Never Knowing

by Chevy Stevens

  Then I saw a quote that jarred me. “In the whole army none should be closer to the commander than his spies, none more highly awarded, none more confidentially treated.” Had Billy been using some of these strategies on me?

  Nice, Sara. You found the man attractive and you’re feeling guilty, so you’re looking for ways to make him a jerk. Billy was just a dedicated cop. I put the book back on the table. Then I buried my face in Evan’s pillow, inhaling his clean scent, telling myself over and over, Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine.

  * * *

  The next morning I made breakfast while Billy entertained Ally, but it looked like it was Ally who was entertaining Billy as she tried to wrestle one of her stuffed animals away from Moose. I was glad they were having fun, since Billy was going to watch her when I went up to see Evan. Billy said Sandy could stay with Ally and he’d escort me to the hospital, but I needed a little space from him after my weird reaction the night before. Not that I told Billy that. I just said I needed the drive to clear my head and asked if a patrol car could follow.

  He said, “I would’ve sent one whether you liked it or not. Someone’s gotta keep an eye on you.” Then he smiled and I tried to smile back, but my mind was spinning with worry. I’d tried to call you a couple of times that morning and was upset when you didn’t answer. When I mentioned it to Billy he said you probably had an emergency with another patient, but I thought, What could be more important than a serial killer?

  On the way to the hospital I put everything else out of my mind and focused on what I wanted to do about John. He’d just proved by shooting Evan that he wasn’t going to go away quietly. I thought about stopping at Lauren’s or my parents’ on the way home to hash it out, but part of me didn’t want to add more opinions to the mix, especially when I already knew what they’d be. My mind bounced all over the chart, but it kept going back to my original thought: meeting John was the only way out of this whole mess.

  * * *

  Before I went in to see Evan I sat in the parking lot of the hospital and tried to pull myself together. I was going to be upbeat and positive for him. The last things he needed right now were my fears and angst. I could do this. My resolve was rewarded as I walked into Evan’s room and he flashed his best boyish grin.

  “Hi, baby. I don’t think your father likes me.”

  I burst into tears.

  “Aw, Sara, don’t cry. That was supposed to make you laugh.”

  I hurled myself into the chair beside his bed and leaned on the mattress.

  “I’m so sorry, Evan. For all of this.”

  “You goof, you didn’t shoot me. Wait, did you?” He smiled.

  “No.”

  “Then shut up and give your fiancé a kiss.” After we shared a lingering kiss, and then another, I told him everything that had been happening. I wanted to tell him John had called again, but the nurses kept interrupting. Then the doctor came in. He’d just finished telling us Evan was going to be transported down to Nanaimo that afternoon when one of the officers stepped into the room.

  “Excuse me, Sara. Constable Reynolds would like you to call him.”

  I looked at Evan and he said, “Go.” I walked outside and called Billy’s cell.

  “What’s up?”

  “Something’s happened, Sara.”

  My stomach dropped. “Ally—”

  “Ally’s fine. It’s your psychiatrist—someone attacked her as she was leaving her office last night.”

  I felt a flash of relief that Ally was safe, then the rest of his words connected.

  “Oh, my God! Is she okay?”

  “She was knocked down and hit her head on the curb. She’ll be fine, but she’s in the Nanaimo hospital for monitoring.”

  I collapsed into a chair in the hall. Knocked down … I saw her head smashing into the curb, her silver hair turning crimson. What if she slipped into a coma? What if she died? I forced myself to take a breath. Don’t panic. Nadine was going to be okay. Then a new thought.

  “Was it John?”

  “We’re considering that possibility, also patients she may have had a problem with recently. She lost consciousness briefly and was attacked from behind, so she didn’t get a look at the assailant. He took off when some people exited the office next door. I know she’s important to you, so Sandy’s going to switch off with me here and I’ll go talk to the investigating officers. That okay with you?”

  “Of course. I can’t believe this.” My eyes filled with tears.

  “I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, Sandy will take good care of Ally until you get home.”

  “Thanks, Billy.”

  As soon as I hung up the phone I ran back to tell Evan what had happened.

  “I’m really sorry to hear that. Are you okay, baby?”

  “No! God, he shoots you and now he attacks Nadine?” I paced around his room.

  “They don’t know for sure it was him, though?”

  “It has to be. I just went there last night—he probably followed me and I took him straight to her.” I shook my head. “This isn’t his pattern at all. He must be totally losing it.”

