Slay and Rescue

by John Moore

  “Well, I appreciate it just the same,” said Aurora. She turned to Ann. “And I appreciate all your kind words and friendship, too, Ann.”

  Ann summoned up her best honey-coated voice. “Why, it was a pleasure to be of help, Aurora.”

  “I suppose, now that your quest is over, you’ll be returning to your own kingdom?”

  “I suppose so,” said Ann. She really hadn’t thought about returning home until now. She would have no fertility grail with which to help the peasants. Being with her stepmother again was depressing enough in itself, but the idea of leaving Prince Charming also left her with a sinking feeling, although she really couldn’t say why.

  “Well, I’m sorry you can’t stay longer,” continued Aurora. “But there’s really no reason for you to stick around, is there? And you probably have so much to do at home.”

  “I suppose so.”

  “Oh, hey, what’s the big hurry?” said Charming. “Stay for a while. Take a holiday. As I said, there’s plenty to do in Illyria, all sorts of parties and balls and banquets. What’s so important at home that a few more days won’t matter?”

  “No, really, I must be going…” said Ann.

  “She probably misses her boyfriend,” Aurora whispered to Charming. His face fell.

  “… but if you insist, I suppose I might stay a few days,” Ann finished loudly.

  “Hey, great, terrific! Okay, well, I’ll see you both in the morning, I guess. Good night.”

  “Good night,” said Ann.

  “Good night,” said Aurora.

  Neither girl made the slightest attempt at movement. Aurora maintained her grip on Charming’s arm. Ann stood with her feet solidly planted on the floor. The honeyed tones had dropped from their voices and they were now glaring at each other with open hostility.

  “Good night,” said the Prince again. “I guess you’ll both be getting back to your rooms now.”

  Neither Princess said a word, but continued to wait for the other girl to leave first. Charming looked from one to the other, mystified. This could have gone on all night, but fortunately there came yet another knock at the door. “Come in,” said the Prince with relief.

  Wendell burst in. “Good evening, Sire. Oh, hello, Aurora. Hi, Ann.”

  “Hello, Wendell,” everybody chorused.

  “I rousted up one of the cooks and got him to make us a snack. There is toast and eggs and bacon and kippers and sausage. Also, there’s fresh gingerbread.”

  “Sounds good, Wendell. I’ll be down in a minute.”

  “I don’t think I’m hungry,” said Aurora. “I believe I’ll turn in now.”

  “But there’s gingerbread,” said Wendell incredulously.

  “Not tonight, thanks. Good night.” She left with a backward glance at the Prince.

  “I’ll join you in a few minutes,” said Ann. She left also.

  “What’s eating those two?” said Wendell.

  The Prince shrugged.

  “Girls,” said Wendell distastefully. “Oh, I almost forgot. Norville wants to see you first thing tomorrow.”

  “Tell him I’m not back yet.”

  “He already knows you’re back.”

  “Tell him I’m sick.”

  “He says it’s real important.”

  “It always is. Let’s eat.”

  “Okay. We have to hurry, though. Mandelbaum is going to mix up some new potions tonight for keeping starlings away from grain fields and he said I could help him. It has something to do with live bats. He has them flying into his tower. Won’t that be neat?”

  “Bats, yep. Sounds great. You’ve been spending a lot of time with Mandelbaum lately, Wendell. Are you planning to go into sorcery instead of becoming a knight?”

  “Oh, no. I just think magic is, you know, really neat. Mandelbaum said he’d consider me for a sorceror’s apprentice, but I said no. Magic is pretty cool, but it’s not as good as riding across the kingdoms and fighting with swords and slaying things, and you don’t get to wear armor and you don’t get a title. And it’s just years and years of studying out of books and practicing self-discipline and mind exercises. Besides, when I told him how much you depended on me, he knew that you needed me to be your squire.”

  “Right.”

  “Sorcerers get to do some pretty awesome stuff, though. Maybe I could be a knight and a wizard. Hey, that would be wild. A knight who could also work magic. I’d be the most famous knight in the twenty kingdoms.”

