by Clare Lydon
Gemma swept me up in her arms, squeezing me tight. “I say this is a monumental decision for Cake Heaven and one you won’t regret.” She squeezed one more time, before holding me at arm’s length. “You sure about this? Positive you want to do it?”
I nodded. “As positive as I can be.”
“Good enough for me.”
Chapter 17
My hand was sweaty around the white plastic paddle, inscribed with the number 435. Why was it everybody else looked far more at ease than I did? Beside me, Gemma was gripping my knee, checking the catalogue for our lot: we were still a few numbers off. We were lucky we were early in the bidding. If we’d have been lot 134 instead of lot 16, it would have been a very long day. On the other side of me, Maddie gave me encouraging smiles, in between chatting to Dean.
Dean was beyond excited because it had been announced at the beginning of the auction that ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ were here and filming. They told the auction crowd ahead of time in case there were people who didn’t want to be on camera. The look Dean had given me when they’d announced they were filming was priceless.
“Fucking hell, that is my absolute dream. So many of my mates have been on it, and I’ve always wanted to. Can you imagine someone not wanting to?” Dean clearly couldn’t. He’d grasped my arm. “If you get on, promise me I can come with you and be your builder friend.”
Dean could be weird, had I mentioned that? “No you can’t. You can come along and be my builder brother, because that’s what you are.”
He’d looked like I’d given him my last Rolo, and then pulled me into a bear hug. I hoped we got on, otherwise Dean would be crushed. But first, I had the small matter of bidding on the property, not spontaneously combusting, and somehow managing to win it. Piece of cake.
Dean leaned over Maddie and tapped my arm. “You want a coffee?”
I shook my head, my brow creased. I checked the catalogue: two lots away. I couldn’t multitask right now, what was he thinking? It was enough to raise a paddle in the air and spend more than I ever had done in my life. As every lot was announced, Gemma and I had been concentrated on staying very still, lest we buy a house by accident.
I’d watched my share of ‘Homes Under The Hammer’, and this space perfectly reflected what I’d seen there. A stuffy hotel function room filled with rows of padded chairs, cheap gold paint flaking off the legs. A jittery crowd waiting for their lot to come up. I’d only ever been in betting shops on Grand National day, but the auction house had an air of that about it. All the oxygen had been sucked from the air, and the experienced bidders stood at the back so they could see all the action. Maddie had insisted we sit near the back for that reason. “That way, we can see the enemy when your lot comes up.” We were going to war.
Dean got back to his seat just in time, giving me a thumbs up as our lot was announced. Gemma was wriggling in her seat beside me, the way she did whenever I mentioned Ally. I sat up, holding my breath. We’d decided beforehand that I was the more level-headed of the two of us, the one most likely to stick to our plans. Therefore, I had the bidding paddle. Now, I really wished it was Gemma. I bit down too hard in my mouth and tasted blood. I winced. Not a good start.
Beside me, Maddie grabbed my free hand and squeezed. I shook a little. She put her lips beside my ear. “You’ve got this,” she whispered, dropping my hand and giving me a wink.
I didn’t have time to process how that made me feel as the bidding got under way. All of sudden, my brain took over and I was engaged, sitting out the first few bids as Maddie had instructed, taking in the competition before entering the race. I really hoped we didn’t have a bidder who pushed the price up too much, but I’d know soon enough.
At Maddie’s prompt, I raised my paddle to enter the race, my hand clammy around it. We were off; as was my heartbeat. The auctioneer’s patter was lyrical, but all I heard was the bid level, slowly creeping up. I kept raising my paddle, but so did a man a few rows ahead. I took a deep breath. It was between the two of us.
In what seemed like a breathless wheeze of time, we were reaching the guide price. I clutched the paddle that little bit tighter. “This is getting a bit squeaky bum,” I hissed. Jesus, if I’d have known it was going to be this stressful, I’d have given the paddle to Maddie.
