Slay and Rescue

by John Moore

  “How can you tell?”

  “All the important formulas are highlighted with yellow ink.” He snapped the book shut and set it casually aside as the Wicked Queen entered. Although the rain had disappeared to reveal a morning that was merely overcast, Queen Ruby’s presence was enough to create a mood of dramatic tension. She was not wearing the vicious leather outfit of the night before, but her appearance in a tight black sweater, with scarlet lips and nails, was only a little less striking. “To breakfast, boys.” she said briskly. “We’ve got business to discuss.”

  Wendell followed Charming to the dining room. “What business?”

  “A quest. She wants me to go on a quest.”

  “Did you tell her you don’t do quests?”

  “I told her. She thinks I’ll change my mind.”

  “Oh, come on.” Wendell seated himself before a bowl of oatmeal. “You’re Prince Charming, heir to the wealthiest and most powerful throne in the twenty kingdoms. What could she possibly have to offer you?” He noticed the Prince flick his gaze to the Queen’s sweater-clad bosom and sighed. “Never mind. Forget I asked.”

  “Specifically,” said the Prince, “A grail quest.”

  “Oh not again. Every knight who ever lived has searched for the Holy Grail.”

  “We are not looking for the Holy Grail,” said the Queen. “That is but a fantasy.”

  “There’s another one?” asked Ann.

  “Dozens of ’em,” said Charming. “The ancient fertility cults were very big on grails. Every two-bit druid who ever put up a couple of standing stones had to have a magic grail. There’s grail legends all over the place and knights have been tracking them down since time immemorial. None of them came up with spit.”

  Said Ruby, “It is the very ubiquitousness of those legends that convinces me they have a common basis in fact. I have researched this subject thoroughly, examining the common threads among them, till at last I, and I alone, have deduced the location of the Fisher King’s castle.”

  “Ubiquitousness?” said Wendell.

  “Who is the Fisher King?” said Ann.

  “The mythical Fisher King had the grail, which made his land fertile and his people prosperous,” explained Charming. “The grail is hidden in a chapel. According to the legend, the Fisher King gets mortally wounded and land becomes barren as a result. The knight who survives the dangers of the Chapel Perilous gets the grail and becomes the new Fisher King.”

  “Well,” said Ann doubtfully. “I suppose it’s better than looking for a magic sword.”

  “It’s not much of a legend, but at least it’s to the point.”

  “It’s an excellent legend,” said the Wicked Queen, eyes gleaming. “The full text contains all the clues needed to locate the Grail Castle.”

  “Yeah, sure. And no one has ever figured them out except you, right?”

  “Many have figured out the location of the Grail Castle. Of that I am certain. And yet none have recovered the Grail. Of that I am certain also. For the ancient texts make it quite clear. Only one who is pure can hope to survive the Chapel Perilous.”

  “Pure?” asked Ann.

  “Chaste. Virtuous.”

  “This doesn’t sound like anyone I know,” said Wendell.

  “Must I spell everything out for you?” the Queen demanded of Ann. “Only a virgin can brave the Chapel Perilous.”

  “All right,” said Charming. “You don’t have to make a big deal about it.”

  “You’ve never… um?” Ann stopped and blushed.

  “I’ve been saving myself for the right girl.”

  Wendell made a choking noise, but Ann looked at the Prince with new respect.

  “Well, I think that’s very nice. I don’t know why you think it’s something to be embarrassed about.”

  “That’s because you’re a girl. You’d think differently if you were a boy.”

  “If we could return to the subject at hand,” said the Queen.

  “Look,” said the Prince. “I told you last night. I don’t do quests. Slay and rescue, that’s my line. Quests are not in my job description. Find someone else. In fact, I can refer you to some knights who do good quests. Grails, the True Cross, magic swords, enchanted rings, hidden treasure, philosopher’s stone, fountains of youth, a breakfast cereal that tastes good and yet is good for you, if it’s out there, they’ll look for it. I’ll bet there’s a couple of virgins among them, too. There’s an epidemic of it in the Twenty Kingdoms. Besides, some of them are pretty ugly.”

