Reluctant to Love

by Gallo , Rebecca

  “What kind of restaurant is this?” I reach out and touch the velvety soft curtains.

  “Italian. It’s supposed to be the best in the area.”

  A server drops off a basket of freshly baked bread with a promise to return in a few moments. The yeasty scent hits my nose and I reach out for a slice. Roderick seems to barely notice it’s there because his green eyes are focused on me.

  “Why are you staring at me like that?”

  “It’s been four fucking years, Ellie. Four fucking years and now, you’re sitting in front of me and… I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. I want to take you in my arms and never let you go.”

  “But what if I have to pee?”

  He slams his hand down on the table, rattling the dishes and silverware. “Dammit, Eleanor! I’m being fucking serious.” He pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers before returning his gaze to me. “I can’t ask you for a second chance and not be completely honest with you. I knew you were coming to World of Books.”

  I want to feel shocked, but I don’t. Deep down, running into Roderick last night felt too coincidental.

  “How did you know?” My voice is quiet but hard.

  “The agent you’re meeting? She’s my agent too.”

  I look away. Suddenly, it feels as if all the hard work I put into preparing for this event was for nothing. The meeting I prayed for was a hand-out from Roderick’s guilty conscience.

  “Is that why she agreed to meet with me? Because you told her to take pity on me?”

  He shakes his head. “No. Absolutely not. She didn’t say anything. I kind of saw her schedule during one of our meetings.”

  “How am I supposed to believe you didn’t have a hand in getting me that meeting?”

  He holds up his hands and shrugs. “I don’t know Eleanor but just because I lied about one thing doesn’t mean I’m a liar.”

  The absurdity of his statement makes me laugh. “You lied about being married, Roderick! And you didn’t just lie to me, you lied to Famke.”

  He scowls. “If you only knew the lies she told me.”

  “I don’t care about any of that. I gave you more than just my heart. I gave you my words.”

  He winces. “I’m sorry about the writer’s block, sweets.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not talking about writer’s block. I’m talking about thousands of my words in your books.”

  “You signed an NDA, Ellie. You agreed to the ghostwriting relationship. I can’t do anything about giving you credit.”

  “If I knew how big Tristan and Yseut’s story was going to become, I would have asked for more money.”

  His eyes widen and his handsome face twists with anger. “Do you want more money? Are you only indulging me in these little chats because you want more money?”

  “If you knew how desperate I was during these last few years…” It’s hard to think about how easy he’s had it while I’ve struggled and not be jealous or angry. If it hadn’t been for Famke, could his life be mine too? I shake the thoughts from my head. “No, I don’t want any money.”

  “Then what do you want, if anything, from me?”

  I sigh. “The only thing you’ve offered me so far, honesty.”

  6

  Roderick

  “I might have bribed the front desk to lose your room,” I admit with a touch of embarrassment.

  There was a temporary truce as we ordered our dinners and then nibbled quietly at bread and antipasti, but she asked for honesty.

  “How could you do that? They’re not going to refund me the deposit!”

  I set my fork down beside my plate and look up into her large blue eyes. “Of course they’re going to refund your money, sweets.”

  “Why would you do that to me?”

  “It was a chance I had to take. I couldn’t just hope to run into you at the convention.”

  “But what if I refused?”

  I smile because after a year of working together and four years apart, I still know her better than she knows herself. “You were never going to refuse, Ellie.”

  “Cocky much?”

  “I’m not cocky, sweets. I just know you.”

  She pouts as she stabs her fettucine before taking a bite. It’s unbelievable to me how much I still love her. It’s like my heart doesn’t even realize we were separated.

  “Why didn’t you try and find me after your divorce?” Her question is one of the hardest to answer.

  “There are a few reasons. First, Famke made not seeing you a stipulation of our divorce.”

  “She could do that?”

  “Famke is a cruel bitch and technically, I violated our prenup. I wouldn’t have gotten a dime from her.”

  One of the many lies she fed me was that our prenuptial agreement was standard. She came from a very wealthy family and told me it was to protect them. But really, it was to protect her from the embarrassment of divorce. I was too young and enamored by her to pay attention to what I was signing. Any infidelity on my part meant I received nothing in a divorce settlement. I was also barred from speaking publicly about the divorce proceedings. These rules didn’t apply to her. She made me look like a fool while we were married and during our separation. She was in the gossip columns constantly while I sat at home, furious and heartbroken.

  “So, you agreed to not see me because of money?” She sits back against the booth and bits her bottom lip.

  This conversation was always going to be the hardest because I made a decision. I scramble from my side of the booth over to hers and wrap my arm around her shoulders, drawing her into me.

  “Listen to me, sweets. I regret agreeing to Famke’s terms. There are so many things I should have done but I can’t change the past. I can only hope to change the future.”

  My hand slips under her chin and lifts it slightly. I only have to bend my head a few inches to kiss her. At first, it’s soft and slow until she begins to open to me. My hand falls away and wraps around her waist, holding her tight, while she slides a hand up my chest and around my neck.

