Fart Dad

by Pete Ziolkowski

  Many teachers are modern-day heroes. Mr. Whurst was not one of them. Elijah and the girls could not have had a more different experience in school.

  With every step that Elijah would take,

  His body would more greatly shake

  As the girls drew closer to learn

  Their little hearts increasingly yearned

  For the one,

  Fear, pain, and misery was in store

  For the others,

  Only joy, happiness, and goodness forevermore

  The fifth graders’ will to survive would be put to the test

  While the third graders’ day would be the best

  Life is filled with choices you don’t choose

  Some days you can only lose.

  Since it was Monday, DJ Schmidom made sure that the kids started off their week feeling nurtured and cared for. Dora the beautiful fluffy Golden Retriever was ready and waiting to continue proving that she was the world’s best therapy dog. She melted the kids’ hearts and calmed their nerves. The third graders’ hearts were well prepared to be attentive to the needs of those around them while their minds were set at ease, creating the optimal space for learning.

  Across the hall, though, Mr. Whurst had the exact opposite experience planned. Scruffy, the mangy, flea-infested, smelly, scare-apy dog had all the fifth graders cowering in the corner. Patches of black and white fur fell off as he barked like a werewolf. A bark that was surely not as bad as his bite, as he gnawed his way through a sea of desks.

  Across the hall, though, DJ Schmidom exercised his gift of letting the kids have so much fun they didn’t even realize they were learning. These future world-changers were unaware that they were learning math as they tried to keep up adding and subtracting the different objects Smiles the Clown juggled and dropped.

  Across the hall, though, Mr. Whurst had the exact opposite experience planned. The fifth graders were terrorized by a nightmarish clown. Jokey-wise the clown was some sort of a cross between Pennywise, the Joker, and Homey-the-clown. You don’t even want to try to picture how his green hair crowned his pointy white head. For real. Don’t even try to imagine what his sharp, yellow teeth looked like when his red lips formed a sinister smile as he continually bopped kids on the head with a sock filled with eggs—one for every math problem they didn’t get right. The only one laughing was Mr. Whurst.

  Across the hall, though, DJ Schmidom knew that for many kids in the public school system in major urban areas, the school day was one of the few times that they would be guaranteed a meal. He also knew that it’s awfully challenging to learn and behave when you’re hungry. So he guaranteed that the kids in his room would get the nutrition they needed, somehow even making vegetables feel like a reward.

  Across the hall, though, Mr. Whurst had the exact opposite experience planned. He knew that many kids’ parents would pack all kinds of yummy treats just to say I love you. So Mr. Whurst gave all the kids a shakedown and made them leave their treats in his horrid piano. He did, however, give them the option of paying a dime for a carton of stinky, chunky milk.

  Down the hall, though, DJ Schmidom always took the kids to get extra exercise. While he valued the importance disciplined education, he knew that kids were kids, and kids need to move. Why can’t kids learn about how to mix up the primary colors while riding ponies through an interactive maze that changes colors as you go?!

  On the other end of the hall, though, Mr. Whurst had the exact opposite experience planned. Mr. Whurst didn’t like being inconvenienced by something as frivolous as gym class. Or recess. So the fifth graders had to run through an obstacle course in the gym that not even Indiana Jones could have escaped.

  Back in the classroom, DJ Schmidom had a room filled with eager minds, soaking up the jazzy history lesson he had cooked up over the weekend. With the smooth melodies weaving stories into their souls, these kids would never forget the work done by Harriet Tubman, William Wilberforce, Sojourner Truth or Fredrick Douglas.

  On the other side of the hall, though, Mr. Whurst had the exact opposite experience planned. Later in life, these poor fifth graders would have to untangle the mess in their minds as they would be surprised to learn that Jesus was in fact—NOT an English-speaking white man with blonde hair and blue eyes who voted Republican.

  As you can see, the kids could not have had a more contrasting experience throughout their day. When the bell rang to end the day, Ani and JoJo happily bounded to Mom and Dad who they knew would be waiting for them at the corner with Skinney. The fifth graders walked out of the door like veterans of war who thanked God they just survived the day.

