The Valley of Lost Stories

by Vanessa McCausland

  Alexandra turned and walked towards the hotel. Nathalie realised Emmie was still gripping her hand.

  CHAPTER 45

  Alexandra

  Alexandra found Macie in the kitchen scraping plates into a compost bin. She was dressed in one of her signature silk robes, a deep red, rolled up at the sleeves. Under the harsh industrial lights, she could see the tideline of Macie’s foundation at her jaw and this small vulnerability made Alexandra’s heart squeeze with pity.

  Had she misjudged Macie? Surely not. She felt defensive of her, especially given everything Macie had been through. She’d been tempted to tell the others about the bullying Macie had endured at school, that it was happening all over again, but the shame of her part in it was too great. And now to discover the poor thing had lost her son in a tragic accident. The spike of pity intensified as she watched Macie stack plates into the industrial dishwasher.

  Nathalie was clearly having some kind of breakdown to accuse Macie of these things. And Emmie was just a follower. It was obvious she was in Nathalie’s thrall. She should have smelled the whiff of desperation coming off her in the school hall that first day they’d all met. And posting all of those pictures without asking – she’d practically stolen Nathalie’s identity.

  Alexandra couldn’t ignore the unease that wormed inside her. She couldn’t help feeling that the friendship tables were turning. There had always been an unspoken bond between herself and Nathalie. That they were best friends. But who didn’t tell their closest female friend about their husband cheating? It smarted. Alexandra would never keep such a thing from Nathalie. And the Caleb thing was just a bit off. He was a lonely young man. They could all see that. Sure, he was intelligent and attractive, but really? She couldn’t believe Nathalie was the same person she’d known for years.

  ‘Are you going to help me with these pots and pans or just stand there?’ Macie’s voice snapped Alexandra into the present.

  ‘Oh, sorry. Yes, of course. What can I do? Thank you for another lovely dinner.’

  ‘Caleb’s in a mood so it looks like I’ll be cleaning up tonight.’ Macie pulled on a pair of washing-up gloves and handed Alexandra a tea towel. ‘You can dry. I see the others aren’t going to chip in. Nathalie’s got the drama queen act down pat, I see.’

  ‘Macie, I’m so sorry. You’ve been doing everything. Looking after the kids, cooking. Putting up with us all in circumstances no one could have anticipated–’

  Macie sighed. ‘So, Alexandra, are we going to talk honestly after all these years?’ Macie straightened at the sink but didn’t turn around.

  Alexandra wrung the tea towel in her hands, her heartbeat fast. Macie turned and under the harsh light their eyes met. It felt like a bolt of electricity.

  ‘You mean school?’ She hated how desperate her voice sounded.

  ‘Because if we are, I need a cigarette.’ Macie pulled off the gloves and tossed them into the sink. She grabbed a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from a kitchen drawer and walked outside without looking back. The screen door banged behind her. Alexandra was left standing there. She felt stuck to the spot. She wanted to go back into the dining room and find her boys, take them upstairs and climb into bed with them. Smell the small comfort of their tired little bodies. Forget Macie. Forget all the drama of the past few days. Go back to how things were. Even Maxwell was a comforting thought right now. But she owed Macie this. Disquiet leaked through her.

  She crossed the bright kitchen and stepped into the night. It was always a shock how dark it was in the country. She smelled the cigarette smoke before she saw her. Sitting on the low brick wall that encircled the back of the hotel, as though it could somehow, absurdly, keep out the encroaching bush. Crickets sang and a cool breeze combed the trees. The cliffs loomed behind them. Listening, bearing silent witness.

  ‘So, are you going to finally pay me back then, after all these years?’

  Alexandra stopped a few steps away from Macie. She felt glued to the spot. ‘Pay you back?’ she asked, hoping she didn’t sound as breathless as she felt.

  ‘I know Nathalie will have told you. I can see it on your face. And that’s what the drama queen act was about earlier. That woman always has to be the centre of attention. As though being beautiful and having three gorgeous children isn’t enough. Oh, and a younger lover who’s smitten by her.’ Macie took a long drag of her cigarette and offered it to Alexandra.

