by Elia Winters
“Easy.” Patrick put his hands on Geoff’s chest, steadying him, breaking their kiss. In the dim light filtering over the fence into their alleyway, his eyes were wide. “Take it easy. I’m here.” He licked his lips, already plump and soft from their kisses. “Is this about Lori? I saw you two together.”
Patrick’s tone wasn’t accusing, but Geoff’s stab of guilt made him pause, loosening his grip on the lapels of Patrick’s shirt. He had kissed her without Patrick. And even though they’d said it was fine, even though Patrick had kissed her before, this was a first for him, and he was all mixed up in so many ways.
“It’s okay,” Patrick said. “I don’t mind. How was she? Is she all right? We haven’t—”
“It’s out of hand.” Geoff shook his head. “I asked her to stay. I want her to stay.”
Patrick tipped his head, expression going soft. “Oh, hon.”
“I know,” Geoff cut him off. “I know she’s not going to stay. I know I need some space from her, for a while. I feel…lost, and shaken, and I don’t like this, Patrick. I need—” What? What did he need? He’d come here to find Patrick, to get this grounding.
“You need to forget for a little while?” Patrick asked, his voice soft. He was pressed up against this brick wall, his face all angles and shadows, and Geoff was still holding his lapels. When Geoff didn’t answer, Patrick grabbed him behind the neck and pulled him in for another harsh, brutal kiss.
Geoff needed this, and he stepped in to press Patrick more aggressively into the wall, crushing him against it. He was hard, so hard, and it didn’t make sense for him to be so fucking turned on, confused and lost and wanting more than he could have. But Patrick was right there, sweetly yielding.
Patrick touched Geoff’s cock through his jeans, and Geoff jumped and pulled back. “What?” he mouthed, looking around them at the deserted alley, realizing again where they were and what they were doing.
Patrick palmed his length, gripping him through the fabric, and Geoff closed his eyes. “I can’t do that,” Geoff said, even though he wanted so much to keep going. “I can’t use you like that. I love you.”
“Shh.” Patrick tugged open Geoff’s button-fly jeans, buttons sliding free one by one. “Put me on my knees, sweetheart.”
Patrick’s sweet, hot mouth around Geoff’s cock made him sob, a harsh, broken sound, and he pressed his knuckles into his mouth to stop it. He slammed a hand forward against the brick wall to support himself, eyes falling closed. Maybe this was wrong, but he didn’t have to think, didn’t have to feel, could focus on the bone-deep lust consuming him. Patrick knew just what to do, how to stroke all of Geoff’s hot spots to get him off in no time, and Geoff was barely able to catch a few breaths before the need spiraling up inside him crested and took him over in a sharp-edged climax. It was pleasure, yes, but also relief, the temporary absence of thought. Patrick swallowed around him, mouth soft and wet and perfect and exactly what Geoff needed right now. Geoff looked down, saw Patrick’s hand moving fast over his own length, stroking himself to the edge before he tensed up with a muffled moan and came over his fist and the ground.
“God, Patrick.” Geoff stepped back, still reeling, his emotions tumbling down to something like equilibrium. Patrick still knelt there at his feet, so good, so perfect. Geoff didn’t deserve this man. He pulled Patrick up, laving the back of Patrick’s hand with his tongue, licking him clean of his own mess. “I’m sorry,” Geoff said, and they kissed, messy and slick and full of too much emotion for the moment to contain. “I’m a mess. We’re a mess.”
“It’s okay.” Patrick kissed his knuckles. “Let’s go home.”
Midway through Geoff’s third attempt at an apology that night, Patrick finally put his hand over his husband’s mouth. “Geoff. Stop.”
Geoff had the sense to look abashed this time. “I can’t help it,” he said, words muffled against Patrick’s palm.
Patrick released him. They’d come home and showered, and now that they were cozied up together on the couch, Geoff wanted to keep going back to apologizing for his actions. “I don’t want to hear it. Besides, you and I both know I’m apparently a filthy cock slut.”
