant contact via WhatsApp.
“I’m not going to tell you how much bigger you are than two weeks ago, even though you are.” I gave her a wide grin. “How are things?”
She gave me a tired smile. Her skin was pale, and she didn’t look like she’d been sleeping. “The baby kicked last night for the first time, and I lay there, just willing James to be by my side.” She closed her eyes. She was trying not to cry.
I took her hand and squeezed it.
She squeezed right back. “But he’s not coming back, is he? Sometimes I forget and it totally knocks the wind from my sails.” She tensed, then exhaled. “I’m trying to grieve naturally, but not too much because I can’t upset the baby.” She shook her head. “Other than that, life’s ticking along. My family have been around making sure I don’t top myself, and James’s family are still stunned by the baby news.”
“How are they doing?” James had been an only child, and his parents were still raw with grief.
“His mum is ringing all the time, telling me to rest up. But we’re over the worrying period now, and I didn’t even know I was pregnant during the first three months. I reckon if this baby can survive his father dying and stay alive, he’s got a good chance of surviving the rest of the way, hasn’t he?” She cradled her belly with her left palm. “Doesn’t mean I’m not petrified. Can I do this without James by my side?”
I pulled her into another embrace, and her hair tickled my cheek. “You’ll do just fine. And you’re not on your own. You’ve got loads of support.”
We had a coffee before we hit the store, nattily named Baby Gaga. From the look on Kerry’s face, I could tell she wanted to buy the shop. She could certainly afford it. She’d already told me she wanted this baby to have it all. I imagined when he or she was born, they were going to get just that.
“Have you had the test, by the way? You keep saying he.”
She shook her head. “I’m not going to have it, but I just have a feeling in my gut it’s a mini-James. But if it’s not, that’s fine, too. I’m going to get gender-neutral gear anyway. Even if the baby is born one gender, it doesn’t mean they’re going to stay that way forever, does it? I’ve been in teaching long enough to know that.”
I smiled. “You are officially the most forward-thinking parent I’ve ever met. Promise me one thing, too. If it’s a girl, please don’t put a pink band on her head with a bow on it?”
Kerry let out a booming laugh. “If I ever do that, shoot me, okay?”
I threaded an arm through hers and we strolled down the aisles, taking in the abundance of stuff on offer. “Maybe I should branch out of cakes and go into maternity and kids’ stuff. Have you seen the price on this?” I was holding up a baby beanbag, price tag £69. I was sure you could get one down the market far cheaper.
“There’s tons of money in kids. Have you only just realised?”
We walked down another aisle, Kerry fondling a lemon and yellow blanket, which we decided was sufficiently gender-neutral. We were both also taken with a cuddly lion.
“If you buy it, don’t call it Lenny. Call it Lisa. Lisa The Lion is way better.”
Kerry grinned, picking Lisa up. “I can’t leave Lisa behind now, can I?” She paused, tucking Lisa under her arm. “You know who’s been brilliant since the funeral?”
I shook my head, picking up a pair of lemon booties with bright-red pom-poms on the back. When I saw they cost £45, I dropped them like they were burning my hand.
“Maddie.”
That made me turn my head. “Really?”
“Yes. She’s been driving over to see me, ringing me to see if I need anything. I never thought of all the people in my life, the one who rallied would be Maddie.”
“Life takes strange turns, as we know.”
Kerry shook her head. “I’m still mad at James for keeping secrets about her, but I’ve learned you’re not allowed to be mad at dead people. Once you die, you get some sort of saintly halo which means nobody can ever speak ill of you.”
“Is that right?”
“It is.” Kerry gulped and looked away.
Next to her head, a giant giraffe was lit up, with a sticker on its tummy that said ‘press me’. Kerry reached out and did just that. The giraffe began to sing, telling Kerry it loved her. In moments, her body was shaking from laughter, not tears.
“I should remember to come in here when I’m feeling low. Although once the baby’s born, that might make me cry a bit more.” She shook her head. “How the fuck did my life end up like this? Widowed and pregnant at 34. I’m like one of those stories you read in ‘That’s Life’ magazine.”
“Your hair’s much shinier than any of those women in that sad rag. Plus, you’re only knocked up with your husband’s child. Call that a scandal? They wouldn’t.”
Kerry put her arm around me and kissed my cheek. “I’ve missed you, let’s see more of each other.”
“Deal.” I glanced sideways. “Although it’s not for want of trying. Since the funeral, you’ve been booked more than the Rolling Stones.”
“I know. Blame my family. I love them, but it’s time to get back to normal life now. Well, as normal as things can ever be.”
We turned the next corner, and came across a huge range of babygrows, all with those twee catchphrases on. Kerry stopped at one that said ‘Mama ain’t raisin’ no fool’, with an illustration of a baby raisin on it. She took it off the peg. “My first babygrow purchase. A monumental moment.” She trailed off and I wondered if she was thinking of James. I was.
