by Clare Lydon
“I don’t either.” She bruised my mouth with another scorching kiss, before pulling back, eyeing me. “But that was Ally, and we’ve had a disaster at the Bath site. The upstairs neighbour’s ceiling has collapsed, and there’s been a huge leak.” She paused. “We can only hope the wall’s collapsed, too, to get around the planning issues.” A wry smile. “So I have to go, and I’ve never been sorrier. This was incredible, just so you’re in no doubt.” She lifted my fingers to her mouth and kissed them. “I hope we can pick this up again very soon?”
I gazed up at her, caught in her trap. “I hope so, too,” I whispered, before kissing her lips again. “Message me, okay?”
Maddie gave me one last kiss, before walking through to the main space.
I followed her, and watched as she gathered up her keys and her bag.
“You need a lift back?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I told Gemma I’d measure up for a few things and I haven’t done it yet. I’ve been somewhat distracted.”
Maddie’s mouth quirked at that.
“Plus, the walk will do me good. Lots to process — in the business and otherwise.”
She nodded. “There is.” A pause. “But I’ll speak to you soon, I promise.”
I gave her a grin, trying not to think about Maddie’s promises to me before, promises that had never come true.
Chapter 25
The next day, I had a family Sunday planned: lunch with my parents, brother, and grandad. The house looked gorgeous as I approached, its front garden filled with yellow and pink roses. I swung open the white wooden gate and headed down the side of the house to the back door, as always.
Mum gave me a hug as I swept into the kitchen, and I wondered if she could tell. If she knew that I’d let Maddie in yesterday. Truly let Maddie in. Had I done the right thing? As soon as I’d stepped out the door of the new Cake Heaven, the make-believe land I’d constructed had imploded, and then it was just me. Feeling as naked as I had when I was stood inside, with Maddie’s tongue in my mouth, her fingers buried inside me.
My vision wobbled as I recalled it all, and my clit twitched. She was too good, that was the problem. We were too good. The connection we’d always had was still there.
Last night, Maddie had sent a text telling me she had to stick around the flat to get the repairs done; it was worse than she’d anticipated. She also had to spend time with Amos, who was having a bad weekend. She couldn’t see me today, but had said she’d call later. It wasn’t a signpost to our future, but at least she’d texted. For now, it was enough.
“Cup of tea?” Mum was already putting the kettle on as she asked, and I nodded. I could really do with something stronger, but it seemed a little churlish to ask before lunch. I knew the face Mum would pull.
“That’d be great.” I sat at her kitchen table and stared out into the garden, which was a similar size to Kerry’s garden. That instantly took me back to where Maddie and I had our first chat after the funeral. The chat where the walls had come down a little, and the keys to our world, the one we’d once inhabited, had been dangled in front of my eyes. What had she said then? That she’d got cold feet? It was more than that I now knew. But if she’d done it once, was she capable of doing it again?
Whatever, I couldn’t get Maddie out of my head. She was like a recurring soundtrack, stuck on repeat. The feel of her. The taste of her. Yesterday afternoon, while brief, had been the next tantalising glimpse into what might be, and I wanted to see more.
“Dean was around here last night waxing on about the TV and telling us he’s going to be a star. Is it true or is he making it all up?” Mum sat opposite me at the dining table, wearing a smile that told me she already knew the answer.
“Let’s just say he’s a better builder than TV star.”
She gave me a smile. “He’s good at that — you’ve seen our extension.” My parents had a side extension done a few years ago, all by Dean’s fair hands. It was still standing. We were still impressed.
“Where’s Dad and Granddad? I don’t hear the TV.”
“Dad’s down the pub — a football thing. He took Granddad with him, although Granddad wasn’t happy about it. Claims he can’t hear what people are saying. But he could do with getting out of the house, so your dad insisted.”
I smiled. “Is Dean down there, too?”
