by Clare Lydon
Danger rippled deliciously through me, stopping to inspect every hair on my body. I ignored it. Maddie was right. It was a gorgeous day and we should make the most of it. Plus, despite all signs earlier, I was enjoying being with her. Hadn’t Kerry told me the other day life was short? It was just a drink by the water, nothing more.
Although, if I was an undercover cop with a siren, I would have just taken it out and put it on my head.
Maddie’s gaze slid down my body like honey as I walked around the car, and my insides wobbled.
I took a deep breath and told myself the score. It was just a drink with an old friend who was helping me out. I owed her that much for finding this property. It wasn’t ours yet, but it might be. Maddie had done this for us, got us further than Gemma and I had done in a few months of looking.
But as we turned the corner and saw the bar, we both stopped in our tracks. Nothing had changed, and in that moment, it was like we’d time-travelled back to a more innocent time. Fairy lights were strung around the windows, currently off because the natural light was enough. Old barrels turned into tables sat outside with bar stools, and a chalkboard drilled into the bare brick wall told of the tapas on special tonight. The whitewashed walls were in need of a touch-up, and the striped awning had seen better days.
But all of that just added to the charm of the place. “You said earlier that things change. This place hasn’t.”
I glanced at Maddie, who turned to me. “Not one bit.” She smiled. “Shall we sit?”
I nodded and we claimed a table, a tense smile settling on my face. Was this asking for trouble? After all, today of all days had been very up and down with emotion. However, we were here now. I was going to have to let it ride out and see where we landed.
A server dressed casually in jeans and a white T-shirt took our order, and we relaxed, taking in the waterside view. It was just as I recalled: boats bobbing, and the bars on either side of the harbour doing a vibrant trade. This end was always less packed, which is why we’d loved it then. The Spanish Station had given us some privacy, had been an incubator for our love. I took a breath as our drinks arrived: Sauvignon Blanc for me, craft beer for Maddie. We chinked glasses, and held each other’s gaze.
I was glad I had my sunglasses on, as I feared my eyes would have given too much away. I wanted to turn the conversation onto safer topics than the past, but Maddie got there first.
“Did you know that Ally and Gemma are out on a date tonight, without Dean?”
I shook my head. They were? “I didn’t. She’s not said much about it, which isn’t like Gemma. I’m not sure what it means.”
“Probably that she likes her? I know Ally is very into her, because she keeps pumping me for info. But as I keep telling her, my knowledge of Gemma is very old, just like you really. I’d like to bring it up to speed, though. I hope I’ll get the chance.” She licked her lips as her gaze held me.
“I could say the same.” My throat was dry as I spoke, so I took a gulp of my wine. “You told me a bit about your brother, but that was it. How’s your mum?” I was curious to know. Maddie’s mum had always been so supportive of her and everything she did, and if meeting Maddie again meant I could see Diane, too, that was another plus point. Diane was a liberal through and through, and had coped with her husband drinking too much for years with good grace, before eventually throwing him out when she discovered a string of affairs. Her brother Amos had moved in after that, and the pair had proved a real double act.
Maddie shifted on her stool, clutching her bottle of beer so tight, her knuckles went white. She wouldn’t meet my gaze, before expelling a long breath.
This wasn’t good news, was it?
“She died two years ago. Lung cancer. Even though she never smoked a cigarette in her entire life.” She didn’t take her eyes off the water ahead. Her jaw tightened, her breathing hitched.
My heart cracked into thousand tiny pieces, like a delicate Christmas bauble that’s fallen from the tree. I reached out and put a hand on her thigh.
Maddie’s muscles flinched beneath my fingertips, then relaxed, her gaze whipping around to me, before turning away again. She put a hand to her brow and ground her teeth together.
“I’m so sorry about your mum. I always loved her. I was only thinking about her the other day.” Whatever was between us, I wouldn’t wish losing a parent onto anyone.
