This Stolen Life

by This Stolen Life (retail) (epub)

  He was nice enough. He didn’t make her unhappy. Perhaps that was the best she could hope for.

  She stood next to him and made cups of tea. She asked him how his day was and normally listened carefully to his quick summary of who he’d dealt with. Bim wasn’t precious about his work like some men could be. If she asked questions, he would answer them. But that evening, she couldn’t concentrate.

  ‘I’m going back to work tomorrow, remember,’ she said.

  He had clearly forgotten. He put his head to one side and watched her for a moment.

  ‘Are you sure you are ready? You still look tired.’

  ‘I’m always tired.’ She forced a laugh. ‘It’s part of being a mum, I think.’ She handed him his tea and turned to lean back against the work surface. ‘Soma is able to manage Louie without me now. I can go to work with a clear conscience.’

  ‘Conscience?’ said Bim.

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘Louie is happy and well cared for. He gets to play with us in the evenings and weekends. It’s no different to hundreds of other children. There’s no need to feel guilty.’ He gave her a funny look when he said it. ‘But don’t feel you have to go back to work if you’re not ready. If you feel it would be better to spend a few more weeks relaxing and getting things straight, you can do that. We don’t need the money.’

  ‘I know that.’ They were lucky. He earned enough that she didn't have to go to work to make ends meet. Some of her friends had chosen to give up careers to bring up children. She had wondered, dreamed even, about staying home with her baby, basking in their bond, being one of those calm homemakers that she’d read about in all the parenting books. She now knew she could never do that. Quite apart from that fact that she was a rubbish mother, her baby didn’t seem to like her much. She gripped the mug tightly and took a deep breath. ‘I think I need to go back, though. I need to remember what it was like to be me.’

  ‘If that’s what you want.’

  He never told her what to do. Originally, she’d liked that. She’d thought it was because he respected her independence, but since Louie, who had changed her dull, stable life into a shifting maelstrom of uncertainty, she wondered if it was merely that he wasn’t interested.

  ‘I think it is… I’m not sure…’

  He frowned and sipped some tea, eyes focussed somewhere across the kitchen.

  ‘Perhaps, the only thing to do is to try it and see. If you find it doesn’t feel right for you, you can stop. You don’t have to send the nanny home, just because you’re at home too. You can share the job between you.’

  Hah. There was no chance of that. Louie would object most strenuously. Yamuna said nothing. She had to remember how lucky she was to have a man like Bim take her on at her age. Once you got into your late thirties, there were so few eligible men left. She was lucky to have been able to have Louie too. There was no reason to let her insecurities ruin everything.

  ‘I’m going in for three days this week, to start with,’ she informed him. She had told him before, but he was bound to have forgotten. ‘Then four days the next week and then full time. I had a chat with Richard about what work I’d be taking on when I get back and, well, I’m looking forward to getting back into it, to be honest.’

  ‘I can understand that,’ said Bim. ‘I would miss my work if it were me, but I thought…’ He turned, his eyes finally focusing on her face. ‘I don’t want you to feel pressured into going back. Or staying at home. I don’t mind either way. I want you to be happy, that’s all.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, quietly. How easy it was to make ‘I don’t care what you do’ sound like ‘I’m supporting your decisions, whatever you decide’.

  * * *

  The front door slammed, telling Soma that Madam and Mr Gamage had left for the day. Now it was just her and Louie… and she could relax. Loving Louie was the one thing that cost her no effort at all. It was as though the love had been there, waiting for him to tap into it with the first gurgle. Maybe he was the reincarnation of the baby brother she never knew.

  Soma deftly caught a gobbet of porridge before it slid off Louie’s chin and popped it back in his mouth. He gummed it, dribbling some back out again.

  ‘Eat up, bubba.’ She smiled at him and was rewarded with a sticky smile back. ‘After we’ve had this, I’ll have something to eat. Then we can do what’s on the list amma left us.’

  Madam had a strict routine for Louie. She wrote it out, with timings and instructions on the order in which things had to be done. When it was playtime, Louie had to play, whether he wanted to or not. He was to eat at mealtimes only. If he didn’t eat it, she wasn’t to keep trying to get the food into him. ‘If he’s hungry, he’ll eat,’ Madam said. ‘No need to play silly games to force him to eat.’ Soma, who was used to babies being fussed over, found this idea startling and wrong, but Madam was the boss and Soma couldn’t afford to mess this up.

  She scraped the last of the porridge off the bowl and fed it to Louie. Giving him an empty bowl and a spoon to play with, she grabbed herself some bread. The bread here came ready bagged and didn’t have a crust. She liked that it was already sliced, although sometimes she wondered if they baked the bread in little squares, they were so uniform. It tasted strange too. And it was brown. She spread a good layer of butter and jam on the bread. She took down the activity list for the day to read it while she ate.

  ‘So, today, we’ve got some play time with… the toys in the blue box… and then a nap.’

