by Kat Mizera
“It feels slow to me,” he admitted, “but I’ve been away from music for so long, you know? Between the trial and prison and then keeping my head down on probation.” He looked away, his eyes suddenly haunted. “By the time I got the call to meet with Tyler and the others, I’d been away from music for nearly four years. I was out of the business longer than I’d officially been in it, you know? And we’ve only been working together a year, so for me, it feels like forever.”
“I can’t even imagine. It’s like you lost four years of your life.”
“Aye.”
“But now you’re making up for it, right? You have this incredibly talented band, which consists of some really stellar human beings who seem to have your back… I know it won’t bring back your friend or anything, but you did your time for that. It’s okay for you to look forward and move past it.”
“I’ll never move past losing Freddie,” he said softly. “He was my best friend from the time we were wee lads… Our mums were best friends so we knew each other practically from birth. I miss him every damn day. But the worst part is that I’m still angry at him.”
“For dying?”
“For…” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “Well, it’s a long story and you probably have to get going.” He wiped his mouth and got up, walking over to his bag and starting to throw his things in it.
“Yeah, I’d better call Lexi so I can go say goodbye.” Obviously, his friend was a difficult topic for him and I wasn’t going to push it.
“Right.” He straightened up and turned to me. “So I guess this is it.”
“Look, it doesn’t have to be weird,” I said, after shooting Lexi a quick text. “I’ve had a wonderful time with you. We both knew this wasn’t going anywhere so it’s not like there are hurt feelings or broken hearts. Your career is about to take off and take you who knows where, while mine is going to keep me right here in Minneapolis, so why don’t you come over here and give me a kiss and I’ll be on my way?”
The edges of his lips turned up a little, as he cocked his head at me. “You’re a special lass, you know that? And yeah, I’d like very much to give you a kiss.” He walked over to me slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. When he reached for me, every movement was intentional, as if he was savoring this as much as I was. He tilted his head slowly, his eyes still burning into mine, and ever so slowly touched my mouth with his. He slid his tongue between my lips and caressed my tongue like it was made of gold, with teasing strokes and tiny whispers.
I was trying so hard to stay in control, to pretend this was nothing more than the end of a wild extended weekend or something, but my soul was already calling me a liar. The connection between us was so much more than sex and I didn’t know if he felt it and didn’t care or if he simply was oblivious.
By the time we pulled apart, my body was on alert, aroused and aching for him even though I’d had him just an hour ago.
“When is the bar exam?” he asked after a moment.
“The last Tuesday and Wednesday of the month.”
“I’ll call you,” he said. “I want to hear how it went.”
“I won’t get the results for months.”
“I’ll still call.”
He was probably lying, but that was okay. It was nice to hear it anyway.
“Bye, Stu.”
“Goodbye, lass.”
I walked to the door and forced myself not to look back as it closed behind me.
12
Stu
I was in a piss-poor mood after we left Minneapolis. Frustrated with myself for not trying harder to keep Lindsay with me and with her for making it so easy for me. I’d never met anyone like her and the next night in Green Bay was the first time in my professional life I turned down a preshow blow job from a sexy lass who cornered me backstage. When I looked into her eyes, all I saw was Lindsay’s face and the disparity was too much. Instead, I drowned my sorrows in Jack Daniel’s, getting shit-faced before the show. Something else I hadn’t done in a long time.
Luckily, I could play guitar—and our set list—with my eyes closed, so I didn’t muck it up too much, but I was aware of my band watching me worriedly. Of course, the guys wouldn’t actually say anything, but Ariel had no such reservations. She knocked on my door the next morning before the band was supposed to meet up for brunch. It was a tradition on Sundays, depending on where we were and our travel schedule. Today we had the time.
“Hey.” I opened the door and let her in as I threw the last of my things into my bag. “What’s up?”
“I thought you might want to talk.”
“’Bout what?” I asked, pretending not to know what she was talking about.
“This is me, Stu. I know you and I know something is going on.”
“Nothing’s going on but the tour.” I turned to her with a forced smile. “You ready to get some food?”
She forced-smiled right back. “You know you’re allowed to like a girl, right? That just because you’re a convicted felon doesn’t mean you can’t have a life. You did your time, Stu. Why did you pay all that money for a fancy lawyer if you’re just going to rot away as if you’re still in prison?”
I sighed. This was the kind of thing I definitely didn’t want to talk about, but Ariel was my friend and she had a good idea of what I’d been through, though no one knew all of it. I’d never told anyone the things that went on in prison. The things I’d done to survive. The shame and guilt I lived with every day. I’d probably take those to the grave, and Lindsay deserved a guy who didn’t have those kinds of demons.
“Ariel, you know I love you like a sister, and you’re probably the best friend I’ve made since I got out, but I can’t talk about this.”
“But why?” She approached me slowly, her eyes filled with concern. “I was never in prison, but I’ve been arrested, humiliated, institutionalized, and raked over the coals in the court of public opinion. If you can’t talk to me, who will you ever talk to?”
