Home to Wind River

by Lindsay McKenna

  Lifting her hand from Athena, she placed it over Jake’s chest, feeling the thud of his heart through the palm of her hand. “You have no idea how much you calm me. Ever since I came here, when you would come home at night, my anxiety would lower, sometimes go away. It was nothing you said or did. It was just your presence. Being in your home, being with you and Jenna, has helped me so much, and so has Sage. I didn’t realize how much of my calm was due to both of you until she left.”

  He gave her a small hug, inhaling the scent of her recently washed hair, the sugary lemony aroma infusing him. It was so soft and silky. Longing to run his fingers through those shining strands, to love her, he pushed the desire away because it had no place between them right now. “I didn’t know that.”

  “I was afraid to admit it to you. I wasn’t sure you even liked me beyond my being your employee.”

  He lifted his head, placed his finger beneath her chin and eased it upward until their eyes met. “I never wanted to treat you as ‘just an employee,’ Lily. Like you? I was afraid to voice what I felt, that I was drawn to you, that I was starving to hear what you thought, what you felt, how you saw everyday things.” He saw her eyes widen, fringed with those thick, dark lashes. Wanting to drown himself in that lustrous look that was melting his heart, it took everything not to lean down and kiss her parted lips. She was so close ... so close ... The moisture of her breath grazed him. He’d lived years on his gut instinct, and now it was telling him to go no further, that the look in Lily’s glistening gaze was good enough. She hadn’t given him the signal that she wanted him to kiss her. Reluctantly, he removed his finger from beneath her chin and said, “What? You look stunned by what I just said.” Wanting to put a bit of teasing into the tension vibrating between them, he saw what he thought was a bit of relief in her eyes. They wanted each other so badly, but each, in their own way, was afraid to initiate. Okay, he got that. And it fed him the patience he knew he’d need to convince Lily he was a risk worth taking.

  Chapter Sixteen

  August 4

  Joy bubbled up through Lily as she kept her stride short and slow. Ahead of her and Jake was Sage and her galloping, romping, frisky pups. The grass in the long, oval, flower-studded meadow was halfway up her calves. Jake was chuckling, as she was, as the four-week-old pups bounded, leaped, fell and rolled in the thick, tall grass. All one could see was seven waving, stubby tails as they plowed through the grass wall like kangaroos on short legs, following their mother.

  The sun was high in the sky, the temperature reaching the high seventies, puffy white clouds skidding off the Wilson Range to the west of them, the sky a turquoise blue. It was a perfect Saturday. Jake carried a large knapsack on his broad back. Inside it was a thin cotton blanket, food for the picnic and goodies for Sage and her troop.

  “I’m so glad you suggested this,” she said breathlessly, smiling up at Jake. She reached out, catching his right hand. Lily knew from their previous conversations that he wasn’t going to take the lead. It was Lily who had to do that. He’d admitted he was afraid of doing something she might interpret the wrong way, sending her tumbling into an anxiety attack through his artless actions. For now, she was okay with that. In the month since their first talk, it had sometimes been awkward, both stumbling, making mistakes, learning how to talk without worrying how the other person might take it. She felt Jake’s fingers wrap securely around hers, and she drowned in that glint in his green eyes, knowing he wanted her, body and soul. Every day, every night, the sexual tension built between them. She longed to let him know she felt the same way, but fear kept her silent.

  “Look at Athena.” Jake laughed, pointing his chin toward the pup as she bounded and leaped through the tangled grass.

  Lily grinned, watching Athena take a different tack. She had seen the grass was shorter in the direction she’d chosen. Half as tall, as a matter of fact. Bounding like a graceful deer on her short little black, brown and white legs, she leaped through the grass, quickly paralleling her panting mother. Her little yips of triumph filled the air, as if congratulating herself on finding an easier route than the rest of the pack.

  Then, all her sisters and brothers realized it was a lot easier in the shorter grass and they turned, en masse, to follow her lead.

  However, Athena had arrived first. Sage then wisely moved to the shorter grass, and her smallest daughter galloped madly to keep up with her, nose up in the air, tail wagging like a metronome.

