“This is like camping out,” Geri said.
He turned and gazed at her, taking in every aspect of her appearance before he looked back at the stove.
“No electrical lines out here,” he explained. “I have a small generator for lights and hot water. But it’s easier to cook with propane. I’m afraid there’s no refrigerator, either. So we’re stuck with whatever comes in a can or a box.”
Interesting. The man had a chemical formula worth millions, and he chose to live this way? Why? Because he hadn’t perfected it yet? That was the theory. Something wasn’t right with Alex’s formula, and he was holed up here, working out the bugs. As soon as he was done, he’d cut his deal and take off for some corner of the world, live a life of luxury and decadence, a conscienceless existence where he would ignore the havoc he caused.
Could he do that? Geri wondered. Could he be that conscienceless man?
“It’s really not that bad,” Alex said.
Damn, she’d lost it again. “What?”
“The food. You were frowning. I wanted to reassure you that breakfast from a can, lunch from a can, even dinner from a can—it’s not that bad.”
“Oh. I was thinking about something else, that’s all. And I’m hungry enough that I don’t care where the food came from.”
“Help yourself to a can of some liquid from the cabinet.” He nodded to his right. “And grab something for me, too.”
Geri found canned soda, individual serving bottles of fruit juice, bottled water and canned beer. “You drink warm beer?”
He pulled two bowls from the cabinet to his left and dished out the stew. “When I’m desperate enough and I don’t want to put up with the ambience at my neighborhood bar.”
Geri sat down at the tiny table, opened a can of juice for Alex and one for herself. He put a bowl of stew in front of her, then sat down himself.
“What were you doing there, Geri?”
“What?” She schooled her features not to show anything.
“At the bar.”
“I was thirsty,” she insisted, biting into her stew.
“Come on,” Alex said. “Dressed like that? Walking alone into some seedy bar? You had to know you were asking for trouble,.”
She decided anger was her best tactic. “So a woman who dresses like that and chooses to walk into a bar in the evening gets whatever she deserves? Is that how you think it works? That I deserved it?”
“That’s not what I said.”
She let herself remember the fear when she’d been down on the floor and the huge, angry man standing over her had a broken whiskey bottle in his hand—fear that she would carelessly let one more situation rush dangerously out of control because she just wasn’t herself. She was suddenly so angry. And she decided to use every bit of that anger, as she’d been trained to do. Manipulation, when called for, had once been as natural to her as breathing, after all.
“You know,” she said, her voice weak and trembling, “the last time I heard that particular reasoning—that I deserved what I was getting? It was when I got those bruises you found on my body last night.”
“Geri—”
“Don’t you dare tell me I deserved it.”
She expected an apology, expected him to ask nicely for her forgiveness, maybe for him to take her in his arms. Instead, he sat with his arms folded across his chest and stared. Geri fought the urge to panic. He was brilliant, she knew, but he was still a man, and he’d obviously relished his role as her reluctant protector the day before. Still, something was wrong. Something in the way he looked at her. Don’t make me think you care, Alex, she silently begged. Don’t.
“I never said you deserved any of that,” he said tightly. “There was nothing you could have done to justify their behavior. How they choose to respond is their responsibility. But still you were hurt because you put yourself in an incredibly precarious situation. That’s what I meant. Why would you be so callous about your own safety? Anything could have happened. And you had to know that, when you walked into the bar. So I can’t quite figure out why you did it. Why you’d take so few precautions with your own safety.”
She hadn’t chosen to do that, of course. She’d known Alex was there.
“And another thing—if you were trying to get away from some man, why would you do it dressed like that? Every man who saw you would have remembered you. And that car. It’s memorable. Why call so much attention to yourself when you’re trying to disappear?”
“I was trying to call attention to myself,” she said, refusing to let him get her all flustered. That was a rookie mistake, and she was no rookie.
“Really?”
“It’s not the first time I’ve left him, Alex. And I learned a few things in the times before. He has a lot of money, and he’ll come after me. I knew he’d be watching the airport, so I didn’t even try that. I knew I had to leave a trail for him to follow—a false trail. So I took his flashy BMW and put on an outfit guaranteed to stop traffic and I laid the trail for him. I stopped three times between here and Dallas, made sure lots of people saw me. And I was going to leave the car somewhere for him to find, then change everything I could about myself—my hair, my clothes, even the color of my eyes—then head off in another direction and hope that this time I would manage to get away.”
Geri recited the whole story without looking at him. She let her nerves shine through, because the woman she was pretending to be would be very nervous, and she hoped Alex would fall for her act. When she let herself glance at his face, she wasn’t sure he had.
“You don’t believe me?” she demanded with as much indignation as she could muster.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to say it,” she blurted out, angry now. She would do whatever it took, be whatever kind of woman he responded to if it meant getting the job done.
