by Anna Albo
“Mom, I don’t want to go.”
Mom’s face fogged in confusion. “What? Why don’t you want to go?”
“I don’t want to go there anymore. I want to go to U of M, that way I can stay here.”
Mom’s stance hardened. “Why on earth would you not want to go? For years all I’ve heard about was you getting into Cornell. Every hour studying was spent trying to get the marks you needed. There’s only one thing that’s changed in the last few months and he’s standing over there,” Mom said, pointing a finger straight at Jason.
Mom was having her aha moment. We all looked at him like a jury in a high-profile court case. He didn’t say a word in his own defense, but I quickly jumped in.
“He’s not the reason. I can’t afford the tuition. I’ll be short every year and I do not want you guys to take out a mortgage on the house. I won’t let you! Why can’t you just accept that I don’t want to go anymore?”
“What makes you think he’ll even be around in five years?” Mom yelped. I’d never seen her so angry. “What makes you think he’ll be around in five minutes?”
“I should go,” Jason said quietly.
“Yes, you should!” Mom screamed.
He slipped out the door and I went ballistic. “How could you do that? It’s not his fault! I don’t want to go and that’s the end of it.”
“Let me make one thing very clear to you,” Mom said, her voice dipping into pure anger. “If you decide to go to school here, he is no longer welcome in this house.”
“Why? Is he welcome now?” I was starting to lose it.
“Gillian, that’s a little harsh now,” Dad said.
“No, John, I mean it. If she wants to throw away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some guy she just met, he’s not stepping foot in this house.”
“You’ve been looking for an excuse to hate him, so now you think you have it, and it’s not fair.”
“Eric would have encouraged you to go!”
I was blinded by rage. Eric? I took a few steps back from Mom to collect myself. Just his name made me want to break something. Three deep breaths, I kept telling myself, and after a handful of seconds I looked at Mom and knew it was time for some truths.
“Eric? Really? You see, Mom, Eric wouldn’t have cared. And maybe you’re right. He would have told me to go because then he could cheat on me while I was gone. But before you think that’s the reason I broke up with him, I will set you straight. The reason I dumped Eric is because he tried to rape me, Mom. Maybe you don’t want to believe that your sweet Eric would do that, but let me assure you that I have evidence to prove it. That’s the only way I could keep him away from me. That self-defense class you encouraged me to take came in really handy after he had me pinned to the ground. And good thing I have some decent makeup skills. You didn’t have a clue where the bruises were!”
Mom’s jaw dropped. My words were like a tornado ripping through her fantasy life where Eric was a saint and Jason, the devil. She quickly composed herself and reached out to me but I moved away.
“Honey, please tell me this isn’t true,” she begged.
“It’s true! And when you attack and vilify Jason, now you see why I defend him so much. He’s the anti-Eric and he makes me very happy.”
“Oh, no, honey, why didn’t you tell us? I’m so sorry.”
“It’s over, Mom. It happened more than a year ago. I’ve dealt with it. So please never, ever bring up his name again and let me do what I want!”
I stormed up the stairs, slammed my bedroom door, and collapsed on my bed, just what any mature twenty-two-year-old would do.
I DIDN’T TALK TO MY mom the next morning. I slipped out before she could launch another offensive and went over to help Evan and a heavily pregnant Sara paint the baby’s room yellow and purple. By the time I’d got there, Mom had already called and told them the news—well, just the Cornell news, not anything about Eric. I could see it on both their faces, like they were pretending to be casual but failing miserably.
“Mom obviously called you.”
Evan grinned meekly. “She wants us to talk to you. I told her we were minding our own businesses.”
“Good plan.”
“But . . .”
“Evan, I’m not going. You should know more than anyone that I can’t do it. It’s too expensive. I only applied there because I didn’t think I had a chance in hell of getting in. If I’d thought for a second I would have been accepted, I wouldn’t have bothered.”
“Mom would move mountains to get you there.”
“That would mean mortgaging the house. They can’t afford that.”
“Well, maybe if Dad got off his ass and found a job they wouldn’t have to do that.”
I shot him a look. He knew how much I hated when he attacked Dad. “I would love to talk about anything else but this. I have only a few hours before I have to get to work.”
Evan and I painted the room while Sara decorated. A few hours later they fed me lunch for my labor and I went to work. My shift was uneventful other than Jason coming around and asking me if I wanted to go and eat after my shift. I jumped at the opportunity not to go home. We settled on a burrito place.
“I’m starving,” I said, diving into my bean and cheese enchilada.
“How did it go with your parents after I left?”
“It didn’t go. I haven’t talked to them since. And I’m sorry my mom attacked you like that. She had no right. Anyway, let’s not talk about that.”
“I think we should.”
I hated the seriousness of his tone. “I don’t want to. I’d rather just forget about it.”
“I think your mom is right. You aren’t going to Cornell because of me.”
“Oh my God! I feel like I’m talking and no one is listening. I can’t afford it. Insufficient funds. No money. Insolvent. Chapter 11. Bankrupt. How many more ways can I say it?”
“I’ll loan you the money.”
“I don’t want money from you, Anita’s dad, or my parents!”