“I don’t know!” I snapped, immediately regretting my tone and reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. Don’t mind me. You know I’m sensitive about this stuff.”
“Of course you are. And that’s why I’m still here. Stu, you can’t carry this burden forever. Maybe it’s time to—”
“Don’t.” I held up a finger. “What’s done is done. I love you and I’m sorry I yelled but I have to do what I think is right and dredging up the past changes nothing.”
“Maybe it does,” she countered. “Maybe dredging up the past will help you forge a happier, healthier future. With someone like Lindsay. Don’t even try to tell me you’re not crazy about her, yet you sent her away.”
“I didn’t!” I protested, since that, at least, was the truth. “She’s studying for the bar. No matter what, she wasn’t going to stay with me on tour. And anyway, she’s going to practice law in Minneapolis and we’re going to be traveling all over the world with Nobody’s Fool. Even if I wasn’t the broken man I am, there’s no universe where she and I could make this work.”
“That’s what I thought,” she whispered. “And look at me now.”
“You went through a lot, but you can’t compare what happened to you to what I did.”
“But—” she started to protest, and I put a finger over her lips.
“Please, Ariel. You’re my friend and you know more about me than most people, but you have to trust I know what’s best for myself.”
“I don’t think you do,” she said. “Not when it comes to this stuff.”
“Lindsay is better off without me,” I said firmly. “Have you been following social media? All the murderer rhetoric has started and there’s a bit of a mystery as the press tries to figure out who she is. Eventually they will and I just hope that by keeping my distance, they’ll decide there’s no story there and leave her alone.”
“Maybe she doesn’t want to be left alone.”
I scowled. “Ariel
.”
“What?” Her eyes widened innocently.
“Listen, we’re late for brunch. Let’s go.”
She sighed. “You’re so stubborn.”
“Look who’s talking.”
She stuck her tongue out at me and we walked out into the hall toward the elevator.
A week had passed when I got a call from my mum. We didn’t talk often and she almost never called me, so I was surprised to see her name on the screen of my phone and I answered warily.
“Hello, Mum.”
“Hello, love. Where are you today?”
“St. Louis, Missouri.”
“Is it nice there?”
“Nice enough, yeah. What are you up to?”
“I’ve seen a bit in the news about you…saving that young woman from being trampled. It’s nice to see something good about you again.”
Oh, there it was, the first of what would probably be several digs about the past. “She’s a friend of the band. I wasn’t about to let her get hurt.”
“I just wanted to tell you I’m proud, seeing you turning your life around after… Well, all that other business.”
I sighed. This was how our conversations usually went, minus her being proud of me, and I never quite knew how to respond. She and Dad had been there for me during the trial, but once I’d been found guilty, it was as if a switch had turned and they slowly started pulling away. I only heard from my mother once while I was in prison, and it was my grandmother who’d taken over my assets, my banking, my legal team, essentially my entire life while I was inside. Gran made sure I had money in my prison account so I could buy extra things I needed and accepted all my collect calls because I had no one else. Literally everyone else in my life had turned on me, from the rest of my band to my parents, friends, and even the woman I’d been dating.
The minute things went bad, they all abandoned me and it was hard to forget that feeling of loneliness. It was also why I truly trusted no one but my gran anymore. Not even my mum.
“Well, I know you’re busy, so I’ll ring off. Just wanted to say I love you.”
She hadn’t said those words since the day before I’d been found guilty of vehicular manslaughter, but I bit back my sarcastic retort.
“Right, Mum. Give my love to Dad.” I disconnected and stared at the phone for a long time. I really hated when she called, and hearing her say she loved me just made me sad. It felt like she was only back on board because I was on the verge of success again, and she undoubtedly remembered how generous I’d been when the money started coming in. Little did she know, those days were long gone and even if we made a billion dollars this time around, I wasn’t giving shit to anyone except my gran. Everyone else could bugger off.
Atlanta in July was hotter than hell itself and though I’d been in the U.S. a long time, my Scottish soul longed for cooler days where you could breathe. Everywhere we went—from the bus to the hotels, clubs and restaurants—had air-conditioning but the South was a special form of misery this time of year. Even in shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops, I was drenched in sweat and anxious to get back inside. Lexi had the brilliant idea we should go to the aquarium there, something about a whale shark, but the walk there from the hotel was miserable.
“Don’t you live in the desert?” she demanded as we stood in line for tickets.
“Aye, but it’s dry heat. This humidity is fucking shite!”
“It’s not my favorite either, but it’ll be nice and cool inside.”
I took her word for it and we went in. This was one of the rare occasions we had two days off and Lexi was always trying to get us to sightsee, do things outside of rock and roll to keep us “well-rounded and more open-minded.” I had no idea what she meant by all that, but since I got tired of being up all night and sleeping all day, she probably had a point.
Map in hand, Lexi immediately headed for the whale shark and I followed along since this type of place normally wasn’t my jam. She’d been talking about it for days, though, because apparently, they were the largest animal in the sea and on the endangered species list. I didn’t understand what the fuss was about but as we walked through the equivalent of a large, clear tunnel, surrounded by water and sea creatures, something massive moved above us. I tilted my head and had to admit it was a bit awe-inspiring.
