by A L Makin
“You really do look amazing tonight you know,” he says, and I can’t help but feel guilty for how confused I am right now.
Here is Travis … an amazingly kind, funny and good looking guy who I know wants more than just friendship from me. Someone who would make a wonderful boyfriend and all I can think about is Ryder. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s not even like anything has happened between us.
I’ve only just managed to sit back down at our table when we’re interrupted by a bony looking waif stood at the tableside.
“Travis, darling! I didn’t know you were out tonight! And I see you have company too. How splendid,” she pauses as she turns to look down at me. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t remember you … you are?” she snorts in her sour sounding voice.
I don’t know who this woman thinks she is, trying to imply that I’m forgettable. I’ve never met the woman before. If she thinks I’m going to let her belittle me in front of Travis and Ryder, she has another thing coming.
I turn in my seat and look up at her. She has extended her bony hand out for me to take. Ignoring the offered hand I continue to examine the woman stood before me. She looks down at her lonely hand and begins to cackle while pulling it back and locking it through Ryder’s arm as he joins her. He stares ahead not making eye contact with anyone. I feel intruded on and small, sat down here, so I push back my chair and stand up; I don’t want her leaning over me like she has some kind of power. Stood next to her, I’m a good three inches taller than she is.
“It’s ok,” I reply turning to face her. “The only thing you need to be sorry for is the assumption that I’m forgettable. Trust me when I say that if you knew me, you wouldn’t be quick to forget,” I reply dryly with a fake smile.
I don’t pretend to thank her for interrupting our evening.
She looks me up and down, finally turning her attention back to Travis.
“Well, in any case, Travis I insist that you and your … friend, come and join us for a drink. I know you two boys have had issues in the past, but it won’t be long before we’re all one big family. Let’s try and make it a happy one shall we? Surely it’s about time that you let bygones be bygones,” she states.
I’m able to read the woman like a book. She swims with venom and malice which sweats out of her like an offensive stench. She is purposely trying to goad both Travis and Ryder with her words. Travis’s guard is up like a high wall. He’s enjoying this awkward encounter about as much as I am.
“Thanks for the invitation Liliana, but we have to decline I’m afraid. Willow and I intended a private evening only,” Travis replies flatly.
Ryder’s shoulders stiffen at the confirmation that Travis and I are out on a date. I glance down the length of his toned body to see he’s curled his fingers into tight fists. But he doesn’t move, he keeps transfixed looking forward not making eye contact with any of us.
The tension in the air is cut in half by the sound of Liliana squealing with laughter.
“Ooh, so sorry Travis. I didn’t realise you wanted privacy. Silly me. Of course, we’ll leave you two love birds alone,” she cackles again before continuing. “I remember mine and Ryder’s first date, it was so romantic and special,” she tugs on Ryder’s arm. “Come on darling let’s go back to our table.”
Ryder stays mute not answering, instead choosing to turn and walk back with Liliana to their table. With the air around us palpable, we sit back down at the table.
“Are you ok?” I ask Travis.
“Yeah, I will be,” he replies as he nods his head.
“I know you already told me you two don’t get on. But I never realised things were so tense between you both.”
Picking up one of the cardboard coasters off of the table, he starts to pick and peel the edge of it.
“Yeah, things got really bad between us at one point. But now we just try and stay out of each other’s way,” he replies.
“I don’t understand how two people connected by blood can hate each other so much though. What could have possibly happened to make you like this?” I ask carefully.
He sighs deeply while he stares at the coaster between his fingers, a small pile of ripped paper slowly forming.
“To understand where it’s come from I have to go back to when we were younger. It’s not a short story,” he replies sadly.
“That’s ok. Start wherever you need to. I want to understand, and if that means you have to start at the beginning, I have the time to listen. I’m not going anywhere,” I answer honestly.
He takes another large sigh before starting.
Chapter Ten
“It all happened what feels like a lifetime ago now. Through childhood, Ryder and I were as thick as thieves. I mean our fathers were brothers and we were their only sons. It was only natural that we’d be close. We weren’t just cousins, we were like brothers. As a child Ryder was always happy. A bit of a jokester really, always playing pranks and such. In the early years, it was only ever in good fun. Never anything serious or harmful,” he sighs taking a break from peeling the coaster to look at me.
“But when the teenage years hit, that’s when everything changed. Ryder’s personality grew darker ... sinister. The pranks he played for fun as a child grew dark too, and people started to get hurt, and relationships irreparably destroyed forever. I don’t know what it was that began to turn him, twist his mind. But in no time at all, he became defiant and unruly. I mean we both had the same upbringing, and I didn’t act the same way. It was like he was wired wrong or something, and with age that wiring was only getting more twisted and evil.”
He looks back down at the coaster in his hands and continues to carefully peel the paper from it.
“Even as his dark side grew, he was still the smartest person I knew and got into University easily. I don’t know if I was clutching to the past or something, but I made sure I went to the same one. How now I wish I went anywhere else but there. There was no hope for us anymore, I should have realised it. He’d already completely slipped away from me, our time at Uni only confirmed it.”