  CHAPTER 4:

  Eyes on the Prize

  “Hey! Don’t youz go messin’ this up fer me now. I gotta impress the old lady. Youz knowz how she don’t like no bums. I’m gunna make sure we winz dat trophy so da old lady knowz I ain’t no bum off the street. She’s gonna know I’m handy with the steal if you know what I mean!”

  Smalley barked out orders through his yellow teeth that were turning green. His purple bandana hid his bald spot but his white tank top couldn’t hide his bulging belly. He was dead set on winning the toy stealing contest and taking home a trophy. He needed to impress his high-maintenance wife, Gertrude. Gerty loved her bling. And Smalley loved seeing that blingity bling try to peek out through the various folds of flesh they adorned. Winning Milwaukee’s notorious Tough Hairy Underground Games (THUG) and becoming the top thug was Smalley’s surest way to secure the blingiest bling any thug ever could. So he enlisted his most trusted companion—Slim—to help him finish the job.

  Slim was nothing if not loyal. He was built in a way that proved his nickname true rather than ironic. He was the kind of guy who looked like a strong gust of wind would knock right over. He definitely had never tasted the glories of Taco Bell. Poor Slim.

  Slim: “Hey, boss, check out this sauce. Why you gotta keep hustlin’ to keep your old lady from bustlin’? Sometimes you gotta let the hen know who the rooster is in dis biz. You know what I’m sayin’ I ain’t playin’?!”

  Smalley: “You don’t know my old lady, Slim. Last time I came home without a trophy, she tanned my hinney so bad! Ohhhhhh it hewrt, Slim, it hewrt! I couldn’t sit for a week. Ohhhh she’s mean, Slim, she’s mean. But she’s wonderful too. She’s da best old lady youz ever did know.

  Slim: “All right, boss knows best, better dan da rest. I ain’t gonna get in the way of true love like a turtle dove. So what’s the plan, boss man? How we gonna get theez toyz from theez boyz?”

  Smalley: “Diversion.”

  Slim: “Diversion?”

  Smalley: “Like doze guyz who do da magic trix.”

  Slim: “We’re gonna make da toyz disappear like a deer? You been learning magic tricks on Netflix? Can you pull a bunny outta my hat or something like that?! Please, please, please! I love dat one and I ain’t goin nowheres till it’s done.”

  Smalley: “No! Knock it off, Slim, or I’ll knock youz off! We got work to do here.”

  Slim: “Sorry, boss, don’t give me the toss. But I love dhoz tricks and the magic sticks. Can you take me to one of dem showz after we win da trophy and amaze our foes?”

  Smalley: “Slim! We ain’t no bums. After we win the trophy, those guyz will bring the magic to us. So here’s what we’re gunna need. Write this down.”

  Slim: “Ready, bossman, hit me when you can. Wait! Don’t hit me, weez friendly. So go ahead and shoot! I mean, don’t shoot. Sometimes I forgets that we ain’t the good guys, that catches me by surprize dat weez da thugz even though we like hugs. I’m ready, boss man, tell me the plan!”

  Smalley: “We ain’t got time for dis messin’ around, Slim. Listen up. We’re gonna need a brown bear suit, a cub’s hat, and some green and gold paint….”

  CHAPTER 5:

  No More Toys

  “Ah, now this is my favorite time of day,” Elijah said with a massive sigh of relief. Even though you may have never had a visit from a scare-apy dog at school,
I’m sure you know how good it feels to be done with the school day and back in the comfort of your own home. No dress code, no hard desks, no….

  “Noooooo toys!” JoJo shrieked from the reading area. Ani and Elijah shot upstairs like a rocket. Not again. Not now. This is supposed to be the time of day when kids can kick back and relax. But there will be no relaxing when toys are missing. Again.

  Ani took out her sparkly pink notebook and categorically recorded the observations made by all the kids.

