Secret Hearts

by J. L. Jarvis

  “His parents wanted a better match for him. I suppose they were right. We had nothing in common.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. You both wanted to marry money.” He softened the blow with a crooked smile that charmed her.

  “I suppose I deserved that. But I never set out to do that. But along the way, I lost track of myself.” Maggie wearily stared at the skaters, moving in circular patterns among each other. It was a perfect day. The crisp air and the freshness of a new snow were blaringly exquisite. It made her feel lonely.

  She said, “Go ahead. Say it. I’ve been a fool.”

  Jake raised an eyebrow, and then stared at the ground. After a while, he said softly, “I missed you.”

  Maggie lifted pained eyes to meet his. His anger was one thing. But his kindness destroyed her. She wanted to weep in his arms, but she couldn’t. Not now. It was too late. She said, “I’ve let you down.”

  He spoke in low tones. “No you haven’t. You were there when Will died.” With no warning, he looked into her eyes. “That meant a lot.”

  “I barely saw you, or spoke with you.”

  “You were there, and I knew it. What could you have said?”

  “I wanted to find words to make you feel better.”

  “And what words would those be?” Jake nodded, looking down to conceal an unexpected wave of emotions he couldn't control.

  Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know. I never found them.”

  Seeing her tears, Jake put his arm about Maggie’s shoulder as he assumed false cheer and his father’s Irish brogue. “Don’t worry, darlin’. As me da used to say, ‘Dance as if no one’s watching, sing as if no one’s listening, and live everyday as if it were your last.’”

  Maggie forced a smile. “On the bright side, you’ve got Sophie now.”

  Jake’s turned his head sharply. “Sophie? Is that what you think?” He laughed to himself.

  “Shouldn’t I?” Maggie’s eyes widened.

  “Maggie.” He shook his head, almost looking amused. “Do you believe in destiny?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m beginning to think that, no matter how hard we try, our lives just end up where they’re supposed to be anyway.”

  Maggie said, “What if you don’t like where you end up?”

  “Then there’s no help for you, darlin’,” he said with a light laugh.

  Maggie didn't join him but instead grew melancholy.

  Had she seen his kind eyes, she might have found comfort. He said, “I’m sorry you got your heart broken.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know. But I’m sorry for you.”

  Maggie smirked. “I don’t need your pity.”

  “What do you need, Maggie?” When his gaze started to smolder, he forced himself to look elsewhere. An old couple skated by, holding hands, gently gliding—not very fast—but comfortably synchronized.

  Maggie watched them too, and said, “I missed this.”

  “This?”

  “You.”

  Jake met her gaze with dark eyes, and then suddenly brightened. With a grin, he said, “Ah, I knew it. You’ve been wretched without me.”

  Maggie gave him a childish nudge with her shoulder. It took them back to simpler times, if just for a moment. They watched the skaters making their way around the pond, some sliding, some halting, and some not making it at all.

  Then Jake squeezed her hand and arose to speed away across the iced over pond. Maggie had her friend back, but she wondered if that was enough.

  Chapter 20

  The lake water lapped against the docks as Powell strode along the boardwalk with hollow, steady footsteps. He stepped up onto the Adairs’ porch to join Andrew and the other members of their rowing team as they gathered for early spring training. Midday sunlight filtered through the dense trees above as light laughter rang from inside the cottage. The door opened and out came Allison, looking fresh and radiant.

  “I thought I’d go for a ride into town. Would you care to join me?”

  Andrew declined. “We’re in training for the regatta. We’re determined to win it this year.”

  “I’m sure you will,” Allison replied with sparkling eyes.

  “Why don’t you ask Samuel to take you?”

  Powell glowered at Andrew’s suggestion.

  Allison hesitated. “Well, yes. I suppose I could.” Allison looked out toward the lake at the blades of bright sun on the dock.

  “You could wait to go to town until we’re finished,” said Powell.

  Allison turned to Andrew as though she had not heard. “What a beautiful day to be out on the lake.”

