Redemption

by CaSandra McLaughlin

  “Tania, only you know if you have bitterness in your heart. You've got to ask yourself some questions. Are you still angry? Do you have resentment toward Mona?” Pastor Green said.

  “I forgave Mona a long time ago. I just don't want to deal with her.”

  “Tania, dear, that's not normal behavior. If you have truly forgiven her then being around her shouldn't bother you. I think you've put your guard up when it comes to her and you’re not willing to give her a chance to redeem herself,” First Lady Catherine chimed in.

  “I'm going to give you a list of Bible verses to study that will help you overcome bitterness. You've got to move forward and put the past behind you. The enemy wants you to dwell on these things. Dwelling on bad thoughts and holding on to those feelings can make you sick. It'll even make you have bad dreams.”

  Just hearing her pastor talk about how holding on to the past could affect her made Tania feel robbed. She wanted to be filled with joy, not sorrow.

  “Pastor, I had a dream last night about some things in the past and I woke up feeling horrible. The sense of dread began when I received Naomi's invitation.”

  “Why not just go to the wedding and be there for Naomi?” First Lady Catherine asked.

  “I really don't know if I can do that. I haven't been home in years.”

  “It's never too late to try to build a better relationship with your sisters. Even if it doesn't work, at least you'll be found doing the right thing.”

  “Catherine is right. God always honors what's right and if you're sincere, He'll see your efforts and bless you for doing what's right.”

  “Pastor and First Lady, thanks for your time and I truly appreciate y'all for speaking with me today,” Tania said, rising from the chair.

  “Tania, it's going to be ok, dear,” First Lady Catherine said and hugged her.

  “Let's pray before you go,” Pastor Green said.

  They all stood and held hands.

  “Lord, I come to you, thanking you for this beautiful day. Lord, I lift up Sister Tania to you this morning. It's my prayer, Lord, that you will remove any bitterness, or anger that she might have in her heart towards her sister. Lord, we know that old wounds hurt and if we hang on to the bitterness and don't get to the root of the problem, the bitterness will only grow. Lord, I rebuke the enemy's mind games that he's trying to play with her. Lord, give her the strength to overcome the past, strength to rebuild a relationship with her sisters and strength to hold on to your unchanging hand. It's in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”

  “Amen,” Tania and First Lady Catherine both said in unison.

  “Here's your list of scriptures. Reflect on them. Pray and if you need us, feel free to call us.”

  “Thanks so much, Pastor and First Lady.” Tania hugged them both and headed to the parking lot.

  She did feel somewhat better after speaking with her spiritual parents. She loved her church and she loved the fact that Pastor Green had an open-door policy so long as First Lady Green was present whenever females needed assistance.

  Tania laughed to herself as she started her car’s engine. She didn't blame First Lady Green for wanting to be present because Pastor Green was a very attractive man; he and the R & B singer, Babyface could've passed for twins.

  Tania decided to call Sabrina to see if she would join her. She pulled out her iPhone and dialed Sabrina's number.

  To her surprise, Sabrina, answered on the first ring. “Tania, girl, where were you after church? I looked all over the sanctuary for you.”

  “Sabrina, I needed to talk to Pastor. But anyway, I was calling to see if you felt like meeting me at Chili's.”

  “Girl, I love me some Chili's. When you wanna go?”

  “I'm on my way now, so can you meet me there in about 10 minutes?”

  “Ok, I'm headed that way now.”

  Tania pulled into the street and headed to Chili's while listening to Richard Smallwood and Vision sing “Total Praise.” That song always gave her chills and made her cry.

  Tania joined in. You are the source of my strength. She could feel God's presence as she sang all the way through to the point where she joined the choir singing Amen.

  Tears were streaming down Tania's face. She didn't realize that she was sitting at a green light until she heard a car horn blaring for her to go.

  She drove on through the light and went six more blocks to Chili's. When Tania pulled into the parking lot, she saw that Sabrina had already arrived and, once again, parked next to her friend’s car.

