“I’ve never seen you in love before.”
“In love?” I asked. “Who said anything about being in love?”
Judy laughed. “Nobody.”
She walked away and I sipped the coffee.
Shannon just stared. “Well?”
“Well what?” I asked.
“Tell me you’re not in love,” she said. “Tell me this isn’t something serious.”
“It’s none of your damn business.”
“Aw, that’s sweet. I’ll take that as a resounding yes.”
Shannon kicked open the kitchen door and I walked in behind her.
“Has anyone seen Chris yet?” I asked.
The dishes were starting to pile up.
“Not me,” Shannon said.
“I think he just got here,” Judy said. “Out back on the phone. Doesn’t sound too promising.”
“Shit,” I said. “Shannon, go take care of the counter. Judy, cover her tables.”
“Yes, boss,” Shannon said.
I stepped out back and spotted Chris pacing back and forth. He had his hands cupped around his phone and crunched down a little, like he didn’t want anyone to hear his conversation.
He turned and looked right at me. He moved his hand and stood up straight. “Don’t fuck this up, Jess. I’m begging you. I’m at work right now. I’m late. My boss is watching me. Just don’t fuck it up. I love you. Okay. Bye.”
“You’re late,” I said.
“I know,” Chris said.
He tried to get by me, but I blocked the way.
“Come on, Adam,” he said.
“Jess? Your sister?”
Chris looked at me. His eyes were glossy. “Yeah. It’s bad.”
“What’s bad, Chris?”
“Ma is in the hospital.”
“What?”
“Yeah. She was having trouble breathing.”
“What the hell are you doing here then?” I asked.
“I can’t let you down.”
“Chris,” I said. “Go be with your mother. With your family. You don’t need this job or the money that badly.”
“I do,” he said. “Things aren’t good everywhere right now. I couldn’t get you anymore medicine, Adam.”
“Don’t worry about that,” I said.
My mind was worried about it.
“I think I’m done with that life too.”
“You should be,” I said. “And I should have never supported that life for you.”
“But without it, there’s no money. Ma’s in the hospital. Jess is fooling around with Gavin again. She thinks she’s pregnant again.”
“No,” I said.
“Yeah. Like what the fuck, right? And on top of that, Tyler got sick and when Jess went to get her money to get him some medicine, it was gone. Gavin took it all. So, she called me, crying, begging for help. Of course I helped her. Tyler’s my nephew. But then I said something about Gavin and Jess took Tyler to be with him. I fucked up.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said.
“Yes I did, Adam,” Chris yelled. “Goddammit, man. Stop saying I didn’t do anything wrong. Because when Jess left, that’s when Ma stopped feeling okay. She started having these panic attacks. Crying that she wanted Jess home. And Tyler home. So, I called and apologized but Gavin told her to tell me she wasn’t allowed to leave. I got pissed. And then Ma said she couldn’t breathe. She fell down. I called an ambulance. Now Jess is blaming me for this.”
“Shit, Chris,” I said. “That’s a lot at once. You should go home. Be with your Ma. Your family.”
“No, Adam. I need this place right now. More than you can understand. Just please let me go to work. I need to feel like I’m not fucking everything up.”
I let out a long breath. “There’s a giant stack of dishes waiting for you then.”
“Good,” he said. "Mind if I listen to music?”
Nine out of ten times the answer was no but Chris caught me at that tenth time.
I gave a nod.
He went into the diner and I stood outside to catch my breath.
It had been a busy morning. Busier than usual. Extra traffic. Extra gossip and drama from Tony, Joe, and Brian. They were all pissed at each other over something to do with a hunting trip that someone didn’t pay their share for, and nobody could figure out who paid less than the others. In reality though, it all pointed back to Elena. My mind racing about her. How I told her I would only hurt her more. How I told myself I couldn’t get too close. Whatever life I had here, it was mostly fake.
Yet, Elena in my house and my heart, that was real.
I felt a twitching inside me. Hungry for another couple of pills to dull everything again.
The back door opened, and Judy stepped out. “You okay?”
“I’m great,” I said, showing her my coffee mug. “Just waking up.”
“Glad Chris is here.”
“Me too.”
“That kid has a heart of gold. And he comes from such crap, huh?”
“He’ll be fine,” I said. “He’s a good kid. Works hard.”
“A lot like you,” Judy said.
I laughed. “I think I heard the bell ring for an order.”
“Yeah, sure it did,” she said.
I walked to the door and Judy held it for me.
Back inside, the kitchen was bustling. The sizzle of bacon, the smacking of cooking utensils. The rattling of plates as Chris washed dishes. Voices murmuring with ten different conversations at once.
“Hey,” Shannon said as she reached into her apron. “I want to give you something.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
She took out a rolled-up wad of cash. “It’s nowhere near enough, but it’s a start.”
“For what?”
“The money you gave me,” she said.
“Get out of here,” I said.