  Andrew cast a disinterested look toward the lake. Some of the crew team took a few steps toward the edge of the porch and waited. Seeing them, Andrew tilted his head and smiled at Allison.

  “We’ll see you later.”

  Allison waved him on. “You’d better get going if you’re going to master that lake.”

  She grinned warmly, and then turned to walk into the house. The others were at the dock by the time Powell caught up with Allison. She was at the other end of the hallway, with her hand on the doorknob.

  “If you wait until we’re done, I’ll take you to town.”

  Allison gasped. “Powell? Where did you come from?”

  “Louisiana.” He strained to be charming.

  “Very clever, but you know what I mean. You scared me half to death.”

  “Let me escort you to town.”

  “Thank you, but that won’t be necessary.”

  “But surely—”

  “No thank you,” she said, kindly but firmly.

  Powell’s eyes narrowed, making Alison uneasy. She took a step backward. Her heel knocked against the door. She turned to open the door, but it stuck as she rattled the obstinate knob.

  Powell reached his arm around her. She felt his breath upon her neck as his hand brushed against hers and, with a simple twist of his wrist, unlatched the door and pulled it open.

  It narrowed the space in which she could move without brushing against Powell. With a halting breath, Allison sidestepped her way through the narrow opening, made so by Powell’s boot against the door edge.

  Late in the night, Allison watched a candle flicker in Samuel’s window. She lit a candle of her own and waited. Seconds later his candle was snuffed out. Allison blew across the flame to extinguish her own, and then hastened out into the night, taking care not to awaken anyone in the household.

  The hood of her cape slipped to her shoulders as she ran down the boardwalk to the end of the dock, where a boat lay gently rocking. The moon lit a path across the water, but it was one they wouldn't follow, for theirs was a path through the shadows. Samuel helped Allison into the rowboat, and then covered her with a blanket. She crouched down low as Samuel rowed as fast as he could without making undue noise.

  Allison peeked from beneath the blanket and, seeing that the cottages were far from view, let the blanket drop to her shoulders. She put her hands on his knees as he continued to row. “I’ve missed you.”

  Samuel whispered, “Don’t talk. The sound carries over the water.” He stopped rowing and gazed for a moment.

  Samuel pulled the boat to shore at a secluded spot across the lake. Now that they could speak, they had no desire to. Samuel carried her from the boat to the shore, and then set her down gently. She shivered. He spread several blankets on the ground, and then pulled her down to lie on them. A gleeful laugh escaped as she buried her face in his chest. Her lips sought his in the darkness as he lowered himself over her. Samuel pulled a down quilt over both their bodies to shield them from the cool night air.

  He turned his face toward her hand as she reached around his lowering neck. How she longed for such moments each day, each hour. To feel his shoulders strong and secure. She wanted to hide in these arms. His lips touched her neck and shoulders, while his hands explored every part of her. Slowly they peeled off their clothing like lay
ers of secrets and lies they were forced to conceal in the daylight. The smooth satin of skin against skin and the heat it enkindled took them to a place where they loved without hiding. Each touch made her yearn to be closer, to give herself to him. He owned her with his touch and his taste, until she feared she might drown in the joy that so rarely was hers.

  Collapsed and entwined, they lay breathing in scents of moist earth and leaves and line-dried cotton quilts. Allison fought the same thoughts that always returned close to parting to encroach upon their tranquility.

  “We’ll have to leave soon,” she said with a sigh.

  “No, not yet,” Samuel said, and wrapped himself closer around her.

  “I mean home. We may have to leave home soon.”

  “Are you sure that you can?”

  “I'm sure that I must. They’re pressuring me to let Powell Sutton court me.”

  “That jackass—if he gives you any trouble—”

  “It’s not only him. He’s won over my family. Even Andrew.”

  “I saw it coming. I’ve watched him maneuver himself and his money. I’m sure he’s behind the flood of clients who’ve left your father’s firm recently. The firm is now forced to rely almost entirely on the Sutton family business to keep the firm afloat.”

  “Would he really go that far?”

  “I can’t prove it, but yes, I believe that he has.”

