by Elia Winters
“I’m sad we have to go back today.” Geoff hated the end of this weekend, hated it more for the way this thing between the three of them would have to end now. Provincetown was a blissful escape from whatever else the world had in store for them. Going home didn’t usually feel this painful.
“You won’t be happy to go back to your own bed?” Patrick asked.
Geoff took a bite of his sandwich, chewed and swallowed. “I guess.” He looked out at the rain.
“You ever think about moving?” Patrick asked.
“What, like to Provincetown?” Geoff shook his head. “We’d never be able to afford it.”
Patrick frowned, but didn’t comment.
Geoff took another bite of sandwich. “Thank you for breakfast. This is delicious.”
Patrick looked over at Lori, still asleep. “I should wake her up. She’ll want a hot sandwich.”
Geoff watched as Patrick climbed into bed with Lori, carefully easing himself down behind her. He kissed her cheek, like this was the most natural, intimate connection, and Geoff didn’t feel sad or lost or lonely at all. This was right, somehow. How could something this complicated be right? And after today, it would end, and he couldn’t pretend to play house anymore.
Lori took half of an egg sandwich and almost a full cup of coffee to wake all the way up enough to speak, and then it was to thank Patrick for going out in the rain for breakfast. She was adorable like this, even morning-grumpy and barely verbal, and Geoff couldn’t keep from sneaking glances at her as she ate.
“Seriously, though.” She gestured to the glass doors. “What is this shit? And why would you go out in it?”
“I like the rain,” Patrick said. “Geoff does too. He goes running in the rain all the time.”
“You’re both ridiculous.” She unfolded the foil from more of her sandwich and took another bite. “Not looking forward to heading back to reality today.” Almost as an afterthought, she added, “I’ve got an interview in New York this week.”
Geoff paused, and then realized he was frozen and forced himself to take a sip of coffee. “One of the organizations you applied to?”
“My first choice.” She wasn’t making eye contact with them, looking instead out the windows at the rain. “It’s still a long shot. I don’t know. But I guess it’s progress.”
“Good for you,” Patrick said, with the same cheerful tone he used when he was trying to persuade Geoff to snap out of some funk. “That’s exciting.”
Exciting, really? Geoff tried to read if Patrick meant it, but he seemed so sincere. Of course, he’s sincere. Geoff chided his inner voice. Patrick was happy for Lori, and Geoff should be too.
“Yeah,” Geoff echoed. “It’s what you want, right?”
“I think so.” She finished her sandwich, and they all sat in silence for a few minutes.
I think so, she’d said. Not yes, definitely, but I think so. Geoff shouldn’t be happy about the spark of hope blossoming in his chest at that. Hope for what? There was nothing to hope for.
Lori finished her sandwich and stood up immediately, tossing the foil into the trash. “My stuff is everywhere. If we’re going to check out of here by noon, I have to start packing.” She hauled her suitcase out of the corner. “Packing’s the worst, isn’t it? All these signs that things are ending.”
Geoff had nothing to add to that, so he gave her a few words of agreement, and grabbed his clothes to go get dressed where he wouldn’t have to watch her pack and wouldn’t have to avoid Patrick’s too-sympathetic eyes.
20
Lori sat on one of the benches in Bryant Park, the sun filtering through the shade trees overhead and dappling her legs and the sidewalk in mottled patterns. Today was beautiful. It was the perfect day, as far as New York perfect days went: warm but not hot, with a light breeze that felt more like a Mapleton spring than being in the heart of the city. To her left, the back of the New York Public Library rose up against the blue sky. She was going to read so many books here. No matter how stressed she got, she could soothe herself in a library. After she moved, she was going to find the best nooks in the NYPL to sit and read. When she was reading, she wouldn’t be lonely.
She had been putting off this phone call for a while, but she shouldn’t put it off any longer. She pushed the name on her contacts list and the ringer echoed in her ear.
“Lori?”