I walked by her and she grabbed my arm. “Adam, I'm serious. I don’t take handouts.”
“It wasn't a handout, Shannon.”
“I’m paying you back.”
I stopped and turned. I put my hand over hers. “You’re not paying me back today then. I know how the cycle goes. Okay? Get on your feet and settled. Keep your kid happy and fed. We can talk about this later.”
“I hate you sometimes.”
“A lot of people do.”
Shannon put the money back into her apron. She shook her head.
“Look,” I said. “Consider this my offering back to this diner, okay?”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning all the dumb shit I’ve done around here. To this place. For this place. The least I can do now is help those who are inside it. Family, Shannon, okay?”
“You consider us family?” she asked.
I curled my lip. “Don’t get all emotional on me.”
“Fuck off,” she said with a wink.
When she walked away, I looked around the kitchen one more time.
It was busy. My body ached for more pills that I really didn’t need.
And when this entire thing explodes, Elena’s heart is the one thing at stake I didn't want to lose.
* * *
The diner was closed but I never locked the door. If someone were to stop by and wanted a drink or a bite to eat, I’d offer anything we had available. The only exception would be the food I put aside for Charles.
I sent Chris to go visit his mother. She was awake and alert at the hospital. Doctors told him that it was a heart episode, whatever that meant. I told him to get down to the hospital to see his mother and then fix shit with his sister. Family outside the diner was more important than what was inside the diner.
Judy was tired, so I sent her home too.
I asked Shannon to help me with the kitchen cleanup, which she did without too much of an argument.
I flipped all the chairs up on the tables and started to mop when the door opened.
The sight of Elena was enough to wash away everything going thro
ugh me.
“Look at you,” she said.
“Look at me,” I said. “When you own the place, it all rests on your shoulders.”
“Where’s your help?”
“Personal issues,” I said. “No big deal. You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
“Too bad. Kitchen’s closed.”
Elena put her bag on the counter and raised an eyebrow. “Are you kicking me out?”
I left the mop for Elena and slipped an arm around her back. “Oh, sugar, I could never kick you out.”
We both laughed.
I kissed her forehead and shut my eyes for a second.
You have to fix everything, Adam. You have to tell her to leave. You have to fix yourself. Then maybe you can love her the way she deserves. After everything she’s been through…
“I’m leaving,” a voice called out.
Shannon was behind the counter, putting a small bag over her shoulder.
“You have your food?” I asked.
She lifted a bag and smiled. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Your kid loves chicken tenders,” I said. “Don’t make me out to be a jerk here.”
“Oh, I think we all know you’re a jerk, Adam,” Shannon said.
Elena laughed. “She’s got a point. And actually, I was hoping you’d be here, Shannon.”
“Oh?” Shannon asked.
“I have something for your son,” Elena said. She opened her bag and took out a small stack of books. “I forgot I had these. Got them from a friend a long time ago. Actually, through my agent. There was a split second when she wanted me to write children’s books. But it wasn’t for me.”
Shannon touched the books. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I don’t need them. And I figured they’ll be in good hands.”
“Tommy will love them,” Shannon said. “He loves books. Don’t know where he gets that from. I haven't read a book since high school. No offense to you.”
“None taken,” Elena said.
“You’re a writer, so that was probably dumb to say.”
“Not at all,” Elena said. “I hope your son likes them.”
“Why don't you stay for a bite to eat?” I asked Shannon. “I’m going to make us something.”
“You’re going to mess up the kitchen I just cleaned?” Shannon asked.
“Yup,” I said.
“Jerk,” Shannon said. “I have to leave. Thanks for the offer.” She looked at Elena. “Thanks for the books.”
“Have a good one,” Elena said.
Shannon left the diner and that was when I locked the door.
I sat at the counter with Elena, unable to not smile when I looked at her.
“Don't you have a floor to mop?” she asked.
“Don’t you have a book to write?” I threw back.
“For the record, my book is coming along nicely.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I’m just trying to work out the perfect ending.”
“Does it have anything to do with us? Right now?”
Elena grinned as her cheeks flushed a little. “Not sure yet. What is our ending, Adam?”
I touched her face. “I’m a lot of things, sugar, but I can't predict the future. I can only help create it.”
Which is why I need you to leave, Elena. Save yourself. You won't save me.
She sighed and leaned toward me.
We kissed, and I hated myself. But I loved kissing her.
She pulled away and I chased her down, my forehead touching hers. “Hey…”
“Hey to you,” she whispered.
“I’m in love with you,” I said, digging my own hole deeper. “I always have been. I always will be.”
Elena smiled bigger. She put both hands to my face. “I’m in love with you too, Adam. There was always something there. I’m sorry I couldn’t figure that out sooner. And that I left you sort of hanging there for so long…”
“I wasn’t ready for you then,” I said. “You were…” I let out a breath.
“I wish I could go back and change it all.”
“Just stick with me right now.”