What she hadn’t expected was to feel guilty for that. She deceived people practically every day of her life. It had been so bad lately, she wasn’t sure she was capable of feeling any genuine emotion at all. It had gotten to the point where she merely soaked up experiences and emotions that might prove useful to her someday, to be put on display at the proper time. That was what her life had become until one mission had gone desperately wrong. Until he had come along and messed it all up.
The guilt and fear and uncertainty had been the first real emotions she’d felt in years, and that frightened her. It had her wondering what her life had become, and what would be left for her if she couldn’t do her job. Nothing, she realized. Absolutely nothing.
Alex was right. Sometimes you waited too late to try to change things, and you were simply alone. Maybe it was already too late for her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, backing off, letting him see her very real struggle for control. “I’m not good at trusting people.”
Alex slid his hand across the table and took one of her hands in his. “Why?” he asked gently.
Spewing out an awful combination of truth and lies, she said, “It’s not easy to let someone get close. I used to want that. I remember wanting that more than anything, but...”
It was scary. She’d been disappointed so many times, mostly by her father. She’d grown up seeing him totally alone, dependent on no one, strong and brave, distant and cold, and it had seemed natural to try to emulate him. It had seemed to be the way of the world to her.
She was still surprised to find that it wasn’t; that there were people who talked about their problems openly, who cried and yelled and rejoiced and loved, who lived life to the fullest. People who had friends and loved ones and relatives they saw voluntarily, even eagerly, instead of only when tradition or appearances demanded it. It was all so different from the way she’d been raised.
“Geri?” he said. “Sometimes you’ve got to take a risk. You’ve got to reach out to people. You can’t think life is going to stand still around you, that once you finally come to your senses and work up your courage the people you need will be stan
ding right there waiting for you to make things right—to need them, to want them, to love them. I know about these things. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go in my life.”
“You waited too long with someone?”
He nodded.
“Your mother?”
“No. I was too little to screw up that relationship. Now, given some time...” He managed a wry smile. “It was one of my sisters. Very nearly two of them, actually. My oldest sister and I didn’t talk for years. I was mad at her for years, thinking...well, thinking a lot of stuff that just wasn’t true and being too stubborn and too hurt to ask. I could very easily have lost her forever.”
Geri knew. His oldest sister had practically raised him and his two sisters after their mother had died, even though she’d been only a teenager herself. Alex had been in grade school when their father had remarried, and soon after, his oldest sister had left for college and seldom come back. Apparently there had been a great deal of tension between her and her new stepmother, but Alex... Geri could easily see him feeling abandoned for the second time in his life.
“What happened?” she asked, because she wasn’t supposed to know that much about him.
“She was like a mother to me, and then she had to go away. I blamed her for leaving—maybe the same way I blamed my mother for dying. Did you ever do that? Blame your mother for dying?”
“The whole time I was growing up,” Geri admitted. Maybe she still did.
Alex shrugged. “It’s hard not to when you want something you can’t have. Especially when you’re a kid. Anyway, I wasn’t very nice to my oldest sister for a while, and I tried with my stepmother, but things weren’t great there, either, and I probably held back a lot more than I should have with everybody in my life after that.”
He sighed. “Then I really lost a sister.”
“What do you mean?” Geri asked sadly, knowingly.
“She died,” Alex said.
“And you weren’t... close?”
“Not as close as we should have been. You stand by and watch people leave you all the time, and eventually you come to rely on yourself more and more. You tell yourself you don’t need anyone, right?”
“I suppose.”
He made a face at her. “Come on, Geri. You know. This is you, too. We’re a lot alike.”
“Maybe,” she said.
“Anyway, I waited too long for me and my other sister. If I want to see her now, I’m looking at her photograph or standing by her grave. Or visiting her boys. She has great boys. But it’s not the same as having her. Nothing will ever be the same as having her.”
“I’m sorry, Alex.”
“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? Take the risk, Geri. Let somebody in. It’s scary, but so’s finding yourself all alone. These last few months...” He broke off, looking surprised and wary for a moment, then shaking his head. “Hey, this was supposed to be about you, wasn’t it?”
“Maybe.”
“Don’t be scared, Geri.”
“I’ll try not to,” she promised. “I’ve just made some bad choices....”
“The man who hurt you,” he said.
She nodded, thinking of a job that was at the same time killing her and yet had been her entire life.
“Surely there was someone who would have helped you, Geri. Someone to turn to.”
“I don’t know. Maybe,” she said honestly.
If she’d reached out to someone earlier, if she’d known how... And then she remembered the act, the game. How could she keep forgetting the game?
“I couldn’t let anyone in, Alex. I was ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know.” Closing her eyes, she said calculatingly, “I never let anyone see the bruises.”
Alex swore softly, and she knew she had him. She’d done exactly what she had to do. And still managed to tell him more about herself than anyone else had heard in years. There were bruises deep inside her—not unlike the discolorations on her ribs—and no one had ever seen them. Until Alex.
