“Okay, I need to go. Rachel is picking me up in a few minutes, and I need to be out there waiting.”
So my nemesis had a name.
“Rachel?” If jealousy colored my words, it wasn’t my fault.
He grinned at me. “She’s a coworker. My car is in the shop, and she’s been my ride for the past several days.”
“So she’s not—”
His eyes went wide. “Rachel? Oh no. Her husband, Gavin, is a former football player. He weighs about 260. She’s his everything, and if he even thought I had less than honorable intentions….” Tim shuddered dramatically. “They were at a bar one night, and he went to get drinks. When he came back, he found her sitting at the table, telling this dude who was trying to hit on her that she wasn’t interested. But he was drunk and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
“What did he do?”
Tim chuckled. “He stood there and watched as the guy grabbed her boob, which ended up with her giving the guy two black eyes for not leaving her the hell alone and thinking he could touch her. Believe me, of the two of them, she’s way scarier. She’s tall, slender, and has a model’s looks, and if you disrespect her, she will not hesitate to take you down a peg. She’s a brown belt in judo, so even her husband has the fear of God in him when she’s angry.”
Was it wrong that I was elated she wasn’t his girlfriend and disappointed because I no longer had a nemesis?
A horn sounded, and Tim rushed to the door. He stopped just before he walked out and turned to me. “So you know, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need. We will get through this, but we’ll do it together. Capisce?”
It took a lot of effort not to blurt out that I loved him, especially given the affection I could see in his eyes. “Yeah, I get it. And thank you.”
He grinned. “Don’t worry about it. But I’m gonna want to hear all about what happens when I get home from work tonight. Should be quite a tale.”
“You’re enjoying this.”
“Payback is a bitch.” He winked, then turned and rushed out the door, pulling it shut behind him.
After he left, I went to look up a few things on his computer and—fine, I was procrastinating, don’t judge me—found my brother’s Facebook page. There were pictures of his kids, and of Ryan and his wife—Karen—where they were mugging for the camera. I read a few of his posts, found out about his life, and with every word, I regretted my decisions more and more.
Finally I figured nothing would change if I didn’t suck it up and get busy. I showered and changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. I thought about dressing up for the occasion but then realized this wasn’t something I wanted to go do looking like an undertaker.
My phone pinged, and I glanced down at the screen. I didn’t recognize the number, but the message was clear.
Stop stressing and go.
Who is this?
Like you didn’t know. Get moving, mister.
How did you get my number?
You’re not a light sleeper, so it wasn’t difficult. Now, are you gonna go, or will you continue letting fear control you?
I thought about the question for a few moments before I replied. Is the second one an option?
When he didn’t answer right away, I worried I might have said the wrong thing. Then my phone told me I had a new message. I glanced at the screen.
Haven’t you been afraid long enough?
Yes, I had. I’d been letting fear control me for most of my life. Leaving now. And thank you.
He sent a smiley face emoji, and it made me grin.
THE UBER dropped me off outside my—my mom’s—house. It looked the same as it always had. Well, there were new flowers in the bed out front, bursting with a nauseating pattern of colors.
Mom never did have much of an eye for mixing and matching plants, but they made her happy, so Ryan and I told her they were great. They weren’t. Shades of yellow and blue and purple and…. Actually, they didn’t look as bad as I remembered. I could see she tended them with a lot of care, because they were big and bright and made me smile.
Okay, maybe being an adult wasn’t so bad.
The weird thing? I saw a few spirits during the ride, and I know for a fact they saw me, but they didn’t come to me. In fact, they seemed like they were waiting for something. Whatever. As long as they were leaving me alone, I was okay with that.
The door opened as I strode up the walk, and she stepped outside. It took a moment before she noticed me, but then her eyes went wide.
“Scotty?”
“Hi, Mom.”
It took only another moment before we were hugging each other and both of us were crying. I was trying to find justification for leaving, and all my excuses were for shit. I left everything heaped on her shoulders and ran because I couldn’t handle things. Yes, I was young, and yes, I was scared, but what I did to her—to everyone—was unforgivable.
Tim was right—payback sucked.
“Where have you been? I was so worried.”
“Can we sit down?”
“Yes, yes! Of course.”
She guided me into the house. She’d redecorated, and it looked nice. She ushered me over to the couch, and we sat, her clutching my hand. “I missed you so much.”
“Missed you too, Mom.” The lump in my throat hurt to swallow around. “And I’m so very sorry for worrying you.”
She regarded me expectantly, and I knew I had to tell her something. It wouldn’t be the truth, though. I couldn’t do that to her, especially after everything I’d already put her through.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I went to Chicago for… help. I was so lost when I was at home, and I knew I was hurting you and Ryan, so I thought it would be better if I left. I know now that was a mistake on my part, and I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough.”
Her eyes were misty as she leaned in and hugged me again. “I’m sorry we couldn’t be enough to help you. You know I was going through my own problems. With your father leaving and trying to raise two boys…. Things just got to be too much for me. I started drinking and thought it dulled the pain, but it didn’t. Every morning when I woke up, the problems were still there.”