  Back upstairs, she got out the prescribed toys and sat cross-legged on the floor, with Louie in the hollow of her lap. Playing with him required focus, Madam had said, and eye contact and a constant commentary of what was going on, so that he could learn more words. Soma did all that when Madam was around, but when it was just her and Louie, she gave him a little freedom. Leaning against her for support, he patted the doll she was holding and made the bell on its hat tinkle. He let out a self-satisfied gurgle and did it again. She congratulated him and kissed the top of his head.

  As he tried his newfound trick again, she leaned back against the wall. Freed from worrying about the baby, her mind immediately filled up with an image of the man on the landing a few weeks before. Reliving her only meeting with him was her current favourite hobby. It made her smile and prevented her from thinking about other things, so she clung to it like it was a life raft. The memory spooled through her mind like a film clip. She had heard a sound on the baby monitor and gone out to investigate, expecting to see Madam doing a spot check on Louie. Instead she’d opened the door to see a man who was definitely not Mr Gamage, standing on the landing. He was looking over Madam’s shoulder into Louie’s room, so he hadn’t noticed Soma until she’d shifted position. Hearing her, he’d turned. He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen outside of a cinema screen. He was tall and broad in all the right ways and had curly hair that was a bit too long. His eyes were light enough to be brown, rather than black. The minute they turned to look at her, she’d felt as though her heart was going to fly out of her body.

  Louie took too energetic a swat at the doll and toppled forward. Soma gently righted him. Noticing that he had dribbled, she wiped his chin with a muslin cloth and found him a different toy to play with. She put a hand around his middle to keep him stable.

  Madam had described the man as her cousin, so he was one of Them. He would never look twice at a servant like her. And even if he did, it wouldn’t be with love. That only happened in films. It was silly of her to think of him like that. Daydreaming was all very well, but she shouldn’t give that single meeting any more significance. When she stopped to think about it, she wasn’t even sure she wanted it to have more significance. Falling in love meant touching and holding and… she didn’t want to be touched. She sighed and wiped another trail of drool off Louie. No. She didn’t want it be anything more than a pleasant sighting.

  Except, there was no harm in daydreaming, was there? She could pretend she was like the
girl in the shampoo commercial. The one who men fell in love with, but never touched.

  She daydreamed about film stars all the time and that was fine because they weren’t real and couldn’t hurt you. This man may as well not be real. People like him didn’t talk to people like her. He was from a rich family, well-educated and smooth. People like him employed people like her to clean their houses and look after their children. They didn’t make friends with them. She didn’t really even want him to. The man in her imagination was good and kind and would keep her safe. Getting to know the real man would only ruin it.

  In her lap, Louie stopped playing. She felt his little body clench. There was a soft pop in his nappy. Soma smiled. ‘It’s okay, little one,’ she said. ‘I know my place. You don’t have to remind me of it.’

  She picked him up and went off to deal with baby shit.

  * * *

  Sahan hummed to himself as he made a sandwich for lunch. His last revision paper had gone really well and he was on track with his plans for revising the next module. He might even entertain the thought that he was doing okay.

  ‘What is that tune?’ Cara opened a cupboard next to him and pulled out a packet of value custard creams.

  ‘What tune?’ Sahan surveyed his sandwich for a second and decided it needed some black pepper.

  ‘The one you’ve been humming all the time,’ said Cara. She picked up the kettle and moved towards him, stopping short of pushing him out of the way. Despite being a very touchy-feely person, she rarely touched him, because she knew about Tamsin. He appreciated that.

  Sahan moved up so that she could reach the sink. Had he been humming? It was the lullaby that he’d heard Soma singing to baby Louie. The tune, and Soma, had drifted into his mind from time to time. He hadn’t realised he’d been humming it aloud.

  Cara put the kettle on and leaned against the work surface opposite him. ‘It’s some sort of ballad?’ she said.

  ‘It’s a Sri Lankan lullaby.’ He avoided her gaze and concentrated of cutting his sandwich in half.

  ‘Uhuh. And you’re humming it because…?’

  He took his plate over to the table. ‘Earworm.’

  Cara said nothing, but he could feel her gaze boring into his back. After a while, she came and sat next to him, bringing her custard creams with her. ‘Sahan,’ she said. ‘Are you okay? You’ve been a bit distracted lately. Are you starting to stress out about exams?’

  Sahan finished his mouthful and shook his head. ‘No. I’m okay, Cara. Honestly.’ He paused to examine her face. She looked pale and tired, but then they all did these days. The impending threat of exams put a strain on everyone. ‘How about you?’

  She rubbed her eyes. ‘I’m okay.’ She pulled a face. ‘Well maybe a bit stressed, but otherwise okay. I mean, we’re all a bit stressed this year, right?’

  ‘Nate?’

  Cara smiled. ‘Everyone except Nate. That guy, honestly. He doesn’t seem to worry about anything and then boom! Straight A’s. So irritating.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ said Sahan.

  Cara dunked a custard cream in her tea. ‘But that’s why we love him, right?’

  Sahan took another bite of his sandwich. Cara loved Nate, he knew. They were, to him, the template of an ideal relationship. They were friends. They respected each other and teased one another. He would love to have that with someone, one day. But then again, he saw the way they reached for each other sometimes and he could never do that. Not without thinking of Tamsin. He put down his lunch.