“But surely that can’t be the reason why you don’t get on now? You must have been able to work through it? It sounds like he lost his way and needed you?” I ask.
He stops picking at the coaster and looks at me with a blank face.
“I thought that too, and I was willing to try my hardest. But a man can only walk a certain amount of steps until there is a step too far; a step of no return,” he replies coldly.
“I don’t understand. What happened?” I ask.
He nods his head as he looks back down at the coaster continuing to pick at it. It won’t be long until there is nothing left of it.
“What happened? … I met a girl, that’s what happened,” he pauses as he stares unblinking right through the coaster in his hands.
His eyes show he’s lost in a memory as a happy smile spreads across his face.
“Her name was Amanda and she was probably the sweetest girl you would ever meet. With her long light brown hair and kind blue eyes, I fell in love with her the moment I met her. She was the type of person who would happily go out of her way to help anyone. It didn’t matter who you were,” he pauses briefly as he looks up at me. “She was my first … first girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first time … first everything.”
His brow furrows as he shakes his head slightly and the smile falls from his lips.
“Anyway, we managed to stay strong in love throughout all the trials and tribulations that Uni brings. And at the end of the three years, we had a graduation ball; a celebration to mark the end of all our hard work. It was going to be a perfect evening,” he smiles lost in memory. “I was going to ask Amanda to marry me. Up to that point, I never once doubted in my mind that I was born to be her husband and she was born to be my wife.”
“We planned to meet at the party shortly after it started, but I got caught up helping out a friend. I let her know I was running late and that I’d ca
tch up with her soon. When I made it to the ball it was in full swing. People were celebrating hard and in excess. I searched for ages to find Amanda and her friends when one of my classmates told me that they last saw her in the University gardens.”
“With the music from the great hall easily heard outside in the gardens, I quickly made my way to where she was last seen. Near the edge of the garden, there was a handful of drunk students laughing and joking. I didn’t think much of them at first, but the closer I got, I saw that the guys were friends of Ryder’s. A cold chill swept over me as instinct made me hide for cover behind a large bush before I was seen. The group of guys that Ryder was involved with were notorious for their despicable depravity, so he fit in perfectly well.”
“I edged closer finally hiding behind a large boulder to get a better view. As the small crowd shuffled around laughing and joking, I saw Ryder was perched on a stone wall in the centre of them all like some sort of King. I scanned the group for a few more seconds getting ready to leave when I saw her.”
“Amanda and a few of her friends were there … with them! But why? I couldn’t rationally understand why Amanda would be there. Was she forced there? That was the only logical explanation surely? I fumbled in the dirt around me for a weapon, anything I could use to defend myself. But then I heard it ... that oh so familiar sound … her laugh … our laugh.”
“The same laugh I’d heard a million times before, if not more. The laugh which always brought me so much joy in the past brought me nothing but heartbreak as I remained crouched behind the cold rock.”
“That sound meant that Amanda was there by her own free will, and she was enjoying herself with them … with him! And what broke my heart the most, what truly hurt was she knew all about my struggles with Ryder. How our relationship had dissolved into nothing but bitterness. She always said she understood, could see my side of it all. But crouched there I knew it was all just a lie. How could she so easily betray me by standing there drinking, joking and laughing as though they have been friends forever? Was it possible I’d been blind all this time?”
He stops to take a drink. The tension in his shoulders holds him stiff and I can see he is gathering his thoughts. The story isn’t over.
“So what did you do?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he snorts. “I sat there like a pathetic fool just watching them, all of them, him … her. I watched as Amanda took a large swig from the bottle of wine she held in her hand as her friend whispered in her ear.
I watched as they both began to laugh.
I watched as Amanda walked over to Ryder perched on his stone walled throne.
I watched as a sly smile grew on his face as she moved closer to him.
And finally, I watched as she walked straight into his waiting arms and started to passionately kiss him without a second thought in her head. No thought of me, of us, of our years together. Just him and her at that moment. I watched as she kissed him so naturally, it was as though she had done it a thousand times before,” he growls out as he crushes the remains of the coaster in his fist.
“Oh god Travis, I’m so sorry,” I say sadly.
He looks up at me with a sad smile and gives a sarcastic chuckle releasing his grip on the crushed coaster.
“If only that was the worst of it.”
“What do you mean? How can there be more? That by itself is torture enough,” I reply.
“Yep, you’re right, it was torture. To stand there and watch the love of your life kissing your – brother, was heartbreaking. Maybe if I’d reacted to the situation differently, then things would have turned out ok, but I didn’t ... I didn’t and it’s all his fault,” he says as he looks angrily over my shoulder at Ryder sat with Liliana.
Both his fists have scrunched into tight balls. I don’t like seeing him so angry and upset, so I reach out and try to break his attention away from Ryder by cupping his cool fists in my hands. It doesn’t work and as I look over my shoulder I can see that Ryder has turned to stare back at Travis. He doesn’t look happy either, he knows we’re talking about him. The hate that pours off the pair of them starts to swell in the room like an invisible fog. I’ve no choice but to try and disperse it if I want us to leave here without a fight.