Beside me, Gemma’s knees were going up and down at a rate of knots, and my heart was racing so fast, it might need an emergency pit stop. We were now over the guide price by 20 grand, but the bid was with us. Our top level was 50 grand over.
Please stop, please stop. I craned my neck to try to give the balding rival bidder a death stare, but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were firmly planted to the front.
“What if he doesn’t stop bidding?” I asked Maddie.
She pulled her lips into a straight line and shook her head. “Just concentrate on what you’re doing, don’t worry about anyone else.” She sounded like my mum when I was stressing about my exams.
I huffed, but did as I was told. Thirty grand over now. Shit, were we about to be outbid? From not wanting the space, I’d now come full circle, where it was fully mine. If somebody else snatched it from my grasp, I’d be distraught.
Then suddenly, the other bidder stopped. My heart thundered in my ears.
He dropped his paddle and shook his head.
I sat up straighter like a meerkat, facing the auctioneer full on. He was pointing at me with one hand, a mallet raised in the other.
“With you madam,” he told me. “Anybody else, last bids? Anyone got a few more grand burning a hole in their pocket?”
I wanted to clock him over the head with his own mallet. Stop encouraging them! Breathe, breathe. How did Maddie do this all the time? I feared I might die of heart failure.
“Going once, going twice…” Why did the silence seem to stretch on for days? “Sold!” The sound of wood on wood signalled the property was ours, and then I was engulfed in a flurry of hugs from all sides.
“We did it!” That was Gemma’s voice, emerging from the impromptu pile-on. “Cake Heaven is go!”
She was right. We’d done it. For as long as I lived, I hoped I never had to go to an auction again. My nerves were shredded. I untangled myself and we all filed out, grins wide, adrenaline at peak.
It wasn’t until I got out of the main room and into the corridor that I flung my arms in the air like I was in the final scenes of a redemption movie. “Aaaaah!” I yelped. “We only went and fucking did it! We bought a new premises.” I frowned. “We have to come up with a new word. Premises is rubbish.”
Dean put an arm around me and ruffled my hair. I hated him. He knew that annoyed me.
“Do that again and you’re not coming on ‘Homes Under The Hammer’.”
His face fell. “You wouldn’t.” But I could tell by the quiver in his voice he wasn’t sure.
I couldn’t stop my smile. “Don’t test me.” I blew out a long breath and balled my fists, before clearing my throat and standing up straight. I had a lot of pent-up energy I needed to expel. “Right, let’s go sort the paperwork out, and then we’re going for a glass of wine. After that, I deserve it.”
We got a seat in the Watchmaker’s Arms over the road from the auction house. I was surprised Dean was still in one piece and hadn’t combusted over the table. After Gemma and I had signed the documents and dealt with the admin, the team from ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ had approached us and asked about our time scales, and whether they could follow our journey. So now it was official: we were going to be TV stars.
“A toast.” Dean held up his glass. “To Maddie. For coming back into my sister’s life, suggesting going to an auction, giving me work and ultimately making my ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ dreams come true. You’re an absolute legend in my eyes, even though Justine might think otherwise.”
Gemma made a sound like a donkey. I sat, mouth open, staring first at Dean, then at Maddie. Had he really said that? Like he was 12 and didn’t understand the complexity of human relations
hips at all? Perhaps he didn’t. Perhaps that’s why he was single. It would explain a great deal.
“Thanks, Dean.” I was pleased to see Maddie didn’t quite know how to take that, either. “Glad your dreams are coming true. Let’s hope it follows through with everyone here, shall we?” When she spoke, she didn’t take her eyes from me, before holding up her glass again, and waiting until we all followed suit. “To the continued success of Cake Heaven. And to all our dreams coming true, whatever they may be.”
I gulped as she spoke. I was sure there were lines to read between, but I was leaving them well alone.
Chapter 18
Kerry turned up at Rob’s bakery for lunch looking like Kerry, but also seven months pregnant. I’d last seen her three weeks ago, and in that time, she’d swelled up and looked like she had a bowling ball under her jumper. I was about to tell her exactly that when Kerry held up a hand, her fair curls newly cut. She didn’t look like a pregnant widow. She looked stunning.