“Hi, Ma.” Something eased out of Lori at her mom’s voice, warm and gentle and so close in her ear. “How are you?”
“Oh, you know. The usual. Damn Beverly used up all the data on the shared plan because she forgot to turn on Wi-Fi watching her shows, and she’s being stubborn about paying for it. Irene keeps leaving her bras hanging up in the shower even though all of us have to use it, and I’m tired of moving her lacy bits around…”
Lori smiled at her mom’s rant about the three “aunts,” closing her eyes for a moment so she could pretend her mom was next to her on this bench, bitching about the women she loved and lived with. Women who had become her mom’s family. Women who had cared for her and supported her beyond the way any individual relationship would. Lori made appropriate noises of surprise, disgust, and approval at the right pauses in the story, and waited for her mom to wind down.
“And what about you? It’s been a long time, Lori. I was starting to think you’d never call.”
“It’s been barely a week, and you can call me too, you know.”
Her mom made a “tsk” noise. “What’s the news? What are the updates?”
“Ma, can I ask you something?” Lori hadn’t meant to ask, and the question just slipped out.
“Of course, honey, you can ask me anything. Are you all right?” Suddenly, her mom was all concern. “Do you need help?”
“No, I’m fine, I’m fine. I just…” Shit, she hadn’t really conceived of how to phrase this question. “You know about my dissertation and my research. You know all the things I’ve been studying all these years.”
A long pause. “Of course, I do, hon.”
This was difficult to talk about. They never brought it up, the hidden secret that she knew without anyone addressing. “How’d you make it work, all these years? With…my aunts.”
“Why are you asking this now? You’re done your research. Thought you’d bring it up back when you were first studying all this, but you’ve got your degree, and now you’re asking?”
Her mom didn’t sound angry, just confused, and Lori didn’t want to get too deep into it. She played with the hem of her dress, rubbing the lacy edge between her fingers. “I didn’t want to pry. But now…it’s something I’ve been wondering.”
Her mom sighed. Lori could picture her sighing, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose with one finger, giving a long-suffering look to the heavens. “They’re family, Lori, as much as you and your brother. I don’t know how we make it work. We just do. We love each other, and we sacrifice for each other, and we support each other. And when I want someone to turn to, one of them is here for me. And I’m here for them. That’s what a relationship is. It’s what a marriage should be. Just because we’re not like other families, doesn’t mean it’s not real.”
Lori let out a breath. “Do you think it’s ridiculous, getting involved with more than one person?”
“Lori, baby, do you want to give me some specifics, or are we just going to live in this land of hypotheticals?”
She should have known she couldn’t keep dancing around the actual facts forever without being called on it. “I’m trying to make some decisions. I’m not ready to talk about all of it yet. But I promise, when I do, I’ll let you know.”
“All right, all right. Anything you can tell me at all?”
“I’m in New York right now. They offered me the job.”
“What?” Her mom’s exclamation, loud and surprised, made Lori pull the phone away from her ear. “You bury news like that, asking all this cryptic shit? Honey, that’s incredible! Good for you. You must be so excited.”
“I am. I am. It’s just…it’s big. I’d be moving, uprooting everything. I guess I’m a little nervous.” She hated admitting it out loud. “I’ve been chasing this down for so long, it feels strange to be hesitant about it.”
Another pause at the other end of the line. “You’re worried about leaving some people behind?”
That was one way of putting it. “Yeah.”
“Does leaving mean leaving them for good? Distance doesn’t mean endings, you know. Distance might just mean a challenge.”
Lori had thought about that, about what her life might look like if she tried to keep this going from New York. It wasn’t across the globe, after all. When she pictured Geoff and Patrick together at home, though, and her living hours away, it seemed like endless heartache.
“I don’t want to do a distance thing.”
“These people you’re worried about leaving behind, how do they feel about you going?”
This was getting into a dangerous borderline of specificity. “I think they probably want me to stay.”