  1. The reading area is clean. Crazy clean. Too clean. Cleaner than any human could make it.

  2. There’s a few new decorations on the wall.

  3. Toys keep disappearing—but only when the kids are gone

  4. JoJo won’t stop singing—that one came from Elijah

  5. Elijah won’t let JoJo keep singing—that one came from JoJo

  Ani: “All right, you guys, our toys are missing. Again. It’s one thing to lose a toy here or there. That happens to the best of us. But to lose multiple toys—two days in a row—when we weren’t even here? This is not normal. Something is going on. What could it be?”

  JoJo: “I know! I bet that our toys come to life when we’re not around. The dollies and the LEGO guys are probably just playing hide and seek! ... but they all decided to hide and forgot to choose someone to seek. So now they’re all hidden all over the house staying still and quiet so that no one will find them. Oh, I hope we find them. I don’t know what I would do without my sweet dollies!”

  Elijah: “No, this isn’t some kids’ movie. This is real life. Our toys are really gone. I bet that when we’re at school, our grandparents come over and play with our toys. I can see Pa now sitting in his wheelchair, wearing my batman cape, having a good ole time. And then he probably took our toys back to the nursing home with him! Yeah, that’s it! I bet that all Pa’s friends are sending him here to get our toys to bring them back to the home so they have something to play with!

  Ani: “I don’t think so, Elijah.” It was Ani’s turn to lay out a hypothesis. “How would Pa get upstairs? He’s in a wheelchair, remember?”

  Elijah: “Er … I suppose. So what do you think is going on?”

  Ani: “I bet that when we’re away, birds come.”

  JoJo: “Birds? Watchyatalkinabout, Sis?”

  Ani: “Birds. I saw it on one of Dad’s nature shows. There’s these birds that steal shiny things from all over to make nests and displays to attract other birds. They will even steal kids’ toys. And what do we have here? Kids’ toys. Well, not as many as we used to. I bet it was the birds!”

  Elijah: “I doubt it. But it doesn’t really matter what we believe, does it? What matters is what’s real. If we don’t figure out what’s happening to our toys soon, it won’t be long before we have no toys left. How can we catch the culprit in the act?”

  This simple suggestion sent JoJo off on a nearly endless rant for how the kids could catch the culprit.

  –We could put all of our toys in one spot in the middle of the carpet. Cut a hole underneath the carpet. Put the trampoline underneath that. Then wait for the crook to grab the toys, fall through the hole, bounce in the trampoline, drop the toys, and be stuck bouncing forever!

  –Or we could put crazy glue all over all of our toys so that when they try to grab our toys, everything sticks to them and they can’t move fast enough to get away from us!

  –Or we could build giant mouse traps, put the toys on the traps, then when they try to grab the toys—wham!—the hammer drops on their arm and we catch ‘em!

  –Or we could dress up Sissy to look like a giant doll, leave her out in the middle of the reading area, and when the bad guys come to try to grab the toys, she grabs them!

  –Or we could….

  As I’m sure you’ve gathered by now, this went on for a while. Some kids, who are probably a lot like you, have a very active imagination. And when given the space to dream, well, you know how many magnificent possibilities are tucked in your mind just waiting to be unleashed.

  While JoJo went on (and on and on) about the best ways to catch the culprit, Elijah plugged his ears and Ani rifled through the books on the shelf. She figured that this group of kids is probably not the first to lose a toy or two. And as great as JoJo’s imagination might be, Ani assumed that someone else may have already taken a run at solving this problem. As she flipped through the seventeenth book, an instruction manual fell out of it and a lightbulb went off in her brilliant mind.

  Ani: “Elijah! I think we have the answer, but we need … Elijah? Elijah? HEYYYY!”

  Elijah was oblivious as to what was actually going on. While his fingers were stuck in his ears, his mind went on a journey dreaming of all the ways robots could make his life more exciting—and easier—at the same time. Scheming up ways to configure an AI ability that would love doing chores and thoughts of inventing new ways to mess with his sisters were unplugged forcefully as Ani unplugged his ears.

  Elijah: “What in the world are you doing?! I almost had the perfect plan lined up to hide a…. Um … never mind. What were you going to say?”

  Ani: “I figured it out! But we’ll need to work together. We can catch this culprit and never lose another toy again!”