“If you tell me I’ve swollen up and look like I’m about to drop any minute, I might punch you. Fair warning.”
I kept my mouth tight shut. “The thought never even crossed my mind.”
“Good.” Kerry pulled out a chair and sat down, groaning as she did. “I hope Rob’s got that lovely quiche he makes today, otherwise there might be hell to pay. My hormones are all over the shop. Anything sets me off, not just stuff to do with James. In fact, if anything, I prefer it when it’s down to James. At least my husband dying is a valid thing to cry about. But crying about them not having any oat milk in the Co-Op? That was a bit much. I think the assistant thought I was barking mad.”
I laughed. “Or perhaps really in love with oat milk.”
Kerry rubbed her stomach, staring at it for a moment, before looking up. She’d zoned out for a moment, but was now back in the room. “Good to see you. You’re looking…” She paused and looked me up and down, as if assessing me for sale. “You’re looking like someone who’s about to do big things. Am I right?”
I gave her a grin. “Gemma said she called you.”
Kerry nodded. “Congratulations. Glad to see my money being spent so quickly. How are you feeling?”
“Scared shitless, but also pretty happy. This feels like a monumental shift. And can I say again, we couldn’t have done this without you? Without your investment, none of this would be possible.”
Kerry waved a hand. “I’m a business woman, and investing in you two was a no-brainer. I know I’ll get my money back. I believe in you, so be happy.”
I smiled at her. “I’m glad you do, because sometimes, I’m not sure I believe in myself.” I paused. “I mean, when it comes to the business, I totally do. But for everything else? It’s not quite as straight forward.”
“I assume this is to do with Maddie?”
I nodded. “Have you seen her lately?”
Kerry adjusted her posture before she replied. “Yup. She came over the other week and brought me dinner.”
Now I felt bad. “Did she?”
“Stopped and picked it up on the way around. She pulled up in her van, which made me laugh. Somehow, I’ve always seen Maddie as a high-powered exec, but the reality is very different. Plus, she turned up wearing a toolbelt. I told her if she was going for the ultimate lesbian look, she was scoring high, but I wasn’t her ideal audience. She blushed. It was kinda cute.”
Every word in Kerry’s sentence crawled down my body, and settled somewhere around my navel, which was now softly pulsing. I really hoped I wasn’t blushing, too. The thought of Maddie in a toolbelt sent shockwaves through my system. The thought of Maddie in a toolbelt with nothing else on at all.
Hang on, I was thinking thoughts of Maddie naked when I was with my straight, widowed, pregnant friend? I was truly going to hell.
“Have you seen her in a toolbelt? I know having her back in your life must be all kinds of confusing, but at least if you saw that, it’d remind you why. Because she’s bloody gorgeous. I always thought she looked quite feminine when she was younger, but I think this job of hers means she gets to unleash her more butch side.”
Kerry snorted. “Mind you, I think living without a man means you can unleash your butch side whether you like it or not. I never realised how gender-based James and I were in what we did around the house, but we were. I don’t think I’ve cut the grass since we moved in. I’ve certainly never changed a fuse or a light bulb, or done any of those supposedly ‘boy’ jobs. Which is shit for a modern woman like me, isn’t it? I mean, I used to do them, but as the years have gone on, something changed.”
I laughed. “So that’s a positive about James dying? You remembered how to change a light bulb?”
“Something like that.” She sighed. “I fucking miss him, though. I miss him here.” She covered her heart with her fist. “Sometimes I lie in bed in the morning, and I try to conjure up his voice or the sound of his footsteps on the stairs. Some days I can, and some days I can’t, and that really freaks me out. I’m glad I’ve got videos of him on my phone for when I’m ready to hear his voice, but I think it might crush me.”
I leaned over and covered her hand in mine. “You’re doing amazingly well, but you’re not going to get over this in a flash. This is something that’s going to take a long time, so you need to accept that.”
