PTSD was the official diagnosis. After years in a war zone. I battled it every day. Took the meds. Saw the professionals or attended a group when I needed to. Tried to avoid the triggers. Self-medicated with booze and beautiful women when nothing else worked. That was my life and without knowing what she was signing on for, this sweet, innocent little beauty was asking to step into a cyclone.
The night terrors meant no overnight dates. Things could get ugly. Violent even, judging by the posts I’d knocked off my bed. Scared the hell out of my dog, so no telling how a woman would react. That was a risk I couldn’t take.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern etching a line between her baby blues. “You okay?”
Okay? I hadn’t felt okay in so long I couldn’t even remember what ‘normal’ felt like anymore. Sure, I had my good days. Usually when I was distracted writing music. But a day without fear was just a fantasy for me.
That shit burrowed deep and took up residence. It breathed for me. Crawled all over my skin. Made me ache and scream. Like I was losing my mind. My grip. My life.
“We need to talk.”
I took her hand, leading her back to the table we’d claimed to get a little space from our friends. I’d let a couple of buddies drag me out tonight and she was there with a group of girlfriends, but as soon as I locked in on her standing at the bar, I knew what I wanted.
She reached for my hand across the table as soon as we were sitting down. “I’m twenty-two,” she said, smiling. “So, if that’s what you’re worried about—”
“It’s not.”
I didn’t share this shit with most of the women I slept with but most weren’t as young and innocent as I suspected Sky was. As soon as my other hook-ups heard I’d been in the military, they suspected some darkness and demons. But I wasn’t sure Sky knew what to expect with me.
“So, I, uh told you I was in the military…” I rubbed my thumb over her hand, trying to distract myself. Damn she had the softest hands. Made me wonder if every inch of her sweet little body was as soft.
“So was my brother,” she said, gently. “I get it, Archer.”
We shared a look that seemed to defy words and I suddenly knew she did get it. Someone she loved had suffered too, and she’d hurt right along with him. The way my family felt my pain in the months after I returned and tried to adjust to civilian life.
I nodded, grateful I didn’t have to try and express all the ugliness that defied words.
“My brother took his own life,” she said, her voice breaking. “We tried to help him, but couldn’t. He was just too far gone. No one could reach him.”
“Jesus, I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes, thinking of all my brothers who’d lost their lives the same way. Taken by the inner demons that were too powerful to conquer.
“So am I.” She sighed. “I think about him every day.” Her eyes met mine and she said, “And every day I wish he’d made a different choice. Become a mechanic or a goddamn plumber. Anything.” Pain etched lines in her smooth face when she said, “He was a hero. So are you. And I’m so grateful that guys like you have the courage to do what you do, but…” She shook her head. “It’s a high price to pay. Sometimes I think it’s too high.”
My gut twisted. Damn. This girl really got me. She’d lived my pain, through someone she loved. She knew about the dark thoughts. The vicious nightmares. The fallen brothers. She told her brother’s story the same way my sister probably would have told mine. With pride, sadness, and heart-wrenching helplessness.
“The PTSD—”
“Is a bitch,” she said, her full lips twisting. “I know. I’ve seen what it can do to a man.”
“It’s a daily battle.”
I hated showing weakness. As a solider it wasn’t part of my make-up, but as a man, I’d had to make peace with it. The strength to fight another day meant being open and vulnerable when I needed to be. This was one of those times.
“You must hate letting new people in to your life.” She looked up at me through a thick veil of lashes as she played with a silver ring on her finger. “My brother stopped dating because he couldn’t trust himself to be ‘normal’ for a few hours,” she said, making air quotes around the word.
“It’s not easy,” I conceded, wondering how the hell she seemed able to read my mind.
“I tried telling him the women who’d be scared off by his issues weren’t worth the effort.” Her smile was sad when she looked at me. “I’m not expecting us to be a thing,” she said, gesturing between us. “You’ve got your life and I’ve got mine. Just know that if you do decide to take me home tonight, you don’t have to worry. Whatever happens, I won’t be scared. I won’t judge you. And I could never think less of you.”
She licked her lips, suddenly looking nervous. “In fact, I respect you more than any other guy I’ve…” She shook her head. “I just respect you a lot. You’re a good guy. Brave. Strong. Selfless. That tells me all I need to know about you.”
“I don’t know what to say.” There were words trapped in my throat that wanted to pour out. Thank you. God, you’re beautiful. Let’s see where this could take us…
“I’m going to hit the ladies room and let my friends know I’m leaving.” She leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “When I get back you can let me know if I’m leaving with you. No pressure though. Whatever you want, I’m cool with that.”
There was no doubt about whether I was taking her home. And when I slammed her up against my heavy oak door and plundered her mouth with my tongue, I knew I’d made the right call. She felt like home. Her body molded to mine. Our hearts beat in unison. Her eyes nailed mine, revealing thoughts that mirrored my own.
What the hell is this?
Our kisses were hungry as we stripped each other’s clothes off.
My old dog hopped off the sectional and made his way to the door to see why I was so fired up but with her lips on my neck and her hand in my pants, I found the voice to tell him to go lay down. Thank god he was well trained.
