This Stolen Life

by This Stolen Life (retail) (epub)

  Yamuna sighed. ‘Bim, can you pass me a paper towel please?’

  Bim didn’t respond.

  ‘Bim!’

  ‘Sorry? Yes. What?’ He looked up and seemed surprised to see her.

  ‘Pass a paper—Oh. Never mind. Here. Hold your son a minute.’

  She thrust Louie towards his father, who looked completely bewildered. Yamuna looked down and noticed that while Louie had been nuzzling her, he had left a trail of slime on her top.

  Bim was staring at Louie like he wasn’t sure what a baby was.

  Yamuna snapped. ‘Take him.’

  Bim took Louie in his arms and held him awkwardly, as though afraid he would break. Normally, Yamuna would have helped him adjust his grip so that Louie was comfortable, but right now she didn’t have the energy to care for a grown man as well as a baby. ‘I’m going to change my top and get some wipes for the bag,’ she called over her shoulder as she headed up the stairs.

  In her room, she pulled her top off over her head and rummaged around until she found a clean t-shirt. Downstairs, Louie started to cry. Yamuna cursed under her breath and pulled on the clean top. Bim didn’t know the first thing about babies. He barely cared about the child at all.

  She ran upstairs to get more wet wipes. Why had she told Soma to go out? If Soma had been here, she would have kept Louie happy until they were ready to go out. No. She relied too much on Soma. The girl deserved her day off. She worked hard.

  Yamuna clattered down the stairs and found Bim pacing the kitchen, trying to bounce Louie up and down to cheer him up. This seemed to annoy Louie even more. Bim’s face was a study in confusion and mild panic.

  Yamuna threw the wipes into the bag and sighed. ‘Here,’ she said, holding her arms out. ‘Let me take him.’

  Bim handed Louie to her with a look of relief.

  Yamuna popped Louie on her hip and picked up the bag without looking at Bim.

  ‘We’re going to the shops,’ she said. ‘We will be back in a bit.’

  She took Louie outside and, for some reason, he stopped crying. ‘What?’ she said to him. ‘You just wanted to leave the kitchen?’

  He looked at her, his bottom lip still sticking out.

  She managed to get him into the car and strapped him into his car seat, before the first tears leaked out. Leaving the door open, she leaned against the car and had a little cry. She was tired of making excuses for Bim’s vagueness. When they were first married, she’d thought the fact that he was polite and helpful when she asked for help was good enough, but now it wasn’t. She organized everything for Louie, even if Soma carried out the actions. She didn’t have the energy to have to organize Bim’s paternal duties as well.

  If she was a bad mother, Bim was a worse father. He didn’t seem to realise Louie was there most of the time. Poor baby. Born to the most useless parents in the world. If only there was someone she could talk to. Before Louie was born, when she was pregnant and full of hope and vision, there had been her NCT friends and people at work, who gave her advice based on their years of experience. She had soaked all of that up, assuming that she would be the same as them and that Bim would notice her and their son. But Louie wasn’t like other babies. He cried all the time. Yamuna, sleep-deprived and rattled, was snappy. Bim had got more distant, not less, and who could blame him? And worst of all, Yamuna was deficient in the one thing that everyone seemed to have – motherly love. She couldn't confess that to anyone. Least of all to those mothers who had all the natural instincts they needed.

  There was only Soma to talk to now and she couldn’t ask a servant for advice. Not if she wanted to maintain any semblance of being the boss. So she was alone. She had to weather this by herself.

  Yamuna dried her eyes. She checked on Louie, who was intently chewing on one of the toys hanging from the car seat hood. Okay. She needed the pram base. Still fighting tears, Yamuna went back to get it. When she looked in the kitchen, Bim had already disappeared back to his study.

  * * *

  Soma got to the end of the avenue. Ahead of her, the bigger road loomed, with its busy traffic and small shops packed together in a confusing mass. She slowed down. Even from where she was, a few yards before the main road, she could tell that there were a lot of people around. Not just old people and mothers with prams, like there usually were, but people of all ages and shapes and sizes. Did she have to nod and smile at them all? What if one of them tried to talk to her? What would she do anyway? She didn’t want to buy anything. Her heart beat faster and she felt the prickle of cold sweat on her back and neck.