Something I said twigged with him. “Anita’s dad offered you money too?”
Damn. “No, not really. Anita did, so I can’t count it as reliable.”
“So let me get this straight. Everyone wants to help you out, but you still claim not to be able to afford it? Sorry, I’m not buying the bullshit you’re selling.”
The tension was rising between the two of us, but for some reason I refused to back down. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to go there anymore? Can’t I change my mind?”
He pushed his food away, mostly untouched, and leaned in closer to me. “So tell me, what changed your mind? I’m dying to know.”
“It’s far away and I’ve never been to that campus. It’s important to visit the campus of the school you intend to go to.”
“So let’s book a flight, or can you not afford it?”
I wasn’t appreciating his sarcasm. “U of M’s law school is one of the top twenty in the country.”
“So you aren’t booking a flight?”
“Why are you being such a jerk about this?”
“Because if you take me out of the equation, you’d be going to Cornell.”
“No. That’s wrong.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s right.”
“I’ve made my decision, and I’m not changing it.”
“Did you already send in your intention to decline? Tell me you haven’t.”
“I haven’t, but I’m going to this week.”
“What if I get transferred in a year or two? That could happen. Then where would this have gotten you? We’d still be apart.”
“Then we cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“So your decision is final?”
“One hundred percent final.”
He nodded. “Then I’m taking myself out of the equation.”
My world came to a thundering stop. “What?”
“I will not be the reason you turn your back on a d
ream. I can’t live with it and I won’t. I’m ending this. Us.”
My eyes bulged. “You cannot be serious!” This had to be some kind of stupid joke.
“I’m very serious. Ten years from now I don’t want you to look back and have regrets and wish you’d done things differently. Everything your mom said yesterday was true. We don’t know where we’ll be in a few years, and I can’t have this on my conscience. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I can’t screw things up for you.”
My anger turned to panic. “No, this isn’t fair. You can’t hold me hostage like this.”
“I’m not. I’m setting you free. Do you think I want to do this? I don’t. I love you, and I know I’ve never said that to you, but I do. And it will tear me up inside if you don’t follow your dreams.”
“My mom got to you, didn’t she!”
He shook his head solemnly. “Grace, I have to walk away.”
“So basically either way I lose you?” I didn’t care that I’d started crying in the middle of Burrito Barn and that people were watching my very public dumping.
“No, this is the only way you lose me.”
“You’re such an asshole!”
I got up and left. I fully expected him to chase after me, but he didn’t. I walked two blocks before I realized I had no idea where I was. I was angry and crying. He had no right to do this, and after he had some time to think about it, I was sure he’d come around, or would he? I remembered Janet’s words about Jason standing by his decisions and not changing his mind. But he loved me, he said it. I hadn’t betrayed him, I just didn’t want to go to fucking Cornell anymore.
I looked around for street signs. How could he leave me fending for myself like this? He let me go. How could he let me go? I found a gas station and called a cab. While I waited, I pulled out my phone fully expecting some message of apology, but there was nothing. A sick feeling started to ferment in my gut. What if he was serious? What if I didn’t hear from him? My heart started to palpitate and my head fogged up. Breathe, I told myself. It’s just a panic attack. By the time the cab arrived the attack had passed—but the dread remained. I’d give him a few days, then I’d call him. We could work this out, I knew we could.
CHAPTER 21
By the time I had my weekly lunch with Anita, I hadn’t heard from Jason. I also hadn’t worked at Anthony’s, so there was no opportunity to see him either. Each passing day made my heart hurt more. We’d never let this much time pass without speaking. A million times I wanted to text him, but I wanted him to make the first try.
“Wow! And you haven’t heard from him?”
“Not even a text.”
“What are you thinking?”
“I think he might have meant it,” I said in a tiny voice.
“I don’t like his ultimatum, but I have to admit that he might be right. I know you don’t want to hear this, but if the roles were reversed and Northwestern accepted me, I’d go. I wouldn’t let Mike hold me back.”
I rolled my eyes. “Why does everyone think I’m doing this because of Jason?”
“Because you are!”
I shook my head so hard I nearly threw out my neck. “I can’t let my parents go into more debt for me. You wouldn’t do it either. So once and for all, it has nothing to do with Jason. I’ve got to go before I say something I regret.”
I felt like the whole world was against me for all the wrong reasons. They could all think what they wanted, but Jason wasn’t the reason I wasn’t going to Cornell, and maybe one day they would come to the same conclusion. Until then I resolved to stick to my guns.
I went to work and hoped I’d see him, but no luck. That Friday I worked again, and when I saw him with Louis my heart skipped. Maybe seeing me would tug at his heart strings. They were standing far away and I couldn’t see if they were coming to Anthony’s. I turned my attention away to the next customer and when I looked back, they were gone. Deflated, I decided to text him after work.
Sitting on the bus, I pulled out my phone.
Me: I think we should talk.
I waited for a reply. If he was still at work it could be hours, so I tried not to look at my phone every fifteen minutes in the hopes I’d missed the chime. Two hours later he replied.
Jason: Going to Cornell?
