by Anna Albo
“I’ll get over it. It’s not like I expected it. But man, if I’d been accepted, my dad would have been over the moon. Any news on your end?”
“Wisconsin was a yes and so was Texas. Tell me again why I applied there?”
“Just for kicks. And Cornell?”
“They’re making me wait for my rejection.”
“Who needs those Ivy League bastards anyway.”
I picked at the whole wheat bread of my sandwich. “Just a few more weeks and we graduate. Can you believe it?”
“No. And I’m going to have the biggest party this school has ever seen. No Eric this time.”
“And then law school.”
“We are going to make kickass lawyers.”
“So why am I so nervous?”
Sympathy spread on Anita’s face. “Maybe because it’s a little nerve-wracking? It’ll be fine, you know that, right?”
“I’m a little anxious, that’s all. Like something bad is about to happen.”
“What could possibly happen? We’ve been accepted; there’s no turning back.”
I nodded. “You’re right. No turning back.”
THAT FRIDAY I WENT to Jason’s after work. He was at work for another couple of hours so, after a long shower, I rifled through my backpack looking for my comfy clothes. Wrapped in a towel, my hair still dripping wet, I sat on the edge of the bed with my clothes sitting on my lap. Sitting across from me on his dresser table were a pile of books. He’d mentioned that he wanted to start purging what little he had from the apartment. Could he be making room for me?
I grabbed the stack and looked through them. One book was on automobile repair, another was a biography, and two were works of fiction I’d never heard of. The last one bulged a little and I opened it to find a stack of pictures, all of Laura. Jason was with her in a few and others were just candid shots of her. In some she was being playful, serious in others, and outright beautiful in the rest. He’d kept them, but why? As much as I wanted to, I could never ask him.
I put the pictures back and replaced the books. I dressed and then did my hair and put on a touch of makeup. No need to frighten him when he got home. I settled into some studying at his dining room table and got in an hour before Jason came home.
“Hey,” he said, finding me and kissing me quickly on the lips. “I desperately need a shower.”
He left and I closed my books. I went to the bedroom and waited for him. I sat cross-legged on his bed, and when he came from the bathroom, a towel around his waist, he flinched when he saw me.
“You trying to scare me?” he asked, droplets of water trailing down his chest to the waiting towel.
“No.”
“What’s up?”
Did I let him get dressed first? Did I care?
“Let me start by saying that I wasn’t snooping.”
Jason’s eyes narrowed. “That sounds ominous. Since I’m pretty sure I have nothing to hide, I’m not too worried. I am going to change, though.”
He threw on some jeans and a shirt and sat with me on the bed. “So, what did you find?” he asked, a sly smile on his lips.
“You really aren’t worried.”
He shook his head.
“So those books on your dresser,” I said, pointing to them, “there are pictures in one of them.”
His face was completely blank. Nothing appeared to compute. Finally he spoke. “What kind of pictures?”
“You seriously don’t remember?”
“No. Not even a little.”
I got up and grabbed the book. I handed it to him and he took it. He flipped it open and thumbed through the pictures, his face making no reaction. “They’re old. Probably been there for years. What’s the big deal?” He said it like I’d found an old report card. Either he was the greatest actor to ever live, or genuinely didn’t think there was anything wrong.
“You kept them. That’s kind of weird.”
“But I don’t remember them being there, so they aren’t that memorable. Do you want me to toss them? I will if it makes you feel better.”
I looked at him and then at the pictures in his hand. “Yes, I want you to toss them.”
He ripped them up for good measure and tossed them in the garbage bin. “See, all done.”
Why couldn’t I have done that with all my pictures and mementos from my time with Eric? Up until a few months ago, I’d kept them, and here Jason was, making it look so easy to turn his back on the past.
We moved back to the living room and I snuggled up with him on the sofa. We could have gone out to the movies but after school and a long shift at Anthony’s, the only thing on my mind was staying in.
“How come you never talk about your military days?”
“What do you want to know?” he asked, gently running fingers through my hair.
“What was it like?”
“It wasn’t a picnic.”
Did I dare ask the question that any curious person would want to know? I hesitated only because the answer frightened me. I sat up cross-legged and faced him. If I wanted to know things, I had to be sincere about it, and looking him in the eye was the only way I could think of. “Did you see any dead bodies?”
His eyes were trained on mine like we were having a staring contest, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable, or maybe it was just the topic that made me uneasy. “Yes,” he answered.
A chill went through me. “Did you lose any friends there?”
“No close friends, but people I knew died. I still have some very good friends serving overseas, so I hope they all come home safe.”
“Did you ever have to kill someone?” There, I’d asked it.
“No.”
I felt like I’d been holding my breath forever and when he answered no, my body relaxed. “What was your job there?”
“Before we delve too deep into the topic, I want you to know my tours there and our mission in Afghanistan isn’t up for debate. I’m not going to justify our involvement there.”
“Just so you know, I’m not my mom, so don’t expect an interrogation. I’m just curious.”
