Imagine Us

by Jaxson Kidman

  “Wait a second,” he said. “What was her dream?”

  “I don’t know. I think she wanted to follow bands around the country or something. Then she had me. I sort of messed that up.”

  Adam shook his head. “Don’t say that, Elena. I hope she doesn’t tell you that.”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  More laughter echoed from downstairs.

  I lowered my head.

  “Hey,” he said. “Talk to me, sugar.”

  Sugar.

  It was so sweet when he said that to me.

  That started back in ninth grade. Our first week of high school. When all the older girls were prettier, taller, had cars or boyfriends with cars, and fooled around with boys. I was sort of a dork and got picked on for it. I was crying after school one day when Adam found me and stayed with me. I foolishly had a bunch of candy in my bag and would eat it when I felt bad about myself. So he called me sugar because of that.

  Even if it meant a little more to me than just a nickname.

  And Adam never called me sugar around other people. It was just our thing.

  My eyes suddenly filled with tears as he closed in on me.

  He touched my arms. “Elena…”

  I looked at him. I shook my head. “Ohmygod, I’m just like drunk or something right now. This is crazy. Just so much hitting me at once.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know, Adam…”

  My lips kept moving but no words came out.

  My bedroom door opened and I jumped back, gasping.

  “You two,” Mom said as she stepped into the room. “Seriously?”

  “What?” Adam asked.

  Mom looked around. “Okay, listen to me. Chad is downstairs right now. I’ll get him back down in the basement. If you two are doing this tonight, I’ll cover for you. Christ. This is insane. But I get it. You two have been close for a long time. I think it’s good.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Adam asked.

  I couldn’t even talk.

  “Have fun,” Mom said. “Be safe.”

  She opened the door and I ran toward her. Toward the open door.

  Adam was quick to grab my arm and stop me.

  Mom already started walking down the stairs.

  “Ignore her,” he whispered. “Don’t run from me. From us.”

  Us?

  My head spun.

  I shook him away and raced down the stairs.

  The first thing I did was get a drink. Then another.

  Then another.

  I needed to drown out everything that had just happened.

  Because of the way it made me feel.

  I hid on the front porch, smoking and drinking, telling myself there was no way I would leave this porch until morning.

  I was wrong.

  I was going to leave the porch.

  To find Adam again.

  And he was going to kiss me.

  11

  The Key to Memories

  ELENA

  (now)

  “You ever look at where you used to live and wonder who lives there now?”

  I looked at Adam as he stared at the small house. He shook his head. “No. I don’t give a shit who lives in this house. Or the crappy apartment down the street where I lived.”

  “I mean, it’s just… we sort of owned this place, Adam.”

  “Your mother did,” he said with a grin.

  I slapped his arm. “You know what I mean.”

  “What are we doing here, sugar?”

  “Maybe I’m gathering mental notes for my writing.”

  “Right.”

  “The railing is a different color,” I said. “Black now. Used to just be an ugly gray color.”

  Adam laughed. “So, you’re really going into the past for this new book, huh?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Adam. With anything in my life right now. I keep taking some kind of inventory and it makes me want to throw up.”

  “Come on, let’s walk for a second,” he said.

  We moved down the sidewalk, down the incline that was my old street.

  “I’m sorry for dumping all of this onto you,” I said. “I really haven’t asked much about you, have I?”

  “There’s nothing to ask.”

  “Yes; there is. You kind of disappeared, Adam. You were gone and now you own a diner and live in a house next to the lake. What happened?”

  “I lost everything in my life and got lucky,” Adam said. “That’s what happened. It’s not some romantic story, Elena.”

  “Yeah, well, neither is mine. Look at me now. I’m the cliché. I’m the ending… the ending you knew about.”

  Adam turned the corner and walked without saying a word back to me.

  I swallowed a lump down my throat and felt it sizzle in my stomach.

  “Right there,” he said and pointed to the road.

  “That’s where the car…”

  “Yeah,” he said. He looked at me. “I ran from you, sugar. And I darted out into the road.”

  “The car never stopped.”

  “No. But they got the car. He was drunk. Hit a telephone pole two blocks away.”

  “Did he go to jail or anything?”

  “I don’t know. Don’t care either. I was lucky enough to survive the accident. When I came back to town, everyone was basically gone. It was like everything had shifted. So, I left too. I liked hiding out near the lake. My life fell apart there. My life came back together there. But right here… this is where everything changed.”

  He took a step and I grabbed for his hand. “What changed, Adam?”

  He gave a nod and I walked with him.

  As he turned down the rocky, narrow alley, my heart started to race.

  We walked to the old chain link fence to my old backyard. The same beaten up apple tree still stood there.

  That’s where Adam stopped.

  “I kissed you,” he said. “That night, Elena. I finally kissed you. Drunk. High. Feeling like I had nothing to lose. We were up in your room and your mother made an ass of herself. You ran off. So, I came out here and just stood, thinking. About everything I did wrong. To you. To me. With us.”