  “You are the best for the job,” said the Queen. “You are young, strong, and incredibly brave. Your swordsmanship is without parity. You are too rich and high born to be easily bought off. You are respected throughout the twenty kingdoms and can easily raise reinforcements, if they should be needed. And finally, you are, of course, Prince Charming. You may even be able to talk your way to the grail.”

  “You flatter me. But flattery is not enough to persuade me to undertake this silly and futile quest.”

  “You will do it,” said the Queen, “because you are Prince Charming. You have seen this land. The forests are dying and the game is disappearing. The rain is washing the topsoil away. The corn grows shorter each year and the cows are barren. The lambs are sickly. The orchards are bare. These people need a fertility grail. They need you to bring it to them. You will not ignore their plight.”

  “It is pretty bad,” admitted Wendell.

  Charming looked at the ceiling, then at the floor, then at the walls. “They’re not my people,” he said guiltily. “I’ve got my own kingdom.”

  “If this land is dying,” said Ann to the Queen. “It’s because of you and your sorcery. You are constantly spraying noxious potions into the air and into the water, for one thing. And for another, the evil influence of your sorcery spreads from this castle like a poisonous cloud.”

  “Shut up,” snapped the Queen. “You are not qualified to make judgments on the complex art of sorcery. The spells I cast upon this land were for the good of its people. My intent is to raise them from their squalor and poverty and make this into a great and powerful country.”

  “Under Daddy’s rule the people led simple, pastoral lives. There was no squalor and poverty until you took over.”

  Said Wendell, “Do you have any brown sugar to go with this oatmeal?”

  “No!”

  “All right,” said Charming. “Here’s the deal. I’ll check it out, okay? I’m not making any promises. I’m not saying I’ll get the grail. But I’ll take a look around.”

  “Very well,” said the Queen. “I’m sure we can reach an agreement after you have assessed the situation.”

  “You don’t have to do this,” said Ann.

  “Be quiet!”

  “One question,” said Charming. “If this grail thing is so valuable, what makes you so darn sure I’ll bring it back to you?”

  “The integrity of Prince Charming is known throughout the twenty kingdoms.”

  “Good point.”

  “Furthermore,” said the Queen. “Ann is going with you.”

  “HEY, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT,” said Charming, as he saddled up a horse for her. “We’ll take a little side trip to the marketplace at Alacia. You can go shopping. It’s right near the wharf and they have a lot of imported perfumes and spices and silks and other girl stuff.”

  “Don’t patronize me.”

  “Well, you don’t have to look so dour about this. You don’t really believe this grail thing, do you?”

  “Don’t you?”

  “No. I think your stepmother is a nut.”

  “She’s very wicked. But she’s not stupid. I think she wants to get me out of the country while she cooks up some other scheme.”

  “Hmmm. Why wouldn’t she just banish you?”

  “The peasants would not stand for it. They’ve tolerated a lot, but they are still loyal to my father’s memory and will only stand so much.”

  “On the other hand,” Ann continued, “sh
e would not have nearly as much trouble if I were away on a quest and were to meet with some sort of accident…”

  “Hey,” cut in Charming. “Don’t worry about that. Anyone comes near you, I’ll slice him to ribbons.”

  “Yeah,” chimed in Wendell.

  “Thank you,” said Ann. “I appreciate that.”

  These noble sentiments were interrupted by a small crowd of peasants who approached the courtyard. “Excuse me,” said Ann, “I must talk to them.” The Prince followed within earshot.

  As he drew closer he saw that the peasants comprised one of the most sickly and depressing groups he had ever seen. Charming had traveled all over the twenty kingdoms in his search for wrongs to right, but most of his travels had been in the fertile lowlands and prosperous trading port kingdoms. He was used to fields fat with grain, contented cattle, heavily laden orchards. He had dealt with jovial farmers and happy, well-fed children. He saw none of that here.

  The crowd was dressed in rags. Some had rags wrapped around their feet, most were barefoot. Their haggard faces were streaked with mud and their backs were stooped from long hours in the fields. Their farm implements were worn and rusted. Several of the women carried small children, and in their large eyes the Prince saw a despair that chilled him to his very bones.

