Covet thy Neighbor

by Denise Carbo

  “Why do you feel obligated and guilty for his actions?”

  “Because every time she tells stories of how wonderful Wyatt is, I want to punch something. It’s a lie. He wasn’t the man any of us thought he was. I’m sorry he’s dead, so damn sorry, but I’m glad he didn’t live to destroy his family.” He stares at me. “How fucked up is that?”

  “It’s not, not at all. You’re grieving your brother, the good and the bad. Barbara probably had some inkling not everything was perfect, women usually do, but when we lose someone, we tend to rewrite history a little bit and focus on all the good things and let the bad fade away.”

  “So, I should let her go on thinking he was perfect?”

  “Absolutely. What point would there be in tarnishing the memory she has of him? It wouldn’t make anyone feel better, least of all you.”

  He nods and rubs his forehead. “You wouldn’t want to know?”

  I stare at the casserole in the center of the table. Would I want to know if Ryan had cheated on me during our marriage? Yeah, I would, but Ryan is alive for me to confront. Wyatt isn’t around to defend himself—not that I can think of a single legitimate defense for cheating.

  “No, I really don’t think I would. Let her have the wonderful memories. He could have changed his mind. They might have worked it out.”

  Luke rubs the back of his neck. “You’re right, there’s no point in dredging it up. I’d like to think Wyatt would have come to his senses.”

  I cut the casserole and put a slice on each of our plates. “It’s going to get cold if we don’t eat.”

  He picks up his fork and takes a piece.

  He’s not in love with Barbara, but how does he feel about me? I take a nibble of the sweet, cinnamon topped treat.

  “About what I said earlier…” I shift in my chair. “That I’m in love with you.”

  He glances at me and back down at his plate to cut another piece. “I care about you. I like what we have.”

  “But you don’t love me.”

  “I’m not that type of guy.”

  “What type is that?”

  “The relationship type.”

  “I see.” I lay down my fork and wipe my mouth with my napkin. “Thank you for your honesty.”

  “That doesn’t mean we can’t go on as we are, I just don’t want you expecting something to happen which won’t.”

  I bite the tip of my tongue to push back the tears building behind my eyes. I align my plate so it’s centered on the placemat and fold my napkin and place it next to the plate.

  He gave me my answer. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but that’s the risk you take when you ask hard questions.

  “Understood.” I can feel his gaze on me, but I’m not ready to meet it. “Do you want more casserole?”

  “No, thanks though, it’s delicious.”

  I force a smile and stand. “Then I’ll wrap it up and put it in the fridge. You can heat up individual pieces for you and your parents when they come.”

  Luke stands up as I walk around the table into the kitchen and open the fridge. “Olivia, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “I know you don’t. You’re not responsible for my feelings.”

  He’s standing in the middle of the kitchen when I find a spot for the casserole dish and turn around. He reaches for me.

  I step back butting up against the fridge and put my hands up. “Please don’t. I need some time to think.” I wrap my arms around my middle and scan the kitchen and family room, the only two rooms I can see and the only ones I’ve ever been in. “I know I said I’d help you prepare for your parents’ visit, but do you mind if I cancel on you?”

  “Of course not, but can we talk about this some more? I don’t like seeing you upset.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head. You have no idea how upset I really am.

  “Not today. Let’s both take the time to think, okay? You have your parents’ visit to concentrate on and the holidays.”

  I walk down the hallway to the front door and put on the coat he gave me.

  “Olivia…”

  “Please don’t say anything right now.” The last thing I want or need is to have him give me empty platitudes to make me feel better. I open the door. “Goodbye, Luke. Merry Christmas.”

  He takes the door from my hand before I can shut it. I meet his gaze and glance away as I turn and walk down his steps. I listen for the telltale clunk of wood rubbing together when a door closes, but it doesn’t come. Please don’t call out to me, don’t say anymore.

  When I reach the road it finally comes, the door closes. Tears spill from my eyes. The frigid air chills the salty tears on my face like streams of ice. I trudge up my driveway and walk with my gaze planted on the ground in front of me.

  Why doesn’t he love me?

  He wasn’t even open to the possibility of loving me.

  I can no longer blame his feelings for Barbara. He doesn’t love her. She’s not the reason he doesn’t love me. I’m the reason he doesn’t love me.

  What is it about me that men find unlovable?

  Am I not attractive enough? Interesting enough?

  My front door opens and closes with a soft click. I lean back against the cool surface. My chin trembles and put a fist to my mouth as my throat spasms and a wrenching sob shakes loose. I slide down the door and lay my head on my knees as my shoulders shake.

  I can’t catch my breath. Tears flow down my face, drenching everything in their path.

  I lose track of time.

  The sobs lessen. My throat is raw. Pain throbs behind my eyes.

  I haven’t cried this hard since—never. Not even over my divorce, or when I found out I was pregnant and had to drop out of school. Nothing has hurt this much.

  Why did I ever wish to feel this way about someone? The boys and I were just fine on our own and we’ll continue to be so once I dig this cleaver out of the center of my chest where my heart is supposed to be.

  My leg cramps so I drag myself up off the floor and scrub my palms over my cheeks.