“I have.” She sighed. “But sometimes, I want to rewind and have one last week with him. Just to tell him all my thoughts, all my fears, all my dreams. To make sure he knew how much I loved him.” She closed her eyes. When she reopened them, they were glistening. “Do you think he knew how much I loved him? Because sometimes, I wonder. Did I tell him enough? Those final weeks are a blur.”
My heart broke for her. I couldn’t imagine what it had been like for Kerry — or what it was like for her now. I was on my feet and putting my arms around her before I had a chance to think, kissing her cheek, pulling her close. When I pulled away, Kerry shook her head and reached into her bag to pull out a pack of tissues. She blew her nose to get rid of her excess snot. I wiped her tears from my cheek as I sat down, swallowing down all my emotion.
I still hadn’t shed a tear for James. Had Kerry noticed I had a heart of stone? If she had, she’d said nothing. I still felt like a total shit. Why couldn’t I cry? What emotional valve had Maddie removed when she’d left me all those years ago and made me cry until there were no more tears? Perhaps I needed to Google it. Google normally knew the answers.
Or perhaps Maddie knew the answers. Perhaps I really did need to talk to her properly, to get over whatever angst was still in me, as evidenced in the car the other day. Maybe if I talked to Maddie properly, it would unlock something. Perhaps. For now, Maddie wasn’t my prime worry. Kerry was. Kerry, and everything she needed. I should be taking dinners over to Kerry more often. Especially if Maddie was doing it.
“Do you still love Maddie?”
Wow, that question came out of the blue. “No, of course I don’t. And even if I did, it’s irrelevant, I told you that.”
She stared at me for a long moment before replying. “Take a look at me, Justine. A long, hard look. And when you’re finished, remember what I was crying about. In my heart, I think James knew I loved him, but I don’t think he truly knew how much. Because nobody ever can, can they?
“The only person who knows how much love is inside them is you. Because it’s your love. I know I keep saying life is short, but it is. And if you’ve got any love inside you for Maddie — no matter what size it is — you owe it to yourself to talk to her, see what she has to say. She told me you’ve been avoiding her since the auction.”
I hunched over. “I’m still not sure of myself around her, that’s all.”
“You should be. She told me some things the other night that explained why she did what she did. It wasn’t the smartest decision she’s ever made, but at least it explains it. And I know she still has love for you.”
“She told you why she left?” That made me sit up. It was also a p
unch to the gut.
Kerry nodded. “She’s been coming over to get me to talk about my grief. We’ve talked about her mum, too, as well as a bit about her last decade.”
“Why hasn’t she told me?”
“She’s scared. Plus, she’s not sure you’ll even listen to her. But I think you should. The person you fell in love with is still there, and she wants you back in her life.”
“She told you that?” My heart thundered in my chest.
“She didn’t have to, it was written all over her face. So what I’m saying is this.” She paused. “I’d give everything I own — all of it — to have one more chance with James. Life is just a string of relationships with people you love. Friends and family truly are all that matters.
“So if Maddie is one of those important people for you, at least listen to what she’s got to say. You’ve been given another chance to connect, and who knows where it might lead? Make my dreams come true and do it for me, even if not for you. And, if in the end, you don’t like what you hear, you can blame me. But I’ve spent time with Maddie, and I think there’s something there for you. But only you know how much love you still have for her.”
I was pondering my response when Rob walked over, flashing us both a smile. “Ladies. What would you like?”
That was the burning question, wasn’t it?
Chapter 19
A week later, after the schools went back and summer was having its final September splurge, we signed the papers and picked up the keys. Stepping into the space as owners made it all the more real, so much so that Gemma and I laughed when it happened. But then we’d hugged. This truly was a momentous occasion.
Maddie drove over to pick me up later that day.
I’d decided to let her in.
She was in her dusty van again, even though I’d tried to tell her I would drive. She’d insisted she was passing my way anyhow, and that we could head back to Bath for a picnic in the early evening sunshine. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was a date. Was it a date? I honestly didn’t know.