Neither Here Nor There

by Nikki Harmon

  “Hey, what would you wear? A dress, right? But what about Meer? Would she wear a dress or would she wear a tux? Ooh, she would look good in a tux!”

  “I have no idea, but you’re right, she would look good in a tux. She’s been so busy with basketball though, I doubt she would want to go. I don’t even think I would want to go.”

  Jen stops walking and looks at me. “Please. I want to go. I can find a date but I want you to go with me. I always planned on us going to prom on a double date, you know, sharing a limo, going out to IHOP afterwards … please, for me Kim.”

  I look at her and think about how she is about to be a mother, a grown-up. She’s right, this might be our last chance to hang out and have some fun.

  “Ok, I’ll go. I’ll see if Meer wants to go but I don’t make any promises. My mother is going to freak out!”

  “Eh, whatever, she can just go get drinks with my mom.” She puts her arm around me and kisses my cheek. “Thanks, Kim. This is going to be fun!”

  Chapter 15

  My mom did freak out. She refused to help with buying anything and was adamant that she would not be there to see me off. Then she went to church to go pray on it. Meer refused even to listen to the idea until I suggested her brother could go as Jen’s date. Even then I still had to beg and plead and promise to go with her to tour UConn … and to tutor her in algebra … and chemistry ... and to pay at IHOP afterward!

  Jen and I had everything we needed except dresses and a limo. But we had the internet. I discovered a group call Fairy Godmothers that donated prom dresses to needy girls (which we were) and we found two we liked at their makeshift store. We went to five thrift stores to look for shoes but we finally found them, too. The limo was harder but we got lucky. Jen had a cousin who had a best friend who worked for a funeral home. For $50 bucks and a carton of cigarettes, he agreed to drive us.

  Prom night is warm but humid after a week of rain. I pack up my stuff and haul it down to Jen’s house to get dressed with her. All those years she subscribed to Teen Vogue finally pay off and we manage to do a decent job putting on each other’s makeup. She helps me upbraid my short locks, I help her squeeze into her dress and we both groan inching on the hated pantyhose. My dress is a peach halter-top gown with a low-cut back. Jen’s lilac chiffon dress has an empire waist to hide her belly, though it doesn’t really.

  The limo comes at 7pm, and Meer and Quadir walk up to the door to get us. Meer looks sheepish in a tailored black dress with a tuxedo-like top. Quadir is his usual quiet self in a simple black tux. His earrings, goatee and tattooed neck speak for him. We are all awkward though. Jen and Quadir have only met once before, and Meer and I are super self-conscious being dressed up in dresses together. The only person who comes to see us off is our old friend Kendra and she is more excited than any of us. Although she got sent off to military school and we hardly ever see her anymore, Jen called her to take pictures and she showed up to do just that. After insisting on about 50 different poses, we are more than ready to go and Kendra relents after hugging and kissing each of us goodbye. I spy Jen’s mom watching through the window. I wave to her as I get in the limo, but she just wipes away tears.

  The prom is pretty fun. Jen, determined to have a last hurrah, dances all night long, keeps everyone laughing with her corny jokes and leads the soul train line three times! Some people stare at Meer and me and whisper, but most don’t seem to care. We dance alone a couple of times, but Jen and Quadir are never far away and we all seem to gravitate to each other anyway. The only time I am unsettled is when Savvy comes in with Nate, another STEM kid. He looks on top of the world, and she is stunning as usual. Later in the evening, she corners me at the punch table. I am relieved when a group of kids come over at the same time so I don’t have to deal with her alone.

  “Having fun?” she asks. “You look just beautiful. I really like your make-up.” She leans toward me and whispers, “that lipstick would look good on me.” I look up at her as she blows me a quick kiss, spins around and leaves.

  I am mad at my hands when they shake a little as I fill the little cups with punch. I walk back to Meer as fast as I dare in my high heels. She looks up at me when I get close and stands up, takes the cups and sets them down on the table. I realize at that moment that I love her.

  “What’s the matter?” she asks.