“She loved you, too.” Maddie glanced my way and gave me the saddest smile. “She was the best. It’s been a hard couple of years.” She was trying to control her breathing, but I could see she was struggling. “When she died, I used to come here. The first time I had since we broke up. It was comforting, somehow, I could sort of feel you, us. Mum really did love you, too.”
“Was Amos still living with her?”
She took a swig of her beer before she replied. “He was, and he’s been muddling on. But he’s not the same, none of us are. I’ve been staying with him for about half the week since I’ve been back, making sure he’s okay. It’s been good spending time with him, and something I should have done with Mum. Something I’ll always regret. I put work ahead of her, didn’t realise how sick she was.”
She exhaled. “And now Amos is ill, too. He was the main reason I wanted to move back this way because his health’s failing. He’s terminal, got bone cancer. Everybody’s getting older or dying.”
I clenched my calf muscles as I processed what Maddie had said. I still couldn’t believe Diane was dead. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. It sounds like a dreadful couple of years.” I paused. “So coming to James’s funeral must have been tough for you.”
She nodded ever so slowly. “You could say that. It was the first funeral I’d been to since Mum died. It was tougher for Kerry, though.” Her shoulders sagged. “It was so lovely meeting with James again, and I was planning to say hi to everyone eventually. But then he got sick and that took over. Sometimes, life spirals away from you, doesn’t it?”
“It does. Seems like a lot of things have changed since we were together. Not just us, but our whole lives, too.”
She nodded, before turning back to me. “But anyway, let’s not get all melancholy, not here. We’re both still very much alive.”
“True,” I said. “But you must miss your mum.”
She closed her eyes for a brief moment. “Like you wouldn’t believe. Not having her here is like a raw ache inside, gnawing away. Like knowing whatever you eat, you’re never going to be full. We didn’t live together or see each other all the time, but just knowing she was there was enough. There are so many things I want to tell her, so many things I wished I’d asked. But it’s too late.” She opened her eyes fully and turned to me, putting a hand on my wrist. “Don’t take your mum for granted, promise me?”
I shook my head. “I won’t.”
She ran the pad of her thumb over my wrist, and it felt so intimate.
I shivered, and when our gazes snagged, we both stilled. The conversation hadn’t gone where I’d expected, and neither had my emotions.
“It’s one of the reasons I’ve been going around to Kerry’s to offer support. Because I understand what she’s going through. I know it’s different – losing a partner as opposed to a parent – but grief is grief. I’ve worked through it, and I’m still going. If I can help her, I want to. Grief is just love with nowhere to go.”
That took my breath away. “Oh, Maddie.” Sadness reached in and grabbed me. I shook my head, running a hand up and down her arm. If we were surprised at the touching at first, we were clearly getting used to it fast.
A few beats went by before I spoke again.
“You know, when we first met again, I wanted to kill you.”
Maddie let out a snort of laughter. “That’s not what I expected you to say.”
“And you’re not what I expected you to be. You’re very different to the uncaring monster I’d built up in my mind. You’re very far from that, in fact.”
She smiled. “That’s a good thing, righ
t?”
“It is, but it’s confusing.”
She sighed. “I know we’ve got a lot to talk about, I know things are unfinished. I’d like to explain everything to you. I didn’t want to do it fully before because you were too angry, and I don’t blame you. But now…” She shrugged. “Maybe we could do it soon. Go out and I could talk about everything fully. Fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle.”
I nodded. “Maybe we could.” I held her stare. Saying that felt scary, but the only thing I could say. We needed to talk, to get everything out in the open.
“I know you don’t trust me, but I’m going to try to change that.”
I put a hand on her cheek and left it there. I was still winded by her news. “I’m so sorry about your mum. But she’d be proud of you for what you’re doing for Amos.”
Maddie dropped her head and leaned into my palm. “I hope so.”
