by A L Makin
“As I moved away, she tried walking towards me, but I kept our distance. Over and over she begged for me to forgive her; but how could I? How could I forgive someone who could betray me like that? I don’t know what was worse; her trying to apologise, or Ryder not saying anything. He just remained sat on his stone throne with a face devoid of any emotion. He watched as my heart bled out all over the floor. No excuses, no apologise … no remorse.”
“Amanda started to cry, she knew she’d lost me. I could see the pain in her tear-filled eyes. She regretted what she’d done, but it was too late. ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me,’ she kept asking me over and over again. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. It broke my heart to see her so upset. But I had no other choice than to let her go, so I told her we were finished.”
“She started to sob and attempted to grab a hold of me, but I couldn’t have her touching me. Not when just a few moments earlier those same hands were all over Ryder. I grabbed her wrists and pushed her away. She stumbled and fell, sobbing on the dirty ground. But I didn’t care and began to walk away. I managed to get a few feet ahead when I could hear her following me. I didn’t want her near me, so I walked faster. But she kept going, so I started to run. But again, she wouldn’t relent and carried on chasing me.”
“A few times I could hear her call out for me to stop, but I didn’t. I managed to run away from the campus, to the edge of a large ravine. I don’t know where I was trying to go, I just wanted to leave. It was as I was making my way down the rocky slope when I turned back to see Amanda following me down the steep edge.”
“I shouted for her to go away, to leave me alone, but she didn’t listen and kept coming. I reached the bottom easily and she called out for me to stop. I don’t know what made me listen this time, but as I turned I saw that she was rushing. She wasn’t looking where she was going and then that’s when it all played out in sickeningly slow motion.”
“I desperately cried out for her to stop, but it was too late. As soon as she stood on a large rock it slipped out from beneath her as easily as if it was made of butter. The sound that followed will forever haunt me. Large thunderous rocks began to tumble. I stood and watched as one after another each collided with her legs, the sound of them snapping like twigs were deafening. Her eyes bulged from the pain and her face paled from the panic as her legs were swept out from beneath her.”
“She didn’t stand a chance. She flew forward down the steep cliff. Her hands frantically grasped at the air in vain trying to stop herself from falling, but it was pointless. Her legs were limp from being crushed by the large rocks. She let out a blood-curdling scream as she tumbled down the cliff. There was nothing I could do but watch in horror, as she finally came crashing down with a sickening thud. I could see from the way she landed that her neck was the next thing to snap ... and with that, she was gone. The light in her eyes was extinguished as her beautiful spirit left her body forever. I watched as the love of my life lost her life before my eyes.”
“I knew she was gone, but it didn’t stop me from running to her. I sat on the cold floor and cradled her limp, bruised and bloodied body in my arms and begged for her to come back to me. I promised that if she would just open her eyes all would be forgiven. Even as the thick dark stream of blood oozed out of her ears, I didn’t want to accept she was gone ... gone forever,” he sniffs wiping the corner of one eye with the back of his hand.
I’m in shock. Never in a million years would I have thought his story would end that way. The betrayal, the heartbreak, the pain and the loss. The loss of love and life. Both feelings strong enough to permanently scar you. It’s now I understand why he feels the way he does towards Ryder …. and I can’t say I blame him.
“So now you know. Everywhere he goes and everything he touches turns to shit. I can never forgive him for what he did that night. In my mind, he was the one who pushed Amanda down that cliff. He killed her. It’s his fault she died believing I hated her, and it’s his fault why I’ll never be able to forgive myself for treating her the way I did moments before she left me for good.” He finishes angrily.
I reach out and hold Travis’s cool hand in mine.
“I’m so sorry Travis.”
“Thank you, but it was a long time ago now. For years I was tormented by her death. I must have played out what happened thousands of times. Each time trying to think of a different way it could have ended. But it never does. Destiny always had it planned that I was to lose the love of my life that night … one way or another,” he replies sadly.
“I’m still glad you found the strength to share it with me though. I feel as though I understand better why you’ve said what you’ve said, and acted the way you have. It couldn’t have been easy reliving the past,” I soothe.
“It’s one of the reasons why I reacted how I did that night when I caught you two together. I know you’re not Amanda, that’s not what I’m saying. But seeing the pair of you like that, it transported me back. It was like I was watching history repeat itself,” he finishes.
I don’t say anything in response, just nod my head gently.
Travis looks up and over my shoulder. I know what he’s about to say before he’s even parted his lips. “Ryder’s left.”
I just shrug my shoulders. Truth is, I felt him leave a while ago.
~
We finish our drinks and Travis walks me back home. The evening is cool, but not cold and we fill the journey with small talk. We’re both emotionally drained from Travis reliving the past, so neither one of us has the strength for anything more.
Walking me up to my front door, he waits as I unlock it.
“Thanks for tonight,” I say as I turn back to face him. “Apart from the rude interruption from Ryder and his fiancé, I really enjoyed myself,” I say honestly.
“Me too,” he smiles. “I’m just sorry I bummed us both out with the story of my past.