  “Wrong?” I asked. “What did you do wrong?”

  “I let you slide through my fingers over and over,” he said. “I watched you fall in love with someone else. I watched that person hurt you and I watched you go back for more. And I never understood it. I was sometimes mad at you for it. Sometimes mad at me. I just figured you would go off and have a better life though. If he became a rich baseball player, you’d at least have comfort there.”

  “That means nothing to me,” I said. “It never did and never will.”

  Adam nodded. “Then you approached me. And that was our moment. I saw your eyes. And I had just taken some stuff from Brad, then I kissed you.”

  “That’s when you took off though.”

  “Because I was pissed off that it took that long for something to happen. And I didn’t want to hurt you, Elena. I didn’t want you confused and lost…well, more than you were.”

  “So, all these years later we’re at the same spot.”

  “Yeah, we are.”

  “And I’m still confused and lost.”

  “And I’m still pissed off,” Adam said.

  He reached for my face and stroked my cheek. His thumb gently climbing up and down. The two of us inching closer to one another.

  “What the fuck happened to us?” I whispered. “We should have been together…”

  “But we weren’t, Elena. And your heart is broken right now.”

  “Standing here with you I don’t feel all that heartbroken.”

  “Neither do I,” he whispered.

  As he lowered down, his lips navigating to mine, I felt a fire deep within my core begin to rage.

  The tips of our noses touched and that’s where Adam stopped.

  The master of leaving me hanging,
I clutched his shirt and pulled.

  “I don’t want you hurt even more,” he said.

  “I’m not hurt, Adam.”

  “I’ll hurt you. I’ll do worse than what’s been done.”

  “Let me be the judge of that.”

  He slowly turned his head. My lips tingled with anticipation.

  “Fuck,” he growled and quickly turned away.

  He started to walk fast, and I had to run to catch up to him. He rubbed his right shoulder and just kept shaking his head.

  My body ached to be touched the way I needed. Adam didn’t want me to be with him as some kind of rebound or revenge for what Chad did.

  We got back into his truck and I touched his hand. “I’m sorry about that. The position I put you in.”

  “No, sugar, you don’t need to apologize for anything. I’m happy you’re here.”

  “Seeing this house doesn’t help much of anything,” I said. “For both of us.”

  “Did you at least get some ideas?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

  “Good.”

  Adam started to drive; and I looked out the window.

  I got some ideas, yes. But they weren’t for my book.

  They were about Adam and I finishing that kiss… and finishing a lot more.

  * * *

  I finished my morning showing on a split bi-level with a one car garage that was two blocks from the local elementary school. The couple had a five-year-old son and were expecting their second child - a daughter - in just five months. Her belly was cute and swollen, and he stood by her side, proud. They loved the house and wanted to make an offer on the spot.

  After I left a message for the other real estate agent with the offer, I got into my car and drove right to the diner.

  The Butter Kiss Diner.

  The name always made me laugh because the running joke was calling it The Butt Kiss Diner. A time when stupid jokes like that had so much meaning.

  It always made me nervous opening the door, waiting for people to look at me. I had no idea what Adam had told them about me yet. If anything at all. I assumed he had to have said something by now. Unless I was just becoming another regular person showing up almost every single day for a bite to eat or a cup of coffee.

  As I settled up to the counter, a pretty woman I had seen a few times before approached me. She pointed at me, turned her head to the side, and squinted.

  “You’re Adam’s friend,” she said.

  “And you work here,” I said.

  “I’m Shannon,” she said.

  “Elena,” I said.

  “That’s a great name.”

  “You think?”

  “I’ve never met someone named Elena before.”

  “Well, I’ve never met someone named Shannon before,” I said.

  “You need to get out more then,” she said with a wink.

  “That I can’t argue.”

  “Coffee?”

  “Diet soda,” I said.

  “Got it,” she said.

  The counter was half full with some people talking and some just staring up at a small TV that hung on the back wall. There were a handful of tables occupied, the rest just hanging out, empty.

  Shannon brought me my drink and tossed a straw to the counter. “Here for food or Adam?”

  Both.

  “Food,” I said. “Is Adam even here?”

  “He’s in the back,” she said. “Want me to get him?”

  “No. I’m here for lunch.”

  “What are you thinking?”

  “Turkey club, I guess.”

  Shannon took out her small leather notepad to write down my order. I saw a small picture stuck to the back of it. It looked like a young boy’s school picture.

  “That your son?” I asked.

  She closed the notepad and looked at the picture. “Yeah. That’s Tommy. My little one.”

  “He’s cute.”

  “He’s a handful. But I love him. Do you have any kids?”

  “Me? No.” I laughed. “No. I’m, uh, I’m just here.”

  “Nothing wrong with that,” Shannon said. “I’ll be right back.”

  She walked away and I took out a notebook and a pen.