Chapter 16
The next day, I was still winded by Maddie’s news. It’d been on my mind all the previous evening, and I’d half expected tears. They hadn’t come. I couldn’t quite believe Maddie’s mum was dead, and Amos was dying.
Overnight, my view of her had changed. I still didn’t know the whole story of why she’d left, but she was going to tell me. After that, I knew I might have a decision to make. But until then, I was going to avoid thinking about it too much. And what was the best way to avoid thinking about your own matters of the heart? Why, to focus on somebody else’s, of course.
I drove Gemma over to the potential property the following evening after classes finished. “A little bird told me you had a date last night.”
Gemma shook her head, but she wriggled in her seat. Busted.
“What?” I threw her a grin. “Since when did we get coy about what was happening in our dating lives? You’ve always told me before, but it seems when it comes to Ally, you’re being exactly that. You’ve been on two whole dates now, and you’ve been uncharacteristically silent. Which either means she’s a terrible kisser — but then, you went on a second date, so I’m counting that one out. The only other option left is that she’s stunned you into silence with her witty repartee and her amazing sex. I’m going for option two.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything that happens in my life.” Gemma stared intently at her phone, studiously ignoring me.
I pulled up at some lights and glanced over, to see she’d opened the Daily Mail website. “You shouldn’t be looking at that. It fuels their advertising and so their negative impact on the world.” It wasn’t the first time I’d pointed this out.
“Okay, Saint Justine. I’ll try not to look ever again,” Gemma replied, as she always did.
I nudged her with my elbow. “So tell me. Why so quiet?” The lights went green and I pulled away.
Gemma gave me a slow shrug, and then wriggled again. The amount of wriggling was not lost on me. “I dunno. It’s just, she’s… different. I don’t want to speak about anything too soon and jinx it, that’s all. But she’s gorgeous. Also, intelligent, hot, solvent. And she’s got the cool northern accent going on. You know how I love an accent.”
“I do.” Gemma had once gone out with a Geordie and when they’d split up, she’d saved a voicemail the woman had left her for over a year.
“Yeah, well… She’s kinda the full package, which is a bit scary. But we’re not putting any labels on it yet, it’s too soon. At the moment, it’s just an arrangement.”
I raised an eyebrow. “An arrangement? It sounds like you’re in a bad TV movie. Are you exclusive?”
Gemma sighed. “I think so. At least, I am.” Another sigh. “I do really like her, but I’m keeping this on the downlow for now. Plus, you’re in touch with Maddie, so that makes it even weirder. I mean, I’ve never started dating someone who’s best friends with someone you know so well. And anyway, we’re not dating, we’re seeing each other.”
I frowned. “And the difference is?”
Gemma huffed. “Shuddup.”
“I don’t even know Maddie that well anymore.”
Gemma gave me a look. “You kinda do. I mean, yes, I know you’ve only just reconnected, but you don’t forget everything that went before, do you? You haven’t seen each other for years, but you know the in-depth stuff about each other. Once you’ve done that with someone, it’s only a small step to get back there again. All of which means that telling you anything about Ally is odd. I don’t want things to get back to Maddie.”
I stared at her, not quite following her logic. “You’re giving Maddie and I way too much credit. You should have seen us yesterday in the car on the way over to Archer Street. The past was pressing down on us so hard, it was unbelievable. We still haven’t really talked, and until we do, we can’t move forward. So we’re not quite in the place you imagine. We’re not texting, meeting up for drinks, any of that. All Maddie and I are doing at the moment is dancing around each other.”
“Didn’t you go for a drink yesterday after you saw the place?”
I nodded. “We did, but that was the first time I felt a little… normal around her. And it was only for an hour.” I paused, pulling into Archer Street and thinking back to how awkward yesterday had been here. “But it was good to get that hour, I have to admit.”
“If it helps, Ally has nothing but good things to say about her.” Gemma paused. “Did you know one of the reasons Maddie came back was to look after her sick uncle?”