“I don’t talk about it because it’s war. It’s not fun. Wonderful things don’t happen in a war.”
“What did you do there?”
“Mostly patrol of villages. Thankfully I was in an area of the country that didn’t see combat. The area was pretty secure, but it didn’t take long for that to change. There was one attack on a nearby village and some of us were sent there, but by the time we got there, the Taliban had already raped, killed, and burned everything they’d come for.”
“Were you scared?”
A thoughtful look spread across his stone face. “Anyone who tells you they weren’t scared is full of it.”
“So what if your kids wanted to join the army? What would you say to them?”
“I’d probably try to talk them out of it, but if they wanted to, I wouldn’t stop them either. War has changed. A lot of the battles aren’t fought by soldiers; technology has taken over. That’s not to say there were days I wasn’t scared shitless.”
I left it there. I didn’t need to know more.
I HEARD MY PHONE CHIME. I opened my heavy eyelids and stared at the phone lying on the nightstand next to Jason’s bed. Hadn’t I put that thing on silent? I sat up to see a non-life-threatening text from Anita wondering if I wanted to go shopping with her later that afternoon. I answered her text, then I checked my email. My hands started to shake.
Maybe I was frozen there a while, I have no idea. Jason woke up and rubbed sleep from his eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he mumbled. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Who texted you? Is it bad news?”
I turned to Jason and I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, like a vampire had drained me of all my blood and my soul was rising from the empty corpse.
“I’ve been accepted to Cornell.”
CHAPTER 19
My voice held no emotion. I was in too much shock.
�
�Holy shit! Congratulations,” he said, scooping me into his arms. The shock was still setting in and I didn’t react.
“Call your parents and tell them.”
“Yeah, I will. I’ll tell them later.”
“I can see the surprise is still sinking in. You were more excited about getting into the University of Minnesota.”
“I didn’t think I even had a chance at Cornell. Anita didn’t get into Northwestern.”
“You did tell me your GPA was higher.”
I put down my phone, got out of bed, and started pacing the room. Cornell had never been in the plans for so many reasons. I couldn’t afford it, it was far away from home, and it was far away from Jason, but he was too excited for me to tell him there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going.
“What’s going on? You should be over the moon,” he said.
“I am, I’m just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“How I’m going to tell Anita,” I lied. “She’ll be a little jealous.”
“She’ll get over it.”
“You’re right, she will. I’ll tell her tomorrow.”
He came over to me and put his arms around me. “Who knew my girlfriend would be an Ivy League student? Gracie, I’m so happy for you.”
I’d have to break the bad news to him later. For now, I wasn’t going to ruin his good mood.
FOR A WEEK I TOLD NO one. If I told my parents, they would make me go. If I told Anita, she’d make me go. The truth was, I didn’t want to go. Finally I had someone in my life I loved—yes, I admitted it, I loved him—and if I left, what would happen? Could we survive three years of me being away? Jason wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want to go. Anita and I had plans to go to school together, and at U of M nothing would change. We’d be in classes together, at least for a little while. We’d have each other all the time.
And the last reason was that no matter how I crunched the numbers—not that I’d bothered doing that since I found out—I couldn’t make it work. Even with Grandpa’s trust fund, financial aid, and the few thousand I’d saved, I couldn’t cover tuition, room and board, and everything else. The last thing I wanted my parents to do was put a mortgage on the house. With the money Mom made teaching, it barely covered the bills and all the other expenses. I just couldn’t let them overextend themselves.
Thankfully, I found the huge white envelope from Cornell Law School in the mailbox before my parents did. I ran it upstairs and hid it under the bed. To think, at one time it was my dream, my escape, and now I wanted to burn it.
I knew it was time to tell Anita. We were sitting in Starbucks studying. Her head was down in her books and I was just staring at a blank laptop screen. I shut it and fixed my eyes on Anita. Slowly her gaze rose to meet mine.
“You’re freaking me out. Why are you looking at me like that?”
Another reason I didn’t tell her was because I didn’t want her to feel bad. She’d try to hide it, but it would devastate her that I got into Cornell and she didn’t get into Northwestern.
“I have to tell you something.”
Anita gasped. “Are you pregnant? Is that why you’ve been acting so weird?”
“God, no! Nothing like that.”
She let out a deep sigh of relief. “Okay, what is it?”
There was no point in prolonging my agony. “I got accepted to Cornell.”
I said it like I had six months to live. Anita tilted her head to one side as if to figure out what to make of me.
“Grace, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you, but why aren’t you happy?”
My eyes began to well up with tears. We were in a secluded corner with no other tables around us. Anita reacted quickly and dragged her chair over next to me.
“Why are you so upset?”
“I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.”
“But this is Cornell. What are you talking about?” Anita voice quivered for a second and I knew emotions were getting the better of her too.
“I’m finally so happy. If I go, then what happens?”
“Oh no, is this about Jason? Grace, you can’t turn your back on the rest of your life for a guy. Is he trying to convince you not to go?”