  ‘What are you guys going to do after exams finish?’ he said.

  Cara smiled. ‘I’m going to look for a job. Nate’s got to get through the rest of medical school.’

  ‘Are you going to get married?’

  ‘Might do,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘But you love Nate, right? And he loves you.’ They would go off and start a grown-up life together. While he, Sahan, had no idea what he wanted from life.

  ‘Doesn’t mean we have to get married,’ said Cara. She put her head to one side and scrutinized him. ‘What’s that face for? What are you thinking?’

  Sahan pulled his thoughts back in. Things had to change. That was life. He should be happy for his friends. ‘I was just thinking that you guys have been so kind to me. You know, after the whole Tamsin thing. I know it was weird.’

  Cara shrugged. ‘We’re your friends. That’s what friends do.’

  ‘I know, but well, you still look after me a bit. I don’t know how I can thank you.’

  She laughed. ‘You don’t have to, you know. Like I said, it’s what friends do. Tell you what though, if you want to keep the karma balance going, just pay it forward. Be a good friend to someone else.’

  He smiled at her and shook his head. ‘I will do that.’ He stood up and took what was left of his sandwich to eat in his room. Thinking about Tamsin had ruined his appetite, but it would return in time.

  ‘Er… Sahan,’ said Cara. ‘Are you likely to come out for a quiet drink at the weekend?’

  He paused and turned. ‘Why?’

  ‘I happen to know that one of my friends likes you and—’

  ‘No.’ He knew she meant Bex. He couldn't handle girls flirting with him. Not yet.

  ‘Oh come on, Sahan. She’s really nice and really non-threatening. It’s been ages. You can’t let Tamsin ruin everything for you for ever.’

  ‘No,’ said Sahan. ‘I… can’t. I’ve got too much revision to do.’

  ‘Sahan…’ Cara stood up and came over to stand in front of him. ‘You have to let it go.’

  ‘You don’t understand, I can’t! Every time a woman tries to flirt with me, to touch me, all I can think about is what happened with Tamsin. I don’t ever want to be in that position again. Ever.’

  ‘But Sahan, most girls aren't like that. You can’t let it stop you from leading a normal life. That means she’s won.’

  When he said nothing, she sighed and said, ‘Besides, you can’t study all the time. You’ll go crazy.’

  Which was a good point. He grabbed a glass of water and headed back to his room.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ he told Cara as he went out. ‘But I’m not promising anything.’

  Several hours of study later, he realised he was humming again. An image of Soma drifted across his mind. It must be lonely for her, being stuck in the house with Louie all day. Yamuna and Bim were great, but not exactly keen conversationalists. He thought about Cara’s comment on paying it forward. He smiled. He knew just how to do that and take a break from his studies at the same time.

  * * *

  Yamuna rubbed her eyes and reached for her tea. Her inbox was more or less clear now. She’d achieved this by deleting anything older than a week and ruthlessly going through what was left. It was like coming back to a new job again. She had hoped that this would be the one place where she was still the bright and competent person she had been before she got pregnant. Instead, she felt ill-informed and at sea. It seemed so unfair that Louie had ruined this for her as well.

  She glanced at the pile of reading that was on one side of her desk. The folders that leaned against the windowsill were all familiar, but she couldn’t remember a single thing that was in them. But in the lab, where she was easing herself back into it by helping one of the PhD students with a DNA prep, the pipette had fitted back into her palm as though there was a groove ready for it. There must be a separate muscle memory that childbearing couldn’t touch.

  A colleague had said, ‘Don’t worry, it’ll come back… well, most of it will anyway. For the rest there’s Post-its.’

  Yamuna had laughed at the time, but the words were horrifyingly true. It was as though someone had found her short term memory files and deleted them all. She had suddenly become incapable of retaining any information. When had this happened? Why?

  Her tea was cold. She grimaced and put the mug back down. Would things ever get back to the way they had been before Louie? Louie. She felt a twinge
of guilt. She hadn’t thought about Louie all afternoon. What kind of a mother was she that she could forget to think about him? She wondered if anyone else had noticed that she hadn’t mentioned him unless someone asked. Did they think she was a cold bitch?

  Perhaps she should call home and check how things were going. She pulled her phone out of her pocket. But Soma wouldn’t answer the phone. She had been told to call if anything went wrong, but no one had instructed her to answer the phone and the girl wouldn’t use her initiative like that. Even if she did answer the phone to someone, she wouldn’t have been able to understand what was said anyway.

  For a moment, Yamuna distracted herself by wondering how much English her nanny spoke. She must understand something, surely? How could she not? She seemed fairly bright, if unusually subservient.

  She had never heard Soma speak English though, apart from ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when they were at the bank. As far as she was concerned, it didn’t matter. Louie would learn Sinhalese from his nanny and they already seemed to understand each other well enough. Louie was happy with Soma. She didn’t need to check on him. He would be happier with her than he’d ever been with his mother. Yamuna scowled and put the phone back in her pocket.