“Although it’s not the first baby thing I have. Maddie bought me a really cool Ramones babygrow, which I can’t wait to use.” She glanced at me to gauge my reaction. “Have you seen her at all?”
I cleared my throat, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks. “Yep, I’ve seen her. More than I thought. Would you believe she’s taking me to view a property tomorrow?”
Kerry’s eyebrows were so raised, I thought they might fly off her head.
“And yes, I know, this is a turn of events.”
“I’ll say. You wanted to kill her at James’s funeral.”
I sighed. “I did. But murder at a funeral is frowned upon. I’m not really one to shirk societal norms. Plus, James’s funeral reminded me that life’s short. If she’s back in our lives, I’d rather be civil to her. Especially as she’s proving useful.”
Kerry nodded. “And she seems genuinely sorry about the past.” Kerry grabbed a basket and sat Lisa The Lion in it, along with the babygrow. “She was very keen to point that out to me when I met her for lunch last week. I think that was more for your benefit than mine, but whatever. I appreciated the sentiment.”
“She said the same to me, but don’t get carried away. Even though I can’t help feeling things when I’m with her, I think it’s mainly nostalgia. No matter how great Maddie seems now, I still remember how I felt when she left last time, and I’m not putting myself in that position again.”
“I know.” Kerry gave me a smile, but I wasn’t quite sure what it said. Then she held up the babygrow in front of my face. “Yes or no on this?”
“You have my full blessing. And for Lisa.”
“Good.” She dropped the babygrow back in the basket, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. “But you know, if things change with you and Maddie, you won’t be losing face with your friends by giving it another go. Just in case you were wondering. We want you to be happy, and like you said, life is short.”
“It’s not happening. Why does everyone think that? My mum nearly had heart failure when I told her I’d seen Maddie. I make good decisions all the time in my life, I’m not suddenly just going to fold because Maddie has waltzed back into my life.”
“Maybe it’s because you two were more than just a couple. We all thought you were destined. You were good together.”
“Were being the operative word.” I sighed. “She changed that when she left, didn’t she?” I shook my head, my emotions swirling around me again. Whenever Maddie was brought into the conversation, it happened every time. “Anyway, let’s not tarnish Junior’s first purchase. Shall we pay and go for lunch?”
Kerry nodded, then walked towards the till.
Chapter 15
Maddie picked me up in her dirty white work van, which wasn’t what I’d expected. There was me thinking property developing was a glamour job, but Maddie laughed when I said that.
“Far from it. I tried having a cool car for a while, but you soon realise if you spend half your life on building sites and the other half in the Wickes car park, it’s a bit stupid to rock up in a car where you’re worried about the paint work. You’ve already seen my Mini, but my brother’s borrowing it at the moment. Sorry if this is a little downmarket for you.”
I brushed the seat, shaking my head as I got in. “It’s fine. What’s a bit of dust between friends?”
I glanced over at Maddie, who gave me a grin that made my stomach flip-flop. It took me right back to the summer of our final year, lying in the park, my head on Maddie’s taut stomach. Then, I’d have bet the house on us. Which just went to show what terrible judgement I had.
The intervening years flashed before my eyes. What the hell was I even doing in a car with this woman who’d ripped my heart out?
“Is that what we are? Friends?” My tone was acidic.
Maddie’s sure grin turned slightly less so. “I hope we’re that, at the very least.”
She slammed the driver’s door and started the engine. Her face went through a myriad of poses, before she arrived at the one she thought most appropriate for taking a drive with me, her ex-love.
She pulled out, careful not to glance my way, keeping her eyes on the road. There were so many questions I had wanted to ask since she strolled back into my life, but I didn’t know where to start. My heart raced and my throat was dry as we hurtled towards the city centre at a rate I was sure was faster than the speed limit. Still, I wasn’t going to point that out when I couldn’t even clear my throat or wrap my tongue around the basics of what I wanted to say. Like, why the hell did you really leave? It must have been more than fear of commitment?
We drove through the centre, past the waterfront, and past Wapping Wharf. I tensed as I looked towards The Spanish Station. When I glanced left, Maddie’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel, her gaze fixed straight ahead. I wasn’t sure what had gone on in five minutes, but this wasn’t what happened when you were just friends. I had enough of those relationships, I knew the drill. This tense static in the air, the type you could slice and toast, was very much relationship tension. Stuff gone unsaid tension. I found myself holding my breath.
Ten minutes later, we pulled up at the property in Archer Street. I’d never been more pleased to end a journey. I’d gone to speak a few times, and so had Maddie, but neither of us had broken the deadlock. Despite that, when Maddie stood next to me outside the building, my body prickled with heat. I wondered if she noticed too, as she took a step away as the property agent arrived. The woman had peroxide blonde hair and black-rimmed glasses with tailored black trousers and a white lacy top. She looked more suited to a fashion house than an estate agent, but it made a refreshing change from men with too much hair gel and bad ties.
“Great to see you, I’m Nora.”
