“Are you okay?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I lied. “Sorry. I just wanted to… tell you to drive safe.”
He stared at me.
He felt the same way I did.
I could have asked him to stay.
He could have asked me to leave with him.
But all we did was stand there in silence.
I stopped typing and flexed my fingers and cracked my knuckles. I reached for my mug, took a sip, and quickly spit out the cold coffee. As I blinked and looked around the loft, I realized I had lost track of time.
Which was a good thing.
I went back and read what I had written, saved it and sent it to Lucy.
Without waiting a second, I sent her a text message to check her email.
The entire project was coming together really nicely. It was almost too perfect. I was writing what I wanted to write. The words were flowing amazingly. Being in Adam’s cozy house was everything I’d dreamed of. Walking along the lake every day. Sitting at the kitchen table watching it rain. Not to mention the company of Adam… I couldn’t get enough of him.
The things he could do with his hands and mouth… the things he made me want to do with mine…
“Whew,” I whispered, feeling a tingling sensation roll through my body.
My phone buzzed with a text and I figured it was Lucy.
Nope.
Surprisingly, it was Chad.
Need to talk right now
I rolled my eyes.
“Why didn’t you just call then, you idiot?” I asked my phone.
Call me then
I wasn’t going to call him. Screw him.
My phone rang, and I quickly answered it.
“That was a waste of a text, huh?”
“We need to figure this shit out right now,” he barked into the phone.
“Hello, Elena. How are you? How are things?” I asked in a cocky voice.
“Yeah, great,” Chad said. “I don’t have time for this.”
“Time for what?”
“Elena, you want your stuff? Come and get it.”
“Oh, so you decide when it’s time to end this thing for real now?” I asked.
“Yeah, because this thing never had a chance.”
“To be fair, you cheated.”
“Like you were ever really here yourself.”
I shook my head. “Whatever.”
“It’s not whatever. I broke the lease. We’re done.”
“What?”
“You heard what I said, Elena. I broke the lease. I’m not covering this place by myself. I’m barely home anyway.”
“How nice to hear.”
“I lost my job, okay?”
“What?”
“Nothing,” he said. “I shouldn't have said that. Whatever. I’m trying to tell you something, Elena. So just listen to me for a second. I killed the lease on the house, okay? So, I’m out. I'm done here. I’m not taking any of your stuff with me either. So, whatever you want, come and get it."
"Thanks for the heads up then,” I said.
“Don't give me shit for this, Elena. I had to do it.”
“I’m not saying a thing. When are you-”
The call went dead.
He hung up on me.
I growled. “When are you not going to be there? Because I never want to fucking see you again.”
I thought about texting him, but it was useless. Why bother fueling the fire?
All I needed to do was get my stuff and get out of there. Then it was done for good. In a perfect world I’d never see Chad again. I’d never hear of him again either. All those years with him would settle in as memories.
Now I needed to make plans to go back to the old house again one last time.
And I needed Adam’s help.
* * *
It was weird for me to ask Adam to help me with Chad. Guilt stung my heart for a couple of reasons. I knew Adam never liked Chad. And everything Adam felt about Chad had turned out to be right. But Adam never once said that to me. He supported me in everything that had happened. Then and now.
I paced the kitchen, taking turns chewing on the fingernails of my right hand, then my left hand, then back to my right hand…
Until finally, Adam stopped me and held me by the arms.
“I already offered to help you, sugar," he said. “What are you so nervous about?”
“Am I just like him?” I asked.
“What?”
“I’ve always had a thing for you, Adam. Always. Every time we were together back then I wanted more. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted it all. So what kind of person am I? I hurt you by never following my heart and leading your heart on. And I hurt Chad too. I was never fully his. How long could he have waited? Huh?”
Adam let out a sigh. “I don’t have an answer to that, Elena. I wasn’t any better, always tempting you. No matter what I said or did as your friend, it was never really as your friend. It was as this hopeless idiot wanting you so badly.”
“So, we’re both fucking stupid?”
“No. We’re both fucking in love with each other. And things are what they are. Why does it matter now?”
“I want to be mad at him,” I said. “But I’m mad at myself.”
“You have to figure out how to forgive yourself. And no matter what, you have the right to get your stuff out of the house. Whether you two loved each other, hated each other, no matter who cheated or who hurt who… it's your stuff. So get it, and be done.”
I nodded. “Thank you, Adam. For everything.”
“No. I don't want to hear that. Focus on what we need to do now.”
“It’s not that much stuff. I could probably fit it in my car. I don’t know. I just want you there.”
“Then I’ll be there,” he said.
“I love you, Adam,” I whispered. I touched his face.
“Love you right back, sugar,” he said.
We kissed.
I felt guilty.
But for the first time in what seemed like my entire life, I was doing what I wanted.
Adam didn’t even make it down to the main road before I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “This is probably a bad idea, you coming, right?”