Geoff smiled at the words, but it was a sad smile. “It’s probably pointless to admit that I think I’m in over my head here. I just wanted sex, and I’ve caught feelings somewhere along the way.”
“It’s normal.”
“Was it like this for you, back when you were seeing multiple people?” Geoff asked. “So many complicated feelings?”
“I’ve been trying to remember, honestly.” Patrick had combed through his memories quite a bit and couldn’t remember the same intensity he was feeling now. “I know it was different. But I’m pretty sure it’s because I wasn’t in love with any of them. Not like now, not like the way I love you.”
Geoff laced his fingers with Patrick’s. “And Lori?”
Patrick stroked his beard, tugging the coarse hairs into alignment. The sensation helped him stay present while his heartbeat sped up. “I don’t know, Geoff.” Saying it out loud, that was scary, too scary. “It’s so soon. It’s not like with us, where we had months, years to figure it out.”
“I knew I was going to fall in love with you after our first date.”
Geoff’s expression was so earnest, so sincere, that Patrick’s heart ached. He was right too; he’d known he was in love with Geoff within weeks. “We didn’t say it right away.”
“We weren’t fools.” Geoff looked down at their entwined fingers. “Maybe we’re fools now.”
“I’ve always been a fool for you,” Patrick teased, making Geoff smile.
“I don’t know what happens if I say it out loud.” Geoff stared off into the middle distance. “I could fall in love with Lori.” As soon as the words were out, he closed his eyes. “That’s a lot to say out loud.”
Geoff was being honest, and Patrick wasn’t ready. Geoff probably knew. “What if we just walk away?” Patrick asked. “We’ve got our marriage. Each other. We’re happy.”
“We could do that.” Geoff swallowed. “We have to do that, right? What’s the alternative? We beg her to stay?”
“We can’t beg her to stay.” Patrick shook his head. “Even if we want her to.” I want her to. He thought the words but didn’t say them. Geoff had already done enough tonight.
“We could do a long-distance thing. It isn’t even that far.” Geoff seemed to try out the words, but then frowned. “It’s not the same.”
“If we’re going to be with her, I want to be with her. Not three trains and a car ride away.” Patrick sighed. “Maybe that’s selfish, but I can’t give that relationship the time it deserves without being with her.”
“And we can’t leave.” Geoff said it with certainty. “Our life is here.” He hesitated, then, his eyes going wide and vulnerable as a realization seemed to occur to him. “My life is here.”
“Don’t.” Patrick shook his head.
“But you lived there. You want to go back, I know you want to go back. You could—”
“Don’t,” Patrick insisted, covering Geoff’s mouth with his hand. It was all he could say. If Geoff asked him to swear that he didn’t want to go to New York, he would have to lie, and he didn’t want to lie. He wasn’t going to leave Geoff for anything, not for Lori, not for New York, not even for Lori in New York, but being asked to say it out loud or even reassure Geoff right now was going to break him apart. He pressed his palm firmly against Geoff’s lips and begged, silently, that Geoff would not ask this of him.
Geoff’s gaze softened, tender and understanding. He knew, he had to know, and he wouldn’t ask. After a moment, Patrick took his hand away, and they interlaced their fingers and were silent together.
Geoff finally broke the silence. “So, we walk away.”
Patrick nodded. “We walk away.”
Geoff hung his head. “I hate this.”
Patrick squeezed his hand. “At least we’ve got each other.” It was a comfort, sure,
but it rang hollow. They might have each other, but they didn’t have her.
21
Lori couldn’t stop looking chagrined as she opened the door to her apartment and invited Hannah in. “Thanks for coming.”
Hannah rolled her eyes and thrust the bottle of tequila into Lori’s hands. “It’s too much perfect symmetry for me to miss it. Plus, this is what friends are for. Drinks and comfort on a Monday night.” She let herself in and flopped down on the couch. “You gave me enough shit last year, I feel like it’s fair to give you some back.”
“It’s fair.” Lori cradled the bottle of tequila. “Thank you for this.”
“Crack it open. I don’t have to be at the shop until noon tomorrow.” Hannah put her feet up. “And bring snacks.”