We all shook hands, Nora’s handshake firmer than I expected.
“It’s so exciting that you’re both looking at this. What sort of business are you hoping to install here? Was it something to do with cakes? Because if that’s right, count me in. Everyone loves cake, don’t they?”
From the look on both our faces, you’d think the answer to that question was no. Nora frowned and cocked her head. “Did I get that wrong?”
I broke first. “No, I run a cake school. But it’s me and my business partner. Maddie’s a…” I couldn’t bring myself to fill in the blank. I cleared my throat. “She’s just helping me look for the ideal property.”
I put my head down and followed Nora through the door.
It was only when I was fully inside that I stopped and my jaw went slack. This place was incredible. Huge, with a massive wall of glass at the front that meant the light streamed in. Our business was selling a certain lifestyle, and this was it. I could already feel myself softening to Maddie. She might have been my downfall in the past, but she was doing a good job of being my saviour in the present.
According to its history, this space had gone through many iterations in the past few years, from a storehouse to an office and most recently, a restaurant. Hence why Maddie had picked it out. It already had the right services and potential for our food-based business. I could see us doing classes and workshops here. Plus, there was enough space for a bigger kitchen. More storage, more business, and it was large enough for growth, too. I already knew what Gemma would say. More importantly, if it stuck close to the guide price, we could afford it.
I glanced over at Nora, then at Maddie, who was giving me a look I couldn’t quite read.
“What do you think?” That was Nora. She was putting on her professional face, even though she was probably more than a little confused by the vibe coming from both of us. I knew I would be.
I gave her a nod. “It’s perfect. A lot of work, but perfect. I just need to get my business partner to come over and have a look, so maybe we can arrange that for another time. Also my brother, who’s a builder.”
“A very handy brother to have!” Nora said.
“He has his moments.” I paused. “What do you think?” I was talking to Maddie now. She was the expert, after all, the one who found this place. Whatever reaction I might be having to her presence, I valued her opinion on this.
“I think it could be ideal. The location’s great, too. But you’ve got to figure it out with Gemma. I know you’re the one who needs convincing.”
She was talking about the property, I was sure, but there was so much else that could have been read into it. I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, mentally checking what would need to be done. It was still so much, and such a massive proposition to move our operation, lock, stock and barrel.
When I looked up, Maddie was leaning on the kitchen doorframe, staring at me. “It’s a good option, Jus, and one you can afford. Think about it.”
I nodded. “I will.”
Maddie held my stare. “Give you a lift back?”
“How come your brother’s got your car?” Going to the property had at least given us both something to concentrate on that wasn’t the breakdown of our relationship all those years ago, and whether we could ever be friends again. Proper friends, not just superficial bullshit. We both settled into the van as Maddie adjusted her mirrors before starting the engine.
“He’s going through a tough time. He lost his job because of Brexit, and it meant he lost his car, too. My Mini only gets used at weekends or special occasions, so it’s a long-term loan. I told him to treat it like his first-born, and he gave me a weird look.” She grinned at me. “I’ve always been more into cars than him. I’d always wanted a Mini, and it was one of the first things I bought when I could afford it. If you’d asked me to give Harris my beloved car five years
ago, I’d have looked at you weirdly.” She shrugged. “But he needs it now, so it made sense.” She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. They were still long and slim, just like I remembered.
“Nice of you to do that, especially considering the up and down relationship you two had when we were together.”
“Harris and I see each other a bit more, now. Shame we didn’t do it earlier. Times change, people change.”
I wondered if that was true. “You know, when I saw you pull up in your Mini, I noticed your car first before I knew it was you. I thought it was a little try-hard, a bit boy-racer.”
Maddie pulled out onto the road. “That’s very gender-specific of you.” She kept her eyes focused on the traffic as she spoke. “Aren’t women allowed to have racer-type cars, too?” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“They are, and you’re right, it was very judgmental of me. Particularly when I’m not that different. As soon as I could afford it, I bought myself a green Golf, because that’s what I always wanted when I was younger. So I get it.” I rolled my neck as we approached Wapping Wharf. “Only I called my car Kermit. I bet you didn’t name yours.”
“Think again.” A smile spread across Maddie’s features.
“What’s it called?”
“Mavis.”
My laugh pierced the van’s air. “Perhaps we’re not so different at all.”
Maddie changed gear, then hung a left. “Maybe we’re not,” she replied, her voice low. “We always had a lot in common. It wasn’t just chemistry and sexual attraction. Although that was off the chart.” She glanced my way. “That much hasn’t changed.”
There was a fuzz in my head as I took in what she’d just said. But I couldn’t deny it. It was in every step we took, every look we exchanged. It was hovering in the car now, as Maddie turned into the wharf car park. She waited until she cut the engine before she turned to me. “I was thinking maybe we could have a drink at The Spanish Station? For old times’ sake. Plus, it’s a gorgeous day, it’d be a shame to just go home and not sit in the sunshine, wouldn’t it?”