  Sage knew where they were going. At the other end of the meadow was a small creek, and a few trees that threw shade over the area. Lily looked forward to the weekends, the summer ripe, the breeze filled with various scents of flowers and the camphor-scented pine trees. The pups were in that snoop-sniff-and-check-things-out mode and dearly loved rooting around the trees, tasting the bark and spitting it out, then cavorting with one another in an ongoing game of tag.

  “I’m so glad you could come with us,” she said, a little breathless, feeling love welling up through her, making her heart speed up. She felt Jake squeeze her hand.

  “Me too.”

  “You work too hard,” she muttered, frowning. “I didn’t realize weekends weren’t really yours.”

  “A foreman is responsible for everything and everyone. Animals get caught in wire on weekends, have to be freed and taken care of.”

  “I know,” she huffed, lifting her feet high enough so she didn’t trip in the grass.

  “Why are you wondering about my schedule?” Jake asked, keeping his stride in check. The pups were getting their legs under them, becoming surer of their balance, scents making them wild with curiosity.

  “Well, I like having you around two days a week. I know that’s selfish . . .”

  He released her hand, briefly slid his arm around her shoulders. “It’s nice to be wanted.”

  Lily heard a lot of emotion behind his growled words. She loved when he spontaneously hugged her like this, not wanting him to release her, though he always did. Something was better than nothing.

  “The pups love having you around on weekends because you’re always on the floor playing with them. They adore you, Jake.”

  A rumble moved through his chest. “And I love them. It’s a great relaxer. And it’s fun watching them grow and play around.” He liked when the strands of her hair glinted in the sunlight, her head bare. Now her cheeks were ruddy with good health because she was getting outdoors into the clean, fresh air.

  “I so look forward to our weekly picnics.”

  “Things look pretty nice for us now.”

  Nodding, she licked her lower lip, giving him a sideways glance. “It feels like I’m in some kind of dream, Jake. A good one.” She opened her hands. “I sleep at night now. I have fewer nightmares. I haven’t had a flashback in three weeks.”

  “They’ll come and go, Lily. But as time moves forward, there will be even fewer of them.”

  “I know part of it is that you’re in my life.” She saw his mouth soften. Jake’s responsibilities were far and wide. Lily understood now why he’d come in late, usually after six on many nights, the demands of the ranch always looming or some emergency suddenly popping up. It wasn’t a job for a weakling, that was for sure. She gazed at the broadness of his shoulders, wondering what his flesh would feel like beneath her fingertips. Of late, all she could think about was sensually exploring him. That always sent a wave of longing through her. She was starving for a man’s touch, but not just any man. She wanted to feel Jake surround her, feel his tenderness, which was always close to the surface when they were together.

  Lily was always amazed by how hard and stable Jake appeared as the foreman of the ranch when he wasn’t at home with her and Sage. He melted over the puppies, and that made her wounded heart begin to heal. She knew what love was because her parents had shown her in large and small ways. Her father regarded her mother as an equal. They were a great team, like she and Jake were beginning to become. So many small things—a glance, a touch, a slight smile—
made her see she had been falling for Jake without ever realizing it. Lily knew she’d been too absorbed in her symptoms to take stock of anything outside herself. Until recently.

  The roughness of his fingers made hers tingle with desire. The look burning in his eyes made her lower body ache. When would she overcome her fear? It was so hard to speak about it. Every time she tried, her anxiety would arc and she’d have that inner war going on, distracting her, making her shaky and unsure once again.

  They had a favorite tree with long, spreading branches, where they stopped and Jake put the bright red cotton blanket on the ground. The puppies frolicked across it, yipping and grabbing the edges of it, yanking it and tugging it here and there. Lily laughed at their antics. Soon, the pups got tired of playing with the ragged-looking blanket and spread out in all directions, following new, interesting scents only they could smell. Sage made herself comfortable on one edge of the blanket, happily panting and watching her exploring brood with a mother’s protective eye.