  “I can’t keep putting him off. And I’m afraid to leave. If he pulls his business away, what will father do?”

  “Maybe it would be better to leave before he forces your hand. He’d save face, if you left before having to jilt him. And by then, he may even feel lucky to have avoided being connected the scandal.”

  “The scandal?”

  “Of us. When we run off together.”

  “Of course. There would be a scandal, wouldn’t there?”

  “Are you sure you can do this to your family?”

  “They’ll survive as I did once before.”

  “So we’re going to do this?” He smiled, as the joy of their future became real in his mind.

  “Yes.” Allison flung her arms around his neck. “Yes, we are.”

  “I can’t give you the life you deserve. But I’ve saved a good deal of money. It’ll be a simpler life. Are you sure?”

  “I have never been surer.” Allison’s heart was so full she could only see joy up ahead.

  In the chill stillness of night, they rowed back to the cottage. As Allison stepped off the boardwalk, Samuel pulled her into the shadows and into his arms. They kissed, and they looked at the stars. “We could go to Canada. We could buy some land. Build a house.”

  “Oh, Samuel, could we? But where?”

  “Anywhere. It doesn’t matter. We’ll be home.”

  “Our home.”

  “It won’t be the life you’re used to. There are things you will miss.”

  “Miss the loneliness? The emptiness? The same parties with the same people and the same conversations?” A cold breeze stirred the trees. Allison nestled deeper into Samuel’s solid arms. “All my life I’ve been missing you.”

  Samuel said, “We’re together now.”

  She said, “You’ve been part of my life for so long.”

  “Our love grew from friendship.” The night air was calm, but Allison was not. He brushed knuckle lightly against her cheek and searched her eyes. “That’s a strong place for love to grow from.”

  Allison struggled to shape thoughts into words. “I think I knew, deep down, how I felt. But I didn’t dare let myself.” She met his eyes. “I was afraid.” Tears threatened to fall.

  “Allison, don’t you think I had my own fears?”

  She nodded, but in truth, she had not thought of it.

  Samuel said, “I didn’t want to love a white woman. I tried not to love you. You must have known it.”

  But she had not. She’d been too wrapped up in her own fears to see his.

  He went on. “I felt as though I was betraying my own.”

  “Then what changed you mind?”

  He exhaled and shook his head. “I loved you.”

  Allison gently nodded.

  He said, “I knew you, and I loved who you were. It wasn't a matter of color.”

  A freshly lit candle shone from a carriage house window. Allison brushed aside the lace curtain and watched the candle take flame in the carriage house window and cast a warm light in the room around it. She watched his silhouette through the curtains, still tasting his mouth and his skin and feeling the pressure of his body against hers. Their souls were joined, and their love would endure.

  There they were again: Jake and Sophie, in the library, their heads leaning together over a book. What a cozy little couple they were. Maggie knew she was staring, but she couldn't help it. Twice a week they met there, head to head, sharing God only knew what in hushed tones over a book. Maggie rolled her eyes. Sophie smiled. Sophie laughed. Sophie studied Jake’s face with the shimmering eyes of a woman in love. She should have gotten used to it. For weeks this had gone on. When they’d talked at the ice skating pond, Jake had shrugged off her mention of Sophie. And yet they continued to meet, and each time disturbed Maggie more than the last. To make matters worse, Jake had become exasperatingly polite with her. After all they had been through together, was this what she deserved—common courtesy? It irked her.

  Maggie sat at her desk, stamping books and stealing glances in between. When no one was near, she watched them. It hurt, but she couldn't stop herself. And then she saw it. Sophie got up to leave. As she reached for a book, so did Jake. Their hands met on the book in a tentative tryst neither seemed to expect, then slipped apart even as their eyes locked together. Jake was first to look away. His eyes darted toward Maggie, and then back to Sophie. Maggie didn't even have time to pretend to look elsewhere. She suffered a wound to her heart, fresh and stinging. She looked down at her desk, her face burning with—yes, it was jealousy. She was forced to admit it. She felt it. And worse, he had seen it.