  She didn’t want to do this. She knew the route to the park and never deviated from it. Once she stepped off this road onto another, she might get lost. How would she find the way back? She stopped walking, breathing hard.

  No. This was a bad idea. She had been out of the house for about twenty minutes now. Madam had mentioned taking Louie out to Mothercare to buy him some new clothes. If she walked back slowly, maybe Madam would have gone. If not, she could always claim she’d forgotten something and had to come back. She glanced back at the main road, with its bustle and noise. No. It was too much. Even for the brave new Soma. She turned around and set off back to the house.

  Still, she had done it. She had gone for a walk, outside the house, by herself.

  She reached the house. It was hard to tell from the outside whether Madam was still in. Soma was so busy looking intently at the windows to check for movement that she didn’t realise immediately that someone had called her name.

  ‘Somavathi.’ Kemasiri had appeared right next to her.

  Soma shied away, startled. Where had he popped up from?

  ‘I was calling you, didn’t you hear?’ he said. ‘Your Madam said you had gone out. I thought you might not have gone far, so I thought I’d wait.’

  ‘Uh. I… yes. Not far.’ What now? She took another step back, away from him. He was dressed in a thick coat and had a hat pulled over his ears. Dressed for the outdoors, so he hadn’t come as a driver with his master. Did that mean he had come especially to see her? What could he want?

  As though sensing her confusion, he said, ‘I have the day off today. Your Madam said that you were off today too.’ He smiled, showing uneven, discoloured teeth. ‘Maybe we can spend some of that time together.’ His glance moved quickly, searching her face, his expression keen.

  She couldn’t think what to say to him. Spending the day with him was the last thing she wanted to do. If only she had kept to her nice, safe room. She could have pretended not to be in.

  ‘It would be nice, to talk to someone in Sinhalese,’ he said. ‘Away from work, I mean. Just to chat.’

  He was staring at her with an almost pleading expression on his face. She felt a pang of sympathy. It was lonely. Even with the pressure she had of being someone else, it was a strain to be subservient and helpful all the time. She understood his desire to talk to someone who didn’t feel they could give him orders. A friend. But she couldn’t do that. She didn’t know him. Didn’t trust him. Lonely, he may be, but there was something about him that made her uncomfortable.

  He seemed to take her hesitation as a good sign. ‘So, what about it? We can go for a cup of tea.’ He was beaming at her now, as though sure she would agree. ‘Come.’

  She caught a whiff of cigarettes as he spoke. Her stomach squeezed.

  ‘I… have some things I need to do,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid I can’t.’

  The smile winked out. ‘What things to do?’ he said. ‘Your Madam said you had gone to the shops. You’ve done that now.’

  ‘Other… things.’ She backed a little further away, towards the garage. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t.’

  He stepped forward, closing the gap again, bringing with him the smell of cigarettes.

  ‘I’m sure you could spare a few minutes for a cup of tea. There aren’t many other Sri Lankans around here. Not like us. I’ve come all this distance to see you.’

  ‘It’s very kind of you.’ She
looked around. A few people walked past; no one seemed to notice there was anything untoward. Her heart pounded, trying to escape from her chest. ‘But I don’t—’

  He stopped advancing and glared at her. ‘What? Am I not good enough for you to have tea with? Is that it?’

  She had to think of something to mollify him. She didn’t need enemies. ‘I… have someone… back home.’

  That gave him pause. She pulled her keys out of her pocket. That was a good excuse. A likely one too. Surely, he would go away now.

  He narrowed his eyes. ‘Which home would that be?’ he said. ‘Matara?’

  Her mouth went dry. She had hoped he’d forgotten about that. She must sound more sure of herself. ‘Of course.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’

  What did he mean by that? He was watching her, eyes glittering, like a cat. Had he guessed? What did he know? Was he somehow connected to those letters?