  “Have you heard from him?”

  “Not since yesterday. He called when Billy was driving me home. He wanted to meet again. I hung up on him, but—”

  “You can’t meet him.”

  “But John’s gone after Nadine now—who’s next? This is bullshit. I’m sick and tired of his games. He needs to know he can’t just—”

  “Sara, you can’t—” As he reached for my hand his upper body shifted and he dropped his arm back onto the bed with a groan. He took a couple of breaths.

  “Should I call the nurse or—”

  “I’ll check myself out right now if you’re going to meet—”

  “Okay, okay. I won’t go near him.”

  “Promise.”

  I put a hand over my heart. “I promise.”

  He looked exhausted. “You going to see Nadine?”

  “I’m staying with you until they’re ready to take you to Nanaimo.”

  “I’m fine. But you have to go see her or you won’t be able to focus on anything else.”

  “She’s probably not allowed visitors.”

  He shrugged, then winced. “Just say you’re her daughter.”

  “That could work. I think she does have a daughter around my age, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t live here. Nadine never talks about her, though—I just saw a picture in her office once. Nadine’s a widow, you know. God, I wonder if she’s all by herself.…”

  “They’re taking me to Nanaimo soon anyway. You can meet me there after you see her.”

  “I want to stick around until they load you up and make sure you’re okay.”

  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I need—you all stressed out about Nadine. Just go and I’ll meet you at the hospital in a few hours. Besides, I want to take a quick nap and there’s no way you’ll be able to just sit here.”

  “I could too.”

  He gave me a look.

  I sighed. “Okay. I’ll bring Ally with me later if the police think it’s safe.”

  “I miss my Ally Cat. Now let’s play doctor before you go. I’ll let you check my temperature.…” He wiggled his eyebrows and laughed as I pretended to unplug his IV.

  * * *

  After Evan and I kissed good-bye—a couple of times—I headed out. When I passed the nurses’ station one of them held up a phone.

  “There’s a call for you.” I stopped and stared at her. Who would call me at the hospital?

  I never made it to see you that day, Nadine.

  SESSION TWENTY-ONE

  Since John attacked you, I’ve been going through hell. You should be the one who’s terrified, and I’m sure you are. But I feel like I’m losing my mind—what’s left of it. I wake up with a blanket of anxiety wrapped around me and I go to bed with it. Every muscle of my body aches. I massage my calves to release the tension.
But it doesn’t work. So I take muscle relaxants and have a hot bath. Then I stumble back to bed half buzzed and groggy. I roll into a ball, cocoon myself in safe words, telling myself it’s over. But I still wake up clawing at my legs.

  * * *

  When the nurse handed me the phone I thought it might be Dad or Lauren unable to reach my cell, but when I said, “Hello,” John answered rapid-fire.

  “We have to meet today.”

  I stretched the cord as far as I could and moved away from the desk. “How did you know I was here?”

  “We have to meet.”

  I looked over my shoulder, wondering if the nurses could hear, but one was gone and the other was writing something on a chart at the end of the hall.

  “I can’t just drop everything for you. I have to think about—”

  “There’s no time.”

  “You had time to attack my psychiatrist.” Rage made my voice shake. “Do you think hurting people I care about is going to make me like you?”

  Dead silence from the other end of the phone.

  I glanced down the hall. The officer sitting outside Evan’s room flipped through his magazine, oblivious to the fact that I was talking to the man he was supposed to be protecting me from.

  John was still silent, so I said, “You have to stop this.”

  “You have to help me. You’re the only one who can, Sara.” He sounded desperate. Not as desperate as I felt. What should I do? Was it just a trick? But what if it wasn’t?

  It didn’t matter. I knew what I was going to do. I closed my eyes.

  “I’ll meet you, okay? And we’ll talk about it. But I can’t get away for a while.”

  “Ally has to come too.”

  My body jerked like he’d hit me and I clutched the phone.

  “I already told you no.”

  “She has to. You and Ally have to come live with me.”

  “Live with—we can’t live with you. That’s not possible.”

  “You have to.” His voice was frantic. “If you come I won’t hurt anyone else again. I’ll stop forever. But if you don’t, I’m—I’m going to kill your shrink, and I’ll finish off Evan too. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but it’s an emergency.”

