The Year I Became Isabella Anders

by Jessica Sorensen

"I would never let anything happen to you." He drapes his arm around my shoulders and I get a whiff of his whiskey breath. "Remember the cave?"

  It takes me a moment or two to sort through my beer-laced thoughts and figure out what he's talking about. Back when we hung out, we found this hollowed out tree that we nicknamed 'the cave', where nothing bad could ever happen to us.

  "When I'm in the cave, my sister Hannah and my mom can't see me," I said as I slid inside the hollow trunk. "And maybe my dad can."

  "When I'm in the cave, I get to be me," Kai said as he ducked in behind me. "No one else, including my mom or dad, can try to make me be anyone else."

  "And we have to promise never to tell anyone about this place." I hugged my knees to my chest to make room for his gangly legs.

  He bent awkwardly until he fit inside. "It's a deal."

  "Cross your heart." I traced an X across my heart. "Hope to die. Stick a needle in Hannah's eye."

  He laughed at me and sketched an X across his chest. "I promise."

  "I wonder if the tree's still there," I say with a trace of a smile.

  "It is," Kai assures me, averting his gaze from mine.

  "How do you know?"

  "Because I sometimes go there to think."

  "Really? That's . . . kind of nice, I guess."

  He shrugs, staring at the ground. "You should also know that I sometimes get high there too."

  I crinkle my nose. "So you do get high?"

  "Not for a while, but yeah, if we're totally being honest, I did it a handful of times over the summer."

  "But you seemed so irritated over people accusing you of doing drugs."

  "I was irritated." His jaw clenches. "I know it's not an excuse, but I was going through some shit, and it was the only way to clear my head."

  "Are you still going through some shit?" I blame the beer for asking the question.

  His lips part to answer, but the door swings open, and relief washes over his face as he turns away from me.

  "Kai, what's up, man?" A large guy wearing a backwards baseball cap, netted shorts, and a stained white shirt stands in the doorway with his fist extended toward Kai.

  Kai bumps knuckles with him. "Not much. Just came to see what's been going on."

  "Not a whole fucking lot," the guy replies, leaning against the doorway. "Business has been super fucking slow."

  "That sucks, man," Kai says. "But I might have a little bit of business for you."

  "Really?" The guy rubs his goatee. "What kind of business are we talking about?"

  Kai glances at me from the corner of his eye and the guy tracks his gaze. Even with the beer in my system, I still squirm as he scrutinizes me.

  "Who's your friend?" he asks Kai, giving a chin nod in my direction.

  I shyly wave back.

  "This is Isa." Kai drags his hand over his head, tugging off his knitted cap. He ruffles his fingers through his hair, causing the strands to go askew. "She's actually the one who's in need of your ever-so-awesome services."

  "Is that so?" he asks thoughtfully.

  I smile warily, unsure what to say. Kai hasn't even told me who this guy is or what his services are, and it feels like I have a bundle of crazed-out monkeys inside my tummy.

  "She cool?" he asks Kai, straightening his stance.

  "Yep. I'll even vouch for her," Kai says, crossing his arms.

  Okay, I don't care what he says. Kai is so in the mafia.

  The guy mulls it over a second or two then sticks out his hand toward me. "Isa, I'm Big Doug."

  "It's nice to meet you, Big Doug." I take his hand and shake it, hoping he doesn't lick me like Bradon did.

  "My pleasure. My pleasure." His hand dwarfs mine as he gives it a soft squeeze. Then he pulls away, moves back, and motions for us to come inside. "Welcome to my paradise."

  Big Doug's paradise consists of four brick walls, a floor cluttered with boxes, old candy wrappers, and soda cans, and a table covered in computer screens, wires, modems, and all sorts of electronic stuff I know I've never seen before.

  "Are you a hacker or something?" I don't mean to say it aloud, and I slap my hand over my mouth, worried I've crossed a line.

  Luckily, Big Doug seems fine with it. "Hacking's just one of my talents." He waddles over to the table, kicking trash out of the way. Facing us, he sits down on the edge of the table. "But the question is . . . what talent do you want? Because I got a lot. All cost money, of course. I take cash or credit, depending on how well I know you."

