G'day, America

by James Patterson

  Niki strutted to the front of the stage and grabbed hold of the mic. “G’day, America!” he shouted. “How’re you goin’?”

  As the crowd roared, two jets of silver glitter shot into the air. Niki glanced round to check Miller was in place and that The Changmeister was ready. With a last nod and smile to me, Niki turned back to the microphone.

  “You might’ve heard this one before!” he shouted. “One, two, three, four!” Niki’s hand came down and the familiar intro to “Kangaroo Krush” rang out across the auditorium.

  Niki Blister and The People were up and running.

  IN THE WORDS of Miller the Killer, we totally krushed it.

  With Niki Blister (AUTHENTIC ROCK GOD!!!!!) at the mic and the rest of us playing as well as we possibly could—which, considering we’d only been practicing for six weeks, was not too shabby—we really did kick some rock-and-roll butt.

  After “Kangaroo Krush”, we went into “Parmesan Cheese” before heading straight into another couple of storming Spiderzz tracks—“Armageddon Highway” and “Wild Hair Boogie”—when Niki shoved me in front of the microphone.

  “This next one’s kind of personal to Rafe,” Niki said into the mic. “It’s about a special someone out there. You know who you are.”

  The crowd roared and I went about as red as a sunset on Mars. I glanced over at Kasey, who was standing in the wings taking photos. She put a finger down her throat and mimed gagging.

  “Uh, hi,” I said, into the mic. “This one’s called ‘O, Gail Jenetta’.”

  As Jason began the slow keyboard intro to the song, I did my best to look like I knew what I was doing. I knew Jeanne was in the audience because she’d told me she was going and I hoped she knew it was about her. My voice cracked a bit on the opening line, but I kept it together and by the middle of the song half the audience were holding up their cell phones as torches.

  At the end of “O, Gail Jenetta”, Niki took back the mic and we finished the set with three big numbers: “Fight The Stricker”, “Everything Sucks,” and one more “Kangaroo Krush,” during which (despite being warned not to by the Fire Department) Niki got his guitar to shoot flames across the auditorium.

  “Oops!” Niki shouted. “My bad! Good night, Hills Village!

  The mosh pit went crazy—that’s right, we had a mosh pit—and, with a shock, I saw Mom crowd-surfing. As she passed close by the stage, she waved to me.

  “My back’s fine!” she yelled. “Woo-hoo!”

  Miller gave one final drumroll and crashed the cymbals so hard one of them spun across the stage and almost decapitated a stagehand.

  People fainted, cameras flashed, Mom’s bad back was cured by crowd-surfing across the mosh pit and, most importantly, my cool status at Hills Village Middle School soared to record heights. Everything most definitely did not suck! I was going to be a rock star!

  Nothing could stop me!

  I HAVEN’T BEEN around all that long, but I’ve seen enough to know that life’s got a funny way of kicking you hard in the butt at the exact moment you think you have everything going for you.

  Take me, for instance. There I was, school cool restored, rock music career ahead of me, Mom’s back fixed, everyone liking me (including Jeanne Galletta). Nothing could stop me now.

  Except it turned out there was something that would stop me becoming a rock-and-roll star, after all. At least for now.

  And that was Niki Blister disappearing without a trace.

  Again.

  After the show at the Rio, everything seemed normal … or as normal as things can be after playing our very first, smash-hit rock gig. Everyone wanted to congratulate us, shake hands, get a photo, interview us. I even had to sign a couple of autographs. Me!

  I noticed that Niki wasn’t around for too many photos, but I sort of figured he was probably taking off his stage clothes and makeup somewhere. Anyway, it was crazy right after the gig, so it wasn’t for a few days that any of us really noticed we hadn’t seen him around. We were all on cloud nine for a while. Miller “asking” me to be in the band had turned out to be one of the best things that had ever happened to me. Doing stuff I never thought I’d be able to do and doing it as a team. That was what made it really special. I knew we’d all been randomly thrown together, but we’d somehow managed to turn into a proper band. I’d learned how to play the guitar and I’d written songs and performed live on stage! I might not stay friends with Miller and Jason forever, but I’d never forget what we’d achieved together.

  Going back to school was a bit of a shock, I’m not going to lie. It was like the Rio hadn’t happened. Or, more like it had happened, but to someone else. The levels of cool I’d built up before KRMY (only to then see them all drain away) were back … but it didn’t feel as good as I figured it would. One reason was that Kasey had returned to Australia. I know I should’ve given you a whole lowdown on what she’d said and what I’d said and all that kind of stuff … but I haven’t. I don’t know why. Maybe it was too personal to write down. Maybe it’s too personal to share, even with you guys. I mean, I like you all well enough, but you have to keep some stuff secret, right?

  I had an idea that Kasey wasn’t too keen on seeing me back at HVMS and that Jeanne Galletta being around might have had something to do with that. As far as Jeanne was concerned, I was not only a rock star, I was a rock star whose artwork was good enough to steal. Anyway, for whatever reason, Kasey was gone and, despite my improved standing with J.G., Miller wasn’t the only one who didn’t like that.