  Tania freshened up her makeup, grabbed her purse and went inside. She spotted Sabrina sitting in a booth in the corner.

  “Hey, girl. I ordered your favorite Blackberry Tea. It should be out shortly.”

  “Thanks, Sabrina.”

  “Ok, what's with the sour face?”

  “I don't have a sour face.”

  “Ummmmmm, yes you do. What's going on, Tania?”

  “Well, I talked to Pastor and First Lady about the situation with my sister and Pastor gave me some scriptures on bitterness and he prayed for me. I seriously don't want to have bitterness towards Mona.”

  “Well, the first step is recognizing that there's a problem, now you can work on it.” Sabrina gave Tania a reassuring smile.

  Tania sighed. “I thought I was over it, but I guess I'm not.”

  The waitress came and took their orders. They decided to do the two-for-twenty deal. Sabrina ordered the ribs and Tania ordered the Cajun pasta. They ordered the Texas cheese fries as an appetizer.

  “Tania, sometimes we think we're over something simply because we no longer have to deal with the issue, and I honestly believe that's what has happened to you.”

  “I don't know, Sabrina, maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to finally put this all behind me.”

  The food arrived and they ate in silence. Tania knew that Sabrina, as well as Pastor Green and First Lady Green were right. She needed to deal with her issues and finally have some real peace in her life.

  Chapter 8

  Mondays at the bookstore were always busy for Tania. She'd opened Books, Java and More about a year after moving to Uhl. Tania's grandmother on her dad's side had left her a nice size settlement. Despite the fact that her dad wasn't a huge part of her life, that didn't stop her grandmother from being there for her.

  Since Uhl didn't have a library, opening a bookstore was quite beneficial. Books, Java and More sold the latest books, greeting cards, and cool t-shirts. The store was Tania's pride and joy.

  There was a senior group who faithfully came to the bookstore every Monday and Tania and her assistant, Stacy, were bound to be swamped.

  Stacy and Tania met at church and became fast friends. Stacy was born and raised in Uhl. Stacy had a light complexion, and was a size six before getting pregnant with the baby who was due in three months.

  Tania wished she had Stacy’s perfectly proportioned, coke-bottle body. Tania was built like a pear. Small on the top but big on the bottom. Oh how she wished she could look half as good as Stacy did even now, being pregnant and all.

  “Morning,” Stacy said entering the bookstore.

  “Morning, Stacy, how was your weekend?”

  “It was ok, I got the opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest. Being pregnant is a job.”

  “I bet it is.” Tania laughed.

  “What did you do?”

  “The usual.”

  “Tania, that's awful. You need to start getting out more.” Stacy frowned.

  Although Tania knew what Stacy said was true, she didn't even have a potential boyfriend since her break up more than a year ago. Her last relationship lasted six months but ended when he made it painfully clear that he wasn't ready to commit. Tania broke up with him. Tania often dreamed of having a husband and three kids of her own, so she'd turned it over to God. Now, she was determined to wait on her Boaz.

  “Tania, are we serving any pastries today?” Stacy asked.

  “I need to go pick them
up.” Tania sighed.

  “What's going on with you? You seem a little distant.”

  “I'm ok, just got a lot on my mind, but it'll be ok.”

  “Are you sure?” Stacy hugged Tania.

  “I'll be ok,” Tania said, trying not to let the tears that were emerging from her eyes fall down her face.

  “Tania, why are you about to cry? What's really going on?”

  Tania let the tears flow and cried on Stacy's shoulder. She hadn't meant to cry; she was simply stressed.

  “Tania, girl, talk to me; you're scaring me,” Stacy said in a panic.

  “I'm sorry, Stacy, it's my sister, the wedding, everything.” Tania wailed.

  “Wait. Slow down and tell me what happened.” Stacy ushered Tania to the couch at the front of the bookstore. The store was due to open in the next hour.

  “I feel so silly; I'm sorry for crying on you.” Tania shied away.

  “You have no reason to feel silly with me; we're friends and I'm here for you, so tell me what's gong on,” Stacy encouraged her.