“Travis, please look at me not him,” I say while shaking his fists in my hands. He doesn’t react so I shake them again. He still doesn’t respond. I look over my shoulder again and can see that Ryder has begun to rise out of his chair as Liliana smirks her twisted smile at the side of him. She knows what’s coming and she’s enjoying it. Desperate to avoid what is about to ensue, I grab him by his wrists shaking them even harder while calling out louder.
“Travis! I’m speaking to you! Don’t ignore me! Look at me … now!” I say forcefully.
As the last word leaves my lips our almost full glasses on the table quickly shake and shatter where they sit, spilling out their contents all over the table and onto the floor. Everyone in the pub stops and stares at our table, as the sound of breaking glass echos through the air. Ryder slowly sits back down again, while the smirk on Liliana’s face has disappeared, replaced with confusion. I look down at the broken glass and it’s Travis who is calling for my attention this time.
“Willow? What happened? How the hell did you break those glasses?” he asks quietly.
I continue to stare at the shattered glass.
“I ... I ... I didn’t break them. I didn’t touch them,” I answer in defence.
“I know you didn’t touch them, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t break them,” he answers.
I don’t know what to say. How can I break something if I’ve not touched it? I look up and shake my head. I’ve no logical answers for him.
With the room still staring at us, he calls to Lorna.
“Sorry Lorna, we seem to have had an accident,” he laughs trying to downplay the sudden disturbance in the room.
Lorna walks over to our table with a cloth and a dustpan and brush in hand.
“I’m going to have to start making sure everything on your table is made out of plastic soon Willow,” she laughs as I take the cloth and Travis takes the dustpan and brush from her. The patrons in the pub have all gone back to their own business.
“What do you mean? Has this happened before?” Travis asks.
Lorna laughs, “Has she not told you? Her first time in the pub with her brother she managed to break the glass vase in the middle of the table when she was arguing with him. I’m just glad I didn’t put those out tonight too,” she laughs again.
We clean up the mess in silence as Lorna gets us two new drinks.
“Try not to break these will you,” she mocks playfully as she leaves us to it.
“Coincidence you’ve done that twice now … I think not. I believe you when you say you don’t know how you broke those glasses, but you did break them, I can promise you that,” he states.
I still don’t believe it.
“Maybe I did … Maybe I didn’t. I suppose we’ll never know will we?” I shrug.
Travis just smiles before taking a large mouthful of his drink. We’ve managed to get completely off track, so I attempt to steer us back onto what he was telling me before.
“You don’t have to tell me the rest of your story if you don’t want to you know,” I reply.
I mean what I say, but in reality, I hope he still wants to tell me. I want to know what it is that makes them hate each other so much.
“No, it’s ok. I want to tell you. You need to know, no secrets remember,” he states, and as he does I feel guilty again. Guilty that even as he opens up and pours his heart out to me, I’m unable to keep my promise by keeping the secret of the last couple of nights from him.
“You said before that if you reacted differently then things might have been different? Surely whatever your reaction was, it was justified by what you’d just witnessed?” I question.
“I wish,” he replies.
“Then you’re going to have to fill in the blanks
for me.”
He takes another large mouthful from his drink and sets it down on a new coaster.
“I must have stood there for a good ten minutes watching in shock. How sad is that? I stood there and watched as they continued to grope and maul at each other. I watched as neither one of them hesitated for even a split second. Not once did their conscience or morality hit as a realisation on what their actions could do to me. I wasn’t even in their headspace. I watched until I couldn’t take it any longer. I stepped out from behind the boulder ready to confront them. I didn’t care who Ryder was with anymore. The pain of watching them together was worse than anything that any of them could inflict on me. But the closer I got, the more it hurt. I couldn’t watch anymore, they needed to stop. Everyone was too distracted in their own shit to notice me approaching, that I managed to get to just a few feet away from them before one of the guys spotted me.
Everyone except Ryder and Amanda turned to look at me. But they carried on mauling at each other unaware I was stood there watching them. Even when one of Amanda’s friends called out to her to tell her to stop, she carried on, they carried on.”
He stops to take another sip from his drink and I find my heart is slowly breaking for him. The pain he’s feeling telling me what happened is almost too much to bear.
“Every moment that passed tore away a piece of my heart. I just couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t watch them any longer so I called out to her. I called out asking her how could she? How could she take everything we had, everything we’d grown, the love and promises we had made to each other, and throw it all away?”
“It took a few moments for them to recognise my voice, but eventually, they both pulled away from each other and turned to look at me. Her red lipstick was smeared all over the pair of them, and it took her a few moments to realise what was going on. She attempted to backtrack ... tried telling me it’s not what it looked like … that it was just a mistake. But when I told her how long I’d been watching, she knew she was caught out.”
“She began to panic, frantically wiping at the smudged lipstick. I couldn’t look at either of them. They disgusted me! I knew Ryder had sunk low, but I never thought I’d be on the receiving end of one of his cruel games. And as for Amanda, the moment the thought of her and Ryder together entered her head, she’d killed our relationship. I took a few steps back, I’d done what I wanted to do. Now I wanted to leave and to get as far away from the pair of them as possible.