  The people around me seemed to be disappearing on a way too regular basis. There was Kasey, obvs, but also Sid … and, of course, Niki—all Australians. I was beginning to wonder if that was an Australian thing. Disappearing, I mean. I knew Australia was basically empty. There’s, what, about two hundred people on the whole island, right?

  I’m only kidding. I know Australia has more than two hundred people. There’s got to be at least a thousand.

  Still only kidding. But the people from Down Under had certainly turned everything in Hills Village upside down, which I guess is kind of ironic. Or not. I can never figure out what’s ironic and what isn’t.

  Sid had been caught in Miami with most of the money from the yoga festival. Kasey had been right: he was about as Australian as a polar bear. And his name wasn’t Sidney Harberbridge. It was Steve Hackensack, from Earlville, Idaho, who turned out to be quite the specialist in conning people in small towns. The sad thing is, Mom said, he could probably have made a bunch more money if he’d actually kept the cafe and put on the yoga festival. Grandma Dotty said a leopard never changes its spots, but that sounded unfair to leopards to me. Besides, what’s with all the cat metaphors?

  We never found out why Sid told us we were on the bill at KRMY when we weren’t. After all, as far as we knew, he hadn’t made any money by lying to us. My guess is that, for someone like Sid, lying just becomes second nature. He couldn’t resist making himself sound hipper than he really was … no matter how pathetic. He was a hipster through and through.

  And that’s the other thing—I’m totally done with hipsters and all things hip. I talk with my old voice again. I don’t do the hipster wrist-click wave. I don’t make artisan coffees. The angled bag has gone, and I wear shoes at all times. I don’t listen to music ironically (there you go again)—I just listen.

  Life’s a lot simpler this way … although sometimes late at night when I close my eyes I can hear the roar of the mosh pit, smell the smoke from the dry-ice machine, and see the stage lights flicker as I step to the microphone and scream out one more time, “G’day, America!”

  MOMS NEVER FORGET, RIGHT?

  Mine doesn’t, anyway. Not. A. Thing.

  Remember way back in the middle of all this I promised Mom I’d take up yoga if she made her Leftover Meat Loaf Spaghetti Special? Remember her saying that she’d keep me to it? No, me neither.

  But Mom remembered. And if Mom remembers something, it stays remembered. There was no ge
tting out of it: I was doing yoga.

  “Down dog,” the instructor said.

  I stuck my butt in the air and tried not to feel as ridiculous as I looked.

  Namaste.

  1. History lesson #1: old vinyl records used to have stuff written on them about the artist. These were called “sleeve notes”. Since The Spiderzz (SPOILER ALERT!) do play a part in the rest of the story, it’s probably worth telling you what the sleeve notes said.

  2. I have no evidence that yaks like donuts. I’m not totally sure what a yak

  3. For those of you easily confused—or in Australia—the umpire was wearing a striped shirt. He didn’t actually have black-and-white striped skin.

  4. DISCLAIMER: all of the above does not mean R. Khatchadorian disapproves of beansprouts, beetroot, kale, or wheatgrass … although he does still think tofu is chewy wood.

  5. Here’s a tip for non-Aussies: Wagga Wagga is always referred to as just “Wagga” and it’s pronounced “Wogga”. Go figure.

  6. For those of you who don’t know, a “plec”—short for “plectrum”—is a little piece of plastic, or bone, or wood, that guitarists use to hit the strings.

  7. Since signing on as our guru, Niki had started calling me a whole bunch of different “rocker” names. So far I’d been called The Rafeman, Rafadocious, Captain Rafe, The Rafe-amator, and Wild Rafe Khatchadorian. I figured Niki was trying them on for size and waiting for one to stick.

  JAMES PATTERSON is the internationally bestselling author of the highly praised Middle School books, Pottymouth and Stoopid, Laugh Out Loud, Not So Normal Norbert, Unbelievably Boring Bart, Max Einstein: The Genius Experiment, and the Dog Diaries, I Funny, Jacky Ha-Ha, Treasure Hunters, House of Robots, Confessions, Maximum Ride, Witch & Wizard, and Daniel X series. James Patterson’s books have sold more than 375 million copies worldwide, making him one of the biggest-selling authors of all time. He lives in Florida.

  MARTIN CHATTERTON was born in Liverpool, England, and has been successfully writing and illustrating books for over 30 years. He has written dozens of books for children and illustrated many more, collaborating with a number of illustrious authors along the way, including multiple British Children’s Laureates. His work has been published in 14 languages and has won or been shortlisted for numerous awards in Australia, the US, and the UK. As Ed Chatterton, Martin writes crime fiction, screenplays and historical fiction, and several of his books are in development with various TV and film producers. Martin is also well known as a children’s performer and tours globally. When he’s not writing and illustrating, Martin is an in-demand public performer, touring schools and festivals around the world. In 2017 Martin gained his PhD and is currently working on two projects related to his doctorate. After a period spent living in the US, he now divides his time between Australia and the UK.