Lori returned to the living room with snacks and the tequila. “This is really not a good look for me.”
“Because you’re not a perfect therapist with perfect answers for every situation? Yeah, I know.” Hannah grabbed the bag of chips and tore it open. “It’s got to be killing you to be in this pickle when it’s literally the thing you advise people about. Have you talked to your therapist about everything?”
“I filled her in.” Lori grabbed a handful of chips. “It was helpful to talk it out, but I’m still no closer to a solution. And it’s not her job to provide solutions. She gave me some stuff to think over, but I don’t know. It seems like I’m in a lose-lose situation.”
“Put it in words.” Hannah beckoned. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I have two key options here.” Lori held up one finger. “One: I leave Mapleton for good and take my dream job in Manhattan. I move to the city and work as a relationship therapist and outreach coordinator at an amazing center that does fantastic work making people’s lives better.” She held up a second finger. “Or two: I stay here in Mapleton and play third wheel for a couple of married guys who already have each other and probably will get over me within a few weeks.”
“Ouch.” Hannah winced. “That’s a pretty cold way of putting it.”
“Yeah, but listen to what happens if I spin it this way.” Lori tucked her leg up beneath her on the couch to get a better vantage point, and went back to holding up one finger. “One: I risk everything for love, embodying the polyamorous principles on which I based my entire research career to pursue a relationship with not one but two men I care deeply about.” Second finger. “Or, two: I move away for a job opportunity.”
“Fucking yikes.” Hannah sipped her tequila. “You’re right. It’s all about the spin. And you’ve ruled out a long-distance relationship?”
Lori made a face. “I can’t do that, not in a closed triad. I’d be too lonely trying to sustain it. If I choose New York, I’d need to make a clean break.”
“When do you need to tell the job people?”
“I told them last week that I needed a week to decide.” Lori winced. “That week is up tomorrow.”
“Then this really is the eleventh hour.”
“Practically, if not literally.” Lori sighed. “I even tried flipping a coin. I felt weird about every possible outcome.” She shoved some chips into her mouth and crunched them noisily. “This isn’t like me, Hannah.” Lori gestured to herself. “I make decisions. I pursue things. That’s my whole gig: I decide what I want and then go after it. But now, I feel like that’s wrong. I feel like, if I leave now, I’m leaving behind this one big chance at love.” She closed her eyes, the L word too heavy to look at head-on. “I don’t even know if Geoff and Patrick feel the same way about me. They already have each other. It feels selfish to even ask.”
“What if they do love you?” Hannah asked.
Lori opened her eyes this time, because she had to face this. “How can I know? Am I supposed to just go over there and ask? And what then? Do I risk everything in the hopes that our relationship lasts? It’s been such a short time. Months. I may never get another opportunity like this in my field again. And yet…” She hesitated, and her face felt hot. “I don’t know if I’m going to feel like this about anyone else, ever again.”
Hannah reached out and took her hand, the one that wasn’t clutching the glass of tequila. “I wish I knew what to tell you. There isn’t a good answer here.”
“What would you do, if you were me?”
Hannah’s eyes went wide, and she adjusted her glasses. “Me? In your shoes? Lori, I’m not like you.”
“But…if you were.” She just needed this perspective, even if it wasn’t the right one.
Hannah hesitated. “If it were me? I’d…” She swallowed, like the words were stuck in her throat. “I’d go to New York.”
Lori raised her eyebrows. She thought for sure that Hannah would recommend she stay with the guys, especially when Hannah herself was about to buy a house with the men she loved. “Really?”
“Really. Lori, it’s what you’ve wanted your whole academic career. This is your dream. I could never recommend you give it up for anyone, even for love. If it’s love, if it’s really love, maybe it’ll work out some other way.”
Lori nodded slowly, realization settling inside her stomach like a heavy weight. She put her untouched glass of tequila down on the table. “I need to go talk to them.”
“What, now? Tonight?” Hannah gaped. “I just got here.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Lori put her hands on her head. “I need to know for sure.”
“Okay.” Hannah set her own glass down. “You need a ride?”