He looked at me and smirked. “Yeah.”
* * *
The first time I saw the house, I saw it as a perfect writing house. It was tall, pointy and white with black shutters. It had a small white fence out front and a single tree in the front yard. It was cute. And when we took the tour and I spotted the back room that would be my writing room, I was hooked. It was by far too much house for two people. But I thought Chad going along with it meant he wanted to have space to fill.
I thought I wanted that too.
“He’s not here,” I said. “Let’s grab and go then.”
“You’re the boss,” he said.
I led the way into the house.
The couches were gone. The dining room table was gone. The kitchen was cleaned out, cabinets open.
He took everything.
Which was fine. I wasn’t going to argue over who paid what toward the furniture.
“I just wanted my desk, obviously,” I said as we walked up the stairs.
“You have that,” Adam said.
“Then there’s a bunch of stuff in one of the spare bedrooms. And my boxes in the master closet.”
“You point it out and I’ll move it.”
I didn't like the feeling of being in the house. Not because all the good memories attacked me, wanting to break my heart. It was the opposite. After being with Adam and seeing the way he treated me… I realized this house was nothing but bad memories.
I led the way to the spare bedroom. It was basically a glorified closet. I had such great plans for the room. To actually add a bed, a dresser, turn it into a true guest room. But the thing was, there was nobody visiting. It wasn’t like my mother came to visit. She was just hours away, but getting her away from her little
beach life was almost impossible. And for Chad, after his injury, he burned so many bridges at once, he trapped himself.
He was trapped.
Those words hurt me as I stood in the doorway to the mostly empty room.
“All those boxes, sugar?” Adam asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s all I’ve got of my life. Memories. Growing up and all that.”
“Better than nothing,” he said.
He kissed the top of my head as a gentle gesture to how he had nothing of his childhood. Which I already knew. But that didn’t take away how I felt.
Adam stacked three boxes on top of one another and lifted.
He was on the move, so I went into the master bedroom to get the rest of my stuff.
The mattress and box spring were gone. The headboard and footboard too. The only thing left were the indents from the bed and dresser after years of just sitting there. Chad really had cleaned the place out.
Untouched were the boxes that had been under the bed but were now exposed in the middle of the floor.
When I opened the closet, my clothes hung there, squished together. On the floor was a pile of clothes, everything from the dresser that had been mine.
I swallowed a lump in my throat and got busy. I could figure out the emotions later. Because I really did hate Chad. I was really mad at him for what had happened. But that anger mixed with my own for all I had done. And forgiving myself almost felt like forgiving Chad. If I didn’t forgive Chad, it justified all the time I lost with Adam.
I counted the steps each time I ran down them and ran back up them. There were fifteen steps. Over and over, carrying small stacks of boxes while Adam carried much bigger ones. I scooped up handfuls of clothes and threw them across the back seat of his truck. There was something about seeing my clothes that way that made me feel like my mother. Like I was scattered in life. I was the one who always had the plan. Everything was figured out.
And now it wasn’t.
I walked back inside to find Adam hooking his finger under a shirt that had fallen out of my grasp on the way down the steps.
“I believe this is yours, sugar,” he said with a smile.
It was a purple top with buttons that I’d probably only worn once or twice for house showings. But seeing the way Adam stood there, so tall, so wide, so wickedly beautiful as a man, holding that shirt, it just destroyed me.
I blinked fast as a few tears escaped my eyes.
“Hey, it’s okay, Elena,” he whispered. He handed me the shirt and hugged me. “It’s okay. I know this is hard.”
“It’s not hard,” I said. “I’m mad for a hundred reasons.”
“Let’s get this shirt into my truck and get the hell out of here,” Adam said.
“Where am I going to take all of this stuff?”
I looked up at him.
“My place,” he said without hesitation.
“I can't do that to you. I can't just impose on your life. Again.”
“I think it’s too late for that.”
“I’m being serious, Adam.”
“Tell you what,” he said. “Let’s put everything in my living room. And you go through what’s needed and what needs to be packed away. I’ve got room in my attic next to the loft or we can use the apartment above the diner.”
“Why are you so good to me?” I asked.
Adam smiled, and I couldn’t wait for his answer. I knew what it was going to be, but I wanted to hear him say he loved me again.
Except his eyes moved away from me.
And his face changed.
I turned my head, again already knowing what was happening.
“Well, look at this…” a voice said.
Chad stood in the doorway to the house.
* * *
He was drunk.
“We were just getting out of here,” Adam said, stepping in front of me.
My heart was pounding.
There was a time when Chad had been bigger than Adam. But I always believed that Adam was tougher and stronger. Now, Adam was like a giant compared to Chad. All the muscle Chad had in high school was no longer there. He was just tall, chubby, and looked miserable. Adam was taller, cut with muscle, and had years of pent up anger ready to explode.