  My gaze slides to Kai and he shrugs, like what? I want to ask him so many questions, starting with how he knows a hacker, but I'm not about to ask in front of Big Doug.

  "Just put it on my tab." Kai places a hand on the small of my back, trying to reassure me. "You know I'm good for it."

  Tab? Huh?

  "Oh, okay. I didn't realize this was your thing." Big Doug stares at me just long enough to make me squirm then he fastens his attention on Kai. "So what's the job?"

  Kai retrieves my birth certificate from his pocket and hands it over, giving Big Doug a quick explanation of what's been going on.

  "I was hoping you could take a look at the certificate and see if it's a fake or not," Kai says when he's finished explaining about my mom. "And if it is, I was hoping you'd have a couple of ideas on how to track her mom down."

  Big Doug fiddles with the corner of the certificate. "All you know is her name's Bella?" he asks, and Kai nods. "And your father's name is Henry Anders, right?" This time, he directs his question at me.

  I nod, crossing my fingers he'll do this. This may be illegal, but it still seems way less terrifying than asking my dad.

  "I have one question before I agree to do this," Big Doug says to me. "Why not just ask your dad who she is?"

  "Because he doesn't want me to know who she is, for some reason," I explain. "I didn't even know about her up until a few months ago."

  "Are you even sure she's alive?" he asks, setting the certificate down on the table beside one of the computers.

  I shake my head, folding my arm around my stomach as my gut twists into knots. "I don't know anything other than I lived with her for the first few years of my life before I went to live with my dad . . . and her name is Bella."

  He bobs his head up and down. "Okay, give me a couple of weeks, and I'll see what I can come up with."

  "Thanks, man," Kai says, sticking out his fist again.

  The two of them bump knuckles again then Kai and I head out the door. I don't say anything else until we've reached the back patio. The guys that were there earlier have abandoned the lawn chairs and the entire area is quiet.

  "Okay, what the hell was that?" I spin to face Kai, spreading my arms out to the side.

  "What do you 'mean what the hell was that'?" Kai stares up at the stars. "That was me helping you out."

  "That was some sketchy stuff. And how do you even know Big Doug?"

  "I met him through Bradon. Did a little work for him a while back." He's still transfixed by the stars, so I pinch his arm to get him to look at me. "Ow." He chuckles, meeting my gaze as he laughs. "What was that for?"

  "I just want to know that you're not going to get into trouble for that," I say, putting my hands on my hips.

  "Why would I get in trouble? Big Doug's the one doing all the work." He reaches forward and slips his fingers through mine, moving my hand away from my hip. "Now let's go inside and celebrate."

  "Celebrate what?" I stare at our interlaced hands, confused over why he keeps touching me and why I feel comfortable with it.

  "That in a week, you'll know who your mom is." He pulls me toward the door.

  I let him steer me back inside, crossing my fingers that he's right and that Big Doug will be able to find my mom.

  But what I really hope is that she'll be alive when I do find her.

  TWO SHOTS AND a beer later, I'm headed outside to wait for Indigo to come pick mine and Kai's sorry drunk asses up.

  "You feeling better about
going to school now?" Kai asks me as we reach the curb.

  He spent the last three hours introducing me to everyone. While I don't have anyone I'd call my best friend, I do feel better about going to school. And no one brought up the mental institution thing, so I'm guessing they've all forgotten about that rumor.

  "Yeah, thanks for introducing me to so many people," I say through a yawn.

  "I feel bad I didn't do it sooner," he says.

  "I don't blame you. It's not like I'm the kind of person everyone wants to get to know. I'm too weird, and hardly anyone gets me."

  "Isa, you're ridiculously freakin' awesome. Everyone who gets to know you is lucky."

  "You're sweet when you're drunk," I tease with a nudge of my elbow.

  "I'm always sweet when I'm around you, baby." He giggles.

  I giggle too. "You're a cheesy drunk." I yawn again and lean against Kai, my eyelids feeling heavy. "I shouldn't have drank so much."

  "Just focus on that firefly over there." He points across the street at a glowing light. "It makes it easier to keep your eyes open."

  I giggle again. "Kai, that's not a firefly. That's a porch light."

  He leans all of his weight against me, nearly making me topple to the ground. "Hold me up, or I'm going to fall."