  Alexandra took it but shook her head, trying to untangle her thoughts, her feelings. ‘I defended you. She’s talking about you putting something in her wine at the picnic for the kids, blackmailing her about Caleb.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s absurd.’

  Macie laughed. ‘Hmm, yes, imagine all the things that have been put in Nathalie’s wine over the years. Not the wine itself mind you that makes her sick. Couldn’t possibly be that.’

  Alexandra felt conflict wrench through her, and she bit her lip until she tasted blood. Part of her knew Macie was right, the other part wanted to defend Nathalie.

  ‘If you’re not going to smoke that I’ll have it back.’

  Alexandra took a drag and handed her the cigarette.

  ‘But I think we both know that other women have never particularly liked me. It’s a fact of life I’ve become quite used to as I’ve matured. It helps if you have a hotel in the middle of a valley to escape to and art to pour your soul into.’

  ‘No, Macie. I like you.’ The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

  Macie took another long drag on her cigarette and the only sound was the high hum of crickets. ‘You do? Because it’s funny, I always thought you did. But then the way you treated me . . . It was confusing.’

  Alexandra felt heat rush to her face. She was glad of the darkness and she pressed cool hands to the back of her neck. She wanted the dark to swallow her up. She wanted to run, to hide, but she couldn’t. She realised everything had been leading up to this point. How had she thought that this conversation would play out?

  ‘I was young, Macie. We both were. I’m so sorry. It’s just . . . it was peer pressure. Being different, you know how it is.’

  ‘Oh, I know how it is, but do you, Alexandra? Really? Because you are different. And so am I. It’s just that I can own it. You, on the other hand. Does your husband even have an inkling?’

  Alexandra’s mouth went dry. Her whole body was consumed by a thick dread. A bird cried mournfully into the night. She felt the wetness on her cheeks before she knew she was crying. ‘No. No, he doesn’t. We don’t really . . . things haven’t been good for years. Macie, I’m sorry. I wasn’t prepared to have such strong feelings. At such a young age.’

  ‘You abandoned me. You left me to the wolves. Not only that, you led the wolves. You incited them to devour me.’

  Alexandra was crying. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was too weak. I couldn’t face the strength of my own feelings. I didn’t understand them. I was ashamed.’

  ‘We had something. You know we did. I remember. And then the person who really saw me destroyed me.’

  ‘I thought it didn’t mean anything. I told myself it was a schoolgirl crush. But it wasn’t. I know it wasn’t. I punished you for the power you had over me. I’m sorry.’

  ‘You shaped the course of my life, Alexandra. When I met Drew, I was broken from you. Nineteen. So young. Too young to become a mother. But Jacob was the love of my life. He gave me purpose. To see that I wasn’t a useless piece of shit after all. That I could make a little baby and look after him.’ She laughed darkly. ‘Except that I couldn’t in the end.’

  Alexandra stepped towards Macie. ‘I’m so sorry. About what happened. I had no idea.’

  ‘Yes, platitudes. That’s all there is left. I’ve lived a lifetime of platitudes. What do they do? What do they change? Nothing. They just make the person saying them feel better.’

  Alexandra couldn’t stand up anymore. Her legs were shaking, so she sank onto the wall next to Macie. She felt strangely light-headed. She face
d the other woman. ‘I don’t blame myself for not being able to face my sexuality. But I do blame myself for my cruelty. That was unacceptable. That has haunted me.’

  ‘Cruelty. What is cruelty?’ mused Macie, standing up, stubbing her cigarette out. ‘Life is cruelty. Cruelty is life. It’s all one and the same. It’s survival of the fittest.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ Her words were a whisper.

  ‘You keep saying that. I’ve forgiven you, Alexandra. Why else would I have invited you and your friends here? But I could see you were bearing a heavy burden. Now you’re free of it. As free as any of us can be.’

