Singathology

by Gwee Li Sui

  阿公，你怎么还放不下？一间沙厘屋值多少钱？我们这间组屋十 多年前买的时候才12万，现在可以卖32万，整整赚20万！

  祖:

  20万，换得回脚下红泥土，周围处处椰林的感觉吗！

  弟:

  我们家在十二楼，看出去是组屋、组屋上面有蓝天白云，组屋下 面是……停车场。

  祖:

  你说，我这二十多年来放下了吗？我在大厅挂一幅画，蓝天白 云，处处椰林。我放下了，知道吗？我把那块368号的门牌收在 橱里，这门牌有我和你奶奶生活在一起的回忆，有你爸爸小时 候的回忆，你们能有感觉吗？

  父:

  爸，我有感觉就够了，也不必勉强你的孙子有感觉，是吗？他们 生活在经济起飞以后的新加坡，一出世，看到的是一片繁荣景 象，我们过去在甘榜的生活，现在要拍电影电视，搭假的布景， 怎么看都不像。回不去了，爸。

  祖:

  我不是要回去住甘榜，我是觉得我们没有了甘榜，也还可以保持 住甘榜的时候那种亲密的关系啊。一家人亲密，和邻居亲密，整 个村子的关系都是亲密的。

  父:

  爸，坦白说，这种关系，也找不回来了。我们楼下有乐龄中心，你 去那里和老人家下下棋，聊聊新明、晚报那些八卦新闻，解解 闷。

  姐:

  阿公，你虽然少出门，但是你可以从网络上看到很多外面的世 界，还可以看到我们的朋友，我们的邻居家里发生的事。以前你 住在甘榜，能看到这些吗？[开电脑，看 Facebook. 天幕上映出影 像。] 这是住大牌88的邻居，May，她的全家……

  祖:

  啊，阿胖嫂，很久不见了，怎么胖得像个水桶！

  姐:

  我再给你看，以前跟你住在樟宜甘榜的那位老伯伯，这是他们 的全家福。

  祖:

  啊，这是“豆沙饼”？

  弟:

  豆沙饼？

  祖:

  以前我们住在甘榜，他在村口摆摊卖豆沙饼，他的脸扁扁的，长 得像豆沙饼，所以大家都叫他豆沙饼。你的电脑里怎么会有豆沙 饼家人的照片？

  姐:

  他的孙子是我大学的同学，叫 Johnny 。

  祖:

  做泥？[潮州话：做什么？]有人叫“做泥”的吗？

  弟:

  Johnny, 读准一点。

  姐:

  [指其中一人] 这就是 Johnny, 你说他长得帅吗？

  祖:

  帅！他是你的男朋友吗？

  弟:

  姐姐不喜欢男的朋友！

  祖:

  啊？

  姐:

  不要刺激阿公！——他故意气你的。

  祖:

  “豆沙饼”抱着的这个女人是他的女儿吗？

  姐:

  Johnny 好像没有妹妹啊？我问问。[打电话，用英语和 Johnny 谈话] 这个女的是他爸爸再娶的老婆。

  祖:

  啊，[再看电脑]，什么时候娶的？

  姐:

  [电话问] 去年。

  祖:

  去年？“豆沙饼“比我小两岁，去年，73岁，再娶？这个老婆几岁？

  姐:

  [姐在电话问] 37.

  祖:

  啊！73娶37！[恍惚]相差40岁，这像话吗？

  兄:

  这有什么不像话的呢？

  祖:

  他为什么没有告诉我，几十年老朋友了。

  姐:

  这照片是前几天才放上网的，也许是来不及告诉你吧。

  祖:

  放上网，全世界都知道，只有我这个老朋友不知道！

  弟:

  因为你没有 Facebook!