  Behind her there was a clank and a whirr. The garage door started to open. Madam was just leaving now.

  Kemasiri glared at the slowly rising garage door and then back at Soma. His nostrils flared. He turned on his heel and strode off, muttering ‘snooty bitch’.

  Thank goodness. Soma ducked under the rising door and entered the garage, sidling in next to the car.

  Madam slid her window down. ‘What did he want?’ she said, nodding to Kemasiri’s retreating back.

  Soma hesitated. Her first instinct was to say nothing, but if Madam knew that Kemasiri wasn’t welcome, maybe she would provide some protection if he came back. ‘He wanted me to have tea with him,’ she said. ‘I didn’t want to.’ She glanced at the road. He had disappeared around the corner. ‘I told him to go away.’

  Madam nodded, frowning. ‘Okay. Good.’ In the back of the car, Louie gave a little squawk.

  ‘We’ll be back in a few hours,’ Madam said.

  Soma stood back, leaning against the rough breezeblock wall, so that she was well out of the way. Once the car had pulled out, she dashed into the house and locked the door before the garage door had closed again. Leaning against the kitchen door, she resolved that she was never going out alone again.

  * * *

  Later that week, Soma picked up the post to put it on the stairs, like she always did, when a rough brown envelope caught her eye. Another letter from Sri Lanka. Her stomach dropped. She glanced across at Louie, who was sitting on the floor a little way off, contentedly playing with his toy giraffe. She sat down on the stairs, the letter in her hands. This one had been sent directly to her, rather than via the agency – the name written in Sinhalese above the address written in English. They were getting closer. They knew where she lived. Her pulse grew louder in her ears. She couldn’t throw the letter away and pretend it had never showed up… could she? No. She would only wonder what was in it. It was probably best to read it now. Get it over with.

  She checked on Louie again. He was okay. She took a deep breath and ripped the letter open. She scanned it quickly, searching for any suggestion that they were coming to look for her. There wasn’t one. Relieved, she read it again. Why didn’t she write? Didn’t she know her mother was worried about her? They missed her. Why had she not sent any money home? What was the matter? Why was she being like this? Questions, questions. In them she saw the mounting confusion of a mother who was fighting against the conclusion that her child no longer wanted any contact with her.

  She put the letter down and stared into space. They thought that Somavathi was okay, but that she had decided to disown her family. The pain of that was clear… Somavathi’s mother had done nothing to deserve that. There was nothing she could do to make things better for her. It was too risky. At least this way they were spared the knowledge that Somavathi was dead. It still left open the chance that they would try to come and find her. But people living in a village like the one she herself had grown up in wouldn’t be able to afford a flight… but if they knew someone who lived here… like Kemasiri?

  Louie grizzled. He had dropped the toy and was wriggling on his tummy, trying to reach it. Soma checked her watch. Nearly time to go to the park. Soma took a deep breath and pulled her thoughts away from the knot of terror in her midriff. She had to focus on the fact that they weren’t coming to find her. It was very unlikely anyone would come. She was safe. For the moment. She stuffed the letter into her pocket and stood up.

  ‘Come on baby Louie.’ She scooped him up and breathed in the baby smell of him, her relief making her appreciate him all the more. ‘Let’s go see your uncle Sahan.’

  A few minutes later, she was pushing Louie’s pram briskly through the park. She wished she’d thrown the letter away before she’d left the house. She could feel it, heavy in her pocket, poisoning the day.

  Sahan was standing by their usual bench, reading something on his phone. He looked up when she arrived. ‘Hello.’

  She smiled in response. Sahan came round the side of the pram and peered in. ‘Hello Louie.’ He reached in and tickled the baby, who gurgled.

  Soma realised she’d barely glanced at Louie since leaving the house. She couldn’t let that letter distract her from her job. Louie was more important than anything. She watched Sahan and Louie pulling faces at each other and reminded herself that she was lucky to have this. The weather was warmer now and there was actual sunlight. Not the pressing hot sun that she was used to, but a gentle one that warmed without burning. It made everything better.