  Macie began walking back towards the kitchen door. Alexandra realised she didn’t want her to go but she didn’t have the strength to call out. She wanted to talk things through. Make things better in the soft, safe cocoon of night. She got up on unsteady legs and followed Macie inside. The light was an assault. Macie wasn’t in the kitchen. She pushed open the swinging door to find her in the dining room. The children were gone. Nathalie and Emmie must have rounded them up for bed. Macie was at the coffee and tea station, pouring boiling water from an urn into a teapot.

  ‘There’s some leftover lemon cake in the fridge. Can you get that and some more milk, please? Mike doesn’t like the light stuff we all drink,’ said Macie, arranging teacups on a tray.

  Alexandra’s chest tightened. ‘You’re not going to tell him, are you? About Nathalie and Caleb? Please don’t.’

  ‘Maybe you should tell him, Alexandra. You seem to have a knack for telling people’s secrets.’

  Alexandra’s stomach turned and she felt nausea wash over her. ‘Macie, it’s not up to you. They’re obviously having lots of problems in their marriage. Let them work it out.’

  Macie straightened and passed Alexandra the tea tray. ‘You’re right. You should tell him.’

  Alexandra put down the tray, a cold dread running through her. ‘Macie, what on earth is going on here? Is this all a game to you?’

  ‘You should know. You know all about playing games with people.’

  Macie turned and walked into the kitchen. She emerged with a plate of cake and a bottle of milk, which she poured carefully into a jug. She picked up the tray.

  ‘Please don’t.’ Alexandra hated the strangled sound of her voice.

  Macie fixed her with a cold stare. ‘You should try the lemon cake, Alexandra. I’ve always had such a fondness for lemons.’

  Alexandra felt her face, her neck flush. Macie had not forgotten those schoolyard lemon taunts. How could she have treated Macie so cruelly? She had no words. She followed Macie as she walked into the lounge, feeling numb, guilty, confused. Mike was sitting on the lounge flicking through a newspaper. Macie placed the tray in front of him.

  ‘You take milk in your tea, don’t you, Mike?’

  He looked up. ‘Thanks, yep, I do. Great service here.’ He winked.

  Alexandra felt the muscles in her neck relax a little as Macie poured his tea in silence. She brushed past Alexandra on her way out and Alexandra’s body collapsed in relief.

  Macie turned at the door. ‘Oh Mike, you might want to check in on that gorgeous wife of yours. Ask her to tell you about Caleb and what happened in his cave. It sounds intriguing, doesn’t it? It might go a way to explaining her dramatic behaviour of late.’

  Mike’s face was blank, but when his eyes met Alexandra’s, a horrible understanding flashed in them.

  CHAPTER 46

  Nathalie

  ‘He’s a fucking child!’ Mike spat the words and Nathalie felt the warm spittle hit her face.

  Rage coursed through her, hot and ripe. ‘That’s what you’re focusing on? His age?’ She hissed the words, whispered them over their children’s sleeping bodies. The hotel room felt too small, too close, too full of him. His sweat, his anger, his revulsion. She could smell it in the air, and she couldn’t breathe.

  ‘Oh, believe me, there are plenty of other things I could focus on. We’re just getting to those.’ His voice boomed and she hushed him.

  ‘Shhh, you’ll wake them.’

  ‘Oh, and now you’re thinking of our kids.’

  The anger intensified but she wordlessly pulled him by the arm until they were outside the room. In the dark hall their footsteps echoed loudly. She made for the small second-floor balcony off the hallway. The air outside was cool, and she was glad of its effect on her skin. She drank it in. The stars burned above, and the cliffs stood silent. She took a breath and turned to face him.

  ‘Does that somehow make it worse for you, Mike? That he’s younger than me? What, it’s okay for you to cheat with a younger woman, but it’s not okay for me to have sex with a younger man, is that it? Well, Ruby’s a fucking child, too.’

  Mike ran his hands down his face, which was shiny with sweat. She could smell it. Even in the dark she could see his face was contorted with hurt and it twisted something deep inside her. She still felt something for him, even after all of this.

  ‘I thought we were getting things back on track, Nat. All those hours with that stuck-up bloody counsellor. I thought we were better than ever. Missing you, coming here, it felt like a new start.’