“I think so.” Mum tilted her head. “He was also telling us about Gemma and Maddie, and how much Maddie’s helped you out with getting the new building.” She paused. “You never really mentioned it before.”
I shrugged like it meant nothing. But even as I did, I knew Mum would see through it. She’d known me all my life, and seen all my previous highs and lows, after all. So, I decided to dip my toe in the Maddie water, just to test her reaction.
“I know what you think about her, and you’re right. She did leave me and I am being careful around her.” I swallowed down my lies to see how they tasted. Palatable. “But when it comes to our business and helping us find a new place, she’s been invaluable. I was resistant at first, but we’ve spent time together since and talked about the past.”
Mum gave me her measured face, the one that said as far as Maddie was concerned, she wasn’t yet in or out. She was still considering. “Dean said she knew what she was doing. Whatever happens, I don’t want both of my children falling in love with her again, because that’s what happened last time. I hoped it would end well for at least you back then, but it didn’t. I don’t want her coming in again, ruffling feathers and leaving.”
I rolled my tongue over my bottom teeth. “She didn’t ruffle feathers. We were together for nearly four years.”
“I know that. But she still ruffled feathers all the same. And that was me being nice, by the way.”
I turned my gaze to the floor, before bringing it back up to Mum. I didn’t blame her for being sceptical. Why wouldn’t she be? “She seems different this time. Or at least, back to how she used to be. She’s helping Kerry with the soon-to-be-baby, she’s looking after her uncle, and more importantly, she explained things to me. Why she left.”
“And did she say why she came back? That’s my worry. Not just to fill your head with ideas again?”
I shook my head. “Business, but also family. She’s caring for her sick uncle and working here. She hadn’t even planned to get back in touch with me, but James dying threw us together.”
Mum said nothing for a few moments. “Just be careful. I can hear it in your voice there’s more to this than you’re saying.” She locked my gaze with hers and I could feel my cheeks heating. “I don’t know if anything’s gone on already, and I don’t want to know.” She put a hand on my arm. “You’re still my little girl. I don’t want you to be hurt again.”
“I know that. But I’m also a grown woman and you’re going to have to trust me on this. Whatever I decide.”
Of all the people I had to tell, it was Mum I was most hesitant about. Which is why I didn’t want to spill anything before I knew what was going on with Maddie. I didn’t need her judgement. My own judge and jury were already the harshest people I knew.
“I trust you. It’s her I’m still wary of.” She squeezed my arm. “But we’re your family and we’re right behind you whatever you do, you know that.”
“Even if it involves Maddie?”
Mum’s mouth twitched, before she nodded her head. “Yes, if she’s who you choose, then even her.”
“Good.” I put a hand on Mum’s arm. “I can’t predict the future, but it might involve her. And if it does, you might be seeing her again. Her mum died a couple of years ago, and her uncle’s terminal. She might need some familial steadiness in her life soon.”
Mum was about to reply when Dean walked in, followed by Dad and Granddad.
“Well if it isn’t my favourite granddaughter come to see me!” Granddad came over and hugged me, the smell of beer wafting from him. He seemed to be shrinking every time I saw him, and he was getting thinner, too. Mum had said h
e’d started to lose his appetite, apparently something that happened as you aged. His blue eyes were still radiant, though, surrounded by bunches of soft wrinkles.
“Hello, Granddad. How was the pub?”
“Noisy.” He took his jacket off slowly, and took it out to the hallway to hang it up.
Dad came over and gave me a hug. “Hello, love. Dean’s been telling us both my children are TV stars. I can’t wait to see it.”
I gave Dean a look. He was shameless.
Chapter 26
Monday morning and I was back teaching a three-day class I’d taught dozens of times. For that, I was grateful. My teaching was on auto-pilot as I went through the motions of how to make decorative flowers for the top of your cakes, and how to ice a cake with ultra-precision. By the end of the day, every one of the ten students would have something they were proud of and amazed by, even if they’d doubted themselves at the start. Learning to decorate cakes was like learning any new skill: just keep going, keep trying and eventually you’d get there.
