Game Changer (Hell's Saints Motorcycle Club)

by Marinaro, Paula

  Teary eyed, I eased myself into the deep Adirondack chair letting the wind dry my hair and the sun shine on my face. It took a couple of hours but I was able to calm myself. Finally, finally I began to lose that numbing, sick beaten up feeling. I reached into my pocket and found the silver harmonica that was never far from my side and played a long mournful tune.

  My thoughts wrapped around me like they always did when I played my harp. They took me back to a time when everything that was wrong had turned out right. At least for a while.

  Chapter 9

  I was sitting on the dirty floor of our living room, trying to untangle Claire’s hair. It was early evening and our father hadn’t been home in two days. I heard a loud bang as someone came busting through our back door.

  I looked up to see Prosper walking quickly through the house stopping only when his eyes fell on us. He ran to me and wrapped his big hands around my face, then stood me up and turned me around twice looking me over. I watched as he did the same to Claire. He nodded at us and gave me a look that was trying to be smile. Then he turned taking to the stairs three at a time. We heard banging and doors slamming. Then he was back holding our two little backpacks overflowing with clothes. Prosper had bent down close and folded both of us in his big strong arms. Without even bothering to close the door behind us, he took my baby sister and I out of there.

  We rode in that car for a long time and watched as dusk turned into night. He drove and drove and all that time he never said a word. I held Claire’s little hand tightly in mine, but really we were not afraid. Dusk had turned into night when we finally turned off of the highway onto a dirt road. Claire had fallen into a deep sleep and I shifted her to lie on my lap, the warmth of her little body comforting me. At the end of the road was a big rustic cabin with lights shining brightly from every window. The door slammed behind Pinky and she was in the driveway even before Prosper came to a complete stop. She fell on him the minute he was out of the van. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but whatever it was had calmed her. Then I watched as they both approached the van.

  Prosper opened the heavy door and Pinky stuck her head in slowly. She looked at Claire asleep in my lap and something that looked like pain crossed her eyes.

  She smiled at me gently, “Hey little darling. Claire looks mighty sleepy, can I take her and put her inside? We have a nice big warm bed just for her and one for you too. I made cookies. I’ve been waiting for you and I’m so happy you’re here, honey.” She had her arms outstretched ready for Claire.

  I looked passed her to Prosper and he nodded. I had long known that Pinky had secrets too, more than Prosper, more than my dad. But unlike Prosper’s, I knew that the darkest of Pinky’s secrets were about things that had been done to her, and not about things she had done to others. I reached past Claire to find the small dirty pink bunny that she dragged with her everywhere. I said solemnly, “She’s going to need this.”

  Pinky turned to Prosper and unloaded the precious bundle in to his big arms. Then she turned back to me.

  “Raine, do you know why you’re here honey? Why Prosper came and got you?”

  I nodded wisely, “It’s because our daddy doesn’t come home or take care of

  Claire anymore.”

  “That’s right, sweetheart. And Claire needs someone to take care of her, doesn’t she? So until your daddy can do that again, Prosper and I thought we would do that for her and maybe you might let us take care of you too.”

  All the fear and utter despondency that had sat heavy on my little heart for too long washed away and was replaced with an anger so deep it filled me.

  “I take care of Claire. I do that. I wash her and make her eat. I try to comb her hair but she runs from me. I take care of Claire!” I shouted. “I do that! We don’t need daddy to do that ever ever again! AND YOU! YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT!”

  That was it. I was done. I felt my heart break and the big dark lie take its place inside my soul where it would dwell and feed and soon become bigger than all the good things. That lie that was so big that if I ever let it up it would tear me apart on its way out. Because now I had a dark secret too and that secret was that I needed my daddy to do that more than I needed to breathe. And try as I might, I could not make that happen. That was the darkest secret of all. I pulled my arms around me to keep the hard jagged truth in tight so it wouldn’t shred me to pieces on the way up. I drew myself in and held on tight.

  Prosper saw me wrap myself around and he knew.

  He knew.

  He pulled Pinky gently out of the way then and handed Claire to her. He nodded her toward the house. With a look of great sadness and infinite understanding, Pinky left us taking Claire and pink bunny into the cabin.

  My little chest was heaving and my throat was balled up so hard with unshed tears that it hurt to breathe. Prosper slid into the seat next to me, not too close but not too far away either. He looked out the window away from me for a time, then he casually started unwrapping a candy bar that had been in his pocket. He took a piece off, popped it into his mouth and offered the rest to me. I hesitated and then accepted the peace offering. We sat that way for a while listening to the sounds of a country night and tasting the smooth creamy chocolate on our tongues.

  “You still playing that little harp I gave you?” He said. Not looking at me.

  “Every day.” I said. Not looking at him.

  He nodded. More silence.

  “You know, don’t you little darlin’, that you’re just about the smartest, most courageous friend that I ever had?”

  “I’m not brave Prosper,” I whispered miserably. “I’m scared all the time.”

  “That true Raine?” He turned to look at me then and raised an eyebrow. I looked up at him and nodded the sad truth.