  ‘I’m a drunk, Mike. Did you happen to notice that? I haven’t been coping. Not for a long time. That’s what alcoholics do. They numb their pain. It broke me, what you did to me. What you did to our family. It absolutely broke me.’

  ‘Oh, so it’s my fault, your drinking?’

  She let out a dark laugh. ‘It sure didn’t help.’

  ‘So, you thought you’d just have a bit of revenge sex to add to the charming picture, is that it?’

  ‘Is that what you think this is?’

  ‘Isn’t it?’

  Nathalie shrugged. ‘Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve been so fricking confused, hurt, abandoned, tired. So damn tired, that I’ve been in a dream for months. A really shitty, bad dream.’

  ‘Does it mean anything this thing with . . . what’s his name?’

  ‘Caleb. His name is Caleb.’ She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. ‘I don’t know Mike, did yours mean anything with Ruby?’

  The name hovered between them.

  ‘It sounds to me like this was just a revenge fuck.’

  Nathalie laughed. ‘All you’re talking about is the sex. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? It’s feeling connected to someone else. Feeling heard and seen. It’s feeling something. Anything other than hurt and rejection and numbness.’

  ‘You didn’t have to stay with me after the Ruby stuff. It was your choice to stay.’

  Nathalie felt as though she’d been punched in the gut, right down low, low the way she’d carried all her babies. She gasped, a roaring intake of breath. ‘It was my choice, was it?’ She nodded, laughed softly, disbelieving. She wiped her hands down her face and looked up at the dark cliffs, drank in their huge, dark strength. ‘What choice did I have, Mike? To leave you and be alone with a newborn baby and two small children? To have no security. No job prospects. To lose my home?’

  ‘You paint yourself as the victim, but you haven’t been innocent in all of this. We used to talk. We used to connect. What happened, Nat?’

  ‘Children fricking happened, Mike. Sleep deprivation happened but you couldn’t ride it out, could you? No, your wife wasn’t putting out, wasn’t as available emotionally because she was so exhausted, so spent and stretched, so you decided to go and get a bit on the side.’

  ‘You don’t get to judge me anymore. You gave that up when you left our children in a strange hotel and went to a bloody cave to screw a 20-something. Were you drunk? Oh, silly question.’

  Nathalie hung her head.

  ‘I think you know that our children aren’t in the best care when they’re with you.’

  She snapped her head up. ‘What? Don’t you dare say that.’

  ‘Did you even tell anyone where you were going?’

  ‘The girls were here with the other mums. That’s what women do. We look out for each o
ther. We have each other’s backs. We care for each other’s kids. Without even having to ask.’

  ‘You know what your problem is, Nathalie? No one ever tells you how it is. Not me, not your friends. But I’m telling you now. My children aren’t safe with you. I knew the situation wasn’t ideal with your drinking, but now I really know what you’re capable of.’

  ‘What I’m capable of? I’ll tell you what I’m damn well capable of. Keeping three little people alive and well, day after day, even while my spirit is breaking. Even when I’m so lonely I feel like I’m in a black void. Even when I’m too tired to keep my eyes open. And yes, even after a few glasses of wine.’

  ‘I don’t think the court would see it that way.’

  ‘The court? Don’t you dare.’

  ‘You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore. You don’t get to be the martyr and the victim.’ Mike pushed the heavy door and disappeared into the hall. Nathalie stood there, shocked, unable to move. Then she felt adrenaline kick through her, and she ran after him. He was throwing clothes into his bag in the room.

  ‘You’ll wake them,’ she hissed, touching his arm. He shrugged her off violently.

  Sim and Findlay stirred. ‘What’s happening, Mummy?’ asked Findlay, her eyes wide.

  ‘It’s okay darling, back to sleep,’ she soothed.

  Richie began to cry softly in the travel cot. Both girls sat up, rubbing their eyes, their hair over their faces.

  Mike slung his bag over his shoulder, grabbed his keys off the dresser. ‘Get dressed girls, we’re going home.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Mike. It’s the middle of the night.’ She curled her body around her girls on the bed.

  ‘This is happening, Nathalie. I’m taking my children. They’re not safe with you.’