  Love sucks.

  Chapter 37

  Oli sits on the couch next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. “It’s the happiest day of the year. Why are you so blue?”

  I lean my head against him and watch the boys play with their new dog they named Sparky. It was a heated debate between the two of them when I brought him home on Tuesday whether to keep the name the shelter gave him, Cowboy, or to rename him. The dog seems quite content with his new name and home and owners. He’s been a thankful distraction for them the past few days while I wallowed in self-pity.

  Dad sits in his recliner dividing his attention between watching the boys and dog play and the television. Mom putters around in the kitchen. She waved me off after I helped her clean up the brunch dishes.

  Oli nudges me with his shoulder. “What gives, Sis?”

  “It’s a long story, not meant for little ears,” I whisper to him.

  “I think the dog could use a walk. Why don’t you two take him outside to play?”

  Timmy and Tommy jump up.

  “Coats, boots, and gloves, and stay in the yard.” They nod in my direction as they herd the dog towards the door and don their gear.

  Oli glances down once the door closes behind the trio. “You were saying?”

  I look over at Dad.

  “You really think he can hear a word we’re saying?” He turns to our father. “Hey Dad, what do you think of the Pats trading their star quarterback?”

  Dad doesn’t stir.

  “See, if he heard any of that, he would have had plenty to say. It was the only thing he talked about for most of the summer and fall.”

  I smile.

  “I noticed Ryan isn’t in attendance.”

  “I told you we mutually decided it wouldn’t work. We’re not in love with each other.”

  “So this isn’t about him?”

  I shake my head and sigh. “No.”

  “School? Wor
k? You said you aced your finals.”

  “I did and there is something I want to tell you about work. It’s a good thing, an exceptionally good thing.” I glance around to make sure no one is listening. “Franny is making me a partner in the business. She loved all my proposals. The lawyer is drawing up the paperwork for us to sign.”

  “That’s fantastic!”

  “Shh…I don’t want to announce it until everything is complete.”

  “That’s fantastic,” he whispers.

  I shake my head and smile. “It is, isn’t it?”

  “So, work is going great, it’s not school or Ryan. Is something going on with the boys?”

  “No, they’re good.” I pull my knees up on the couch and wrap my arms around them. “You remember my neighbor?”

  “The one who’s in love with his sister-in-law?”

  “Turns out he’s not. Problem is he’s not in love with me either.”

  “But you’re in love with him? I thought that was over.”

  “It was, then it wasn’t. I went and fell head over heels, but he doesn’t feel the same.”

  “How do you know he doesn’t? Wait, let me guess, you asked him.”

  “Pretty much. Now I’ve been wallowing in self-pity ever since. He wants to keep things between us the same, basically a friends with benefits sort of arrangement.”

  “Want me to beat him up?”

  I chuckle. “No.”

  “You sure? I don’t mind at all.”

  “We’re not kids anymore—you can’t fight my battles for me.”

  “Sure I can.”

  “I have to take care of my own messes.”

  “You always do. You’re the most self-sufficient person I know.”

  “I doubt that, but it’s nice to hear.”

  “It’s the truth. So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. Is it stupid to think he might grow to love me, or am I deluding myself? What would you do if you were in love with someone who didn’t love you back?”

  “I can’t tell you what to do. It’s not my heart that’s involved. Do you want to walk away or do you want to take a chance he’ll wake up and see how amazing you are and fall head over heels in love with you?”

  “I’m not a quitter.”

  “Didn’t think so, but the beating him up offer remains if he doesn’t wise up.”

  I laugh and give him a one arm hug. “You’re the best brother. I love you and I promise to beat up any woman who you fall for too.”

  “Never gonna happen, but I appreciate the offer.”

  I elbow him in the side. “We’ll see.”

  “What would you say if I told you I was thinking of moving back to New Hampshire?”

  I sit up straight and stare. “Are you serious? I would love that! But what about your job? Where would you live? Has something happened?”

  “Slow down, Miss zero to sixty in three seconds, I said I was thinking about it. I haven’t decided yet. Nothing’s happened with my job or anything else.”

  “Then why? Not that I’m complaining.”

  “I don’t know. I’m antsy. Bored with my job and life in Boston. I miss being here with my family. I’m confident I can get a job pretty much anywhere I want.”

  “Lucky you.”

  “Hey, when you’re good, you’re good.”

  Laughing, I shove his arm. “Well, I would love to have you close by and so would your nephews. Have you mentioned this to Mom or Dad at all?”

  “You think I’m crazy? Like you, I’m not saying a word until I reach a decision.”

  “Okay, mums the word, but just know inside I’m squealing like a little kid.”

  He chuckles and rubs the top of my head. “Hey, I like the new hairdo by the way.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What do you say we join your little monsters outside in the snow?”

  I jump up and run to the door to get my coat and boots on. “I say I’m still the reigning snowball champion in this family.”

  “Ha, you’re the only one who has ever called you that.” Oli pushes me out of the way to grab his boots and coat.

  I hop on one foot trying to gain my balance and fall against the wall. He takes the opportunity to grab the door first. I use my elbow and shoulder to shove him aside and dart out the door.