  “Just remember there are more important things in life than fame and glory, Wendell.”

  “Sure. You mean like truth, justice, honor, and family?”

  “Actually, I meant like getting laid. But those, too.”

  They went downstairs and were joined on the way by Ann. She had changed out of her nightdress, back into the simple black dresses with lace trim that she usually wore. They went to a small dining alcove that spun off one of the many hallways. Charming was silent. It had been a long day and a tiring ride. He wanted simply to have a relaxing meal and go to bed. It was not to be.

  When they entered the dining room, Queen Ruby was sitting inside.

  To say the three travelers were surprised would be an understatement of monumental proportions. Wendell’s mouth dropped open. Ann turned pale. All three were struck dumb, but it was the Prince who was the first to recover. “Ah, Queen Ruby, how good to see you again. What pleasant course of circumstance brings you to Illyria?”

  The Wicked Queen was dressed in her usual black. She wore a tight black silk blouse with pearl buttons, black jodhpur pants, the spiked-heeled boots, of course, and back lace fingerless gloves, elbow length, the overall effect being both sexy and sinister. She had been sitting at the table buttering a scone, but when the Prince spoke she rose to her feet and addressed him severely.

  “Cut the chatter, Charming. I want to know where that grail is.”

  “What are you doing here?” demanded Ann.

  “What are you doing here is more the question, young lady. I don’t recall any stayovers in Illyria being part of your itinerary. Not that I’m surprised. I knew from the start you wouldn’t keep your end of the bargain, Charming. I came here because I knew you’d try to keep that grail for yourself. That is, if little Ann here hasn’t managed to weasel it out of you.”

  “Hey!” said Wendell. “You can’t talk to the Prince like that.”

  “No one has done any weaseling that I’m aware of,” said Charming.

  “I can’t believe this,” said Ann. “I am so embarrassed.”

  “Well,” said the Queen smugly. “Those were three evasive answers. I’ll try it again. Which one of you has the grail?”

  “Nobody has the grail,” said Ann. “There was no grail. The site is occupied by a castle of fairly recent construction. Whatever was there before must have gotten destroyed.”

  “Don’t try to lie to me, young lady. I’ll mete out your punishment when we get home. Charming, I want that grail. I’ve already requested an audience with your father where I intend to demand the return of my rightful property.”

  “The whole place was riddled with magic,” said the Prince. “Dragons, sleeping spells, enchanted woods. Send in a team of archaeological magicians and there’s no telling what you might find. But if there was ever a grail there, it isn’t to be found now.”

  Ruby rose to her feet and favored Charming with a sinister smile, offset by blood-red lips. It was clear that she did not believe any one of them. She was about to speak again when Mandelbaum entered the room. “Ah, there you are, Wendell. I heard there was food in preparation and I thought I’d find you here.”

  “Looks like a good day for timely entrances,” said the Prince to Ann, sotto voce.

  “What have we here?” said Mandelbaum. “Scones, kippers, very nice.” He spread some jam on a scone and bit into it, then his eyes caught the Wicked Queen. He swallowed hastily. “Oh, hello. Have we met?”

  “Mandelbaum, this is Queen Ruby of Alacia, Ann’s stepmother,�
�� said the Prince by way of introduction. The Queen haughtily held out her hand and Mandelbaum raised it to his lips. “Queen Ruby, this is Mandelbaum, Royal Sorcerer to the Court of Illyria.”

  All trace of haughtiness vanished from the Queen’s manner. “Oh, reeeeeeallly?” She moved in closer to the magician. “You must be a very powerful sorcerer.

  “At your service, Madam.” Mandelbaum cast a discerning eye down the Queen’s slim body and apparently liked what he saw for he let his eyes roam back up. “I do what I can to lend my humble abilities to the service of my king and country,” he continued with totally transparent modesty.