  “Well, I know something about being brave little darlin’ and I learned it in ‘Nam. Shit, I even have a medal called a Purple Heart in a box right on top of my brown dresser in that cabin over there. If you want, I can show it to you some time.”

  “They give medals for that?” I asked.

  “They sure do, honey, and the thing I learned most about courage is that it’s something brave people call upon when they are so scared to do a thing they can barely breathe, but they do it anyway because it’s just the right thing to do.”

  “Does anyone ever get tired of being brave, Prosper?” I put my tiny hand in his.

  He squeezed it gently and said,” Sure they do little darlin’, people get tired of being brave all the time.”

  “What happens then, Prosper?” I was looking at him now, the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  I heard something catch in the back of his throat and he had to clear it before he went on. “Why they call on someone who has some brave left over, that’s what they do honey.”

  “Prosper?”

  “Yes Raine?”

  “Do you have any brave left over?”

  “Little darlin’, just so happens I been saving up a bunch of brave just for you.”

  I thought about this for a while.

  “So Prosper?”

  “Yeah, Raine?’

  “You got this?”

  He brought the back of his hand up to his eye.

  “Yeah, darlin’, I got this.”

  I’m not sure how longed we stayed at the cabin by the lake with Prosper and Pinky because little ones measure time differently. But I knew it was good time. Claire and I flourished. We had plenty to eat and there was always homemade cookies. Sometimes there were people wearing the leather letter jackets same as before, and same as before I would sleep tight with Claire next to me, too afraid to look at their shadows thrown on the wall.

  Prosper bought me several harmonicas in different keys and continued my earlier lessons on the art of playing the harp. The best part of all, was sometimes at night, I would sit curled up at his feet and he would teach me to sing harmony.

  Our father first came to see us about two weeks after we were there. Prosper met him
at the end of the driveway and they talked for a long time before he came up. Claire ran to his arms and he held her tight. I stayed back watching. When he reached for me, I put my little hand into Prosper’s and I saw such a look of unbearable pain cross my father’s face, I knew that he loved me. He started coming more often after that and the dark shadows started to leave his face and when I watched him watch Claire, I knew that he saw her.

  Right after that first visit, Prosper took me by the hand and led me to a wooden bench in the back of the yard. He sat real close to me, with his hands planted on his thighs and his eyes looking into mine.

  “Raine, what I have to say here is pretty important. Fair to say it will be the most important thing you’re ever going to hear, so I need you to listen to me real close and to remember. Now I’m going to help you do that, but you have to help too. Can you do that for me Raine, can you listen real close and remember what I tell you?”

  “Yes, Prosper. I do solemnly swear it.”

  He smiled at that.

  “Raine, I’m gonna help your daddy get where he needs to be. Me and him, why we had a long talk and we’re going to do whatever that takes. That’s our job. When he does that and when I think, when I know, he is ready to be the daddy that you and Clairedeserve, you’ll be going back home with him. When you’re back home, he is with you, cooking and cleaning and doing all those things that the good daddies do. That’s his job. You good with that Raine?”

  “I’m good with that Prosper.”

  “Now in the beginning and a long time after that, I’m going to be checking and making sure that everything happens the way it should be happening. But I won’t be doing it in a way you can see.”

  He took my small hands in his and held them tight.

  “That will not be me not wanting to see you and Claire. That will be me stepping back and letting your daddy be the man I know he is. It’s important to me that you understand that Raine.”

  “I understand.”

  His hands were getting sweaty and he let go of mine to reach into his pocket.

  “Can you read this Raine?” he handed me a small piece of paper.

  “Yes, I can.” And I could.

  “We’re going to read this every day until you memorize it.”

  “My job, Prosper?”

  “A very important part of your job, little darlin’ but not the whole of it. You and I, we’re going to read this so much that no matter what happens or where you are, you’ll be able to bring it to mind.”

  “What is it Prosper?”

  “It’s the whereabouts of a place where you can always find me, little darlin’. Today, tomorrow, twenty years from now. You there, I’m there. And if I’m not there right then, there will always, always be someone there that can find me. You’re gonna walk right into that place and you’re going to go up to the bar and tell whoever is behind it that you’re Raine and you’re looking for Prosper”

  “Prosper?”

  “Yes little darlin’?”

  “What if there’s nobody behind the bar?”

  “Well you see honey that’s a real good question. If you don’t see anybody behind the bar, you just use the lungs that good lord gave you and you belt out a yell asking who it is that’s supposed to be behind the bar and then you tell that man what I just told you. If the day comes, little darlin’ that I’m not around, I’ve made arrangements for that too. What that means is that you and Claire have a safe place. Always.”

  “Like magic.” I whispered. “But better because it’s real.”

  “Just like that, Raine. The other part of your job is to know when you’re going to need to go to that place. That place is not because you miss ole Prosper, or your dad won’t let you eat ice cream for supper. That place is for a time when things are so dark that you cannot see the light coming through. That place is what we call a game changer, sweetheart. That means if there comes a time you when you need that place, everything about your life will have to change because you know it just is not safe for you and Claire to be in it any more. If and when that happens, you come find me.