  The crowd stopped. The eldest of them limped forward. Ann stepped forward, also. “Yes, Cumbert?”

  “Little Princess,” said Cumbert. “It is rumored that you are leaving us.”

  “I shall be gone only for a little while, Cumbert.”

  “Do not leave us, Little Princess. Without you to intercede, we will be at the mercy of…” The man stopped. He looked past Ann and his eyes grew round in his head. “It’s Prince Charming!”

  Charming smiled and shrugged. A murmur of awe went up from the crowd. Ann smiled also. “Yes, Cumbert. It is he.”

  Cumbert’s next words held pure panic. “It’s Prince Charming come to marry our Princess. He’ll carry her off to Illyria and we’ll never see her again!”

  A great wail rose from the crowd. The men and women hesitantly shuffled around for a minute and then, motivated by the same instinct, moved forward to form a protective circle around Ann, defiantly separating her from the Prince.

  “Oh, for goodness sake,” said Charming. “I’ve heard of chaperones, but this is absurd.”

  “Your Highness, why don’t you speak with my stepmother while I talk to these people?”

  “Good idea,” said Charming. He retreated across the drawbridge while Ann engaged the peasants in agitated conversation. “Terrific. If I try any moves on this babe, I’ll have a lynch mob waiting when I get back.” Inside the castle Ruby was putting the final touches on a hand-drawn map.

  “Here,” she said. “At the edge of the Black Oak Forest, in the foothills of the Craggy Mountains. Travel south from Sojourner’s Hamlet and hang a left at the waterfall. You can’t miss it.”

  “Uh huh.” Charming looked over her shoulder. The map showed an X inside a circle. There were some tiny notes, written in a crabbed hand, next to the X. “What do the notes mean?”

  “Oh,” said the Queen airily. “That just mentions the thorns.”

  “What thorns?”

  “There may be some thorn bushes growing around the castle.”

  “Well, I can handle a thorn hedge. What’s that other word there? Starts with a D.”

  “Oh, nothing.”

  “D,” said the Prince. “Now what starts with D? Hmmmm. D, D, D. Let me think. Why, golly, dragon starts with a D!”

  “Well, yes. There may be a dragon there.”

  “May be, huh? You can’t use your magic mirror and take a look?”

  “Unfortunately, no. It only has a range of fifteen miles. King Humphrey wanted to put an antenna up on the tower and pull in the jousting matches, but the tournament directors got their own magicians to scramble the signals.” The Queen rolled up the map and slapped it in Charming’s hand. “Oh, come on. A big strong man like you isn’t afraid of an itsy, bitsy, little dragon, is he?”

  “A big strong man like me isn’t afraid of ridicule, either. Especially from itsy, bitsy, bubble brains who have never gone up against an attacking dragon. If one of them is there, you’re going to have to give me a big, strong incentive to take it on.”

  Ruby took Charming’s hand and placed it against her left breast. “Have you ever had a woman drip warm honey all over your body and then slowly lick it all off with her tongue?”

  “Oh, hell,” said the Prince. “What’s one dragon more or less?”

  “Exactly. Now then, are you three ready to go?”

  “As soon as Ann is finished talking with her fan club.”

  The Wicked Queen glowered. “That little bitch. It’s disgusting the way they adore her. I’m the Queen. They owe allegiance to me. They should be willing to grovel at my feet. And they will. When I have the grail I’ll crush…” She saw Charming staring at her. “Ha ha, just kidding. When I have the grail, I’ll bring peace and prosperity and subsidized dental care, and all that good stuff to the kingdom.”

  “You’re at peace now.”

  “Right. And we’ll stay that way. Certainly.”

  “Yeah, well, I can see this country is in good hands, so we’ll just be off then.”

  Ruby followed him out to the courtyard and watched the trio mount up. “Farewell, young prince. May good fortune follow you in all your endeavors. Goodbye, Wendell.” To Ann she said nothing, nor did Ann acknowledge her.

  Outside the gate the townspeople stood aside to let them pass. Some had tears in their eyes. “Goodbye, Little Princess.”