  Lily knelt and took the knapsack Jake handed her. They had made beef sandwiches from a roast the night before, slathered in a mayonnaise-horseradish spread, lettuce and sliced tomatoes. There was a large thermos of hot coffee, two plastic cups and brownies for dessert.

  Athena came bouncing over to where she knelt, leaping up on her thighs, yipping.

  “I’m sure she can smell the sandwiches,” she told Jake as he sat down opposite her, pouring the coffee into the waiting cups.

  “Yeah. She’s the runt, so she’s going to smell out the food because she wants to find it first. She wants to get plenty of it. She’s no dummy.” He chuckled.

  Sure enough, Athena stuck her freckled black-and-white nose up in the air, leaped off Lily and tumbled head over tail, ending up at the plastic container holding the sandwiches.

  They burst out laughing.

  Jake was so close. Lily felt an invisible string pull her forward. She eased up on her knees, placing her hands on his shoulders, holding his gaze. His green eyes grew stormy and she saw raw longing in them—for her. All her fear melted away as he sat very still, watching her, assessing where she was at. They had agreed she must take the lead.

  And she did.

  Her eyes closed as she leaned forward, placing her lips tentatively upon his. Hearing Jake groan, his hands lifting, coming to rest lightly on her shoulders, she felt her world change forever. His mouth parted and so did hers, and she moved her lips, tasting him for the first time. Feeling his power as a man, his hesitancy, his care for her, she glided her lips firmly against his, giving him a message he couldn’t misinterpret.

  His fingers dug into her shoulders, rocking her forward, holding her because she was off balance now, keeping her safe and steady with his male strength. It was his mouth, those wonderfully shaped lips of his, that took hers with breathtaking hunger. It matched her own, and Lily lost herself in the sureness, the taste and then the tenderness of the way he held her steady so they could continue to be one in this unexpected, joyous moment.

  Somehow, Lily knew Jake would be a consummate lover, a man who had had many experiences with women before her. She wasn’t as adept or experienced, but that didn’t matter. The wetness and heat between their lips gliding against each other sent an arc of heat exploding into her belly, and she moaned softly as his fingers moved through her hair, holding her so he could gain maximum entrance to her.

  The world slowed and stopped. All the sounds went away except for her heightened breathing, his growl of pleasure as they clung to each other’s mouths, never wanting to let the other go.

  Gradually, ever so gradually, Lily had to end the kiss because her knees were hurting from being at such an odd angle on the blanket. Opening her eyes, feeling dazed by the beauty and tenderness of their kiss, Jake eased her back into a more comfortable position. She sat down. Athena immediately pounced on her and she laughed breathily, petting her as she wagged her tiny tail, lapping up the affection.

  Lifting her chin, she held Jake’s stormy gaze, saw all the masks he usually wore gone. “Wow,” she uttered. “I wasn’t expecting to do that. . . .”

  He gave her a heated look. “Me neither. But I liked it. Did you?”

  “Oh, yes,” she managed, feeling giddy, feeling so light and happy. More so than she could ever remember. “I liked it a lot, Jake.”

  Nodding, he watched Athena popping up and down, leaping on her abdomen, wanting to climb her torso to wedge herself between her breasts. Lily smiled and cupped the pup’s rear and she did just that. Now, Athena was happy. “I think it’s your heartbeat that makes her want to be there,” he said.

  “I think you’re right.” She took a deep breath and forced herself to hold eye contact. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you for so long, Jake.”

  “What stopped you?”

  “My fear,” she admitted hoarsely, holding Athena, needing her right now because she represented stability to her.

  “Fear of what, Lily?”

  His voice was low, emotion behind his words. “Fear that I’m not well enough to be a true partner for you,” she managed to get out. Each word was forced because it was so hard to be brutally honest. Lily was so afraid of his rejection. “I’m broken, Jake, in ways I could never fathom. I–I’m not whole. I doubt I’ll ever be. I’ve spent a month, almost every night, lying in bed wondering if I could give you half of what you give to me. You’re so patient; you support me, with no questions asked.” She lifted her fingers from Athena and reached out, touching his hand resting on his long, hard thigh. “You deserve someone who is whole, who isn’t a mess like me. . . .” Gulping, she saw his eyes change, narrow and she tried to gird herself for his rejection. Why would he want to take on someone like her? She had so far to go in her healing process. Lily accepted she’d probably never be fully healed. It broke her heart because Jake deserved someone who was perfect.