  “Like when you came and got me and Claire this time, Prosper? Because my daddy didn’t come home, and we didn’t have food, and it felt like it was dark all the time even when it wasn’t?”

  “You got it sweetheart.”

  And I did.

  Chapter 10

  The sweet obscure sounds of Eva Cassidy played out from my iPod and I was singing along in perfect harmony. The subtle tones of my young voice had grown into something sweet, strong and sultry. Music gave me such pleasure and transformed me to a place far outside the ties that bound me. I had taught myself to play the guitar and would often sing and play long into the night. It had helped to keep away the loneliness. In those formative years when lifelong friendships were being forged, Claire and I hadn’t exactly had the kind of life that invited that in.

  I was feeling okay and I was singing in the sunshine. Every so often, I would lift up my chin and let the healing shine down on my battered face. I stayed out there most of the day. I let the wind take my hair and the grass tickle my toes. I drank lemonade, then beer and worked in my little garden until my back ached. Occasionally, I would find myself glancing at the back door, a threshold to the world of worry waiting for me on the other side.

  I was glad that the “drop” was over and the MC had their money. Past experiences notwithstanding, I knew it was much better to be off their radar. The Diego thing. I decided not to even go there. I still worried about why he was in my house that night. But, again, paid up and all good. Diego was a complication I couldn’t afford, period. So what if he smelled like clean soap, and when he held me in his arms, I had felt safe and protected and had slept like a baby. He hadn’t stuck around for the light of day. My mom would have said that was him being a “Walk Away Joe.”

  “Real men are the ones who go to sleep next to you at night, wake up next to you in the morning and hold you in their hearts all the hours in between. You make sure, when it’s your time, you pick a man like that.”

  “Yeah,” I thought wryly. “Good luck with that.”

  The sun was low in the sky when I finally walked into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. It had been a good day. I had started the day off thinking my life was a train wreck and by the end of the day, I was comparing it to more of a derailment. It hadn’t crashed and burned, it had simply gotten off track.

  I pulled the screen door open wide ready to face the next thing. When I walked into the kitchen, the next thing hit me like a bullet. How could I have missed that? The rumbled envelope was sitting on the table and must have been there all day. Or had it been? I walked towards it praying to Sweet, Sweet Jesus that it was empty. Hoping against hope that Diego had grabbed the cash out of it and stuffed it in his pocket. Why would he want a stupid bulky envelope anyway, right? He wouldn’t. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. Don’t worry. Nothing to worry about. At all.

  When I picked it up and saw the cash sitting like a heavy stone still in the envelope, I sank to the floor. This couldn’t make sense in any way that was good. Diego hadn’t taken the money. Which meant…..what? Or having taken it, had he then come back here while I was outside singing it up in the garden, thinking the worst was over?

  Shit, they had even sent him to come two days early for it. Why leave it without a word? Unless maybe he forgot it. Oh, of course that was it. How dumb of me to worry. He had been so hypnotized by my bloody beaten face and so enthralled by my puke fest that he simply forgot about the THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS THAT I OWED HIS MC.

  Why had he been here sitting in the dark, waiting for me and then had not taken that money? Unless it wasn’t the money he had come for. So what had he come for?

  I was pacing.

  Think. Think. Think. Think.

  They had said that the money wouldn’t be enough if... if…if……. what?

  Oh, Sweet Jesus.

  If there was something Cla
ire was involved in that basically fucked over the MC.

  I had grilled her on the way to the hospital and she had said over and over that she had had very little involvement in Jamie’s business. But that night she had tried to tell them that Jamie had the money. How had she known that? How would she have known anything at all about his money if she wasn’t involved?

  Had my baby sister been able to look me straight in the eye and lie?

  Had Diego come here last night for Claire?

  I had driven her straight to the hospital but the MC couldn’t have known that. And I told them that she would be here with me. Or did I? I was getting so confused. Had he come to kill Claire and had my fucked up face played on his sympathy? What had Diego been doing in my house before I had come home? What had he been doing when I was getting sick and I thought he was gone? Had he searched the house? Oh my God, do I talk in my sleep? Is he trying to find Claire right now to shut her up?

  And that was me. ON and ON and ON and ON. For hours. Just like that.

  Then out of nowhere something banged hard against the screen door. I dropped to my knees and covered my head.

  “My bad!” A familiar voice yelled out. “Missed again, Raine!

  Tommy Adams had overshot the morning paper.

  I let out a rush of air and rose unsteadily to my feet.

  Wait, what? I looked at the clock and it was seven a.m. I had been so deep in thought, so worried and filled with fear and despair that I had sat in my own darkness long after the sun had come up.

  I could see no way of getting us out of this one. Claire was safe for now. No calls in or out, no visitors for the first twenty eight days of rehab. But what about after that?

  And what if they came for me? They must want something instead of the thirty grand or they never would have left it. When would the Hell’s Saints come for whatever that was?