“We both needed help, and I should have been here for you.”
She scowled. “No. I mean, yes, I wish you had been here, but it wasn’t your job to help me. I had to choose to do it myself. And I did.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a coin that she handed to me. On the one side were two lions, and between them the words Wisdom, Courage, and Serenity. On the reverse was the motto “To Thine Own Self Be True,” and a triangle beneath with the words Unity, Service, Recovery.
I rubbed the coin between my fingers. “I’m glad you found someone to help you.”
“It wasn’t easy. The church group was too preachy for me, so I found a secular group who did the same thing but made me be strong for myself by helping others. I haven’t had a drop in four years.”
I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed hard. “I’m so proud of you, Mom.” She’d taken responsibility, gotten help, and was now helping others. I hid in Chicago, too fucking scared to have a life.
She bit her lip. “Did you get the help you needed?”
A deep sigh rolled out of me. “I thought I did, but I see now that it’s still a work in progress.”
“Your whole life you’ll be a work in progress.” She paused. “So you’re leaving again?” The pain in her voice was unmistakable.
“I have a job in Chicago, but I’m not going to vanish. Can I have your phone?”
She reached into her pocket and drew it out, then handed it to me. I programmed my number in, then called my phone so I would have hers.
“You look good, you know.”
Her cheeks pinked. “Thank you. So do you.”
We sat there for hours, with Mom telling me what she’d been up to. She was seeing a new man, and I couldn’t have been happier for her. And just when I thought things were going well, she dropped a bom
bshell on me.
“He has a gay son too.”
“He… what?”
“Has a gay son,” she repeated, looking at me like I’d grown a second head. “His name is Connor. He’s a sweet boy. You’d like him, I think. Though he’s not really your type.”
My head was spinning. “What do you mean?”
“I always saw you. Even when you thought I didn’t notice, I did. Maybe I was wrong for not telling you, but I hoped you’d come to me. Of course, I wasn’t the kind of mother who you’d want to tell that to, I guess.”
Oh fuck no. “Uh-uh, you can stop that right now. I didn’t run away because I was gay. I ran because…. Because I thought I needed to get help from a professional. My leaving had zero to do with you and nothing at all to do with being gay and…. How did you know?”
She chuckled. “The first place moms look for porn magazines is under the mattress. Boys have been hiding them there for a very long time. Though your brother was a little bit different. He used to hide his in a plastic bag that he velcroed to the underside of the lid of the toilet tank.”
My cheeks heated. “So you found…?”
“Yeah, I saw them. You have good taste in guys. I thought Simon Rex was a cutie. And, damn, that boy’s hung.”
I held up my hands to ward off the evil woman who had taken over my mother. “Oh my God, Mom! Never, ever say that to me again.”
We stared at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing together, and it was cathartic. By the time we got ourselves under control, it was later than I’d thought.
The doorbell rang, and she got up to answer it. I leaned forward so I could see who it was. When she opened the door, there stood Tim, a smile on his face. He leaned in, hugged her, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Is he still here?”
“Yeah. Did you know?”
He held up his hands. “He just showed up yesterday. I didn’t know he was coming, and believe me, if I had, you would have been the first person I’d told.”
They came walking in together, holding hands. Not a twinge of jealousy did I feel. In fact, I was relieved that she had someone while I was off being a prick. He took a seat next to me, and Mom sat on the chair opposite us.
“Have you talked to your brother yet?”
“No. I went to see Tim, then came over here. How’s he doing? I looked him up on Facebook. His kids are adorable.”
“So is Karen. She’s been good for him. He was angry for a long time, especially after you went away.”
It couldn’t have hurt more if she had punched me in the stomach. “Mom, I—”
“Did what you had to. If anyone understands that, it’s me. Ryan and I were estranged for a time too. Between you being gone and him staying away, it made me look hard at myself and got me to take steps to fix the problem.” She stood up and blew out a breath. “I want tea. Would anyone else like some?”
“Sure, I’ll have some.”
I shook my head. “No, but thank you.”
“I can make coffee, or I have some soda in the fridge. How about a glass of water?”
“He’ll have water.”
I twisted toward Tim. “I will?”
“Yes, you will. You need to drink something.”
And I knew he was right. The last twenty-four hours had taken a lot more out of me than I thought. “Okay. I’ll take a glass of water, if you don’t mind.”
She smiled at Tim, then mouthed “thank you” before saying, “Coming right up.” She hustled into the kitchen, leaving me and Tim alone.
“So?”
“She doesn’t hate me.”
“I told you.”
Smug bastard. But I guess he had a reason to be. He wasn’t wrong. At least not this time.
When Mom came back, the three of us sat around and talked about old times. I had a twinge of sorrow, knowing Tim’s mom wasn’t with us in body or in spirit. I’d never believed in an afterlife until I saw Jeff. Well, okay, to be fair, I hadn’t thought about it until that ghost in class slashed me across the chest. That guy I wanted crushed into a paste and dumped down the nearest garbage disposal.