  My heartbeat picks up, beating rapidly against my chest because perhaps, Eleanor’s walls are finally starting to crumble. There is so much more I want to do. I want to touch her and feel her soft skin beneath my fingers. I want to sink into her heat and hear her call out my name. But more than anything, I want to earn her forgiveness.

  I pull back slightly. “Be mine,” I whisper against her lips. “Be mine again.”

  And then I devour her. I don’t care if the curtains to our quiet little booth aren’t closed all the way or if the patrons are scandalized by our little show. I want this woman in the worst way. And from the way her hand is gripping my hair, she wants me too.

  She manages to break the kiss and breathlessly says, “Check please.”

  My forehead presses against hers and I chuckle slightly. “We should probably get a room.”

  “I think we already have one.”

  There is still so much we need to say to each other but right now, we need connection. I know there is still a spark; I know we still fit together like two pieces of the same puzzle. I just need to show her.

  “Let’s go,” I purr into her ear.

  I pluck my wallet from my back pocket and place more than enough money to cover our bill on the table.

  When I step out of the booth, I can’t help but tug her against me and place a sweet kiss on her lips. And then I drag her through the restaurant and outside to find a cab.

  “What if you didn’t leave enough money?”

  I turn back to the entrance of the restaurant. “If it wasn’t, our server would be out here already.”

  One eyebrow lifts and her lips twitch. “Who carries around that kind of cash? Who do you think you are, Christian Grey?”

  “What do you know about Christian Grey?”

  “Nothing,” she says with a mischievous smile. She stands on tiptoe and places a quick kiss on lips. “Absolutely nothing.”

  When the cab a
rrives, I practically push her into the back. The driver seems to hit every red light back to the hotel but I don’t mind because I’m too busy kissing.

  “This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” she makes it a point to tell me during our ride back.

  “I know,” I tell her, stopping any more protests with my lips.

  When the cab drops us off of, we sprint to the elevators and dance with excitement waiting for one to arrive. I only pray when it does arrive, it’s empty.

  “Roderick,” she says softly. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  I shake my head. “No,” I say. “Honesty can wait for a few hours. Whatever secrets we still need to tell will still be there in the morning.”

  “But what if it’s a secret that will change everything?”

  Gone is Eleanor’s excitement; it’s been replaced with worry. I step toward her and slip my hands around her waist. “Look at me.” She hesitates for a moment before her lashes flutter and her eyes meet mine. “I promise you, whatever big, bad ugly thing you’re hiding, we’ll figure it out. I love you, Ellie. I always have and I always will. Nothing is going to change that.”

  A million different things run through my mind. A husband? A wife? A kid? What if her secret really does changes things? What if she’s done something I can’t forgive? I bury those thoughts deep because I don’t want them hanging over the night like a bunch of storm clouds.

  At last, there’s the tell-tale ding of the elevator’s arrival. The doors slide open to reveal an empty car. I lead her inside but I don’t take advantage. She’s worried about something and I want to give her the space to clear her head.

  When we arrive back in our hotel room though, that’s a different story.

  That’s when I strike, pressing her against the wall of the tiny foyer of the suite and branding her with my kiss.

  My hands find the hem of her cropped t-shirt and lift it, revealing the black lacy bra underneath. “Dirty girl,” I praise her before leaning down to kiss the tops of each breast. I reach up and tug one of the cups down, letting a perfect handful pop free. I suck her luscious pink nipple into my mouth.

  God, she tastes like absolute heaven with skin so creamy white and soft. I could get lost in her for days on end and never tire.

  I drag my mouth down to her tummy, leaving a wet trail of kisses as I go. Her hands work through my hair and just as I reach the button of her jeans, she freezes.

  “Roderick,” she breathes out. “Stop. Please, stop.”

  I stand up straight. “What’s wrong, sweets?”

  She looks away from me and gnaws on her bottom lip. “It’s just too much right now. We’ve barely spent twenty-four hours together.”

  “It’s been four years, Eleanor. I’m a man starved for your body.”

  “And there’s four years of baggage between us. I’m asking you to take it slow.”

  I’m not sure why she’s suddenly changed but I won’t push her. I nod my head. “Alright, if that’s what you want. But you need to promise me something.”

  “What?” She finally meets my eye and I can see the terrified look in her eye. Whatever spooked her is a big deal. I’m confident in time she will reveal whatever it is she’s hiding.

  “Tonight, and every other night during this trip, you’ll sleep in my bed.”

  “Roderick, I just told you—”

  I cover her mouth with my hand. “I know what you told me. But I’m not going to spend another night without you in my bed. I’ve endured years of sleepless nights without you and I won’t go another night.”

  She sinks back against the wall and looks down at the ugly patterned carpet in the room. The hesitation is written all over her face, but she finally looks up and says, “Okay.”

  7

  Eleanor

  I feel like I’m making a huge mistake, pushing Roderick away. I want to feel that spark of connection again, to know a man still desires me and clearly, Roderick does. But there are scars I still need to hide until I’m sure he’s ready to see them.

