Girl Crush

by R. Gay

  I never did get to go down on her. She took me home and we slept entwined together, her in panties that said, BITE ME. What a tease. She made me oatmeal in the morning and even though she was still as stunning as ever, something had changed. I didn’t want her the way I once had. I didn’t want to bottom to her, and though my pussy could still feel what she’d done to me, and I remembered how good it had felt to give myself to her, my crush was over. I still wanted to be her friend, but what had once seemed like the most magical thing to ever happen to me, getting to be close to her, now seemed like a dream. She seemed calm, the vibe more pajama party than fuck buddy. We hugged good-bye, but that was it: no sweet sorrow, just a hug.

  At the airport, I spotted a girl reading a book by Banana Yoshimoto. She had jet black hair and a T-shirt tight enough for me to see her nipples. She was eating an ice-cream cone, lick by tantalizing lick. I sat near her, trying not to stare, and failing. She looked nothing like Laura, or any of my exes, but she had a quality that drew me to her, sassy and sexy and cute all rolled into one. One crush had ended, but a new one had begun. I made sure I sat next to her on the plane.

  MIRADOR

  Teresa Lamai

  I don’t bother turning away when I light my third cigarette. By now I almost want them to see me, or at least suspect that someone’s out here, watching.

  It was surprisingly easy to get up on the warehouse roof. The rusty nitrogen tank has a nice little ladder. I can see downtown Portland from here, sparkling scarlet and sugary white across the river. The moss-scented mist settles, fine as cobwebs, over my cheeks, my hair.

  I lean back and watch my old apartment.

  The window glows, poppy-bright in the wet darkness. The front room is exactly the same, amps and mixing boards stacked to the ceiling. Jed sits at the tableau’s center, guitar in his lap. His black eyes are trained on the music stand, his brow furrowed. He’s let his hair grow out, and it’s wavier, glossier, almost long enough for a ponytail.

  Fuck it. I should know by now that I’m going to cry every time I look at him. The stinging starts in my eyes and then fills my head.

  My friends keep telling me how much happier I am without him. I haven’t eaten in days. I live on coffee, cold air, and the anxious thrum of waiting, watching. I couldn’t tell you what I’m looking for; I just find myself here every night. My life has shrunk around this bright, oblique conviction that if I wait long enough, if I watch hard enough, these barriers of glass and time will dissolve and I’ll be back inside.

  I light another cigarette and Jed looks up. I freeze.

  Behind him, the bathroom door opens.

  The scene looks so familiar that I almost expect it to be me coming out of the shower. But I never got Jed so excited—his eyes widen, his feet twitch. He turns toward the bathroom, his mouth slack with pure delight, as if he were watching a cake come out of the oven.

  He was sitting just like that the night I first saw Christine.

  I was coming from rehearsal, my legs numb. I was in the corps of Sleeping Beauty that season, and we’d rehearsed the wedding scene for three solid hours. My shoulders burned from holding that bow of plastic flowers over my head.

  A mean, icy rain came with nightfall. I’d decided to call in sick to work. The thought of standing for another eight hours, smiling and serving cocktails, made me want to cry.

  I knew I’d made the right decision when I heard Jed’s music echoing through the hallways of our building. I held my breath as I eased our door open.

  Jed sat naked in the candlelight, cradling his red-lacquered Spanish guitar in his lap. His head rested against the dingy wall. He sang with his eyes closed, some plaintive, earthy love song I’d never heard before.

  I hugged myself, letting cold tendrils of rain slither down my neck.

  “Jed, Jed, that’s beautiful,” I whispered.

  He jerked his head toward me. He groaned as if suddenly sick.

  “Jed, what’s the—?” A sliver of cold white light appeared in the next room. We both jumped.

  A woman stood in our kitchenette, half-lit by the open refrigerator. As she stooped, reaching inside, I saw a smooth downy hip, a perfect cream-colored breast topped by a dark red nipple, tiny as a chilled raspberry.

  I dropped my bags and she turned on the overhead light, blinking. She stood naked, eating leftover Chinese from a carton.