  Elijah: “Great! What do we need to do?”

  Ani: “You need to set up one of your drones. And then….”

  Elijah: “We need to get JoJo to stop singing?”

  Ani: “Yes! But check this out….”

  CHAPTER 6:

  The Trap Is Set

  “Yowza! Ouch! Wa! Waaa! Wwaa!”

  CRAAAAAAASHH!

  “You guys?! What in the world are you doing?” the exasperated mother asked as she plucked off the LEGOs that were embedded in her arm. “This is not safe or okay. How can you make such a huge mess all the time?! If you don’t take care of your toys….”

  Mom was about to launch into the endless, yet obligatory, Mom lecture on the importance of taking care of your things, thinking more about others than about yourself, acting responsible, blah, blah, blah, and a whole bunch of other Mom stuff. While she was droning on and on, the kids appeared to be doing the obligatory kid thing, which as you probably know is—not paying attention to Mom. Typically this sets off a chain reaction. The less kids listen, the more Mom lectures. And the more Mom lectures, the less kids listen. And so on.

  “Kids! IT’S SHOOOOWWWW TIMEEEEEE!” Dad mercifully hollard from the basement, immediately ending the latest lecture session. The kids dropped their toys right where they were and ran downstairs as fast as … well … kids who just saw an opening to get out of being lectured AND needing to pick up their toys—were instead able to watch a family movie.

  Like cats being chased by a dog, the kids charged downstairs. But before Elijah rounded the final corner to the basement, he stopped and pressed a red button on a high-tech remote control. With that, one strategically placed drone began recording the messy reading area while Dad and the kids snuggled up on the couch with Skinny and let the good shows roll.

  Normally, it’s easy for the whole family to zone out and watch a show. But tonight, Dad was the only one laughing freely at the supposed superheroes destroying a toilet. JoJo nibbled on her nails like a woodchuck chucking wood. Elijah drummed on his lap like Questlove on tour. Ani had too many potential scenes running through her mind to even notice that the superheroes did indeed destroy that toilet!

  Dad: “Show’s over, kids. Time for bed. But potty first. Go destroy that toilet!”

  “Dad!” Ani shouted.

  The kids ran upstairs to see if their trap trapped the one who was supposed to be trapped. They leaped up the last flight of stairs to find the reading area yet again completely, totally, spotlessly—CLEAN!

  “Okay, you guys, it’s time for … light time?” Mom was surprised to see that the kids were all already in their beds. Ani was tucked into her perfectly arranged bed on the top bunk. Elijah’s head was already resting on his sorry excuse for a pillow. Seriously, the
pillowcase seemed to hold, like two sheets of paper. But he loved it for some reason. And JoJo, as always, found herself on a makeshift bed on the floor where she fought her stuffed animals for the little space they allowed.

  Now, this happens every night. But usually not without a fight from Mom. Tonight, though, the kids had their books and seemed ready to enjoy a little quiet reading time before they went to sleep. Just part of the plan to catch the culprit.

  “All right you sweet kiddos, I guess I’ll just sing you a song then.” And with that, Mom sang a nighttime song in a voice so sweet you could swear you heard the shuffle of angel’s feet. The only problem with Mom singing a nighttime song was that it had to end. When the heavenly chorus concluded, Dad stepped in and prayed. He thanked God for His protection and provision and requested the gift of a peaceful night’s rest.

  As soon as the kids were tucked in and the parents were out—Elijah pushed a button on his remote control. Mexcanno 5000 flew into the room. The boy guided the drone to a safe, gentle landing on the dresser, right next to JoJo’s pink glasses and on top of Ani’s pile of books. The kids gathered around to watch the video and see if they caught the culprit. Elijah pressed play. What they watched next was the stuff nightmares are made of.

  The high definition video showed a tornado whipping through the reading area. It spun with such velocity that it sucked everything in the reading area into its vortex. The kids trembled as they watched this oddly beautiful, brownish tornado whirl its way around, not only cleaning up but also seemingly decorating as it went?! It hit the drone and the screen faded to black.