Me: No and I already told you why.
Jason: Then nothing to talk about.
I stared at the phone and his text for a long time. If only I could make him understand, then he’d see things my way.
Me: You aren’t even giving me a chance to plead my case.
Jason: Heard it all. Got to go.
My heart sank. I didn’t know how to fix it, and that made me feel the most helpless of all.
ELLEN INVITED ME TO a fundraising pancake breakfast, and I sat in the corner with my stack of pancakes and bitter coffee. It was so thick it reminded me of crude oil. I’d just spent the last hour doling out pancakes and pretending to be happy-go-lucky while all I wanted to do was cry.
“Who pissed in your cereal?” Ellen asked, taking the seat across from me.
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t fool me. So what happened?”
I hadn’t told Ellen for good reason. I knew that, just like everyone else, she’d insist that Jason was the reason I wasn’t going to Cornell, and I couldn’t handle yet another person in Camp Cornell.
“Nothing, just tired.”
She put a fork to her pancakes and speared off a chunk. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, you should.”
Ellen smirked. “I know you’re lying, but I can respect the fact you won’t tell me. I can only assume that the Customs agent dumped you.”
“Why would you assume that?”
“Because when things are going well with men, us women can’t stop smiling, and when it goes to the shitter, well, you know where I’m going with that.”
“Is that a scientific fact?”
“No, but the fact that you’re avoiding the subject tends to make me believe that’s what happened.”
I dropped my white plastic fork in frustration. “Fine, I’ll tell you. I got into Cornell, and because I don’t want to go, Jason dumped me. He and everyone else in the State of Minnesota think that he’s the reason I won’t go to Cornell.”
Ellen shrugged. “Cornell’s probably overrated anyway.”
Did I hear her right? “Are you using some kind of reverse psychology on me, because that’s not going to work.”
“I wouldn’t do that. If you told me you were turning down Yale or Harvard, then maybe I’d give you a hard time, but it’s just Cornell.”
I was about to hand her the Academy Award for best bullshitter. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. You are just taking everyone else’s side.”
“Your frustration is a bit amusing,” Ellen said, trying to hold back a smile. “Look, what if I don’t say a word? Would that be better? Besides, what side I’m on shouldn’t matter. I’m your friend, so if you don’t want to go, then I support you all the way. I can see Jason’s position, but I don’t respect what he’s doing. I assume that if you go to Cornell he’ll take you back?”
“Yes,” I muttered.
“Here’s what I don’t want you to do. I don’t want you coming back here and telling me you are going to Cornell and then try to hide the fact that the only reason you’re going is because he emotionally blackmailed you into it. If you don’t want to go to Cornell and your reasons are valid, then don’t go. Your family and friends need to accept that, including Jason.”
“Thanks, Ellen. I feel like you’re the only one who understands.”
FOR A WEEK HE AVOIDED Anthony’s, but the following Saturday he and Louis came for coffee. It was Louis’ coffee of choice, this much I knew. Jason had probably managed to get him to go to other places, but Louis had had enough and wanted his favorite brew. As expected, they got into Jessica’s line. I stared at Jason but he refused to meet my eyes. They ordered their coffees and
Louis gave me a quick wave before they headed for a table. Clearly, Jason hadn’t told him. Maybe I could take that as a good sign? Channeling my inner stalker, I waited and hoped for an opportunity to talk to Jason. It came when Louis got up to use the restroom.
“Jessica, I need a minute,” I said.
I beelined for Jason’s table, and when he saw me coming, he sat up and just watched. I took the seat opposite him and his even stare met mine.
“You aren’t being reasonable.”
“Lou will be back any second.”
“He’s chatty. He’ll probably stop to talk to someone.”
Jason sighed. “Grace, I made my position clear.”
“If I prove to you I can’t afford it, will you let this go?”
“If I can prove to you that you can afford it, will you go?”
“Why can’t you respect my decision?”
“Because it’s flawed. Furthermore, the fact that you aren’t going because of me tells me that we weren’t as solid as I thought. And if we aren’t solid, am I not doing us both a favor?”
“If I wasn’t going because of you, and that’s a big if, maybe it would be because I wanted to spend time with you, not that I had trust issues.”
“Trust issues? You worried I’d stray, or that you would?”
“I’m not worried about either. You implied it.”
“I’m not playing games with you. I’m not changing my mind.”
Those were the words I didn’t want to hear. “The fact that you would throw this all away doesn’t make any sense to me. Don’t you miss me?”
He stood up. “I’ve got to get back to work. I’m just going to tell you this one more time. I’m done here, and it’s time you accept that.”
He walked away and I sat there, shell-shocked. The horror of the situation had begun to set in. I wasn’t going to Cornell and that meant I was going to lose him. As unfair as it was, it was becoming a reality. But if I went I’d lose him anyway. The distance would ruin us. How could I possibly win?
CHAPTER 22
Every shift at the airport I longed to see Jason, but he was doing a good job of avoiding me. Two weeks passed without a sighting. During that same time my mom and I warred about my decision. One day after classes I got home and Mom had a spreadsheet full of numbers she’d been crunching.