  Also by James Patterson

  I Funny series

  I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Even Funnier (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Totally Funniest (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Funny TV (with Chris Grabenstein)

  School of Laughs (with Chris Grabenstein)

  The Nerdiest, Wimpiest, Dorkiest I Funny Ever (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Treasure Hunters series

  Treasure Hunters (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Danger Down the Nile (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Secret of the Forbidden City (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Peril at the Top of the World (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Quest for the City of Gold (with Chris Grabenstein)

  House of Robots series

  House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Robots Go Wild! (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Robot Revolution (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jacky Ha-Ha series

  Jacky Ha-Ha (with Chris Grabenstein)

  My Life is a Joke (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Dog Diaries Series

  Dog Diaries (with Stephen Butler)

  Happy Howlidays! (with Stephen Butler)

  Other illustrated novels

  Kenny Wright: Superhero (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Word of Mouse (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Pottymouth and Stoopid (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Laugh Out Loud (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Not So Normal Norbert (with Joey Green)

  Unbelievably Boring Bart (with Duane Swierczynski)

  Max Einstein: The Genius Experiment (with Chris Grabenstein)

  For more information about James Patterson’s novels, visit www.jamespatterson.co.uk

  Or become a fan on Facebook

  THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SERIES

  THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  This is the insane story of my first year at middle school, when I, Rafe Khatchadorian, took on a real-life bear (sort of), sold my soul to the school bully, and fell for the most popular girl in school. Come join me, if you dare …

  GET ME OUT OF HERE!

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  We’ve moved to the big city, where I’m going to a super-fancy art school. The first project is to create something based on our exciting lives. But I have a BIG problem: my life is TOTALLY BORING. It’s time for Operation Get a Life.

  MY BROTHER IS A BIG, FAT LIAR

  (with Lisa Papademetriou)

  So you’ve heard all about my big brother, Rafe, and now it’s time to set the record straight. I’m NOTHING like my brother. (Almost) EVERYTHING he says is a Big Fat Lie. And my book is 100 times better than Rafe’s. I’m Georgia, and it’s time for some payback … Khatchadorian style.

  HOW I SURVIVED BULLIES, BROCCOLI, AND SNAKE HILL

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m excited for a fun summer at camp—until I find out it’s a summer school camp. There’s no fun and games here, I have a bunk mate called Booger Eater (it’s pretty self-explanatory), and we’re up against the kids from the “Cool Cabin” … there’s gonna be a whole lotta trouble!

  ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN

  (with Julia Bergen)

  Who would have thought that we—Rafe and Georgia—would ever agree on anything? That’s right—we’re writing a book together. Discover: Who has the best advice on BULLIES? Who’s got all the right DANCE MOVES? Who’s the cleverest Khatchadorian in town? And the best part? We want you to be part of the fun too!

  SAVE RAFE!

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m in worse trouble than ever! I need to survive a gut-bustingly impossible outdoor excursion so I can return to school next year. Watch me as I become “buddies” with the scariest girl on the planet, raft down the rapids on a deadly river, and ultimately learn the most important lesson of my life.

  JUST MY ROTTEN LUCK

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m heading back to the place where it all began: Hills Village Middle School, but only if I take “special” classes … If that wasn’t bad enough, when I somehow land a place on the school football team, I find myself playing alongside none other than the biggest bully in school, Miller the Killer!

  DOG’S BEST FRIEND

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  My name is Rafe Khatchadorian, and Trouble’s my middle name. From my very first disaster, when I tried to break every rule in my school’s Code of Conduct, to my newest catastrophe in this book, when I start my own dog-walking empire and it goes horribly wrong, I can’t seem to keep from ending up in deep dog doo-doo. But if my crazy adventures make you laugh, then hey—it’s worth it!

  FROM HERO TO ZERO

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m going on the trip of a lifetime! What could possibly go wrong? For starters, how about: Causing a barftastic catastrophe on a ten-hour plane ride or almost accidentally stealing a priceless national treasure. But the worst thing that happens? I’ve spent all of middle school being chased by Miller the Killer, but on this trip, there’s NOWHERE TO RUN!

  All rights reserved. No part of this book ma
y be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Penguin Random House Australia. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  Version 1.0

  Middle School: G’day, America

  9780143792482

  First published by Random House Australia in 2018

  Copyright © James Patterson, 2018

  Illustrations by Martin Chatterton, 2018

  The moral right of the author and the illustrator has been asserted.

  A Random House book

  Published by Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd

  Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney NSW 2060

  penguin.com.au

  Addresses for the Penguin Random House group of companies can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com/offices.

  Cover illustration by Martin Chatterton

  Cover design by Christabella Designs

  Ebook by Firstsource

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