Was that the case with Maddie, too?
I’d got home the night before around eight, and settled down with a glass of wine to watch the Sunday night film: ‘Notting Hill’. If I was feeling discombobulated with Maddie back in my life, it was nothing that a glass of Malbec and a dose of Julia Roberts couldn’t cure. I’d often thought they should put films like ‘Notting Hill’ on prescription for illnesses, both mental and physical. Feeling down? Watch a rom-com. Broken your leg? Watch a rom-com. They might not mend bones, but they did wonders for your mood.
I’d put my phone on charge in my bedroom so I wouldn’t be tempted to check it all night long. When I retrieved it, there’d been nothing. She hadn’t called and she hadn’t messaged. I wasn’t asking for much: just a text. Sure, Maddie’s emotions were being split in all different directions: business, family, me. I got that. But didn’t I warrant a single message?
It was the complete opposite in my heart. Where Maddie was concerned, I’d turned my emotions off at the mains all those years ago, and then ignored them for years. But now she was back, I’d turned the switch again, and they were all surging in one direction. It didn’t feel like they were being reciprocated.
I knew it wasn’t like last time, that we were both in different places. I knew Maddie had a lot to deal with. But it didn’t stop it from feeling exactly the same. Like time had stood still, and Maddie was always going to let me down, and go radio silent.
“Justine?”
Resha, a student, had one arm raised and a frown on her face. I walked over to where she was having issues curling the delicate petals of her icing rose. She hadn’t cut into the initial shape enough, so she didn’t have enough flexibility in the petal now. Cake decorating was all about laying the groundwork and getting every step right from the beginning.
It was hard not to let my mind wander to Maddie when it was conjuring thoughts like that. I’d done the right thing with her, or so I’d thought. I’d kept my distance, let her back in gradually, even sorted out the past. So why did I feel so naked in the present? Why did I feel like Resha’s rose petal? Like something was off, the measurements not quite right?
Hours later I saw my class off, and started the big clear-up with Amisha. I’d drunk too much coffee and was jittery, which was doing nothing for my mood. I should be kinder to myself. Gemma had phoned to say she was coming over to take me for a coffee after work, which was weird for a Monday. Amisha was whistling an off-key tune, and I needed a moment to myself. I slipped into the loo and locked the door.
It was all going to work out, I had to believe that.
However, as I sat, I heard a splash. I stood up and saw my phone had fallen from my back pocket into the water, sat at the bottom of the bowl. So now, even if I wanted to will Maddie to text me, it was never going to work. As I fished my phone out, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. That just about summed up my luck since Saturday. Hot sex, followed by a single text, then the cold fingers of doubt.
How I hated the cold fingers of doubt.
They were able to grip me like no other.
I walked out into the main space, where Gemma was leaning against a workbench, chatting to Amisha. When she saw me, she gave me a grin.
“There you are. We thought you’d fallen down the loo.”
I held up my phone. “I didn’t, but my phone did.”
Gemma gave a snort. “Was it in your back pocket again?”
I nodded. “Now even if Maddie is trying to text me, I won’t know. Which about completes my transformation back to the stuttering idiot of ten years ago.”
Gemma walked over and put her arm around my shoulders. “I believe we’ve had this conversation before, and the answer to that is not quite.” She paused. “And even if you were, you’re far better dressed than back then. Remember that time when you thought dungarees needed to make a comeback?”
I stuck my tongue out, smiling despite myself. Gemma could always make me smile.
She glanced around the workspace. “Another successful batch of clients learned how to make flowers again today?” The students had left their floral creations on the metal shelving to the left of the door. Tomorrow, we’d make the cakes they were going to adorn, and on the last day, they’d ice and decorate them to perfection.
I nodded. “Nobody died, and we achieved peak floral decorative heights, didn’t we?” That last bit was directed at Amisha, who nodded.