  Picking up her hand, he held it, his voice deep with feeling. “Lily, I want you just the way you are. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re whole or not. I’m not either. We seem to be able to put up with each other’s quirks and ups and downs, and we still want to be in each other’s company. Don’t you see that?”

  Her fingers tightened around his. “Not always. I have such trouble putting things into words, much less saying them to you. I’m so scared you don’t want me the way I am. I need you to keep telling me I’m okay as is. At least until I can find the confidence I lost.”

  He lifted her hand, kissing the back of it. “You’re taking me as I am, aren’t you, darlin’?”

  She blossomed beneath the gruffly spoken endearment. It meant everything to Lily. “Yes . . . yes, I am. I see you as so far ahead of me, Jake. Despite your symptoms, you have the strength, or whatever it is, to overcome them, and you know how not to let them interfere with anything. I’m not there.... I want to be, and there are days when I think I might be. Then there are other days when I think I’m a complete basket case and nothing is ever going to get better. I’m not a whiner. I usually don’t put these thoughts into words, but I can’t let you think I’m farther along than I am.”

  He took her hand, opening it within his larger one, lightly tracing her palm.

  The skitters of pleasure thrummed through her hand and arm. She saw the pensive look on Jake’s face as he lifted his finger, then closed his other hand over hers.

  “In time,” he said gently, “you’ll be where I am. I have no doubt of that, Lily, because you’re a fighter. You have courage and you have more inborn strength than a lot of people. We have something special, something that I want to pursue with you. I like waking up every morning knowing you’re in my house. It lifts me. It feeds the hope that you brought with you when you came. I can’t imagine a day without that,” and he held her tearful gaze.

  Tears trailed down her cheeks. “Oh, Jake . . .”

  He gave her a tender look. “I’d rather live with you than without you. We’ve spent months together under one roof, Lily. I know we can make this work.
”

  The dam burst within her, a burning feeling exploding like a wildfire in her chest. There was no way she could stop the sob that tore out of her. She set Athena aside, and the puppy wandered off toward her mother. Closing her hand over her face, she shook with more sobs, so much terror, grief and loss shearing through her. The next thing she knew, Jake was at her side, lifting her across his thighs, bringing her tightly against his body, his arms enclosing her. It was exactly what she needed: his care, his love and his incredible ability to sense where she was in the storm that lived within her. This time, Lily didn’t fight to stop crying. This time, as Jake held her, rocking her slowly, his arms like warm blankets surrounding her, she capitulated to all the trauma she’d fought to control since the incident.

  All the anguish and agony came ripping out of her. She was lost within the storm that was finally making its way up and out of her. All she felt was the comfort and security Jake was providing, allowing her the loss of control, allowing her to stop carrying that tragic night within her any longer. The scent of him, the sweat, the alfalfa sweetness, surrounded her. It lulled her, cossetted her, and she surrendered herself completely to Jake. With him, her heart knew she’d found a safe harbor. She loved him. Loved his softer side that had not been destroyed by war and trauma. And it was more than enough for Lily as she sank into his arms to be held and protected.

  * * *

  Jake rubbed his cheek against Lily’s hair, his heart breaking over the animal-like sounds that were ripping out of her shaking body. He knew those sounds. How many times had he hid in his room, door and windows closed, while those same horrible, wrenching sounds came out of him? He’d lost count because it hit him at odd times. And there was never a warning when that volcanic trauma would erupt within him and come spewing out. He rocked her gently, whispering soft, trembling words of comfort, knowing no one could help her right now. He could provide a safety net of sorts for Lily, but that was all. The animal that had come to be birthed within her, as it had him, would have its way with both of them from time to time. Today was no different. Today, it was Lily’s turn.