  The boys and Sparky freeze in place when I come running outside.

  “Snowball fight!”

  They shout with glee and run towards me.

  The battle ensues and ends with me covered in snow and the boys declaring themselves the victors. I concede my title to them.

  Mom ushers us inside with the lure of hot chocolate and dessert.

  Oli and the boys take their mugs into the living room to finish their hot chocolates. Dad naps in his recliner and the dog snoozes in front of the fire.

  “It’s such a shame Ryan couldn’t celebrate with us.”

  I sip my cocoa and turn around. Mom stands at the sink folding a dishtowel.

  “Mom, Ryan and I are divorced.”

  “He came for Thanksgiving and has been around a lot lately.”

  If I tell her we even considered getting back together, she’ll latch on and never let go. “He’ll always be a part of my life because of the boys, but we’re not getting back together.”

  She drops the dishtowel on the counter and takes off her green apron with tiny golden Christmas trees. “He’s a good man.”

  “Yes he is, but I’m not in love with him and he’s not in love with me.”

  She frowns and places her hands on her hips. “What about the neighbor? Are you in love with him?”

  I huff out a breath. Of course she knows, she always seems to know everything. I used to think it was a mom trait, but I’m a mom and never seem to know anything.

  “Yes, but he’s not in love with me either.”

  Her eyebrows collide over her pale blue eyes. “Why the hell not?”

  The shock of my mom swearing startles a chuckle out of me.

  “I don’t know, Mom. I’m not giving up on him, though.”

  She nods. “Invite him to dinner. We should get to know him better.”

  “I’m not sure he’s ready for that step.”

  She slips her arm around my waist. “They never are. Your father made excuse after excuse why he couldn’t meet your grandparents. Finally, I resorted to trickery. I told him they were out for the evening when I invited him to dinner and when he arrived, I told him the couple they had plans with canceled.”

  “I never knew that.”

  “That’s because I never told your father the truth either. He likes to believe everything is his idea and that he was the driving force behind our relationship.”

  “I had no idea you could be so sneaky.”

  “You don’t know everything about your father and I. Parents should have some secrets from their children.”

  “On that we can agree.” I don’t need or want to know everything, nor do I want to my kids to know all my secrets.

  Mom laughs and gives me a squeeze. “Your young man needs a push in the right direction. He has feelings for you. I saw that with my own eyes. Give it time.”

  “Patience has never been a strength of mine.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  Chapter 38

  “Olivia, there’s someone here to see you.” Sally stands in the opening between the kitchen and the front of the bakery. “He looks like the picture of the author in the back of that book we read for book club. Ya know, Barbara’s brother or brother-in-law or something?”

  My hands drop into my lap. Luke is here?

  I surge to my feet, then grab the back of the chair when my legs get weak.

  “Olivia, do you want to see him?” Franny walks over and puts her hand on my arm. She knows the entire story. I poured my heart out to her after Christmas.

  Sally’s gaze darts back and forth between us. She steps farther into the kitchen and puts her hands on her hips. “I can tell him you
’re too busy or that you left.”

  “No.” I shake my head and hold up a hand. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Franny rubs my arm. “Why don’t you take a few minutes and then I’ll send him back so you can speak in private, okay?”

  “Thanks, Franny.”

  She follows Sally back into the front of the bakery while I turn and grab the back of the chair with both hands and take a deep slow breath. No reason to be nervous. Just because I haven’t seen him since before Christmas when I told him I was in love with him and he told me he doesn’t feel the same, is no reason to feel like I can’t breathe or my heart is going to explode.

  A throat clears and I turn around. Franny is in the opening with Luke standing behind her. She raises her eyebrows and purses her lips as if to ask one more time if I want to see him.

  I bite my lip and give her as much of a reassuring smile as I can. She turns and stares at him for a minute before looking back at me. “I’ll be right out front if you need me.”

  Luke moves to the side to let her pass but doesn’t take his gaze off me. My heart flips over. His dark blond hair needs a trim, it’s brushing the tops of his eyes. He looks tired. There are dark circles under his eyes.

  Is he okay? Did something happen? He didn’t have another drinking episode over Wyatt, did he? I take a step forward.

  He walks halfway across the kitchen towards me. “I’m sorry for bothering you here at work.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No.” He runs a hand through his hair and rubs the back of his neck. “Are you avoiding me?” He plants his hands on his hips and shakes his head. “Stupid question.”

  “I’m not avoiding you.”

  He stares at me and stuffs his hands in the front pockets of his jeans making his coat bunch at the sides. “I’ve stopped by your house a few times. You’re never home.”

  “You have?”

  He nods.

  I wrap my arms around my waist. “I…well, it’s been hectic with the holidays and some family drama. My cousin’s wedding is off. She found her fiancé in bed with his best man so she was understandably upset and so was her mother—my aunt. It turned into a whole thing. Then, the kids and I went to Boston to help Ryan find an apartment. He got the promotion he was hoping for. My dad fell shoveling snow and broke his hip. So I’ve been over my parents’ house helping Mom take care of him as much as I can. Franny and I have been finalizing all the details with my partnership in the bakery.” I shrug. “It’s just been busy.”