“You didn’t,” I smile. “I’m just sorry you went through all that,” I say as I reach out and hold his hand in mine.
He takes a step closer and the air between us changes as Travis leans in towards me.
He’s going to kiss me!
Panic rises as I struggle with how to react.
Do I let him kiss me? Do I turn him down?
I’m lost in thoughts of what to do when he leans in closer still. My eyes widen as he advances towards me. Just as his lips are about to touch mine, I turn my head to the side and he makes contact with my cheek. His cool lips press against my skin. He lingers for only a second when he pulls back.
“I’m sorry Travis. I just … I just don’t want to blur the lines of our friendship. I like you a lot but this evening was only meant to be dinner, remember. Sorry if at any point I’ve made you think it’s turned into more.”
He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “No, you have nothing to apologise for. It’s me that should be apologising. You’re right, it was only dinner. I’m sorry if I overstepped the mark. I just … just … oh, I don’t know. I’m just sorry, okay?” he shakes his head.
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it. It’s just I meant it before when I said I needed some time,” I explain.
“I know. Blame it on a momentary lapse of judgement, or the blonde hair. Whichever one that gets you to forgive me,” he laughs gently.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I smile.
“Good,” He grins. “If time is what you need, then time is what you’ll have. If friendship is all that’s available at the moment, then you better be prepared. I’m going to be the best friend you’ve ever had,” he jokes while nudging me with his elbow playfully.
“Now that I’m looking forward to,” I nudge back.
Chapter Eleven
It’s been over a week since my night out with Travis.
Over a week since I last saw Ryder.
A few times when I was out and about, walking Max or nipping to the village to pick up some shopping, I could have sworn I felt his presence. But if he wa
s there, he never showed himself. But just because I’ve not seen him in over a week, doesn’t mean I’ve not thought about him. In fact, I’ve thought about Ryder every single day, and every single night he’s consumed each of my dreams.
Travis however, he’s stuck to his promise. He’s come over for dinner and a movie every evening like clockwork. We’ve settled into a great friendship, and over this past week, I really feel as though I’ve learnt so much more about him. I just wish I didn’t have to lie to him about Ryder. That secret hangs over me like a black cloud, ready at any moment to open up and spill its deceitful consequences.
It’s ten o'clock and Travis has just left. I nip upstairs and change into one of my long white cotton nightdress. Wrapping a matching dressing gown around me I come back downstairs and start to clear the popcorn away.
Max howls and begins to scratch at the back door signalling he wants to go out. I drop the half-eaten bowl of sweet popcorn on the kitchen side and open the door. A cool breeze blows into the kitchen. It feels refreshing, so I leave the cleaning temporarily and make my way out into the garden with Max.
The sky is patched by clouds, bright stars and a full moon. Walking in bare feet, I step off the patio and out onto the fresh lawn. The grass is damp between my toes and it feels good. Closing my eyes, I raise my head towards the sky and take a deep lungful of the clear cool air.
A drop of rain splashes against my cheek ... then another and another and it’s not long before the heavens open and I’m stood in a downpour. I laugh thinking back to the old Willow – she would have run out of the rain as fast as her legs could’ve carried her. But the Willow I am today enjoys the feeling of the cool water against her skin. I stay standing in the middle of the lawn as the rain beats down on me until there isn’t a dry patch left.
Max barks loudly from behind, so I turn to see what’s wrong. He’s stood in the dry kitchen doorway looking at me with his head tilted. I smile as the dog judges me for standing out in the rain. Huffing loudly with nostrils flared, Max turns and walks further back into the house.
Max has probably got the right idea by seeking shelter inside, so I begin to walk across the saturated lawn towards the house. I stare down at my feet as they press into the soft grass. Little puddles of water gather between my toes. I’m mesmerised watching the footprints left behind, that I almost miss hearing my name being gently carried through the breeze. I wait a few moments, but I don’t hear anything other than the rain falling on the leaves of the large oak tree, so I continue forward. I almost reach the stone patio when I hear my name again.
I stop and turn around, but no one’s there. My heart begins to speed up and my nerves tingle as blood rushes to the surface of my skin. There’s nothing to see but my brother’s large garden and the darkness. But I know for sure this time that I heard my name being called. Holding my breath, I slowly turn a full circle on the spot, when next to the oak tree is where I see him.
“Ryder, what are you doing here?” I ask as he steps out from the tree’s shadow.
He’s soaked dressed in black jeans and a black t-shirt. His dark floppy hair is dripping wet and has been swept back allowing me to see every line on his perfectly pale face. His bright blue eye’s swirl with heat, but his face remains serious. As usual, he ignores my question.
“I said what the hell are you doing here Ryder?” I stand my ground folding my arms across my chest.
With his head bowed low he takes a few predatory steps towards me.
“I had to come and see you,” he growls out.
“Why?” I ask simply.
“Because,” he answers bluntly.
“Because … really! Is that all you’re going to say? Because? I’m sorry, but ‘because’ isn’t going to cut it,” I retort. “Why are you here Ryder? It’s been over a week since I last saw you. Why now?” I ask again.