  “Nothing, I just … I’m just really happy, here with you tonight. You look beautiful and I’m just so happy we came together.” I reach for her hands and bring one up to my lips and kiss it. Startled, she laughs long and hard and pulls me to her for a bear hug. When we separate, she gives me a quick kiss on the lips then steers me onto the dance floor. I see Jen watching us as we pass by, smiling but wistful.

  On the dance floor, the DJ mixes in a slow song. We hesitate and begin to drift towards the tables but Quadir and Jen swoop in next to us and begin a long elaborate slow drag next to us. We can only laugh and rejoin them in a much more dignified two-step. I glimpse Savvy out of the corner of my eye but she seems engrossed in whatever Nate is saying so I turn my full attention back to Meer. She gazes at me with so much love and affection that I worry my heart will burst with happiness. It’s then that I decide that whatever happens, I want to be with her.

  Chapter 16

  A year later, Meer and I graduate from high school. I am, of course, valedictorian. My dream is to go to MIT. I get in but they only offer me a partial scholarship, not the full ride I need. If I had gotten into the NASA space camp, I might have had a chance, but I didn’t get in, Savvy and then Nate, did. My back up plan is to go to Temple University, live at home and try again next year. But then Meer is offered a basketball scholarship to UConn, which of course, she accepts. She asks me to come with her, and I, because I cannot imagine being without her, say yes.

  The day I leave home, my mother is relieved. I can tell in the way her shoulders relax even though she has my little sister on her hip and my little brother running circles around her. She kisses me good-bye on the cheek and hands me $50 for the road. As Big Walt drives me up I-95, I am freer, lighter with every mile between us. She won’t have to worry about being embarrassed by me or inconvenienced by me. I won’t have to worry about her disapproval and my guilt at being happy despite her. It’s better this way.

  College is everything I thought it would be and a bit more. Everything is new and exciting – the cafeteria and eating whatever I want all the time, the 24-hour library, the daily parties, and the sports culture. That last is quite a shock.

  What I think will be a cozy situation on campus is not that at all. Meer has basketball practices every day, sometimes twice a day, and classes and tutoring and media training and “etiquette” training. She tries to find time for me but it is rushed and fleeting. Sometimes I only see her at night … late at night and then we just go to sleep. Meer was told, in no uncertain terms, that players on the girls’ basketball teams were not “allowed” to have girlfriends. Of course, many of them did, but they had to be discreet about it. On the other hand, there are groupies, lots of “curious” girls turned on by these very popular goddesses of basketball under a very charismatic coach. Most of them have no hesitation whatsoever when it comes to flirting with the new players on the team. They are all about conquest. Our relationship becomes very lonely for me. Of course, I make friends with my hallmates and other kids in my major. I have a work-study job in a lab. I joined a womanist organization, the African-Americans in Science club and I take a dance class. But I came for Meer and Meer is nowhere to be found.

  ∆∆∆

  For Thanksgiving break, I stay at school to support Meer in a big game against Tennessee. They win a tight game and the team celebrates with a huge meal afterward that I am able to attend (as her “friend”). That weekend we go to the movies and out to dinner and hang out like old times. The campus is pretty empty for the holiday and at times, it’s like we are the only two people in the world, or at least the only two people who matter. I relax in the knowledge
that we are getting back to the way we used to be. I’m hopeful that everything will finally be alright.

  Two weeks later, I am passing by Meer’s dorm and decide to stop in to see if she wants to have dinner with me. She’s there, but not alone. I walk in and find myself speechless. Straddled on top of my girlfriend, one of the assistant team managers is topless and rubbing oil onto Meer’s back and rubbing her breasts over her as she slides her hands up and down. Meer moans with pleasure. I clear my throat. Adding insult to injury, I have to clear it twice to get their attention. Marie looks up at me with surprise but she doesn’t move. Meer opens one eye, sees me then hops up and dumps Marie to the floor.

  “Oh baby, it’s not what you think …” She comes towards me but I stare at her breasts and look at Marie half-naked on the floor. She follows my gaze and tries to cover up.

  “I pulled my back and Marie was trying to …”

  “Yeah, I can see what she’s doing. I just can’t believe that you are doing it too.”