“We couldn’t have got any higher,” she replied, before disappearing into the back office with some paperwork. I don’t know what we did to deserve Amisha, but I thanked my lucky stars for her every day.
I looked up at Gemma, who had her concerned face on. “Are you okay? I know this weekend has thrown you. It’s zigged and then it’s zagged.”
“You mean having sex with my ex and then her disappearing again? That’s a whole lot of zigging, right there.”
Gemma held up her phone. “I just had a text from Ally.”
“Great. She’s texting you, but Maddie is ignoring me.”
“They’re still both at the other property that’s having issues – the one Dean’s working on -- and their Bath flat sounds like a nightmare. They had to wait for someone from National Heritage or whatever it’s called today. Sounds like a right pain in the arse.” Gemma paused. “Has she been ignoring you completely? No texts at all?”
I shook my head. “She sent one on Saturday, but nothing since.”
Gemma sighed. “She might be trying to text your dead phone now. Cut her some slack. She only ran off because there was an emergency. Plus, she’s dealing with her uncle.”
I harrumphed. “I’ll try. It’s just pressing a few buttons for me. Ones I’d thought were dead and buried.”
Gemma put a hand out and touched my arm. “It’s a different time and you’re both different people. Just try to remember that, okay? In the meantime, I’ll text Ally and let her know. Maddie can communicate through me. Now, are you coming for a coffee?”
Chapter 27
Gemma left soon after buying me a coffee. I decided to stay back and sort through the mountain of paperwork that needed to be trimmed before we moved. If I was going to be miserable, I may as well put it to good use.
It was gone 8:00 pm when I heard a banging on the door outside. We’d had issues with drunk passers-by getting lairy with our front glass, trying to lick the cakes through it. This was a little early for that. Plus, it normally happened on a weekend, not Monday night.
I sighed, the tweak in my groin reminding me of the sex I’d had two days ago. Sex that was probably never going to happen again, despite Maddie’s words. As I opened my office door and walked into the main space, I wondered if we had any wine in the office fridge. Wine was called for tonight.
But that thought fled my mind as soon as I glanced up and saw who was making the noise and banging on the glass in the now-dark evening.
Maddie.
When our gazes locked, she gave me a tired smile and po
inted at the door handle.
In my excitement to open it, I cracked my hip on a workbench, and staggered the last few metres to the door, opening it with a grimace.
“Hi.” All the speeches I’d semi-started in my head disappeared when I breathed in her aroma. Eau de Maddie. They should bottle it and sell it to me, their audience of one.
She wasted no time sliding inside, closing the door and pulling out a stool, before sitting me on it. “Are you okay? That look like it hurt.”
“Because it did.” I lit up inside. She was concerned about me. All was not lost.
“Sorry to be the cause of your hurt.” When she said those words, her gaze was on me, soft and true. “And I’m sorry for going silent since Saturday. It wasn’t my intention. But I figured I should tell you that in person.” She took my hands in hers, stepping forward before kissing them. “I’m still here, in case you were wondering. Just drowning in a sea of rubble and family illness.”
The feel of her lips on my skin took away any pain. That was all I needed. A reconnection. A sign this was going the right way. I was glad Maddie had realised that.
I brought my gaze to her face. “I had been wondering. You fuck me, then you leave. It was a little familiar.”
She winced. “I know, and I’m sorry. But with the roof, then the other property, and Amos on top, I’ve struggled to catch my breath. And then I was texting you to see if you were free, but Ally told me you lost your phone.”
I gave her a sad smile. “I dropped it down the loo. Kinda sums up my day.”
She stepped forward, her arms snaking around me. “I hope me turning up has made your day better.”
“Infinitely.”
Her lips met mine, writing me an instant apology. Her warmth enveloped me, tumbled down me till I was lost in it. The pain in my hip was a long distant memory. The pain in my groin, however, was reignited. I smiled into Maddie’s lips.