I nodded, doom slipping through me as I remembered Diane was dead. If it had the power to floor me, I couldn’t imagine what it did to Maddie. Every time something happened, did she reach for her phone to call her mum, and then stop? “She’s had a rough couple of years, what with her mum dying, too.”
“From everything Ally tells me, she hasn’t done much for herself over the past few years. She’s been there for her mum, her uncle and brother. So I don’t think you need to be so wary.”
I sighed. “Until we talk, nothing’s changed. And even then, I’m not sure anything can.” I rolled my neck from side to side. “Anyway, nice try on moving the chat away from Ally.”
Gemma grinned at me. “You’re not getting anything out of me yet. Let’s just say, I’m happy where things are. She’s a breath of fresh air.”
“Good.” I cut the engine, pulling on the handbrake outside the Archer St site. “This is it.”
Gemma whistled as she got out of Kermit, putting a hand up to her brow to shield it from the sun. She walked up and down the front of the building, peering inside, her nose against the glass. I hadn’t been able to get the agent to meet us tonight, so Gemma was going to have to rely on my running commentary and imagine what it felt like inside. She could still get a good idea of the space from the front, though. Plus, as she’d said on the drive over, why wouldn’t you spend all this money on something you’d never seen the inside of? Made perfect sense.
“This looks ideal.” She pulled her face away, wiping the tip of her nose as she did. “And if you and Maddie loved it inside, that’s good enough for me.” She stared at me. “You did love it, right?”
I nodded. “As much as I can love a project, yes. But Maddie thought it was great, and she had a lot of ideas of what we could do.” I pointed through the window. “Two workshops in the main space, big kitchen at the back and an office each. Or whatever we wanted.” I stood back. “But it’s big enough, the location’s great and we can afford it.”
Gemma gave me a decisive nod. “That’s what I was thinking.” She spun around. “I think this could be Cake Heaven, phase two.”
With Kerry’s money as our deposit, we had the mortgage secured in principle from the bank. Now the only thing standing in our way was a final decision to go for it. Then, of course, we had to win the property auction. But seeing Gemma’s reaction made up my mind 99 per cent.
“I think you might be right.” I sucked in a lungful of air through my teeth, my shoulders hunching as my muscles tightened. “Is this the right move?”
Gemma walked ove
r to me and put her hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know. But there’s only one way to find out.” She paused. “Are you telling me you’re almost convinced?”
I visualised our current location, all the hours we’d put in getting it perfect. Dean had made the space exactly what we wanted with worktops, offices and sockets where we needed them. He could do it again, I knew. So what was I scared of?
Our demand was already outstripping what we could do, so a move was the perfect solution. I peered through the glass again, before swivelling back to Gemma. “What if nobody likes it here, though? What if we can’t sell the classes?” Fear spilled out of me like a river.
Gemma squeezed me again. “You had the same fear when we stopped doing the classes at our flats and fitted out our current space. But it worked out, didn’t it? And you know what they say: everything you really want is just outside your comfort zone. If you’re scared, that’s a good thing. And you’re not alone, we’re in this together. I’ve got faith in our marketing skills — well, mine at least.” She gave me a grin. “And I’ll let you into a secret: I’m scared, too, but I’m also excited. They’re basically the same emotion.”
Excitement mixed with fear was what I felt with Maddie, who was definitely outside my comfort zone. But was she what I wanted? I still wasn’t sure. But Gemma wasn’t talking about Maddie. She was talking about what we could do to take our business to the next level.
Everything in life was a gamble. Nothing was set in stone. Our business gamble had paid off before, and there was no reason to think it wouldn’t again. Cake Heaven had been great so far: but could it be even greater? Like Gemma said, there was only one way to find out. I turned to her, giving what I hoped was a confident smile. “Let’s do it. Let’s go to the auction next week and bid. We’ll set a limit on the bidding, but I think we should try.”