“No, I didn’t have anything to drink.” Lori hesitated. “You want to stay here tonight? I’m not going to stay—I mean, I’ll be coming back here.”
Hannah smiled tenderly. “Sure. I’ll stay. I told the guys I wasn’t coming home tonight anyway. Figured this whole thing might take a lot longer.”
Lori laughed, but it came out shaky. “Thanks. Save me the tequila for after. I’ll definitely need it.”
Geoff had been dozing on Patrick’s shoulder, the two of them falling asleep in front of some Food Network marathon, when the downstairs buzzer jolted them awake.
“What the hell?” Geoff rubbed a hand across his eyes, and then grabbed his glasses off the coffee table. “It’s ten thirty on a Monday night.”
Frowning, Patrick went to activate the security camera for the elevator lobby. “It’s Lori.” He looked back at Geoff, then at the tiny screen. “Lori?” he asked into the mic, as if they didn’t very well know it was her.
“Hey.” Her voice came through the speaker tinny and overly loud. “I’m sorry. I know it’s late. Can I come up?”
Patrick looked over at Geoff. “Should I? I know you said…a couple of days ago, you said you wanted space.”
That was true, but right now, his heart was pounding, and he wanted nothing more than to see her. “Invite her up. If…if you’re okay with it.”
Patrick invited her up and pushed the access code to call the elevator.
“I hope she’s okay,” Patrick said. Geoff hadn’t even considered that possibility, that she’d come over unannounced because something was wrong. He checked his phone, but there were no missed texts or calls.
The elevator dinged, the doors slid open, and Lori walked out into their living room with wide eyes and her hair already wrapped up in its evening scarf.
“I’m sorry to just barge in without texting or calling. I had to see you both.” She looked like she was going to go hug Patrick, but she paused, hands twitching before she shoved them in the pockets of her pajama pants. Glancing down at herself, she bit her lip as though realizing for the first time she was in pajamas. “I…didn’t really think this through.”
“Are you okay?” Patrick bridged the distance between them, and he hugged her. Geoff’s heart filled his throat. Patrick was always so good at these things, the easy embraces, the casual physical contact. Lori relaxed in his embrace, wrapping her arms around his midsection.
“I’m okay.” She stepped back, clearing her throat and putting space between them, and loo
ked between Geoff and Patrick before her eyes settled on Geoff. “Sorry I ran out on you the other night.”
“It’s okay.” He didn’t know what to do with his hands. “I probably shouldn’t have pushed things.”
“Do you love me?”
Lori’s words echoed in the condo, too loud for the night and the quiet of the space, and Geoff’s stomach dropped out from under him. He swallowed, then swallowed again, and the lump in his throat wouldn’t go away. She locked eyes with him and wouldn’t let him look elsewhere, her gaze burning into his.
He could deflect. He could ask her the same question, or ask her why she needed to know, or even look to Patrick for help. But she’d asked him directly, and she deserved a direct answer, even if putting the word into his mouth was terrifying.
“Yes.”
The word came out quietly, without the fanfare it probably deserved, but Geoff had barely admitted this to himself and now had to admit it to the room. “It’s probably too soon,” he admitted. “And I know I’m not supposed to. And it probably doesn’t matter in the long run. But yes. I…do love you.”
Lori closed her eyes. She nodded slowly before rounding on Patrick. “What about you?”
Patrick took a small step backward, away from her. “It’s soon.”
“I know it’s soon. Do you love me?”
Patrick laughed, a wry chuckle that Geoff had heard before when Patrick was overwhelmed. “Yeah. For whatever the fuck it means, or whatever good it is, yeah. I do love you.” He looked to Geoff and shrugged helplessly.
Lori sagged, and it was hard to tell whether she sagged with relief or exhaustion. “I love both of you fools. So, what the hell am I supposed to do now?”
“What?” Geoff got to his feet. “What do you mean?”
“I’m taking the job.” She looked between the two of them, the three of them forming the points of a triangle across the living room. “The organization I really want to work for offered me a position. I’m gonna take it. I’m moving to New York.”