  兄:

  阿公，他告诉你，你会怎样？

  祖:

  我会问他：这样做合适吗？他要怎样向别人介绍他老婆？走在 路上，别人还以为是他女儿！

  兄:

  阿公，他怎么介绍是他的事，关你什么事呢？

  父:

  [大声] 不要刺激阿公！

  兄:

  爸，你别冲动，我很冷静。跟老人家就是要摆事实，讲道理。阿 公，年龄不是距离，双方真诚相爱最重要。比如我和阿公虽然年 龄相差半个世纪，有代沟，但是代沟不是死水沟，能交流就能沟 通。

  父:

  讲重点！

  兄:

  阿公，我的意思是说，你要尊重“豆沙饼”的选择。他的太太去 世20多年，他找到第二春，我们该祝福他才是。阿公，奶奶也离 开十多年了，其实，如果有合适的，你也可以找第二春……

  父:

  不要刺激阿公！

  弟:

  什么是“第二春”？

  祖:

  去，没你的事！

  姐:

  高级华文！

  兄:

  阿公，这个世界上，很多观念都在改变中，不能把自己封闭起 来。

  姐姐打开 YouTube, 社交网站上有老少配的图片，大家笑成一团。

  祖:

  你们要害死我！[笑到快呛住了。]

  父:

  叫你们不要刺激阿公！

  众人动作静止，表情各异，有如电影定格。

  Old Man on the Net: A Comedy

  BY HAN LAO DA

  Translated by Jeremy Tiang

  GRANDFATHER, aged over seventy

  FATHER, aged over fifty

  OLDER SON, aged twenty-six

  DAUGHTER, aged twenty-one

  YOUNGER SON, aged thirteen

  Singapore, in the present. An ordinary family’s living room. FATHER is reading a newspaper, and OLDER SON is on his computer. GRANDFATHER enters.

  GRANDFATHER [looking at his son and the newspaper, then at his grandson and the computer]: How come we subscribe to Zaobao, but you also read Wanbao and Sin Ming? Do you have money to burn?

  FATHER: There’s a promotion for Wanbao and Sin Ming now. Two for one dollar.

  GRANDFATHER: Really? That’s cheap.

  FATHER: The promotion will end soon.

  GRANDFATHER [taking one of the newspapers]: Any big news?

  FATHER: For big news you must read the morning paper. These two are for entertainment.

  OLDER SON: Even more exciting, you should go online and chat. Ah Gong,1 want to see?

  FATHER: You want Ah Gong to go online? He doesn’t even know how to turn on the computer.

  GRANDFATHER: Why do I need to know that? If you turn it on for me, isn’t that the same thing?

  OLDER SON: Ah Gong, if you really want to have a look, I’ll find some Chinese websites for you.

  GRANDFATHER: Even if I haven’t been online, I already know that it’s full of people farting nonsense.

  FATHER: Ha ha, Dad, you’re really keeping up with the times! You even know that people go online to fart nonsense.

  GRANDFATHER: Even before we had the internet, there were already people who talked nonsense. That has nothing to do with the net. Remember the newspaper headline last week, on Page One, very eye-catching: “Woman’s Naked Body Found in Kallang River!” Those two words “Naked Body” will get a lot of people talking, and, in all that talk, there’s bound to be a lot of nonsense.

  FATHER: I saw that article. The body was female, all decomposed and stinking. No head, no hands.

  GRANDFATHER: You should hear what the old men are saying in the coffee shop. This one said, The whole body is rotten, what does it matter if she’s naked or not? That one said, Why is there no head? She must have been killed by someone she knew, and they’re afraid the police will find them. Then another one said, The murderer is afraid the police will uncover her identity from her fingerprints. But then wh
y cut off both hands? You only use one hand to give your fingerprints.

  YOUNGER SON AND DAUGHTER [having heard part of this conversation before entering]: Wow, a murder case? Who murdered who?

  GRANDFATHER: You see? People want to know about this sort of thing.

  OLDER SON [looking at the screen]: I’ve seen some discussion online… “Police have classified the headless corpse case as murder.”

  FATHER: Let’s have a look at what netizens are saying.

  OLDER SON: Here’s one with an active imagination. “The murderer must be a foreigner because a local would know that the police only take fingerprints from the right hand. He cut off both hands, so we can see he’s not familiar with how we do things in Singapore.” The next one is even worse. “If it’s not a foreign worker, who else could it be?”

  FATHER: That’s nonsense! As if a foreign worker wouldn’t know that – every country in the world only takes fingerprints from the right hand!