  Tania recounted her dilemma and ended with the most disturbing part, “Now, I’m even having nightmares.”

  “The reason it's rising up in your spirit is because you haven't dealt with the real issues. You've been running away from them, Tania.”

  “I prayed about it and left it in Sweet Lily,” Tania pointed out.

  “You may have been praying about it, but you haven't honestly dealt with it. You can't keep sweeping it under the rug like it doesn't exist. I think you should go home and redeem your sister.”

  “Oh my God you sound just like first lady, she said the same thing!” Tania was getting irritated by these people.

  “God redeemed us and forgave us for our many sins, so why is it so hard for you to forgive Mona?”

  “I have forgiven her,” Tania raised her voice.

  “True forgiveness won't make you react the way you're acting, Tania. You know I have to be honest with you. I think deep down inside you love your sister and you want a relationship with her, but you're just afraid that she'll continue to hurt you.”

  “I've learned to not have a relationship with her,” Tania admitted.

  “But why? She's your sister; you guys should be shopping, taking trips and all kinds of things. I wish my sister lived here and not in Korea. You're blessed and you don't even know it. What about your niece?”

  Tania hadn't even thought about Mona's daughter, Alexis. Leslie sent her a picture of Alexis and Tania printed it, framed it and put it on her desk in her office. Alexis was at least eight years old by now. She'd longed for a relationship with Alexis, since she didn't have any kids of her own, but didn't know how that would be possible since she and Mona weren't speaking.

  “Do you really want to live the rest of your life not having a relationship with your sister? It's like you've forgiven her, but you’re holding her in contempt, waiting for her to violate you again.

  “Tania, why are you allowing the enemy to win? Remember, it's a fixed fight and if you surrender and give it to God, you have the victory. Romans 8:37 tells us we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.”

  “Yeah, I remember that scripture,” Tania reluctantly admitted.

  “Do you really know what it means, Tania? To conquer is to be victorious over any and everything. Girl, that's enough to make me wanna shout,” Stacy said, and did a praise break dance.

  “Stacy, there's no music, no organ... what are you doing?”

  “Girl, you know it don't take much to get me started and I don't need no music to give God praise.” She finished her little two-step then returned her focus to Tania. “Sis, you're giving Mona a lot of power over you. You have to set yourself free; you have to take your power back. I am not trying to preach to you, girlfriend, I just want you to think about what I'm saying. Carrying a burden like this for years isn't chipping away at the peace Jesus gave you.”

  “I'm not carrying anything,” Tania said, trying to convince herself.

  “Look, Tania, I can't force you to do anything; I can only encourage you. I'm encouraging you to be honest with yourself, honest about your feelings and honest about whether or not you have really forgiven Mona. I know it's hard, I have been down this road before myself, with my mother. Believe me when I tell you, your spiritual growth depends on it.

  “We better get set up before everyone arrives,” Tania said.

  Stacy must have known not to go any further; she didn't want to push Tania. She followed suit.

  For the rest of the workday, Tania was in a blur. Her mind was cluttered with so many thoughts and Stacy's words stuck with her. Stacy was not only Tania's friend, she was also her accountability partner. When joining church, each new member was assigned a prayer partner and Tania was thankful that she had Stacy. They could talk about anything and she never had to worry about hearing it ever again and if she ever did something that didn't sit right with Stacy, she'd tell her in love.

  Tania left the bookstore, ready to go home, shower and drown her sorrows in a bowl of ice cream.

  The sounds of Jason Nelson singing “Way Maker” took her away from her thoughts of Mona. Worship music took her to another level, a place of safety and peace.

  Arriving home, Tania rushed to her bedroom and changed into something relaxing.

  Her home phone rang, which was rare; not very many people called her on the landline—just bill collectors and memory-stirrers from Sweet Lily. Both groups she wanted to avoid..

  “Hello, Tania. I've been trying to call you all morning,” Leslie said heaving.