  She was flawlessly beautiful, an exquisite little face and wide hazel eyes. Her hair was strawberry blonde, and her skin gleamed with faint peach-colored freckles. Her waist was tiny, but her hips and breasts were lush and round. Her smile had the opaque sweetness of someone who has always been cherished. There was candid puzzlement in her eyes.

  I looked to Jed. His cheeks flushed, but his jaw was set. He glared at the window.

  I backed out the doorway.

  I went to work. I made so much money in tips that night. I couldn’t stop laughing, and all these fat businessmen and their skanky mistresses thought I was laughing at their jokes. Each time I pictured this new girl, naked and brazen in my apartment, I locked myself in the women’s room and laughed until I felt like throwing up.

  I’d always told Jed he taught me how to laugh. He taught me that things were never as bad as they seemed. Life in Portland was harder than we’d ever imagined; I could only get seasonal contracts with the ballet, he could barely break even with his gigs. But when we were home together, warm and laughing in that tiny amber-lit apartment, everything was okay.

  When I came home from work that night, the place was deserted. The bed was rumpled, streaked with spilled honey. I lay across the green velour carpet, tapping my fingernails on the floor. My thoughts scattered like pearls from a broken string.

  The sky outside lightened. A crow thumped into the windowpane. I realized with a shock that Jed and this girl were staying out on purpose—giving me plenty of time to pack.

  I left just before sunrise.

  Now I watch Christine emerge from the steam, her wet hair clinging to her shoulders. She’s wearing a wicked little thong of white cotton. Her belly is pink.

  I suck at my last cigarette, drawing up my collar against the river wind. She’s everything I’m not—serene, willowy, wreathed in beauty. The air around her always seems brighter.

  Jed squirms in his chair, his mouth still hanging open.

  She waves an elegant, dismissive hand at him and he reluctantly returns to his music.

  She rushes to the window and stands, gazing intently. I stub out my cigarette, shrinking into myself, zipping up my jacket so I’m all black leather against the black air. Does she suspect?

  Ah, she’s using the dark glass as a full-length mirror, as I used to.

  She rubs her sides and pouts, then reaches for a bottle of lotion. Jed is still playing, but he watches her from under his curling bangs, black eyes flickering. She smoothes the lotion along her arms, her ribs, her breasts. She massages it into her thighs until the flesh glows.

  Jed stands up, his teeth flashing as he tries to distract her with a joke.

  She waves him down again as she runs to the closet. She’s dressing with a purpose, now, going out. Jed fits the headphones on again and gives her a defeated, watery smile as he settles into his music.

  She’s going out alone.

  “Shit.” I scramble to my feet. My boots ring over the concrete roof. Pigeons and rats go scuffling into the shadows. I descend the clanging ladder and hide behind a Dumpster.

  Christine bursts through the street-level doors. She’s wearing new knee-high suede boots and her fluffy blue Cookie Monster coat. She hurries down the steps, wincing and hugging herself against the chill. Even from here, I can see her tender cheeks are scarlet, her eyes tearing.

  She runs to her Beamer and I fidget like a cat about to pounce. I’ve watched her almost every day; I’ve followed her to the mall, to Pilates class, to a spa. She never works, but her trips to the ATM always seem to yield a crisp stack of cash: family money. She’s slumming.

 
My Corolla is parked at the curb; I’ll be able to reach it in six steps.

  Christine freezes and glances up at the apartment window, her eyes wide and stark. Something in her movement stuns me. The light falls against the perfect lines of her temple, her throat. Her skin is delicate as a child’s.

  I hold my breath. She seems transformed; there’s something in her guilty eyes, a fault line, a crack. This might be what I’ve been waiting for.

  She slips away from her car, walking through the alley toward the deserted riverfront. I follow more slowly, keeping close to the walls. The streetlights here are broken. Filthy mattresses lie over the sidewalks, strewn with needles and beer cans.

  Christine reaches the railroad tracks and starts to run. I have to sprint to keep her bright head in my sight.

  There’s music near the river—a slow, hypnotic chime. It grows louder as we run. Christine turns a corner and there, beneath the freeway overpass, an old meat-processing plant is filled with energy and lemon yellow light. A giddy crowd spills over the crumbling docks. Garbage fires fill the air with acrid smoke.