  GRANDFATHER: Dragging in the foreign workers again!

  OLDER SON: Don’t you remember what happened in Little India? All that trouble caused by foreign workers – actually, no, caused by alcohol. Hundreds of people watched the rioters hit the police cars and ambulance and then overturn a police car, set the ambulance on fire. Some people gathered to heckle them, some just watched. And you know what netizens had to say about that?

  GRANDFATHER: What did they say?

  OLDER SON: It’s in English, I’ll translate. “After the riots in Little India, Little Bangkok at Golden Mile Complex is sure to copy them. The Filipino and Indonesian maids at Lucky Plaza on Orchard Road will start robbing shops, and the Vietnamese girls on Joo Chiat Road will roam around threatening people…”

  YOUNGER SON: Dad, luckily our maid is from Myanmar.

  FATHER: Ask your mum to start treating her better, just in case.

  DAUGHTER: We don’t even let her go out on Sunday.

  YOUNGER SON: It’d be safer for everyone if all the maids in Singapore were locked up at home.

  OLDER SON: Are you treating them like criminals? You’ve been infected by the internet.

  DAUGHTER: I’ve already told you – don’t just copy what other people are saying.

  OLDER SON: Here’s a really bad one. “One riot in forty years is too seldom. The best thing would be if they riot every year, then our police will be in better shape, not like this time. They ran away even faster than the people they should be catching.”

  GRANDFATHER: That’s nonsense. Talking like that will destroy the reputation of the police. If this was still the time of Lee Kuan Yew, that fellow would definitely be taken to court and sued until he’s bankrupt.

  OLDER SON: Ah Gong, it doesn’t matter who’s the Prime Minister, extreme words are always harmful to the nation, and the police can take action. The problem is, these are just words on the internet, and no one knows who said them.

  GRANDFATHER: Can’t the police find out?

  FATHER: Those talking rubbish on the internet are rubbish people. As if rubbish people would use their real names.

  OLDER SON: I forgot who said this: on the internet, nobody knows if you’re a dog.

  GRANDFATHER: Fortunately, I’ve never been on the web and also can’t read English. Otherwise, I’m sure I’d be so angry that I’d have died by now.

  DAUGHTER: Actually, Ah Gong, there are also a lot of good opinions on the internet. Some websites are more responsible, and I’ve read more sensible suggestions. For example: “Why not allow the foreign workers to have different days off, so they don’t always have to gather at the weekend? That way, there’ll be foreign workers drinking every day in Little India, and every day will be like Deepavali.”

  YOUNGER SON: Then I can go online and make a suggestion too: “Between the crowds of Indian people and the traffic, the street was so crowded that the riot van couldn’t drive in when it was needed. The police should have arrived in a helicopter, setting off flares in mid-air and using a horn to warn everyone to disperse. Then the riot squad could come down from the helicopter and start arresting people.”

  GRANDFATHER: You’re crazy. The roads in Little India are so narrow, where would the helicopter go? Everyone would think the police got drunk and went to the wrong place!

  DAUGHTER: In the end, it’s still the fault of alcohol!

  Everyone bursts out laughing.

  FATHER: Dad, the Chinese websites also have a lot of discussions you won’t see in the newspapers. Would you like to have a look?

  GRANDFATHER: No way. I have high blood pressure and pressure in my eyes too and also cataracts.

  OLDER SON: This is the internet era. We’re all online now, no one can escape.

  GRANDFATHER: I’m not online.

  DAUGHTER: If you don’t go online yourself, other people will drag you online.

  GRANDFATHER: If I don’t go online, how will they drag me there?

  YOUNGER SON: Ah Gong, you’re already online, didn’t know?

  GRANDFATHER: Huh? On what line?

  YOUNGER SON: Sis, show Ah Gong your Facebook page.

  DAUGHTER: Ah Gong, our family photos are up on Facebook. All my friends have seen them.

  GRANDFATHER: What book?

  DAUGHTER: Facebook. In Chinese it’s called lianshu or mianshu, mianpu, mianbu, mee po.