  “What's going on, Leslie? Why didn't you call my cell?” Tania's heart raced.

  “I did. You must have been at church or something.”

  Tania realized Leslie was right—she had forgotten to turn it on after service. “What’s wrong?”

  “It's my mom, she's in ICU. She had a heart attack,” Leslie cried. “They’re not sure if she’s going to make it.”

  “Oh, God no, I'm...I'm... so sorry, Leslie.” Tania tried to hold back her tears.

  “Tania, I need you here with me. Can you please come?” her cousin begged. “You know what it’s like to lose...” her voice trailed off, as though she couldn’t even form the sentence.

  “Wait, wait. Where was she when she had the heart attack?” Tania asked.

  “Mama was on her way to take Mrs. Jordan, her next door neighbor, to the store and started having chest pains. Mrs. Jordan called the ambulance, because Mama was holding her chest, saying she couldn't breathe. I thank God she was there, because Mama could have died.” Leslie sobbed harder.

  “Leslie, don't say that. Aunt Jean is going to be ok,” Tania said, not really knowing if what she was saying was true or not.

  “Tania, please, please come home,” Leslie begged.

  Tania's heart began to beat like drum; her hands began to shake and her legs became weak. She sat down in a chair to gather herself.

  “Sure, I'll be there. I can leave in the next few minutes. Hang in there. God's still in control,” Tania heard herself say.

  “Thanks, Tania. I can't do this by myself.”

  “No worries, I'm on my way.”

  They ended the phone call and Tania rushed to her room and packed her suitcase. Her Aunt Jean helped raise her and had all but taken over raising Naomi. She had to be there for Aunt Jean and Leslie.

  This time, Tania had no choice in the matter of returning to her hometown.

  Tania rushed to the car, called Stacy and told her what was going on.

  “Don’t worry. I got the store,” Stacy assured her.

  With her business in good hands, Tania headed down I-20 toward Sweet Lily, taking a trip she'd hoped to never take again.

  Chapter 9

  Tania arrived in Sweet Lily and checked into The Hampton Inn. She could have stayed with Leslie, but opted to have her own space. She still hadn't digested the news about her Aunt Jean. She was running on pure adrenaline.

  Du
ring the trip down the highway, Tania had recalled the many times Aunt Jean had stepped in to make sure she and her sisters had what they needed when Mama was alive, and even more so when Mona got custody. They never went without. If Tania had been brave enough, she might have shared the heinous things Mona did and said, but Tania was always afraid of what Mona might do to her for “telling her business.” To the extent that Aunt Jean was informed, she did her best to help out.

  Tania knew that she needed to get herself together before going to the hospital. She didn’t want Aunt Jean to see the tear tracks on her cheeks. She wiped her face dry and sucked in a breath of deep air before entering the hospital.

  Sweet Lily Regional Hospital hadn't changed at all since the last time Tania was there. The hospital still had a stuffy smell, and the scent of bleach wreaked through the halls. The walls were covered with dingy wallpaper and supposedly uplifting pictures of various countries. Tania wished she were in one of those countries at the moment.

  She found the directory and rode the elevator up to the fifth floor to ICU. The walk down the narrow hallway creeped her out.

  Tania found the restroom, got a paper towel, wet it and dabbed her forehead. Things were happening so fast that she didn't prepare herself, so she bowed her head and prayed, asking God to heal her aunt and to give her the strength to accept whatever His will was.

  The nurses’ station informed Tania that her aunt was in room 541. Tania stood outside of that room for at least ten minutes before entering. She was fearful, and was trying to allow the words of 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind, register in her spirit. She took a few more deep breaths in, then knocked softly on the door.

  “Oh my God, Tania, I'm so glad you're here.” Leslie embraced Tania tightly.

  “How is she doing?” Tania asked as her voice cracked.

  “She's hanging in there. The doctor says the next few hours are critical.”

  “She's strong. She's going to be ok. Is she asleep?” Tania asked.

  Aunt Jean had tubes in her nose, a breathing mask on and an I.V. in her arm.