“Yup, sounds about right.” Her mom sighed. “Sweetheart, I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re grown. But you know I’ll support you no matter what. Whatever you decide, I’m here. I’ve made some decisions in my lifetime that other people didn’t agree with, and I know what it’s like. Sometimes there’s no good choice.”
“Thanks.” Even those words made her feel a little better.
“Did you accept the job yet?”
“I told them I need to think about it. There’s a lot to figure out. Even if I take it, I’ll need time to pack, to find an apartment, to actually move…” She trailed off. Even if I take it. It wasn’t a done deal. She could just walk away from this and stay in Mapleton. Sure, it wasn’t her dream, but it wasn’t terrible.
Were Geoff and Patrick enough to override the baseline of “not terrible”?
“Keep me up to date, all right?” her mom asked. “I want to be in the loop.”
“I’ll keep you in the loop.” Lori smiled. “Promise.”
Geoff hadn’t been the same since they got back from Provincetown last weekend, and even if Patrick hadn’t been able to tell by his general mopey demeanor, tonight’s dinner at the Mapleton Pub was enough to signal it loud and clear.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” Geoff asked, again, like he hadn’t asked it twice before during this very same dinner.
“It is.” Patrick smiled. “Are you having a nice time too?”
“I am.” Geoff nodded, then paused. “Did I already say all this?”
“Twice.”
Geoff sighed, noisy and dramatic, the way he could be sometimes that still made Patrick smile with fondness. “I don’t know where my mind is tonight. I’m all over the place.”
“It’s summer vacation, Geoff. Maybe you’re just struggling to transition into it.” They both knew that wasn’t the reason, but Patrick didn’t need to make Geoff confront any of his feelings tonight. He would do it enough on his own, given the time.
Geoff, though, wasn’t having it, and he adjusted his glasses with a frown. “Patrick, I have a PhD in two things: African history and your bullshit. Please don’t patronize me.”
Patrick ducked his head. “Sorry. I didn’t want you to have to go through your feelings right now.”
“It’s silly, right?” Geoff set his knife and fork down. “I’m so happy with the two of us. Why do I keep missing Lori?”
“It’s okay to miss Lori. I miss her too.” They all knew her putting some distance between them was healthy, especially after Provincetown, but that didn’t mean he particularly liked it. And Geoff was broadcasting his dislike loudly enough that she could probably hear it. “But this gives us some time to focus on us. And that’s probably good.”
“I guess so.” Geoff took a drink of water, then a much larger drink of beer. “I read the books she loaned me, and I know all about new relationship energy and that sort of thing. I know these confusing feelings are normal. But they suck.”
Patrick laughed. He couldn’t help it; Geoff didn’t usually use imprecise words like that. Geoff knew he wasn’t being laughed at, and he smiled in response as well. Patrick reached across the table and took Geoff’s free hand. “I agree. But can we just focus on us for now? You and me. We’re still at the core of this.” That center relationship was his rock.
“You’ve still got your gig tomorrow night, right?” Geoff asked. “I’m looking forward to it.”
“Yeah. I’m glad you’re coming.” Patrick’s mood turned a degree south. He wished Geoff hadn’t brought up the band. The band made him think of music, made him think of New York, made him think of Lori. He changed the subject. “What’s on tap for you next week?”
Geoff stared off into the middle distance, thinking. “I haven’t scheduled anything, honestly.”
“No summer plans? Geoff, that’s not like you.” Patrick kept his tone light, teasing, but this was very out of character for Geoff, who liked to have multiple irons in the fire at any given time.
“I know. I thought I might do some research, try to get something out for peer review before the fall semester starts. But nothing else has really been calling me lately. I need…a new challenge.” Geoff seemed to want to say something else, his mouth opening, but he closed it just as fast, and Patrick didn’t push.
“New game?” He hadn’t seen Geoff playing anything lately.
“Maybe. There’s tons of stuff out now, plus the Steam Summer Sale. Maybe I’ll pick up something new.” Geoff reached for his beer glass, paused, and then held it up. “But for now, it’s us. And that’s nice. Right?”