I know I shouldn’t be wasting my time arguing with him. Especially after everything I know about him. But I find I can’t help myself, I’m like a magnet to this man. It’s almost impossible for me to pull away.
He takes another step closer as I lower my arms to my sides, closing the gap between us further. His bright blue eyes penetrate my soul and I’m a prisoner to his stare. I couldn’t look away right now even if my life depended on it. He has my full attention, and he knows it. I watch as he slowly wets his lips while his breathing speeds up - I’m affecting him too.
“Because Willow,” He says while taking another step closer. We’re so close now that we could touch if one of us were to reach out.
“Because since that first day in the library, you fill my every waking thought.”
“Because every time I close my eyes, I’m tormented by dreams of only you.”
“Because I yearn to hold you in my arms and stroke your silky soft skin.”
“Because every single fibre in my entire body burns from the desperate need to pick you up, to take you to my bed and never let you go!” he shouts.
“So now do you see why I said ‘because’ … I have no other choice when it comes to you! I’m a slave to my desires ... my need ... my want of you. You consume every single part of me, and I don’t know why. It’s driving me fucking insane. That’s why!”
I’m lost ... lost for words and lost for breath. My heart races in my chest as my ears burn from the heat of his words. No man has ever spoken to me with such raw emotions full of passion, and I never thought that that kind of deep animalistic desire could come from someone like Ryder.
Everything that Travis has said of him made him sound cold and emotionless, absent of any kind of passion or feelings apart from hate and anger. But here and now I feel like I’m stood in front of a completely different man to the one he knows and the one I thought I knew. The foggy confusion I felt recently is starting to clear and I realise I was never confused.
I was in denial.
I’ve denied the reality that all along I’ve had feelings for Ryder. Feelings that are only increasing in strength with every day that passes. He’s like a drug to me, and I’m addicted.
I open my mouth to respond but I’m unable to speak. I look up into Ryder’s bright cold eyes as he reaches out and tucks a wet strand of hair back behind my ear. His touch is feather-light, and it takes me all my concentration not to melt into his touch. I remain fixed on his stare as his hand lowers down my body, settling at my waist.
He pauses a moment to see if I’m going to push him away. But I don’t, I want to see where this is going to go. With one hand still at my waist, he begins to tug on the wet belt of my dressing gown, and it comes undone easily. Running both his hands up each of my arms he pauses again at my shoulders. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth before he gently pushes my wet dressing gown off, and it falls to the ground in a soggy heap.
Ryder lowers his arms and looks me up and down. I feel exposed and vulnerable as I’m left standing in my soaking wet nightdress as the rain continues to pour down. However, the feeling doesn’t last long, and I grab the bottom of his wet polo shirt. Lifting it, I pull it up and over his ripped stomach. Ryder gently takes it from my hands and pulls it the rest of the way up and over his head, and dropping it next to my dressing gown. His body is perfectly toned, and I can’t help but run my hands down the length of his smooth chest. He smiles down at me as I rest both my hands against him, heart beating hard under my fingertips.
We stay looking at each other as Ryder cups the side of my face by my jaw.
“What have you done to me Willow?” he whispers.
“You’ve done it to me too,” I answer quietly.
His eyes dart quickly to my lips and back as he lowers his head closer. With his fingers now twined in the back of my hair, our foreheads are almost touching. His free hand rests on my hip and my breathing hitches slightly at finally feeling him touch me.
With one hand resting on his chest, I reach up with the other and place it on the side of his beautiful smooth face. He tilts his head ever so slightly into my touch and cl
oses his eyes for the briefest of moments. When he opens them again his bright eyes look tortured, he’s struggling to keep his composure. He wants to give in, but something is holding him back.
The ache waiting to feel his lips on mine is killing me. I can’t hold out any longer.
“Do it …” I whisper.
That’s all he needed. Relief quickly sweeps through the air, before being replaced by greed and lust. His fingers dig deep into my hip, gripping my flesh underneath when he finally closes the gap between us crushing his lips against mine. His cold lips feel like heaven and I’m quickly overpowered by his kiss. It’s full of the passion and heat he spoke with earlier and I can’t help grasping him, kissing him deeper and harder. Desperation takes over and we’re like two starved animals, unable to keep our hands off each other. I find it hard to breathe between kisses, but I don’t care. All I care about is getting as much of Ryder as physically possible.
In the rough fury of our kiss, Ryder manages to nip my lip making it bleed, but I don’t let it stop me. I keep kissing him hard and my blood smears against his lips making him suddenly stop and pull back with a look of pure dread.
“What? What’s wrong?” I ask panting as Ryder lets go and steps away from me.
“Your lip … it’s bleeding,” he replies. His chest heaving as though he’s just run a marathon. His eyes fixated on the small cut to my lower lip.
I touch the cut, dabbing it with the end of my finger then inspecting it. The smallest drop of blood sits on my fingertip.
“It’s ok, it doesn’t hurt. It’s only the tiniest of cuts … see,” I say stepping towards him to show him my finger.