  I turn and run out. I can’t stop my tears but I hold back my sobs while I run half-way across campus to my dorm room. Then I let go and wail for hours. The betrayal, the disappointment, and the demise of my first love are almost too much to bear. The tears eventually run out but the ache in my heart, the hollowness in my stomach, the swirling in my mind … that doesn’t go away for a long time. Meer calls and texts and tries to come see me but she is thwarted by her own schedule, my complete devastation and the efforts of my roommate Roxanne who protects me. She is also a science major on scholarship and understands the importance of finals. I don’t know why or how but she keeps me focused on school. I burrow myself in our room, eat when necessary, slip out to take my finals and drag myself to the end of the semester.

  I return home for the holidays and that helps. I want to stay in my bed and cry all day but I don’t. Maya is just starting to talk and Lil’ Walt is just starting to understand about Santa Claus and that there were toys coming for him. Their excitement and simple joys keep me out of my head and occupied enough. I try to call Jen but Jen left her baby with her mom in November and nobody knows where she is. Her mom receives cashier’s checks from her with no return address. Unwilling to leave the house, I watch Christmas movies nonstop and eat cookies.

  And then one night, Meer comes to my door and I fall apart all over again. We walk down to the familiar sofa in my basement and have that painful truth-telling talk where she confesses all her transgressions and betrayals and begs for understanding. Yes, she had slept with that girl but only once before they had been caught and then again after, because why not at that point? Yes, some groupies had pursued her since she arrived on campus, and yes, she had flirted with a few. And yes, she still loved me but no, she didn’t think she could be or wanted to be monogamous anymore. There was too much pressure on her and she couldn’t take the pressure of owing anyone anything else. Like her faithfulness, like her love. She didn’t want to owe that to “anyone” and that anyone was me. She cheated on me and broke up with me and blamed it on basketball. Ok.

  I cannot begin to give voice to all the accusations, anger, hurt, reminders, blaming, cursing and pain that I have inside. I roil with it. It’s stacking up in my chest, but I tamp it down. I will not yell here in my house. I will not scream and cry and rend my clothes in anguish. I feel indignation wrapped up in fury enclosed by sorrow. Regret is closing in on me in my rearview mirror but I can’t even look at it yet.

  “Ok.”

  “Ok?”

  “Ok, Meer. What else can I say? We’ve been together so long maybe it was crazy to think that it would last. I don’t even think I can cry anymore, I’m too sad for that. I just … I just want to wish you well and I let you go.”

  “What?” she asks.

  I speak louder. “I let you go.” I lift my palms up demonstrating that I hold nothing there.

  “Kim, I’ll always love you, ok?” She reaches for me but I turn her aside.

  “Go,” I say. She goes. I lie down on the floor and weep. I lay there until my mother comes and walks me upstairs. She gives me a sip of blackberry brandy and strokes my hair until I fall asleep in my bed.

  ∆∆∆

  A few days later I get a text about a holiday party hosted by the STEM club at my high school. They are inviting alumni back to share their college experiences. I am not interested in going. I happen to mention it to my mother and she makes me go. It is December 23 and I have not left the house in a week. I have not showered in a week. I have not done anything but play with the babies and when they take naps or go to bed, I watch TV or play Myst on the computer. Sometimes I sneak the brandy. She makes me take a shower, put on some clean clothes, tidy up my locks into a bun and go. She even gives me a tin of cookies to take.

  It is so cold outside! I breathe deep and puff out clouds of vapor. The air, sharp and brittle, stings my cheeks into numbness. A gust of icy air blows and sets the neighbor’s wind chime to tinkling. I start walking. Up and down the street Christmas lights glow and twinkle. I was going to take the bus, but the walk feels so good that I just keep going. Despite my heartbreak, life goes on; people haul packages; stores play Christmas music; and cars carry trees on top. By the time I reach the school, I am a little sweaty, a little out of breath and my feet are sore but I am lighter on them. I open the door and am greeted by yells of “Kim!” and “Merry Christmas” and “Welcome home stranger!” I smile and make my way around the room, dispensing hugs and hellos to almost everyone there. I am back with my tribe.