“Enjoying my house and my girl again, Adam?” Chad asked.
“You cheated on me,” I said.
“You cheated on me long before I did,” Chad said.
The words stung hard. I wanted to defend myself, but I thought back to the night of my graduation party. The night Adam got hit by the car. The night Adam kissed me.
“I’m not doing this, Chad,” I said. “We’re leaving. I’m out of here for good. Look…”
I fumbled for my keys and took the house key off the ring and flicked it at Chad.
He swatted it away and lunged at me.
Adam put an arm out and stopped Chad, pushing him to the side. Being drunk, he tripped over his own feet and slammed against the wall in the foyer.
“You scumbag,” Chad said.
He moved at Adam, but he was ready.
With two fistfuls of Chad’s shirt, Adam drove him back to the wall again and held him there.
“It’s done,” Adam ordered.
“You always wanted her. But you never had the balls to take her. Until now, huh? You finally grew up.”
“And you never did,” Adam said.
Chad laughed. He looked at me. “How cute of you to run to him with all your fucking problems. Just like always.”
“I’m done with you, Chad,” I said. “Adam, drive me home.”
“Home?” Chad asked. “Where the fuck is home for you?”
“None of your business,” Adam said.
He pushed away from Chad and opened the front door for me.
I looked at Chad and saw the look on his face.
“What a fucking mistake,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“Us,” he spat. “I gave you all the time in the world. You just kept taking. You thought you could be a fucking writer? What a joke.”
“Elena, just walk out,” Adam said. “He’s drunk. He’s going to say whatever it takes to get you upset.”
“I’m just telling the truth. You could have helped me. But you were greedy. And you had someone else you wanted all along…”
I swung my hand and slapped Chad across his cheek. It burned like fire but felt so good.
Chad just laughed though. He touched his cheek, staring at me, not bothered by the slap.
“He’ll never be anything,” Adam said to me. “Come on. You have so much more to give the world than this shit.”
“What about you?” Chad asked Adam.
Adam looked back. “I’ll be everything you could never be. That’s all you need to know about me.”
Adam slipped an arm around me and we left the house.
Before the door shut, Chad was there again.
“How’s the shoulder, Adam?” he asked as he threw a punch.
I let out a yell as Chad’s fist slammed against Adam’s bad shoulder. Adam slid forward and clutched at it. He lost his footing at the top step and started to fall. I knew that if I grabbed him, I’d fall too. So, I covered my mouth and watched as Adam wrestled to keep his balance, which he somehow did. He looked like he was in a ton of pain though as he turned and moved up the steps. Chad was throwing punches at the air, laughing as he did so, making a complete fool of himself.
Adam curled his lip. His right hand was balled up tight.
Chad began to move his feet left to right, looking like a boxer. But believe me, he wasn't a boxer. He was in wrinkly dress pants and an untucked white shirt. In some sad way he was the exact person I knew a long time ago. Just the adult version of it.
My heart hurt again.
“Let’s leave,” Adam said to me. “Did you get everything you needed?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m ready to go.”
“Good for you,” Chad said. “Run off together. A l
oser with a loser. I should have known better.”
“Goodbye, Chad,” I said.
“Enjoy living with a scumbag,” he said and laughed.
I walked down the steps and watched as Adam made one last move. He punched one of Chad’s feet as he kept trying to dance left to right. That made Chad lose his balance again and he toppled down to the porch.
“See you around,” Adam said.
He turned and charged down the steps, showing restraint.
That’s when I saw something on one of the steps.
A pill bottle.
I lifted it and carried it down the steps. The label was almost completely faded. The date on the bottle years ago. Yet there were pills in the bottle.
Adam opened the passenger door of the truck for me. “Let’s get out of here.”
I nodded and curled my hand around the pill bottle tightly.
I knew he was in pain, but not like this.
Everything I owned was in Adam’s truck.
Including my heart.
I was in love with him.
To my right was my old house. Chad trying to stand because he was drunk.
To my left was Adam.
He drove away and didn’t speak a word.
I wasn’t going to do the hiding thing.
I was going to get hurt…
“These fell out of your pocket,” I said and put the bottle between us.
Adam looked and quickly clamped his right hand down on the bottle. “Dammit.”
“Is that…”
“It’s not that simple, Elena.”
“It looks that way. That’s not from a doctor, is it?”
He looked at me and swallowed hard. “I told you not to fall for me. Not to get too close.”
“So, this is my fault then?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I love you, sugar. This stuff was the only thing that dulled the pain everywhere inside me.”
“Why do you still have it then if you have me?”
Adam stared ahead at the road.
His silence hurt worse than any answer could have.
I looked back at the pile of clothes and then out the back window to all the boxes.
And I realized I’d found a sense of pain that was worse than Chad cheating on me.
It was the pain from falling in love with Adam and realizing he was as lost as ever.
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