“Bedroom,” I muttered, tossing her bra aside. “Down the hall.”
She glanced to her left and right before spotting the hallway that led to four bedrooms with adjoining baths.
I had a big house. Lots of property. Over the past ten years I’d written dozens of hit songs and the royalties just kept rolling in. I needed something to spend my money on and I wasn’t into flashy shit, like cars and jewelry, so a nice house it was.
I shifted us as the kissing continued, so I was walking backwards, leading her to the master bedroom at the end of the hall.
“Skylar.” I closed my hands around her face, questioning my sanity. “You sure about this, baby? If you—”
“I want you.” She silenced every one of my fears with the sweetest kiss. “Please, Archer.”
I forced air into my lungs as I tried to memorize her face. I’d had plenty of one-night stands over the years. Most were like medicine. A temporary distraction from the twister battering my skull. But I’d never wanted to remember every detail of a night the way I wanted to commit this one to memory.
I flipped the switch on the wall, sliding the dimmer switch down so the room was bathed in soft light. I wanted to watch her when she gave it up for me. Every single time.
The air hissed through her teeth as she glanced around the room. “Wow, this is some bedroom, huh?”
I’d replaced the four-poster with a safer option. A king sleigh bed facing a floor to ceiling stone fireplace. A wall of windows. A sitting area with a leather sectional and a dressing room with wall to wall built-ins. It was luxury beyond anything I’d ever expected to have, but it reminded me every day that my life was different now. Uncle Sam didn’t own me anymore. I’d made a new life for myself and it belonged only to me.
She smiled, flattening her palm against my bare chest. “Song writing must pay well.”
She’d told me she was an aspiring singer. But we lived in Nashville. Every other girl I met was an aspiring singer or songwriter. Few
ever made it. But given how supportive Sky had been of me, I hoped she’d be one of the lucky ones.
“I do alright.” I had nothing to prove to anyone. I’d been inducted into the Hall of Fame, won countless awards for my music. But I tried to let the songs speak for themselves. If my name was attached to it, I made sure it was the best it could possibly be before I handed it off to the artist who would take it to the top of the charts.
“I love how humble you are.” Her fingertip traced my lower lip. “I know who you are, Archer.”
I stiffened, wondering if she’d targeted me after talking to the bartender. Maybe she’d asked him if there were any big fish to hook and he pointed to me. It wouldn’t be the first time a woman hit me up with dollar signs in her eyes, but I didn’t want to believe Skylar was like that.
“A girl doesn’t go home with a guy without Googling him these days,” she said, taking a step back. “Not unless she has a death wish.”
I relaxed, reaching for her. Of course she was right to do a little digging before we hit the sheets. I couldn’t blame her for being cautious. Girls were taking their lives into their hands when they had one-night stands and even though I’d never harm a hair on her gorgeous head, she didn’t know me from Adam and that must be scary as hell for her.
“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “Just been burned a couple of times before. Girls who knew the score, but refused to play by the rules.” I let my lips trail down her neck before she curled her hands around my biceps, pushing me away.
“The rules?” she echoed. “Meaning the one and done thing?”
I swallowed, wondering if I could risk more with her. “Yeah.”
She nodded. “Good to know.”
“Sky—”
She pressed her fingertip against my lips. “No more talking. You don’t have to worry. I promise to play by the rules.” Linking her hand through mine, she backed up, letting her legs hit the edge of the mattress before she fell back, beckoning to me.
I took a minute to admire her. I’d slept with a lot of beautiful women, but Sky put them all to shame. It wasn’t just her tight little body, silky hair, or creamy skin. It went way beyond the packaging. It was the way her smile lit up her face and made me smile right back. Her eyes sparkled with interest when she leaned in to hear my story, like I really mattered to her.
“If I could read minds…” She planted her little foot in the middle of my chest, making me grin.
“I’m glad you can’t. Then you’d know all the filthy things I want to do to you.” I wasn’t lying. If this was my one and only shot, I was going to brand myself in her memory. Go down as the best she’d ever had.
She laughed when I grabbed her ankles and spread her legs. “Why do I get the feeling I’ll be using this as a play-by-play reference for my husband someday? So he’ll know how to pleasure me just right.”
My smile slipped as my body tensed. Her husband? Fuck, why did those word make my gut churn? I knew she was single. She told me she broke up with a serious boyfriend more than a year ago. But was she still talking to him, thinking about getting back together? And why the hell did I care?
“Can’t promise you won’t see my face every time a guy does this, baby.”
I knelt down, wrestling the jealousy battering me as I imagined someone else pleasuring her. It wasn’t supposed to feel this way. We were just having fun, nothing more.
That knowledge didn’t stop me from losing myself in her. Like my life depended on being the best she’d ever had or would have.
Her moans slid over my skin, warming all the cold places no one else could reach as I slowly consumed her. There was sex. And then there was the trip I had in store for Sky tonight. They were two very different things.
Hearing my name slip past her lips as she writhed in my hands urged me on. Not that I needed much encouragement. She tasted like honey and felt like silk. Her voice was raspy, on the raw and ragged edge of wild and I wanted to push her over.