  "You're a guy," I whine, digging my feet into the ground to support his weight. "You're supposed to hold me up."

  "That's very sexist of you, Isa." He tsks, waving his finger at me. "I'm so disappointed."

  I shake my head, but a smile tickles at my lips. "Jesus, you're a handful."

  "I know." He sighs tiredly. "If only I were like Kyler, then life would be so much easier for me and everyone around me."

  My muscles ravel into knots as I stiffen, sensing a drunken talk coming. You know the kind, where you yammer and pour your heart out with someone then when you sober up you have an oh-God-what-have-I-done moment.

  "Kai, you're a good guy, no matter what you think."

  "Yeah, tell that to my parents. Or my grandparents. Everyone in the entire Meyers family."

  "Parents can suck, but that doesn't mean you have to believe everything they try to stick in your head. You're free to think whatever you want about yourself. Trust me."

  "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew everything I did. I'm not a good person. I've done so much fucked up stuff."

  "Everyone's done fucked up stuff," I say, shutting my eyes. I wonder what he's done. Why he thinks he's so bad. "It doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to forgive yourself."

  "Easier said than done." He yawns, sinking to the ground and clumsily pulling me with him.

  I trip over his feet and his fingers delve into my skin as he tries to stop me from falling. But we end up going down hard and landing in the grass in a tangle of legs and arms.

  "Kai, you're the clumsiest drunk ever!" I laugh, trying to push him off me.

  "Don't lie. I'm the funniest drunk ever." He laughs . . . well, more like drunkenly giggles, as he rolls off me and onto his back. "And you're the cutest drunk ever."

  "I so am not." I lie down with him so our heads, arms, and legs are touching. I look up at the stars twinkling in the sky, like handfuls of magic pixie dust. "And you wouldn't be saying that if you saw some of the stuff I did when I was in Scotland."

  "Enlighten me then." He tucks his arm under his head then looks at me.

  "No way." I keep my eyes on the stars.

  "Come on, just one tiny thing, and then I'll let it go."

  "Yeah, right. I'm learning you're the kind of person who doesn't just let things go."

  "That does kind of sound like me," he agrees then reaches over and tickles my side.

  "Kai!" I erupt in a fit of giggles. "Stop with the tickling!"

  "No way." His hands travel downward to the bottom of my shirt and his sneaky little fingers dip under the fabric. He tickles me on my bare stomach, which feels ten times worse, yet somehow ten times better. "It's too much fun watching you laugh."

  "You're evil!"

  "I know. You're the hero and I'm the villain, right?"

  "Yep! But you'll never win." I flip onto my stomach, ungracefully push to my feet, and skitter away from him.

  He stands up too, although it takes him a few attempts to get his feet under him. Then he moves for me with his hands up, but grinds to a halt as a group of older guys stroll across the grass toward us.

  "Hey, Kai, how's it going, man?" one guy asks, and not in a friendly kind of way.

  Kai tenses by my side. "T, what's up? I didn't know you were going to be here."

  "Of course I'd be here. There's no way I was going to miss a chance to pay a visit to my friend." He says friend like it's a foul word.

  I squint through the dark, trying to see what the guy looks like, but I've got my drunk beer goggles on.

  "Who's this?" T asks Kai, smiling in my direction.

  Kai grabs my arm and pulls me behind him. "What do you want?"

  "I just wanted to pay you a visit," T says. "Make sure you haven't forgotten the deal."

  "I haven't," Kai replies through gritted teeth.

  Before anyone can say anything else, a car stops in the middle of the road and beeps the horn several times. I'm so relieved to see her. Not just because I missed her, but because this T guy is giving me the heebie-jeebies.

  "That's Indigo." I grab Kai's hand before I step off the curb, mostly because I'm worried he's going to fall.

  "I'll be in touch," T calls out to Kai as I open the back door of the car.

  "Who was that?" I ask as I help Kai get into the backseat.

  "Just some dude who thinks he's the shit," he says tightly.

  I know there's more to the story, but now's not the time to press him, especially with T still watching us.

  I shut the door and slide into the passenger seat.

  "Having fun?" Indigo asks with an insinuating smirk. She has on her pajamas, her hair is braided back, and she's wearing her square-framed reading glasses.