  GRANDFATHER: Even mee po – like Hokkien mee! Is there bee hoon?

  YOUNGER SON: Sis, open Facebook and let Ah Gong see.

  The daughter opens the browser. The screen is filled with a series of family photos. Everyone responds individually.

  GRANDFATHER: What’s this? I’m playing mahjong? When was this taken? [On the screen is a series of pictures of the GRANDFATHER playing mahjong, finally collapsing into a single picture.]

  DAUGHTER: I took it with my handphone when I saw you had such a good hand – you’re just waiting to “game”!

  GRANDFATHER: I said you could watch me playing mahjong, I never said you could take my picture. You’re invading my privacy by putting that photo online without permission. Look, I’m wearing a singlet, what kind of image does that project?

  FATHER: What kind of joke is this?

  GRANDFATHER: Oh please, there’s even a hole in my singlet! People will think I’m stingy or too poor to buy a new one.

  YOUNGER SON: Ah Gong, you’re not poor, but you are very stingy.

  FATHER: Show some respect. Your Ah Gong is thrifty! Thrift is a kind of virtue!

  GRANDFATHER [downcast]: I want you to take it down.

  DAUGHTER: Ah Gong, don’t be like that. My friends all like that photo. Those who play mahjong say it’s rare to already have such a good hand at the start of the round – you see, there are hardly any discarded tiles, and you’re already about to “game”.

  YOUNGER SON: See, Ah Gong, you have more than three hundred likes.

  GRANDFATHER: What are likes?

  YOUNGER SON: That means people saw the picture, liked it, admired it, approved of it – so they clicked “like”.

  GRANDFATHER: So that means more than 300 people saw me play mahjong wearing a torn singlet!

  The three grandchildren try to defend themselves.

  GRANDFATHER: Stop talking, just delete it.

  FATHER: All right, all right, just do what Ah Gong wants. He has high blood pressure. It’s not good for him to get agitated.

  OLDER SON: Ah Gong, you don’t have to take it so seriously. It’s a different era now. You should be more open-minded.

  GRANDFATHER: Right, a different era. The way you think and behave is very different from back in the day. But, no matter how long ago it was, some values will never change. For example, thrift is a virtue, but you call it stinginess. Is being stingy a virtue? That makes no sense! For decades now, I’ve worn torn singlets at home, but when I go out with you, I wear nice clothes and look respectable. Who could guess that my singlet is torn?

  DAUGHTER: Right, we should respect our elders’ habits. But Ah Gong, you aren’t asking us to wear torn singlets too, ar
e you?

  GRANDFATHER: Would you dare to wear it if I gave you one? Everyone reminds me all day long that I’m from the “pioneer generation”. You should respect the “pioneer generation”, no matter what singlet I’m wearing.

  GRANDCHILDREN: That’s right!

  GRANDFATHER: What’s the use of shouting “That’s right” so loudly? You have to put it into action.

  GRANDCHILDREN: That’s right!

  GRANDFATHER: First, delete that photo from Facebook.

  GRANDCHILDREN [reluctantly]: Right!

  YOUNGER SON: Sis, if Ah Gong doesn’t like to appear online, we should probably delete his YouTube video.

  GRANDFATHER: What? What’s this tube? What tube?

  OLDER SON: YouTube is an international site for watching videos. You can film something on your phone and upload it, and thousands or tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of people might watch it.

  GRANDFATHER: How dare you. What thing of mine did you “you too” onto the web?

  YOUNGER SON: Not “you too”, YouTube! Sis, open YouTube. Ah Gong, you should know, if someone’s holding their phone and taking a picture, they could actually be taking a video to upload onto YouTube for the whole world to see.

  GRANDFATHER: Stop talking rubbish. Just tell me what you loaded up.

  YOUNGER SON: I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d scold me. Sis, show Ah Gong the video.

  DAUGHTER: I’ve found it. Look.

  An expensive car is parked illegally, blocking a bus. A pedestrian sees it and calls other passers-by to come help lift the car and move it to one side so that the bus can get by. Other pedestrians applaud them.

  GRANDFATHER: Wow, even this kind of thing can get online?