“Please, oh god, please…”
Her plea made me feel powerful, reminding me there were moments, like this one, that I could still control. She was letting me own her tonight. Giving me her body, her bliss, letting me lead her to a sexual experience she’d never forget.
“Right there, oh, I…”
I closed my eyes, savouring the sweet flow that tasted like heaven and burned like hell, because I knew I might never experience it again. I didn’t want to let up, to let this moment end, but her helpless cries made me relent.
“Wow,” she whispered, reaching for me. “Archer… I…wow.”
I chuckled, letting my lips wander up her body before stalling at her breasts. I curled my hand around one while drawing the other peak into my mouth.
Her small hands got tangled in my hair, tugging gently to bring my mouth back to hers.
She looked into my eyes before she said, “I love the way you kiss me.”
I didn’t just kiss her. I made love to her with my mouth. Exploring her, absorbing her sweet moans while winding her silky hair around my fist. Dipping, retreating, tangling my tongue with hers until she was gasping and raking her nails across my back.
I wanted the pain, the burn. I wanted to see the evidence when I looked in the bathroom mirror in the morning. To remember all the ways I’d pleasured her and we’d lost ourselves in each other. Maybe some of those good memories we made could chase away my bad.
“You on the pill?”
She was wide-eyed when she nodded.
I didn’t know why the hell I’d asked her that. I wasn’t her boyfriend. No way would she let me make love to her without a condom. And I shouldn’t want to. I should have the common sense to want to protect us both, but this girl stirred something primal in me, making me want to possess her and mark her. As mine. Ugh, I had to shut that shit down before I said or did something stupid to ruin this night for both of us.
“Good,” I said, saving myself the embarrassment as I reached into my nightstand for a condom. “Double the protection. Can’t be too careful.”
“Right.” She laughed lightly, sounding relieved. “No babies in my immediate future.”
Babies. God that word stirred up images I had no right to. And how the hell could it be turning me on even more?
Marriage and kids were for other guys. Those who hadn’t witnessed death and destruction first-hand. Who hadn’t soothed dying children or delivered the bullet that sent a man to meet his Maker.
“You okay?” she asked.
I was trembling. Shit. I’d let my guard down and let those thought creep inside my head. I tossed the packet on the nightstand and fell back on the mattress. “Sorry, I just need a minute.”
She curled her body against mine, kissing my lips tenderly. “Take all the time you need. It’s okay.”
I drew a few deep breaths and focused on her hand on my stomach, the arousal still raging. I didn’t want anything to darken this night, sure as hell not the evil, twisted memories that had robbed me of too many years.
This was our night. And I intended to make the most of it. For her sake and for mine.
“Kiss me,” I murmured. “If anything can distract me it’s those lips.”
She perched over me, smiling, as she ran a hand over my scruff. “I’m happy to be your distraction. Any—” She cut herself off, diving in to the kiss.
Anytime. I knew that’s what she was going to say. Those were the words I wanted to hear, but we were both holding back. Being cautious. Trying to play by the stupid rules that didn’t even seem to apply to us. Those rules were for cautious strangers who didn’t want to get in too deep. Even though I’d just met this woman she didn’t feel like a stranger. She felt like a kindred spirit and I hadn’t met too many of those in my life.
The kiss drove all other thoughts out of head as I let her lead me to a place where my body and mind were in sync with hers. Just the two of us existing in this surreal bubble evil couldn’t penetrate.
She gave me a lingering look when s
he pulled away, asking me without words whether I was okay. I nodded, reaching for the condom but her hand snagged it before I could. Her eyes were locked on mine as she tore the package between her straight white teeth.
Her hand slid down my chest, grazing my abs before she clenched me, making the breath I’d been holding seep out between my teeth as I tipped my head back and closed my eyes. The only thing pulsing through my head was raw desire as I imagined all the things I wanted to do to her before sunrise.
I finally had to reach for her wrist, halting her. She was too good, bringing me too close to the edge, and there was no way I was going down like that.
“Put it on, baby.” Baby. A term of endearment meant for couples, not for a beautiful stranger warming my bed for one night. But I couldn’t seem to help myself. I looked into those piercing blue eyes and it sparked a level of intimacy I hadn’t experienced in years. Since before I went to war. With the enemy… and myself.
She bit her lip, her brow furrowing in concentration while she did as I asked.
“Now roll over.” My voice sounded like I’d swallowed a mouthful of sand. Gritty and rough.
Her hair was spread over the downy pillow as I crawled over her, nudging her legs apart with mine. I couldn’t resist one more kiss when she reached for me. I’d give every last million I’d earned to know what she was thinking in that moment, but her truth was locked inside, just like mine.
“Archer…”
I loved the way my name sounded on her lips as I inched inside of her. Slowly, savouring every second I claimed her for the first time. “You feel so damn good, baby.” I wasn’t lying. She fit me like a tight, hot, wet, glove, drawing on all my resolve not to lose it.
I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth and tried like hell to hold back. I didn’t want to rush her like a savage. Sky deserved a man who put her needs first, who made it his mission to please her. And tonight I wanted to be that guy. For her.
“Don’t hold back.”
Dirty Mind (Nashville Outlaws #2) Page 22