“Is this it?” I asked, though it was a bit rhetorical since there was no doubt what was swimming above us.
“It’s amazing,” Ariel whispered, staring.
“Wow. Fucking cool.” Ford had a fancy camera and took pictures everywhere. This was no exception and he snapped off a bunch of shots while the rest of us just watched the majestic creature swim above and around, eventually disappearing out of view.
“By far the coolest touristy thing I’ve done in a really long time,” Bash said.
“I’ve been to Atlanta a dozen times and never been here before,” Zaan said. “This is very cool.”
“Now I’m going to go play with stingrays,” Lexi announced, laughing.
Our group scattered in different directions, but I stayed by myself, opting to hang out here and watch for the whale shark. Reluctant as I’d been to come, it was pretty cool and I found a seat on a bench. The whale shark came around again, swimming overhead as if it didn’t have a care in the world. As if it wasn’t an endangered species who’d lucked out finding a home here in this glorious aquarium where I assumed it was treated like royalty.
Kind of like me.
An endangered felon who’d lucked into this amazing rock band and group of friends and second lease on life without doing a bloody thing to deserve it. And yet, the whale shark seemed completely at ease, swimming around, doing whatever it was big, majestic sharks did, putting on a show for visitors every day. I gazed up at it and wondered if it got lonely at night, when the aquarium was closed and everything was dark and quiet. Did the shark still do its thing? Did it still swim about in all its majesty, doing what sharks did even when no one was looking?
Less like me.
Because when I wasn’t performing, when the lights went down and the fans went home, I was alone. I had my friends, but I couldn’t keep them nearly as close as I kept my secrets. Ariel had gotten somewhat close, and Lindsay had gotten so close I’d almost said things to her I’d never said to anyone. I’d almost told her about Freddie.
Fuck, that had been close. It was like the need to spit it out and tell someone the truth about the accident was eating me up inside. But what good would it do? I was a convicted felon. It was done. I’d done my time, paid the family, and now was supposedly free. But I wasn’t. My time in prison still haunted my dreams. I cringed with embarrassment every time I thought about the humilities I’d suffered while inside. I’d had it better than many, because I had money and a good lawyer and a bit of celebrity. Some of the other inmates were fans of my music and I used that to my advantage. But at the end of every day, I’d still been in a concrete box, locked away from the world.
Now my body was out but my mind was often still inside.
Someone sat down next to me and I glanced over at the tiny little girl, probably no more than five or six. She had bright red hair and a gap-toothed grin, her eyes sparkling as she wiggled right up to my side.
“He’s so big!” she announced.
I blinked. Oh, right. The whale shark. I smiled. “Aye. He is.”
“Someday I want to be free just like him.”
“Are you not free?” I asked curiously.
She rolled her eyes dramatically, motioning to her nearby parents. “The stroller, school, my baby brothers… I have no freedom. I need a job so I can move to my own house.”
I stared down at her and started laughing. She was a pip, full of fire and sass. A bit like my Lindsay.
My Lindsay.
Bloody hell, I couldn’t go down that road.
“I’m so sorry.” The girl’s mum came over, tugging her by the hand and apologizing to me. “Mandy, let’s go. Leave the poor man alone.”
“My feet hurt,” Mandy protested, digging her heels in.
“It’s all right,” I told the mother. “She’s not a bother. I’m resting my feet a bit as well.”
“She’ll talk your ear off.”
“No worries.”
“Beth, what—” Mandy’s father approached us and stared at me suspiciously.
Uh-oh. That look was never good.
“Holy shit,” the man breathed.
“Daddy! You said a bad word!” Mandy looked up at him accusingly.
“You’re Stu Killorn from Waking Wonder.”
Crap.
“Who?” Mandy’s mum looked confused.
“Dude. The show in Pacific Palisades—was it ten years ago? That was freakin’ epic! You opened for…” He went off, talking about a specific show that I’d all but forgotten, as if it were yesterday. It had been seven years ago, but who was counting?
And he was excited.
“Could I get a selfie?” he asked. “Just one and I won’t bother you anymore.”
“Can I be in the picture?” Mandy asked excitedly.
“Er, sure. Yeah.” I didn’t know what to do but be nice. Smile. Take a picture. Ruffle Mandy’s hair. And then hurry off to find the others.
It had been a long bloody time since someone had recognized me in public and even longer since they’d been excited to meet me. One person, at least, had moved on from the accident. If only I could too.
13
Lindsay
I barely slept the night before the exam. I dozed on and off, but I was a nervous wreck and couldn’t seem to settle down. I finally got up around five in the morning and went for a walk to clear my head. This was the coolest time of day and it would be good to dispel some nervous energy anyway. I’d never been a great test taker, but this one would be the most important one of my life. At least I thought so anyway. Now that it was here, I was having all kinds of doubts.