Geri heard the scrape of wood on wood, then realized he’d slid his chair across the floor until he was sitting sideways, next to her. One of his arms slipped around her shoulders, and he pulled her to him until her head was tucked against his chest.
“You don’t have to say any more.” He stroked her hair, dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “I believe you, okay? You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again, because she was. With him, she honestly was.
“It’s all right,” he said, then smiled. “You know, this has gotten way too maudlin. Can we forget all about this? Just for the rest of today?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been alone for a long time now, and I didn’t know how much I missed being around someone until you came along. I want one day with you. Just as friends. Can you give me that, Geri? One day?”
“I don’t know.”
“We can just be two people getting to know each other.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Probably not, but it’s what I want,” he said.
“I can’t go to bed with you, Alex.”
“I don’t recall asking. Not recently, anyway.” He grinned. “Not that I won’t before the day’s over... But for right now, just talk to me. Come outside and walk around with me. Take a ride on the bike with me. We’ll go look around, just the two of us. We’ll talk. I’ll make you forget about being so serious all the time, make you laugh. You know I can.”
“We can’t run away from everything. I wish we could, but—”
“We can for a day,” he insisted.
Geri sighed, wanting it desperately, wanting to forget that everything he’d told her fit what she’d been told about Alex Hathaway’s family, yet he wasn’t anything like what she’d expected. There had to be some explanation, something to help her make sense of him. One way or another, they were going to spend the day together. As long as she didn’t tell him anything more about herself, as long as she didn’t let him kiss her, as long as she stayed out of his bed, she’d be fine.
And tonight?
Tonight would take care of itself, and then she’d leave. She’d forget his wickedly sexy smile, his gentle touch, his kind concern—everything. She’d walk away without a second thought, without a twinge of conscience.
“Is it that hard?” Alex asked. “To give me one day?”
“Yes,” she admitted. “You’re a dangerous man, Alex.”
He nodded, grinning. “You’ve got that right.”
She swore, wondering if he somehow knew that she’d like nothing better than to have one day with Alex the man, simply as Geri the woman—two people they should never be. They were enemies, after all, in the middle of an undeclared war.
“It’s so odd,” she said. “Like you’re reading my mind.” In telling her just what she wanted to hear, offering her something she couldn’t have.
“I wish I was. Then I’d know all your secrets.” He sobered. “But let’s forget about yours and mine. Just for today.”
“What happens then?” she asked.
“Then you have to go,” he told her. “I’ll help you find someplace safe. I promise.”
“Why would you do that for me? I mean, it’s not your problem.”
He looked surprised. “I like you, Geri. Why wouldn’t I want to help you? And what kind of world do you live in if you’re so surprised by someone wanting to help you?”
“It’s...” Damn. “You wouldn’t like it, Alex. Not at all. I don’t even like it myself.”
“Give me today,” he said again, mesmerizing her until she wanted the same thing he did.
One day, she thought. She could think of it as a test. Surely she could resist him for one day.
Chapter 6
They finished breakfast, and she helped him clean up, which proved interesting in the tiny space.
They kept bumping into each other, laughing about it as the heat flared between
them. He didn’t try to touch her, to kiss her, but he made it clear that he still wanted her. He flirted shamelessly, but made light of it, and she didn’t feel nearly as pressured or as nervous about what he did as she did by the way he made her feel.
She was starting to wonder if he’d drugged her somehow, if he wasn’t a desperately potent drug himself—his smile, the sound of his voice, the sight of his hands doing something as mundane as drying a dish. He was a brilliant chemist, after all, and there were all sorts of experiments these days involving the science of attraction, about hormones and scents and such.
Alex would know all about those. Maybe he’d found a way to use them to get whatever he wanted from women. Maybe it wasn’t her fault she felt this way. Maybe there was nothing she could do to fight it; maybe she should just give in.
“You’re worrying again,” he complained, as he settled the helmet on her head.
She was, because old habits truly did die hard. For years, she’d lived to work, like a robot—a well-trained, precise, obedient soldier. In her entire life, she’d never done anything truly reckless with a man. It seemed there’d never been a time with no worries, no responsibilities, no guilt, no desperate longing to prove something to herself and her father. And she was so weary of it all.
Inside her was a traitorous woman who liked the idea of being the one in the sexy outfit racing through the deserted Texas plains with an equally sexy man, letting herself get utterly lost in both the man and the nothingness surrounding them. She could be the woman she’d invented for him, and he could be... He could be anyone except who she feared he was.
“Make me stop worrying,” she challenged, liking the idea more and more all the time. “Please. Just for today.”
A truly dangerous glint came into his eyes, and he laughed. “You’d better watch out. I told you I want you. You already know how good it’s going to be between us.”
“Do I?”
“Oh, yeah. I have no doubt.”
“You’re being a bit presumptuous, aren’t you? You sound like you know it’s going to happen.”
Spies, Lies and Lovers Page 8