  “I just looove magicians,” murmured the Queen. She traced a line across Mandelbaum’s chest with a blood-red fingernail. “They have such power, such… inner strength. I’d just love to learn their deepest secrets.”

  “The pursuit of knowledge can indeed be very, um, gratifying,” said Mandelbaum. “I take it you have some interest in the black arts yourself?”

  “Oh, yes. I have long immersed myself in the science of magic.” She took both his hands and looked deep into his eyes. “But I fear that, studying by myself, without an experienced magician to guide me, I have gained but a dim and incoherent grasp of the subject.”

  “No kidding,” muttered Ann. Ruby shot her a warning look. “One must have patience,” said Mandelbaum. “These things take time. Would you be interested in a brief tour of my laboratory?”

  “I’d love one,” said Ruby. She put his arm around her waist and let him steer her toward the door. “Ann, I shall wish to speak to you in the morning. Um, not too early.”

  “Mandelbaum!” said Wendell. “What about the bats?”

  “Another time, Wendell.”

  “But…”

  “Another time, Wendell.” He left with the Queen. Wendell, dumbfounded, could hear their voices trailing down the hall. “Have you ever studied, I mean, really studied, the bat? An amazing creature.”

  “Bats fascinate me,” murmured the Queen. They mounted the stairs together.

  “Huh!” said Wendell. “What got into him all of a sudden?”

  “Cut him some slack, Wendell. You’ll understand in a few years.”

  “What a bitch,” said Ann. “I just hate her. I can’t believe Mandelbaum is such a pushover. I thought he was so smart. Can’t he see she’s just using him?”

  “Well,” said the Prince, “A guy’s brain sort of fogs up when he thinks he’s going to get… when he’s with a woman. He’ll do things he wouldn’t do otherwise. Stupid things.”

  Ann gave him an arch look. “Like slaying dragons single-handedly?”

  “I was thinking more like writing poems and sending flowers. But that too.”

  ALTHOUGH CHARMING WAS THE PRINCE and heir apparent to his father’s throne and also held both a knighthood and a commission in the army, he was not obligated to fill any administrative post in the kingdom. Many a young prince in many another kingdom, faced with a life of leisure and wealth, bereft of responsibility, had let himself degenerate into a wastrel, a pleasure-sodden parasite of no value to his society or himself. Charming, however, took his role of Paladin and guardian of justice with just enough seriousness to avoid the temptations of sloth, drunkenness, gluttony, and debauchery to which so many other young men of privilege had fallen. Although in private moments he was willing to concede that the life of a degenerate wastrel was not without its good points. Particularly the debauchery.

  But upon returning from a long trip, there were certainly enough of life’s little details to keep even a non-functionary busy. There was his tailor to see, and the weapons master, and the horses to check on (Wendell, of course, had done the bulk of the work there, but the grooms were always flattered by a personal visit from the Prince). There were his tutors to be placated, the Chancellor of the Exchequer to approve his expenses, and his father’s secretary to see in order to arrange an audience for the two princesses. There was also, and this was unavoidable, his mission debriefing with Count Norville. Norville had left messages with all the maids, the breakfast cooks, and the stablehands, stating his desire that the Prince see him as quickly as possible. Charming had been putting him off. He did not relish explaining to the dour and calculating Count how a simple slay-and-rescue mission had grown into a quest of such complexity.

  Thus it was not until lunch that he got to meet with Ann and Aurora again. They were sitting at opposite ends of the dining-room table, eating finger sandwiches and cucumbers in sour cream. When he entered, Princess Aurora rose to her feet and gave him a hug. “Prince Charming, how nice to see you again. Did you have a pleasant sleep? I was so looking forward to having breakfast with you.”

  “Hello,” said Ann.

  “Hi Aurora. Hi Ann. Yeah, I’ve been running around all morning doing stuff. But I’ve got some good news. We go in to see Dad this afternoon. Two o’clock. He was supposed to meet with the town council about the schools. Or maybe it was the sewers. I forget which. Anyway, it got canceled. This is really a lucky break. Even I usually don’t get to see him on this short notice.”