  He runs his hand down my arm and slips it between mine before leading me to the much larger, much more luxurious master bedroom.

  “Holy shit,” I murmur as I take in the opulence. I thought I was winning with a spacious en-suite, but this room is bigger than most apartments back home. “You’re damn right I’m going to sleep in this room.”

  Roderick laughs at me. “Who knew that getting you into my bed was going to be this easy.”

  “Honestly, you should have showed me the room first.” I walk back to my room to grab my pajamas but also for a little privacy. I abruptly ended my phone call with my mother when Roderick bombarded me in my room earlier in the day. She’s probably worried and if I wait until tomorrow, she’ll likely get out her Tarot deck and start reading the cards, looking for signs of trouble.

  “I was waiting for you to call,” my mother answers sweetly.

  “I’m sorry to call so late. Little princess already in bed?”

  “Oh yes. She had a slight fever today so she’s been asleep for hours.” I hear shuffling in the background, and I roll my eyes.

  “The cards are out, aren’t they?”

  “Just one, Eleanor.”

  “Mom, tell me about the fever. Did it break?”

  “Knight of Cups, dear. Very good. Whatever you’re facing this week, follow your heart. Maybe you’ll receive some kind of invitation this week.”

  If only my mother knew just how right her cards were. She’d probably blush at Roderick’s invitation.

  “Okay, follow my heart, yadda yadda yadda. How’s the little princess feeling now?”

  “Well, her fever finally broke.”

  I sigh and sit down on the bed. “Okay, I’ll call and check on her tomorrow. Call me immediately if her fever spikes. I’ll come right home.”

  “I can take care of things here. You just focus on your meeting.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Do you want me to draw another card?”

  “No, mom. Goodnight.”

  The call ends and I quickly change out of my jeans and t-shirt and into an oversized shirt that once belonged to Roderick and a pair of shorts.

  There’s a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” I call out.

  “Just checking to see if you changed your mind,” he says with a shy smile that widens when he sees what I’m wearing. “I thought I lost that shirt.”

  “You didn’t; I took it.” I pick my phone up from the bed and follow him out of the room.

  Having his hands and mouth on me felt wonderful. More than wonderful; it felt divine. It made me feel alive.

  When we enter the master bedroom, Roderick spins me into his arms. One hand tangles into my hair and tugs my head until my face is upturned. He brushes his lips against mine softly before deepening it. His other hand skims my belly, gathering the material of my shirt in his fist.

  When we break apart, there’s a satisfied look on his face. “I love being able to do that again.”

  “It’s been a long day,” I say awkwardly before I brush past him, heading straight for the bed.

  “Will you let me touch you, sweets? Just a little?” Roderick slips in beside me but his body is tense, presumably waiting for my rejection.

  “I kind of feel like this is all new, ya know? Like we’re two awkward teenagers or something.”

  “I noticed some fresh ink,” he says, sliding his hand under my shirt and over my tummy.

  “I’m a masochist.”

  Slowly, he lifts my shirt. He keeps his eyes on me the entire time, waiting for me to stop him. His fingers trace the first quote across my ribcage. “The heart was made to be broken.” His hand skims to wear my shorts hide the one that covers my hip. “What does this one say?”

  “Everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud.”

  “You don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You wear it on your body.” He releases my shirt, smoothing it over my stomach and then covers me with his large
body. He dots my cheeks and nose with kisses before pulling back. “Let me in, Ellie. Let me love you the way you were meant to be loved. The way I should have loved you four years ago.”

  “You don’t know how much I want to accept what you’re offering.”

  “So, what’s stopping you?”

  “The truth.”

  “The dark is the perfect place to tell secrets. Should I turn off the lights?”

  He doesn’t wait for answer. Instead, he rolls over and flips a switch, instantly submerging the room in darkness.

  “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,” he jokes.

  “I went to your apartment five times after we broke up,” I confess. “I stood outside your door, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock. So, I left.”

  “Famke rejected my manuscript before she knew you were my ghostwriter.”

  “I was homeless for three months.”

  That one is hard to tell and from the way Roderick tenses beside me, I can tell it struck a nerve. He turns on his side and skims his hand along my back. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Eleanor. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “What did you think was going to happen when your lie was revealed? That I wouldn’t care?”

  “Honestly, I thought I could settle my divorce quietly and you would be none the wiser.”

  “Dumb ass,” I tease.

  “Kiss me,” he demands.

  I scoot my body closer to his and lightly peck his lips. He grunts his disapproval and pulls me closer.

  “Kiss me,” he demands again.

  This time I give him what he wants. Soft, slow and sensuous. I drape my leg over his hip and let my arm fall across his shoulder. I drink him in, stealing the very breath from his lungs. His hands are firm on my waist, holding me tight against him where I can easily feel his hard length against my belly.

  He returns my kiss with ferocity, nipping at my lips and then soothing the sting with his tongue.

  My secrets start to bubble to the surface. I want to tell him so badly the one thing that could ruin all of this; the one secret forcing me to keep him at a distance, but I can’t. Not yet.