“Do you have a second mop?” she asked.
“What?” I asked.
“I’ll help you clean up around here.”
“You don’t need to do that, sugar.”
“I don’t need to. I want to. I like this, Adam. All of this.”
“All of what?”
“How real it is,” she said. “Everything looks perfect, but it’s not perfect. It’s real. And I’d rather stand here and mop a diner floor with you than try and sell another house or condo.”
I stood up, unable to really respond to her.
She stood up a second later and put her hands to my chest. I felt her fingers climbing from my chest to my shoulders and down my arms.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Getting there,” she said. “I have the chance to touch you now and I’m not ever going to stop.”
She didn’t just get a chance at my heart. She ripped my heart out, danced on it, picked it up, and ran with it. She was everything perfect, beautiful, and at the same time, she was deadly.
I gave her a few seconds to enjoy herself before I took her by the waist and sat her on the counter. I kissed her hard and fast. In the back of my throat I growled at her.
“Fuck, sugar, you don't know what you’re doing,” I whispered in between kisses.
“Maybe for the first time I know exactly what I’m doing,” she said.
I stopped and stared at her. “Where did you get those books from?”
“I was in the area of the old house and stopped.”
“Just for those books?” I asked.
“Yeah. I still have other stuff to get, but I just got those books. It was strange being in there. The way it looks. The way it smells. The way it feels.”
“Did you see…him?”
“No. He wasn’t home. And since he won’t talk to me, I’m going to just pick a day and show up to get everything else.”
“I’ll help you if you need it,” I offered.
“That’ll piss him off.”
“That’s the whole point,” I said with a wink.
Jealousy tingled inside me, even though I finally had Elena.
She jumped off the counter and walked to the mop and bucket. “Let’s get to work.”
I took a deep breath.
“Yeah, let’s see where this all ends up…”
* * *
I stood at the desk and touched her laptop. Outside the window, the world was dark. It was cloudy so there was no moon reflecting off the lake water. I licked my lips and felt my right hand shaking with fury.
Downstairs in my bed Elena was fast asleep. The smell of her skin lingered on mine. The taste of her body on my lips. My hands touched places forbidden and my tongue wrote her love letters that only she could feel.
I pulled the chair out from the desk and sat down.
My shoulder hurt in a way that made my teeth grit and want to explode into pieces. I had known for years it wasn’t going to get better. It wasn’t going to magically heal itself.
When I shut my eyes, I could feel the car hitting me.
Drunk and high, darting out into the road, running from Elena and what could have been that night. The car hitting me. You’d think my hip would have been the messed up part, but it wasn’t. Somehow, I ended up flipping onto the car and my shoulder hit the windshield so hard that it cracked it and destroyed my shoulder. And if that wasn’t enough, I flew through the air and crashed to the street on that same shoulder.
I could still hear the roaring engine of the car as it took off, leaving me there to suffer.
Lucky for me, the next person stopped instead of running me over.
And once I knew there was help, I shut my eyes and drifted away. Pain in my shoulder. Pain in my body. But the pain in my heart worse.
I opened my hand and saw the two pills.
&nbs
p; All I needed to do was to see the damn doctor and get the surgery scheduled. Get it all fixed up and then I wouldn't need the damn pills anymore. Then again, I didn’t need as many as I took each day. That was for a different reason. A scary reason.
It took me back to Janet.
I had been too messed up to help her. To realize the road she was on and how far along it she was. That the cliff had been coming faster by the day, right up to the end when she went over it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I never loved you the way you should have been loved. I’m sorry you were lost.”
I lowered my head.
With my eyes shut, I slammed the two pills into my mouth.
I swallowed them down, knowing what kind of person this made me.
I was no better than Chad to Elena.
I was stealing her present and messing up her future.
23
Those Boxes and Some Clothes
ELENA
(now)
And I should have told him I loved him right then. Watching him walk away with an old, dirty bag thrown over his shoulder, wearing his favorite hoodie with the ends all frayed and ripped. Walking toward his car that had no business trying to make the trip from coast to coast… I knew I was going to regret this moment for the rest of my life.
I took a step forward.
Then another.
Soon, I broke out into a run.
I chased after him.
He threw his bag into the car and walked around to the driver’s side. He got into the car and the brake lights flashed. He started the car.
He was a second away from leaving.
I waved my hands frantically, calling his name.
My mind screaming, I can’t lose you! I can’t live without you!
I thought he was going to leave.
But to my surprise, the car door opened, and he got out.
He turned and looked at me as I ran to him.
In a desperate move - like some kind of cheesy romance movie - I jumped at him, right into his arms.
He hugged me tight.
I smelled his hair, skin, his hoodie.
I took it all in, my heart pounding as I did so.
And that’s when it hit me.
If he stayed… he’d regret it. Not today or tomorrow. But what would happen is simple. The years would add up like weights on his shoulders. Time would push at him, making him wonder what could have been.
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