  Christine disappears inside. I’m breathless when I reach the door. The bouncer is hugely fat, smiling merrily. He pulls on his platinum dreadlocks as he grins at me.

  “Hey, sweetheart, you old enough to be here?”

  My heart is pounding. I fumble through my pockets and come up with three dollars and a bus ticket.

  He laughs and grabs my wrist. He draws a black X on the back of my hand, then kisses my palm before letting me go.

  The inside seems impossibly large; the plant’s been gutted. I toss my jacket into a corner and the steam prickles over my bare skin. The music shakes my bones; a frantic heartbeat of a bass line under a stream of distorted, shimmering strings.

  My heart is in my throat. I see Christine, half naked now, a flickering streak in the red-black heaving crowd. I approach.

  I have no idea what I intend to do when I reach her. Her hair is loose, rippling around her, the opulent sun-bright hair of a Renaissance courtesan. Her skirt is short; her halter top is fastened with two ties at the back of her neck and just below her shoulders. Her waist-chain slithers over her sweaty hips. Gold bands glint on her upper arms.

  I can’t take my eyes off her. I’ve never seen her like this; there’s a desperation in her movement, in her bleak, fitful glances. I feel suddenly cold. I act on instinct alone, as if this were a waking dream that would just keep unraveling as long as I kept my focus.

  Sweat pools in the small of her back. She turns and smiles at a slender boy standing behind her. The invitation in her face makes me want to laugh—it’s so naïve, so forlorn and pushy. They don’t notice me.

  Her hair whips my face. I’ve never been this close to her. I let my fingertips brush her ass, just tracing feather-light circles.

  She turns again to the boy behind her, eyes bright. She licks her lips in a pathetic, histrionic little gesture that makes her seem whacked. He leaves. She still feels the steady touch on her ass.

  I press into her before she can turn toward me. She squeals with shock.

  I grab her pelvis and kiss her neck. I thought she would smell of Jed but instead there’s the fragrance of gardenia soap, then the sharp, pure scent of her sweat. I push my breasts into her shoulders.

  “Is this what you came here for?” I whisper, my lips resting on her ear. The music is so loud I can’t hear myself. I kiss along the back of her neck, her throat, working my tongue along her jaw. I feel her moan.

  She pulls my hands to her breasts. She’s no longer trying to turn around and see me. I graze her neck with my teeth. She arches forward, pressing those tiny nipples into my palms.

  She’s so soft, so delicious, her flesh like fine sun-warmed clay under my hands.

  “Stop,” I hiss, still not hearing my voice over the music. “Don’t draw attention to us.” She drops her hands.

  “Very good.” I kiss her shoulder, draw my fingers along her arms. “Keep dancing, the way you were. Keep your eyes open, your face calm. No matter what I do.”

  Her hair is plastered to her back. I bend to kiss between her shoulder blades. She twitches but keeps swaying to the music. I rest my palms over her ass, squeezing, lifting.

  Other dancers surge around us, a hot sea.

  I bite her earlobe and she jumps.

  “Good,” I whisper, before I trace the whorls of her ear with my tongue. I reach down to her thighs and scratch her lightly with my fingernails. “Now come with me.”

  I turn and walk through the crowd. It’s a risk; she might recognize me from behind. I move swiftly, wondering if she’ll lose me completely in the darkness. But when I reach the bathroom I hear her quick, staccato breathing just behind me.

  I open the door and then stand aside. She hesitates only slightly before going in. The bathroom is empty.

  Panic spikes in my throat; the walls are lined with mirrors. She’s sure to see me. But she’s standing with her eyes closed. She keeps licking her lips. I take off my scarf and fold it, lift it over her head. The orange silk is beautiful across her eyes. I lock the door.

  “You look so lovely,” I tell her. She gleams in the harsh light. Her lipstick, innocent red, is streaked. Her nipples strain against the pink satin of her halter top.

  “Please,” she falters. She shifts her weight impatiently. Her skirt has ridden up her thighs.

  “Please what?” I keep my voice gentle.

  The bathroom is enormous, a factory bathroom with a halfrotted floor and a row of old urinals. One cracked window lets in the dirty fog. Every few seconds, someone pounds on the door, yelling. Let them pee outside.