  I wrote down everything I had encountered with the young couple buying the house. The notes were easy to take. It was easy to write down what had just happened. But to build a story from that? That was the hard part. I had talked to Lucy on the phone and explained what had happened with Chad. She was shocked and said she hated all men. That seemed to be the general reaction from anyone I told about Chad cheating. The sympathy was nice, but it only numbed the ache and confusion for about five seconds. Right after saying she hated men, Lucy asked how the book was coming along. I lied and said I was writing much slower because I was in between places to live. That part was sort of true.

  She told me to use my situation to write something good.

  I asked if she was serious and she apologized for suggesting that. What she did say though was that the first ten pages of that story I wrote did well with the publisher and they were hoping for more. And soon.

  No pressure at all.

  I pitched a couple of other ideas to her, but she wanted the story I had already started writing.

  The only problem was that I wasn’t sure of that ending yet.

  I looked up from the notebook to see Adam pouring coffee for a couple of the regulars. His sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the tight, rippling muscles of his forearm flexing. The way his jaw looked like it had been cut from precious stone from the side.

  I took a deep breath.

  What is our ending, Adam?

  Adam put the coffee away and came to see me.

  He put his elbows on the counter and leaned forward. “Big writing morning?”

  “Hardly,” I said. “I had a showing.”

  “I thought you quit.”

  “I never said I quit,” I said, laughing. “I still have bills, Adam.”

  “You can work here.”

  “No.”

  “Why not? It’s a great place to meet people. I’m sure you’ll find some stories to tell.”

  I had been sleeping on his couch for a little while now. I’d made almost zero effort to make a decision on where I wanted to live next. And now, staring at his dark and seductive eyes, he wanted me to quit my real job and work at his diner.

  “Just an offer, sugar,” he said. “While you figure everything out.”

  “I guess I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.

  “Looks like you got a little writing done though. Anything good?”

  I slid the notebook away. “No. Just ideas. Things that pop into my head.”

  “Hey, uh, Adam?” a voice asked from behind him.

  I recognized the young guy as the one who had been mopping the floors.

  “Hey, Chris,” Adam said. “What’s happening?”

  “Dishwasher’s stuck again.”

  “Shit,” Adam said. “I hate that thing.”

  “I don’t want to break it.”

  “But you’ll let me break it?” Adam asked.

  Chris shrugged his shoulders. “You own the place, man.”

  “I’ll be right there,” Adam said.

  Chris walked away, baggy jeans and shirt.

  I smiled and nodded. “Did you give him your old clothes from high school?”

  Adam laughed. “I wasn’t that bad.”

  “Yes, you were. Just like that. Maybe worse.”

  “Worse? Come on…”

  “I’m serious,” I said. “You looked homeless half the time.”

  “Well, to be fair, I pretty much was most of the time. I’m not exactly sure the apartment I lived in could really be considered a living area.”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” I said.

  “How would you know?”

  “I slept in your bed, remember?” I teased.

  Adam grinned. He didn’t blush. He never got flustered.

  He jus
t stood tall on the other side of the counter, confident, defiant, and hidden.

  “I like you being here, Elena,” he said.

  Before I could respond, he pushed from the counter and walked away.

  From the corner of my eye I saw a newspaper folded in half. With nobody around, I reached for it and opened it. The second section was the classifieds and I couldn’t help myself as I scanned the apartments for rent. There were plenty of places I could rent right in town. I had access to everything. But I didn’t know what I wanted. For the first time in my life, I could basically do whatever I pleased.

  Sleeping on Adam’s couch could only go so far. Not that the couch wasn’t comfortable. Not that I didn’t like being near Adam.

  But the temptation… my aching and confused heart.

  He’d had his chance to kiss me more than once and he hesitated.

  Maybe those old feelings were dead and buried. Or maybe he was just being a good friend, like he always was.

  I scanned down until I saw a spot for rooms for rent. Someone was renting out a bedroom in a house not too far from Adam’s house. It was reasonably priced, and the weekly rent included all utilities. I quickly took a picture with my phone and folded the paper back up and slid it back to where I had found it.

  I ate lunch with a knot in my stomach, wondering what I was actually going to do. I couldn’t envision my life with Chad. Not anymore. He still hadn’t even tried to call me. Text me. Talk to me. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to chase him down. He made his decision for the both of us, which was typical of him. Now it was up to me to make that decision final. For good.

  “You look deep in thought,” Adam said as he passed by the counter with a towel tossed over his shoulder.

  “Writing stuff,” I lied with ease. “How much for the food?”

  “It’s on the house.”

  “You know, giving away food isn’t a good way to stay in business.”

  “What can I say? I never went to business school. Or diner school. Or whatever.”

  “Adam…”

  “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’ll keep a running tally. Food. Rent. We’ll go over the invoice at some point, I’m sure.”

  I laughed. “Now you’re talking like a businessman.”

  I stood up and Adam opened his hands. “You’re bailing on me?”

  “I have a meeting,” I said. Another small lie coolly slipping from my mouth.