  “Goodbye, good people. Goodbye, Cumbert. I’ll be back, I promise.”

  “Sheeesh,” said Wendell. “Let’s get out of here.”

  THEY RODE SOUTHWARD OUT of the mountains. It was a relief to Wendell to get away from the sterile crags and deserted forests of Tyrovia, and down into the lush valleys of Alacia where spring was whipping along at an open rein. Newborn lambs cavorted in the fields, colts and fillies pranced on wobbly legs, and fingerling trout danced just below the surface of the streams. The horses were in fine humor and soon fell into an easy step along the moist, loamy earth. The weather graced them with sunny skies and warm breezes. It was, all in all, an ideal time to travel and Ann couldn’t help voicing her opinion that they could have been making better time than they were.

  The Prince ignored her. “Quests are supposed to be long and filled with travails,” he explained. “You can’t just nip out and back, like you were running out to the fish market to pick up a bass, and expect your people to be impressed. If you come back with this grail thing too soon, you’ll just cheapen it for them.”

  Ann thought this theory was, to put it mildly, stupid. But she didn’t want to be objectionable this early in the trip. She had plans of her own to put into effect. She hadn’t quite formulated these plans yet, but she knew she had them. So after the first few objections, she held her tongue while the Prince and Wendell took a few hours off each day to explore a side trail, do a little hunting or fishing, swim, climb trees, or just nap. “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Charming would explain laconically, bunching his jacket under his head for a pillow. Wendell, knitting a fishhook onto a piece of thread, would nod. Ann bit back her impatience.

  Another thing bothered her. When he was away from the towns and villages and not likely to run into anyone influential, Charming would pack away his silk shirts and royal blue cloaks, and dress in plain gray homespun. There was nothing really wrong with him wanting to dress in comfortable clothes, Ann knew. Riding could be hot and dirty work and she, after all, had mere housemaid’s clothing. Still, it just made him seem so much less, well, princely.

  “Are you sure this is the right way?” she asked. “You haven’t looked at the map since we set out.”

  “All roads lead to Rome,” replied Wendell with a scholarly air. He baited his hook with a minnow and dropped it in the stream.

  �
��What does that mean?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just a saying I heard. But this road goes to Briar Rose Village which is right near the spot your stepmother marked on her map. It’s a good-sized village.”

  “But if there is a village nearby, surely someone would have found the grail chapel by now.”

  “So? Maybe the map’s wrong.”

  Ann gave up on the subject. “When in Rome, do as the Romans do,” she reasoned and tried to force herself to match the Prince’s easy rhythm of life. She stretched out next to him under an apple tree, letting the warm sunlight caress her face, and fell into a prolonged daydream. Fluffy white clouds passed overhead and she incorporated them into tales of virtuous, beleaguered maidens, brave and noble knights in shining armor, gleaming castles, and elaborate weddings with multitiered wedding cakes, dozens of bridesmaids, and a full orchestra for the reception.

  “You’ve rescued lots of maidens, haven’t you?” she said to Charming, who was peeling an apple with his dagger.

  Charming shrugged. “Somebody’s got to.”

  “Don’t you like doing it?”

  “Oh, sure. I mean, it beats working for a living.”

  “You’re so brave. Even the dragons must shake with fear when they see you coming.”

  “Huh,” said Charming. He bit into the apple. “Dragons fear nothing.”

  “I hate dragons,” said Wendell.

  The Prince nodded. “Nasty, vicious creatures. Tough, too. With that scaly armor all over, they’re virtually indestructible.”

  “And they’re fast,” said Wendell. “Over rocky ground they can outrun a horse.”

  “They get up on their hind legs and run like blazes. That’s not the big ones, of course. Once they get bigger than about, oh, fifteen feet they stay down on all fours. Still, fifteen feet of dragon towering over you, claws extended, smoke and flame spewing from his nostrils, is plenty enough dragon for me.”

  “Then how do you slay them?”

  “Charge straight at them. A fast, brave horse and a sharp lance. When he opens his jaws to roast you, put the lance through the roof of his mouth and into his brain.”