  I buckle my seatbelt and tell Kai to put on his. "It was just a party. No biggie."

  "Sure it wasn't." Indigo shifts the car and drives forward, glancing in the rearview mirror at the backseat. "So you're Kai, huh?"

  Kai, who seems to have gotten a second burst of energy, scoots forward in the seat and rests his arms on the console. "Yep, the one and only. But the question is how did you know that?" He eyes her over suspiciously.

  "Isa told me about you," she says, pulling out onto the main road. "And I saw some of your texts you sent her while we were on our trip."

  As his gaze glides to me, he props his elbow onto the console and rests his chin on his hand. "You've been telling people about me, huh?"

  "Don't get too excited. I just told her about my annoying next door neighbor; that's all." I blast Indigo with a warning look, silently begging her to keep quiet.

  "I'm not lying for you." She laughs as she reaches for the knob on the stereo. "So don't look at me like that."

  A lazy grin expands across Kai's face. "So what have you been saying about me? I want to know."

  "I'm sure you do." I slip off my boots and prop my feet onto the dash, wiggling my toes.

  He sticks out his bottom lip and flutters his eyelashes at me. "Pretty please?"

  I shake my head. "No way."

  "Oh, come on." He pouts. "Most girls fall for that look all the time."

  "Ah-ha! I knew you did that look on purpose to try to get your way." I point at him. "But it's not going to work on me, because I'm not like most girls."

  "I know you're not." He turns dead serious. "And that's such a good thing. Seriously. We should hang out all the time. It's just too much fun with you."

  "Isa, he's totally adorable." Indigo practically swoons in her seat.

  "Hey, what a freakishly awesome coincidence," Kai says, sitting up straight. "My friend calls you adorable. Yours calls me adorable. We should be adorable together."

  "Aw," Indigo says, pressing her hand to her
heart.

  "Don't aw anything he says," I tell her. "He doesn't even know what he's saying. He's too drunk."

  "I am not." But his eyelids start to drift shut, validating my point.

  "I don't care if he's drunk or not. He's a cutie, Isa." She slows down for a stop sign and twists the stereo knob, surfing through the stations.

  I peek back at Kai, who's dozing off, his head tipped back, and he's making this funny bubbling noise with his lips. He looks like a goof, but . . ."Okay, he's a little bit cute, but in a goofy way."

  "So are you." She smiles at me. "But that's why I love you."

  Kai suddenly wakes up, bounces forward, and slams his hand against the console. "Holy crap. Turn this shit up!"

  Indigo leaves the radio on the station and cranks up the volume. A pop song I'm vaguely familiar with flows through the speakers and the bass booms. Kai and Indigo start singing, bobbing their heads, and shimmying their shoulders.

  "Well, at least you two share the same taste in bad music!" I laugh, because they look ridiculous, and I love them for it.

  "Isa's kind of a music snob," Kai remarks between lyrics.

  "Don't let her fool you," Indigo says then belts out more lyrics as she drives through the intersection. "She knows this song." She reaches over and pinches my side. "Come on, Isa, sing it." When I shake my head, she pinches me again. "Do it. Do it."

  Kai chants with her until finally I throw up my hands, surrendering. "Fine! But only because I can't take the peer pressure."

  The three of us sing and dance together, creating a sound that kind of resembles a herd of dying cats. By the time the song is finished, Kai is passed out in the backseat.

  "I'm really glad you called me tonight," Indigo says as she steers the car through the sleepy town of Sunnyvale and toward my subdivision.

  "I promised you I'd never drink and drive or get into a car with someone who has been drinking," I say, resting my head back against the seat.

  "That's not the only reason I'm glad." She flips the blinker on and changes lanes. "I tried to call you tonight. I have something I need to tell you."

  I take out my phone from my pocket. "The battery's dead." I tuck the phone away then rotate in the seat. "What's up?"

  "I found this box while I was going through some of Grandma Stephy's old stuff," she says as she pulls into my driveway. All the lights in the house are off, which hopefully means Hannah isn't home. "There was a box with your dad's name on it, and I think I found something you might want." After she pushes the shifter into park, she opens the console, takes out a crinkled photo, and hands it to me.