Patrick clinked his beer glass with Geoff’s. “Of course.”
Nine Possum Thursday’s set was nearly half over before Geoff spotted Lori in the crowd. There were so many people here, and his eyes were mostly focused on Patrick, as usual, but Lori’s electric energy caught his attention at some point, and then he couldn’t look away. She’d come to watch Patrick play. She really did like his music, or she liked him; Geoff wasn’t sure which it was and also didn’t know that it mattered. And she must have known that Geoff would be here too, but she hadn’t come over to him. So Geoff let her have her space.
Near the end of the set, though, a warm hand pressed against his arm, and he turned to look right into her dark, sparkling eyes. “Hi.” Her smile seemed reserved.
“Hi,” he replied.
He hadn’t seen her all week, and their texts had been pretty sparse as well. He knew she had gone to New York for the interview, but he hadn’t asked how it went and she hadn’t told.
He looked over to where she’d been standing. “I saw you over there a little while ago. Figured you might want your space.”
She shrugged. “I thought so too, but it turns out I don’t. Want to dance?”
Maybe they should talk, but he didn’t want to, so he simply nodded and took her in his arms as the next song began. He could get absorbed in this kind of movement, whirling around, dipping her and spinning her out on his arm. Laughter bubbled up naturally, and some of the tensions inside him dissolved away. He hadn’t realized he’d been carrying those tensions this week.
The band switched to a slower ballad. Lori moved into his arms without hesitation, taking his hand in hers. He wrapped one arm around her waist to hold her close against him. Maddy was singing something about a sailor lost, but Geoff wasn’t listening. The scent of Lori’s hair filled his nose, the softness of her breasts against his chest, the heat of her wherever they touched. It had only been days, but he missed this. Oh, how he missed this.
She tipped her head back to look at him, and he didn’t think, didn’t hesitate; he leaned down and kissed her.
Fuck, the taste of her. His hand tightened on hers, reflexively, and the fingernails on her other hand pressed sharp points into his shoulder blade. Her lips parted beneath his, softening, and his tongue swept against hers. It was as if they were alone in this room. No one else existed be
yond this kiss, this moment, this driving need that swelled up in his blood and consumed him. The need to fuck her, yes, but something more, something deep and profound, a yearning that scared the shit out of him.
He pulled away, tearing his lips from hers, and the effort hurt. “Stay.” He spoke before he could think not to.
Her eyes closed, and she exhaled slowly, shakily before opening them again. “I care about you.” He read the words on her lips, even though she was speaking so quietly, he could barely hear her over the music. Then she stepped back, glancing once at the stage where Patrick was still playing. Her hand fell from Geoff’s grip. “I shouldn’t have come,” she said, louder this time. “It’s too soon.” And she turned and shoved through the crowd toward the door.
Geoff inhaled, exhaled, and there wasn’t enough air in this room. It was too tight, too warm, too close. The song ended, people had begun to clap, and the band took up an encore. This song was a raucous, rowdy folk tune that half the room seemed to know the words to, but Geoff didn’t hear anything beyond the low, echoing beat of his heart.
After the show, the lights came up and the people filtered out, and Geoff found Patrick in the green room packing up with the band. Whatever look Geoff was giving, it had Patrick setting his things down immediately to lead Geoff out back into the alley behind the venue, the door slamming shut behind them.
“Hey.” Patrick touched Geoff’s shoulders. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
Geoff nodded, even though his blood was thrumming with heat and need and frustration.
“Really?”
Geoff paused, stopped nodding, and shook his head. “I’m not—I need something. I need you.” He dragged Patrick in, pulling him in for a kiss, harsh and scorching and with too much teeth. Patrick was here, he was solid, he wasn’t leaving, and Geoff could use this to forget.
Patrick kissed him back, rough and hungry, and Geoff spun him around and slammed him up against the brick wall. He needed, and he wanted to take.