  I am sipping eggnog and talking with my AP Chemistry teacher about my coursework when the door opens again letting in a cold gust of air and Savvy. She is greeted with yells of “Savvy! And “Merry Christmas” and “Welcome back!” She, too, circles the room giving out hugs and kisses at random. She talks with the students she knows and gets introduced to those she doesn’t. I know she knows I am there. I am pretty sure she is saving me for last. I try to concentrate on my conversation, but I am just biding my time and waiting for my turn. When she reaches me and Mr. Conklin, she grasps his hands and kisses his cheek. She turns to me, exclaims, “Kim!” as though she is just seeing me and pulls me into a big bear hug. I squeeze her tight. Turns out I really did miss her and tears come to my eyes. When we pull apart she sees them and steers me into a private corner.

  “What’s the matter, Kim?” she asks with a frown.

  “I really don’t want to talk about it here. I’m really just trying to enjoy the evening, you know?”

  She looks at me for a minute. “Ok, I won’t push it. So, how’s UConn?”

  “Oh, it’s ok. Big campus, lots to do, it keeps me busy.”

  “MIT is as awesome as I thought it was going to be! I’m trying to get an internship this summer at Boeing where they manufacture some of the parts for the space shuttles. I think I can get into it if my “Interstellar Engineering” professor gives me a good recommendation.”

  “You have a class called “Interstellar Engineering??” I am awestruck.

  “Sure! And the work you and I did on the robots was actually really helpful. I simulated the propulsion system we devised for one of my projects and got an “A” on it.” She pauses. “What’s the matter, Kim? Don’t you like your courses?”

  “Yeah, but we don’t have anything like that,” I say. I am feeling kind of numb.

  “You know, I wish you had come to MIT. Don’t you? We have a little bit of unfinished business between us.”

  I take a moment and study her. She is still beautiful but she is not the girl I had fooled around with, she looks like a woman now, more self-assured and … smarter.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That was a long time ago and you’re probably still with Meer, right? She still a basketball star?”

  “Savvy!” We hear someone yell her name from across the room. She raises her hand and starts towards him. “I’ll see you later, alright. Let’s get together before we go back to school, ok?”

  I nod as
she moves away. I watch her for a minute then close my eyes. I am crashed by the wave of regret I had refused to look at, refused to acknowledge earlier. It fills me up, my body trembles with it, my head roars with it. And I allow myself to think the thoughts I had pushed away. I wish I had not gone to UConn. I wish I had not gotten involved with Meer. I wish I had pursued Savvy. I wish I had stuck with my plan. I wish I had left Meer. I wish I had followed Savvy to MIT. My head roars. I can’t stop thinking the thoughts, I am drowning under their combined weight and all of a sudden I am simultaneously pushed and pulled. I offer no resistance and go through. All is silent around me.

  Chapter 17

  I open my eyes and I’m in a bathroom stall … a school bathroom … my old high school bathroom. I wipe and pull up my pants. I walk out in a daze and go to wash my hands. In the mirror above the sink, I see I have on long crystal earrings and red lipstick. My hair looks freshly pressed and curled. I gaze into and past the glasses and into my eyes and feel disoriented. I hear a faint roar and think it’s the noisy ventilation system. I shake my head to clear the cobwebs and pull myself together. I’m at the STEM holiday party of course. It’s an annual tradition. I came with Savvy because we thought it would look good if two alumnae who attend the same university came together. We wanted to appear unified and like a good support network for anyone who was thinking of attending MIT. But it’s all a sham. We are neither good nor supportive, not any more anyway.

  I was just fifteen when cool, smart and gorgeous Savvy threw herself at me in her father’s garage. I was enraptured. And when she suggested that we could be “special friends”, I misunderstood and dropped the sweet and sincere but not as sophisticated girl who I was seeing. I thought Savvy wanted a relationship but soon found out that she just wanted to fool around with me … sometimes. That pretty much sucked, but we did fool around and without meaning to, we became friends. We even went to prom together. She went with Nate, another STEM club member and I went with my ex-boyfriend, Jackson. We all had a good time but what I remember the most was the sneaking off and making out when the boys were preoccupied with some prank. In hindsight, I think Savvy was into the thrill and danger of getting caught. I was just into her, however I could get it.