  “Well, that is good news,” said Aurora. “I know we have plenty to discuss concerning the disposition of my kingdom.”

  “Well, leave me out of that. I’m not really into the political end of things.”

  “Has my stepmother obtained an appointment?” asked Ann.

  “Nope. She hasn’t even gotten in to see his executive secretary yet.”

  “That’s probably a good thing. If I can see the King first I might be able to defuse the explosion she’ll undoubtedly create.”

  “Here,” said Aurora. “You just sit right down here by me and have some lunch. While you’re eating you can tell me all about Illyria.”

  Ann speared a cucumber viciously with her fork. “Incidentally,” she said, “there is a Count Norville looking for you.”

  “I know. I don’t want to see him. If he comes around, tell him I’m not here.”

  “He said it’s about the slipper thing.”

  The Prince jumped to his feet. “What? Where is he? I’ve got to see him right now!”

  “Relax. He said he’ll be back in half an hour or so.”

  Charming hesitated, half standing up. Aurora put her arm around his shoulder and pulled him back down. “See, the quickest way to find him is just to wait here. Now tell me about Illyria. Is there a library here where I can find the articles of annexation for Alacia?”

  “What is the slipper thing?” said Ann.

  “I don’t think Alacia was annexed. I think it’s under some sort of protectorate. The slipper thing is… um, this girl lost her slipper at a ball and I’ve been trying to find her and give it back to her.”

  Ann looked at him dubiously. “That’s it? That’s the whole story? A girl lost a shoe?”

  “Uh, yeah. That’s it.”

  “Why doesn’t she just call on the castle and ask for it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, if she’s not worried about getting it back, why should you be?”

  “It’s just something I want to do, that’s all. If we don’t make an effort to keep on top of all the shoes people lose here, eventually the castle would be inundated with them.”

  “I see.”

  Aurora said, “Well, if he wants to return the slipper, I think that is very nice. The poor girl is probably wondering what happened to it.”

  Ann looked even more doubtful.

  Queen Ruby breezed in and Charming did a double take. The Wicked Queen was dressed in black again, but instead of her usual spiked heels and red lipstick, she was wearing flat sandals and pink lipstick. Her hair was tied back with a bit of pink ribbon. Ann stopped with a spoon halfway to her lips and stared at her.

  “Ann, my darling, how are you this morning? Did you sleep well? You look lovely.”

  “What?”

  “You know, as long as we are in Illyria, we should really get you some new clothes. They have the most wonderful shops here. Yo
u really should take more care about the way you dress, my dear.” She kissed Ann on the cheek.

  “What?”

  “And while we’re about it, we can have our hair done. And perhaps we’ll take tea in one of those adorable little sidewalk cafes. But not today, I’m afraid. Mandelbaum is taking me on a picnic. And while we’re out, he’s going to show me how to find these toadstools that have the most marvelous healing powers. I just know we’ll be able to use them back home. Oh, this must be your little friend Aurora. My dear, I’m so sorry to hear about the tragedy that befell you. If there’s anything I can do to make your transition easier, please don’t hesitate to call on me for help. Prince Charming, please convey my warmest regards to your father. Well, I must be off. I don’t want to keep dear Mandelbaum waiting.” And she breezed out again.

  “Gosh,” said Aurora. “Your stepmom is sure nice.”

  “What?” said Ann.

  “Wow,” said Charming. “I underestimated old Mandelbaum.”

  Count Norville entered the dining room followed by Wendell, who zipped around him and headed straight for the platter of sandwiches, taking one in each hand and stuffing a third into his mouth. Then he swallowed hastily and said politely, “Good day, Sire. Good day, Princess Aurora. Good day, Princess Ann.” With those obligations finished, he resumed eating at high speed.

  The Prince had his eyes fixed on Norville, but made a great show of cool disinterest. “Hello Norville. You wanted to see me?”