  Christine stumbles toward me. I back away.

  “Please touch me,” she whispers, ducking her head.

  “Why don’t you put your hands behind your back,” I say kindly, biting back a laugh. “Wrists crossed.”

  My smile fades as she quickly complies. I’d only been half serious. Now I have to follow through.

  The strange calm is still in me. I brush the back of my hand against her nipples before I move behind her. I untie her halter top and it crinkles into my palm. I caress her small wrists before I tie them together. She exhales, flexing her hands, tilting her head to the ceiling until the curling ends of her hair brush her waist.

  “Why don’t you take off the rest?” I lean against the sink and watch her reach to unzip her skirt. Her breasts nestle together as she moves, her hair sticks to her forehead. Finally the skirt slumps to the floor and she steps out of it, struggling to keep her balance.

  She waits, smiling, wearing only her armbands, waist-chain, boots and her wisp of a thong. The drenched white cotton has darkened to silver.

  “You’re so pretty.” I can’t help saying it. I wonder for a moment if Jed has ever seen her like this. Then I can’t form any more thoughts. My mouth is dry. My breasts are stinging, my palms aching for the feel of her.

  She gulps, then rushes to me, pushing her white breasts against me, rolling her belly against my jeans. Her lips find my cheek, my chin.

  Her desperation is almost alarming.

  I grab her hair when she kisses me. She flinches but doesn’t pull away. Oh, her mouth, so full of spicy, fragrant heat. It takes all my willpower not to bite her lush lower lip. I lift one leg to circle her waist and her pubic bone mashes against my clit.

  I break away, panting hoarsely. “Back up,” I tell her. I want to kiss her all over, free her from her boots so I can hold her small feet.

  When she reaches the opposite wall, I unfasten her waist-chain, loop its ends round a cold metal pipe, then pull it tight round her hips again. She rubs her thighs together.

  I fall to my knees. She jumps when she feels my breath on her belly. Her scent clouds my head, sends a searing pang to my womb. I shiver.

  “Move your legs apart.”

  When she does I kiss her, just above the satin bow of her thong. “Very good.” I take her waist-chain in my teeth and tug, playfully.

>   But her scent is stronger now and I’m losing control. I pull the soaked, gossamer cloth of her panties to one side. Oh, my god, she’s shaved. Her mound is bare, only the faintest shadow of blonde stubble. Her labia are closed shyly, glistening like a juice-covered apricot.

  “Stay still.” I lean into her and brush my lips against the top of her cleft. She heaves forward and starts to grind.

  She shrieks when I smack the fullest part of her ass. I look up at her. Her mouth is gaping. I rub gently where I struck.

  I lift her left leg and rest her thigh on my shoulder. The suede of her boot is rough against my back. I hope she doesn’t dig that heel into me.

  Her labia are spread, swollen obscenely now, the inner lips unfurling toward me, raw and red. Her clit is inflamed, hard, pulsing faintly. I trace circles around it. Her cunt clenches on itself like hungry mollusk.

  When I lean forward, she flinches. I smile, remembering Jed’s clumsy alacrity. I lay my tongue, soft and flat, just above her clit. I look up at her and laugh, softly. I think she’s holding her breath.

  “Very good, Christine. I think you deserve a reward.”

  I don’t wait for her to react at hearing her name. I close my hands around her hips and draw my tongue along her cleft, slowly and softly, more insistent with each pass. The taste of her makes me lightheaded—oysters and dark merlot. My nails dig into her ass. She’ll have two neat little rows of crescent-shaped scabs.

  I close my lips around her clit and nudge it with my tongue. She shakes so violently I’m afraid she’ll fall on me. Her thigh bounces on my shoulder. My tongue aches. My jaw is sore.

  She nearly pulls away at the last minute but I suck her clit into my mouth, pressing my thumb against her anus. Her fingers drum against the wall, her spine stretches long and tight. I look up. Her stomach ripples. She shakes her head from side to side; her hair thrashing. Her sweat drops in my eyes, stinging me.

  Finally she slumps, deathly still. I rise. My knees will ache for days.