“What about Ryan?”
Tim huffed. “Him you might have a problem with. He’s forgiven your mom, but you, I’m not so sure.”
“Please. He hasn’t forgiven me since I died and ruined his summer. He was a dick to me from then on.”
“That’s enough! For God’s sake, Scotty, are you always going to be an asshole?”
Now, if Tim had said that, I would have laughed it off. But when my mother was the one who talked like that? She sat there, a steely glint in her eye that spoke of barely restrained anger.
“What do you mean?”
“Your brother loves you. He was devastated when you left, especially when you disappeared without a word. Leaving a note that says I should tell him goodbye if I wanted? That was a total crap move. By the way, I didn’t tell him that. I told him you loved him very much, but you felt you had to go away for a while. Even though you ran out on us, I still covered for you, and I won’t have you sit there and talk about Ryan, who went ahead and found a way to get through the loss of his brother.”
God, I thought I was done being a dick. Seemingly it went a little deeper than I’d thought. I was still thinking of Ryan in terms of the little boy who told me I’d ruined his life, and not the father and husband he’d become.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yes, you’re sorry now. But what about when you were gone? You couldn’t once pick up a phone and call to let us know you were okay? You left us hanging by our fingernails, hoping every day that someone wouldn’t come along and pry them off the ledge. You don’t know how many times the phone rang and we cringed, thinking that day would be the one someone told us you were dead.”
Before I could speak, she held up a hand and continued.
“I get it, really. But you need to start thinking about someone other than yourself for a change. You’re twenty-four now, and it’s high time you grew up.” She took a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I’m not one to talk, but you have to ask yourself if we’re wrong to be hurt and upset. You left us, Scott. Instead of asking for help, you bailed.”
Anger surged through me. She had no idea what my life had been like when I lived at home. How many ghosts I’d seen, dripping blood, body parts missing, skin peeling off. Do you know what it’s like to see a bloated baby, his skin black and mouth agape? Tell me that wouldn’t fuck anyone up.
I leaped up, my fists clenched at my side and my face burning. I glared at my mother, and before I could stop myself, I spat out, “No, Mom, you don’t get it. No one does. I know you think some tough love will straighten me out, but not one person will ever understand what I went through.”
Tim reached out and put his hand on my wrist. Instantly I calmed and sat back down. He continued holding it while he addressed Mom.
“I hate to say it, Andrea, but he’s right. He is—was—in a very dark place, and I don’t think any of us could grasp how bad it was for him. I get that Ryan is probably still angry, and I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be, but Scotty is hurting too. And we have to forgive him for what happened, because holding on to that hurt means the pain is never going away for any of us. And if we can’t do that, then it’s going to tear all of us apart.”
She gasped. “I don’t want that to happen. I lost my son for five years, and I’m not willing to let him go again.”
“Good, that makes two of us. I think we all have to acknowledge that each of us has a right to deal with our anger however we see fit. We can’t judge one another for how we feel, because none of us can understand the things in each other’s hearts.”
He started to move his hand, but I grabbed it before he could take it away. “He’s right, and I’m sorry, Mom. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. But he’s also right about me having been in a bad place. I saw things that no one should have to see, and it screwed me up pretty bad.”
I smiled and reached for her. She held out her hand, and I had a connection with both of them. “Maybe one day, after I figure it out, I can. Like a wise woman once said, my whole life is a work in progress.”
She squeezed my hand and graced me with a soft smile that told me it would take work on our parts, but eventually we’d be okay once more.
And now I had to deal with Ryan, and wasn’t I just looking forward to that?
In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, the answer was a resounding no.
Chapter Five
TIM AND I spent the remainder of the afternoon talking with Mom. By the time he and I left, we’d all shed more than a few tears. As we left, Mom hugged me and made me swear I wouldn’t disappear again. That was an easy promise to make.
When we got back to Tim’s, I was exhausted. The first thing I did after we walked through the door was flop down on his couch, an arm over my eyes.
He patted my shoulder. “You did good today.”
At first I thought he was being sarcastic, but when I took my arm away and saw his warm smile, it told me otherwise. “Thanks.”
He went to the refrigerator and grabbed us each a soda, returned to the couch, handed one to me, then sat down beside me. “How you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been wrung out, dragged through the mud, then scrubbed against a rock.”
He chuckled. “I don’t want to be the one to say I told you so….”
I frowned at him. “Please. You live for that.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Tim took a sip of his soda, and there was a tension in him that I hadn’t noticed before.
“What’s wrong?”
The groan that rolled out of him wasn’t what I was expecting. “Remember when I told your mom that we couldn’t hold on to the hurt?”
Shit. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Five years, Scotty. Like your mom said, every day I expected the call that they found your body. My life was on hold because I needed closure that wasn’t ever going to come. At least you knew what was happening in your life.”
I slumped back. “No, I didn’t. All I knew was for the first time since I was eight, I found a normal, and I would have given anything to hold on to that. Then your mom came to me….”
The Spirit Key Page 5