  How had she come to a point in which, moment to moment, her sense of contentment was so vitally linked to Jake O’Neill? A look or a gesture would send her into a vortex of self-doubt. She fought to control such feelings, for they were unreasonable. Worst of all, they were uncontrollable, and Maggie MacLaren had always maintained control over her emotions, unless she chose not to. She believed this to be true.

  Maggie strained to see Jake’s face, but he pivoted slightly so she could only see Sophie’s expression. That wasn't helpful. She looked damned near luminous. Yes, she was cursing. Soon the pair spoke parting words. Jake lagged behind, while Sophie walked briskly away. Maggie watched Jake watch Sophie leave. His eyes flew to hers, where they locked for an instant, and darted away. Maggie looked down at her books and immersed herself in a show of paperwork and flushed cheeks.

  She couldn't rid her mind of thoughts of Jake. No longer was he the mischievous boy, the playmate of her childhood. Around his eyes, she now saw tiny lines. The outside corners crinkled from laughter, while his forehead was creased from grief. He was a man. Their youthful bond had been broken, and he didn't need her. Life was simple no longer. Events had unraveled what they once had, and it lay in a tangle. Maggie’s life wasn't what she had supposed it would be, and the ache of it weighed on her spirit. With such ease, Sophie had slipped into Jake’s life. Who was this girl to wedge herself between them so?

  “It’s my own fault,” she later said to herself, as she turned the key in the library lock and walked down the steps.

  Her friendship with Jake had been almost like a place where they could be. Together, they could be in a room with others and yet feel apart, sharing looks and thoughts that no one else understood. Together, they could be who they were or wanted to be, not who people expected. No one had ever dared to sever the link they had shared for a lifetime. But that, she told herself, was a childish dream they had outgrown. They could no longer naively hide from life’s harsh responsibilities. Dreams die.
People die. Life goes on but never as anyone plans or hopes.

  “I thought I could make life happen for me, not to me,” she said aloud. The sound of her own quiet voice awoke Maggie from her thoughts. She sighed and walked purposefully on toward her home.

  Surely her mind was playing tricks on her, for as she looked across the street, she saw Jake. It couldn’t be Jake, though. It merely looked like him because she had been thinking so much about him. She sped up her pace to catch up with him, but Sophie emerged from the shop where he’d been waiting. Maggie stopped, and the two walked on together. With a sinking gut feeling, Maggie found herself following, keeping her distance.

  That walk—that was Jake’s walk—the angle at which he held his head when he glanced about to cross a street, so direct and so manly. So Jake. She’d grown used to him—taken for granted how attractive he was. It had happened before her, and she’d missed it. And now, from a distance she took it all in—how his angular jaw met a thick neck, which joined to broad shoulders and—the rest of him. Maggie sighed. The power his body boasted had once appeared so coarse in comparison to Andrew and the wealthy men like him. They had not battered their bodies with common labor. They had loftier ideals. But it all had been pretense, including her dreams. Andrew had proven himself to be just one more ordinary man, with a man’s thoughts and desires, and a man’s share of weakness. And I was no better. I let Jake down.

  Maggie followed them, not knowing why. She only knew it was Jake and she missed him. She now knew what a mistake she had made. He was gone, and she wanted to know where he went—she needed to see him take his new girl home so the final dagger would fatally stab her last hope of love and happiness and other such romantic nonsense. If she saw enough, perhaps then she might get him out of her heart.

  What if he walked into Sophie’s house and never came out? What, then, would she do? Of course, she would hate him forever. And she would know at that moment that it would be forever—her loss of him. Maybe then she’d accept it. Unless… What if… “Oh, what am I doing?”

  Increasingly aware of the sound of her shoes, she walked briskly along, trying to lift her feet noiselessly, but it slowed her down. Jake had long legs and a fast gait, and Sophie kept up with him, apparently unconcerned with the appearance of ladylike steps. Maggie would lag behind until a buggy would come along to cover the sound, then she would hasten to a near run to catch up, and then slow down in concert with the fading wagon wheels.