“No, he thinks I’m going,” I said, taking a napkin and dabbing away the tears that threatened to fall.
“You have to go!”
“Even if Jason weren’t in the picture, I can’t afford it. I won’t put myself in that much debt.”
“You’ll get financial aid and some scholarships. You’re fucking brilliant! I can talk to my dad. He loves you and he’d loan you some money.”
“I’m not taking your dad’s money!”
“You are using money as an excuse. Look, if Jason is meant to be, the two of you will survive three years apart. Besides, it’s not like you’re never going to see him. You have spring, summer, and winter break—lots of time to spend with him.”
The sad fact was that despite Jason, money was the problem. I knew that my parents’ financial situation would hurt my prospects of getting enough money together. I’d done the math long ago and knew there would be at least a twenty-thousand-dollar shortfall every year, money I couldn’t come up with unless my parents mortgaged the house. That’s why U of M was the only real law school I would have ever been able to attend. I could still work part time, and with tuition being less and not having to pay room and board, I could make it work.
“I don’t have to let them know for another month,” I said. What she didn’t know was that I couldn’t accept.
“Talk it over with your mom and dad. You can work this out, and I’m going to talk to my dad. If it makes you feel more comfortable, the two of you could come up with a loan agreement. It can happen, I promise.”
“Why aren’t you mad that I got into Cornell? You really should be. Northwestern dropped the ball with you.”
Anita smiled and squeezed my arm. “I’ve never told you, but without you motivating me and keeping me focused, there’s no way I would have even got into U of M. You may not know this, but you’ve been carrying me for a long time, so Cornell is damn lucky to have you. And when we get established and we are kick-butt lawyers, we’ll start our own firm and turn this city upside down. And I think having a Cornell Law School graduate will look really good on the letterhead.”
I gave her a big hug and we both started to cry. The moment was too touching for me to wreck.
JASON AND I WERE GOING to a movie Saturday night but I was running late at work. Lily called in sick, and one of the new girls was taking her shift but would be a little late. I texted Jason to let him know I’d meet him at his place, but he didn’t reply to my text until I was getting on the bus.
Jason: On the other side of town. Easier to meet at your parents’.
Me: How long will you be?
Jason: Twenty minutes tops.
Easier for him, maybe. The problem was that I still hadn’t told my parents, and if history was any indication, Jason couldn’t be trusted with information. I checked my watch. The bus ride would be twenty minutes, maybe a minute or two faster because it was Saturday. Not only did I have to be there before him, I needed to get changed for the movies and be ready to go before he even set foot in the house. This was a tall order.
I tapped my foot to the annoyance of the passenger next to me. I stopped when she gave me stink eye. Maybe my parents were out? Fat chance. Where would they go? Maybe Mom would be grocery shopping, and he probably wouldn’t tell Dad without Mom there, except that he probably thought they both knew. Crap, crap, and double crap.
I tapped my foot again. I needed to come up with something.
Me: Can you stop and get a box of Band-Aids? Wal-Mart has them on sale.
It was the best thing I could come up with. I waited. If he was driving he wasn’t likely to text me back. He abhorred people who texted while driving. A few minutes passed and I knew this wasn’t good. By the time he stopped to read the text it would be too late.
> Jason: Fabric or plastic?
Me: Fabric.
Thank God! By the time he got to Wal-Mart, found the Band-Aids, and paid for them, I’d be home, ready and outside waiting for him. I relaxed a bit and leaned back in my seat planning what to wear. No time to shower and get the stench of coffee out of my hair.
When we got to my stop I jumped off the bus and half ran the two blocks home. As I turned the corner my heart plummeted. Jason’s truck was in the driveway. The swift punch in the gut of what waited inside knocked the wind right out of me.
CHAPTER 20
I could only hope that somehow he hadn’t spilled the beans, but when I walked through the door the huge white envelope from Cornell Law School was waiting for me on the front table next to the box of Band-Aids. Touché, Jason. My knees buckled but I managed to stay on my feet.
Jason appeared from the living room but said nothing. Obviously he’d seen the envelope, but what I didn’t know was if he’d told them anything. Mom came down the stairs and stopped on the last step, making her a good six inches taller than me. She pointed to the envelope.
“I found that under your bed while I was vacuuming today. Why haven’t you opened it?”
Jason’s gaze burned through me, but I kept my eyes trained on my mom, not that that was any safer.
“I already know what’s in it.”
Now Dad was in the foyer. All four of us were standing there in some kind of awkward standoff. Jason leaned up against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest waiting to see how it all would play out. Maybe I could make him some popcorn so he could enjoy it more.
“What’s in it?” Mom asked.
I swallowed and took a deep breath. “Mom, I can’t go.”
Jason huffed and I ignored him.
“You were accepted?” Mom shrieked. “Why didn’t you tell us?” She leapt off the last step and threw her arms around me. “We are so proud of you, honey.” Dad jumped in too; I felt myself withering under their weight. Finally, they let me go and Mom asked why I was crying.