  Sahan looked up and the sun caught his eyes, making them look a liquid brown. Soma drew a breath. Yes. She was lucky to have this. Even if it all came tumbling down around her tomorrow, she would at least have had it for a few months. A job, a safe place to live, her own room and Sahan, her special friend. This was a good life and it was hers.

  ‘We should walk,’ she said. ‘Louie is very wide awake right now, but it is his nap time.’ She started walking.

  ‘I have a new book for you,’ said Sahan. He fell into step beside her. He didn’t speak, which was unusual. He looked thoughtful. It was almost as though the letter was spreading its influence to him too. She sneaked a glance at him. Had something happened? Had the people from Somavathi’s past somehow got in touch with him too? She tried to think if she’d seen any telltale brown envelopes arrive for Madam. No, she couldn’t remember seeing that. But that didn’t mean they hadn’t.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked Sahan.

  He looked across at her, the small frown still on his forehead. ‘Soma,’ he said. ‘Do you mind me meeting you like this?’

  That wasn’t what she was expecting. Where was this going? ‘Of course I don’t mind. You are helping me to read. We are… friends.’

  ‘You’re not allowing me to hang around with you and Louie because you’re afraid to tell me not to?’

  ‘No. I like… I like speaking to you.’

  ‘If I am annoying you, you mustn’t be afraid to tell me to go away.’ He stopped walking and turned to her, making her stop too. ‘You mustn’t be afraid to tell me anything.’

  ‘I’m not afraid of you.’ She responded without thinking, but the minute she said it, she realised that it was true. He was a man and she wasn’t afraid of him. ‘I am not afraid of you,’ she repeated, to check if she really meant it. She did. ‘You’re my friend.’

  ‘A friend,’ he said. He looked thoughtful for a moment, as though he was trying the idea on for size. Then he smiled. ‘I’m glad to be your friend.’

  They resumed walking. Soma shot another glance across at Sahan. Not only was she not afraid of him, but being with him made her feel less afraid of everything else. She had started off thinking he was handsome. When she was with him, she’d imagined she was in a film. It had been a harmless few minutes in a fantasy world. But now she had really got to know him, she could see beyond the Bollywood ideal to the complicated human being underneath and she still liked what she saw. He was kind and gentle and didn’t push her to do anything. He made her feel safe. With that thought came another realis
ation. Friendship didn’t cover what he meant to her. It was far more than that. She was falling in love with him.

  And that was a bad thing, because it would have to end sometime.

  * * *

  By the time she got home, Louie was asleep. Soma quietly ran water into the kitchen sink. When it was half full, she pulled out the letter. This new life was hers. Not Somavathi’s. She had made it what it was and it, in turn, had made her anew.

  Her baby brother’s death and what had followed had changed Jaya from a lively, chatty child who was consistently at the top of her class, into a withdrawn and frightened other person. She had escaped from that world. The decision to take Somavathi’s passport had whipped her into a strange dream, where she’d shuffled past men with guns and sat on a flight, too frightened to go to the toilet. The high state of terror had burned inside her, shutting down all thoughts that weren’t essential to getting her through the barriers undetected. It had seared her, cleansed her until she had become someone else. She wasn’t Jaya any more. She wasn’t Somavathi either. She was Soma. Someone entirely her own. And she was going to stay that way.

  She tore the letter and envelope into pieces and dropped them into the warm water. Pushing in with both hands, she held the pieces under until they softened and blurred. She tore the pieces into even smaller bits and churned them about until the water was full of grey pulp. Scooping out the mush, she squeezed it in a fist, tighter and tighter until there was nothing left of Somavathi’s letter but a hard, unrecognisable lump. Then she threw it away.

  Chapter Thirteen

  By the end of the Friday night shift, Sahan was ready to drop. A mild night always meant more customers at the restaurant and this one had been no exception. On the other hand, the tips had been good. He had learned long ago that a sincere looking smile could earn him almost an hour’s wages in a few seconds. The leftover food had been divided up between the staff, so he had a nice bag of curry to take home. His bus was in a couple of minutes, so he grabbed his coat and ran out ahead of the other guys.