  “John, please, don’t do anything to—”

  “I won’t do any of it if you come. They’ll be safe.”

  My mind spun. Think, Sara. Think.

  “We can meet, okay? We can meet and we’ll talk about it.”

  “No, that’s not good enough. You and Ally come or I finish them off.”

  “Okay. Just give me a bit to make a plan. The police, they’re watching the hospital and our house because they don’t know who shot Evan. It’s not safe for me to meet you right now. I have to find a way to sneak off.”

  “If they find out about this call, I’ll kill Evan, if you tell them you’re meeting me, I’ll kill Evan. If you bring them with you, I’ll kill Evan. If—”

  “Stop threatening me! I have to be careful how I do this. I need some time. To think. You can’t just—”

  “It has to be this afternoon—at the park.”

  This afternoon?

  “Ally, she’s at school. If I yank her out, people will ask questions—and there’s a patrol car watching her.”

  He paused for a moment, then said, “Tonight at the park—six o’clock. Make sure no one follows you. Tell anyone, and Evan’s dead.”

  He hung up.

  * * *

  My legs were shaking as I walked back to Evan’s room. I stopped at the door and peeked in. He was sleeping. I watched him for a moment, still struggling to get a grip on everything that had just happened. No point waking him and asking what to do—I already knew his answer—so I left. The patrol officer who was supposed to be guarding him was getting a coffee from the vending machine at the end of the hall. Should I tell him about the call? But what if John was watching from somewhere in the hospital?

  I had to think, had to focus. Should I meet John alone or talk to the police? But what if I talked and John made good on his threat?

  No, I had to tell the police. This was too big. But if John found out, he said he’d kill Evan. Stop, Sara, think it through. There was no way John would know if I talked to the cops, he was just trying to scare me. But when I tried to call Billy, there was no answer. He was probably at the hospital with Nadine. I had to talk to someone now.

  Sandy answered on the first ring. I started filling her in.

  “You have to slow down, Sara. I’m not getting all of this.”

  “There’s no way I’m taking Ally to meet him, Sandy. I told him she was in school. But I don’t know what to do.”

  “Yesterday you were dead set against meeting John. How do you feel about it now?” Her voice was tense.

  For a moment I panicked. Dad and Evan would freak. Then I felt all my pieces snap into place. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. There was only one way this was ever going to end.

  “I want to do it. I’m ready. But I can’t bring Ally. If I show up, as bait or whatever, can you arrest him before he realizes Ally’s not with me?”

  “If he’s watching from a distance and sees she’s not there, he might follow through on his threats.”

  “There’s got to be some way to flush him out that doesn’t involve Ally.”

  She was quiet for a moment, then said, “Let’s talk about it when you get here. Just drive home slowly and don’t do anything abnormal in case John’s following. Don’t alert the officers at the hospital, I’ll take care of it. Don’t even pick up your cell while you’re driving—he might panic if he thinks you’re calling us. Think of him like a bomb, Sara. It won’t take much to set him off.”

  “But what if it’s him calling?”

  “Do not engage in another conversation with him until we have a plan.”

  “Are you going to beef up the security for Evan and Nadine?”

  “They’re already under protection. If we send more and he’s watching, he’ll know you’ve alerted us.”

  “What about Billy, should I call him and—”

  “I’ll fill Billy in.” Her voice was firm. “Just stay calm and we’ll talk more when you get here.”

  * * *

  The next hour was the longest drive of my life. It was already a hot day, but my body was slick with nervous sweat, my hands clammy as I gripped the wheel. I didn’t have cell coverage most of the way, so I wasn’t sure if John had tried to reach me again. I checked my rearview mirror constantly, wondering if he was following or if he was down in Nanaimo. What if he was watching Ally’s school and realized she wasn’t there?

  Still running worst-case scenarios in my mind as I neared my house, I shot through a yellow light and the patrol car following me stopped at the red. He turned on his lights, but a large tractor-trailer was going through the intersection. As I pulled in my driveway, I noticed that the patrol car normally parked on the road was gone. He must’ve been relieved by the one following me. I jumped out of the SUV and sprinted to the front door.

  I shoved my key into the lock and called out, “It’s me—Sara. I’m home.” No sounds of feet running. No Moose barking.

  As I turned the key I realized the door wasn’t locked. Sandy would never leave the door unlocked. I hesitated—could John be inside? Adrenaline rushed through my body. My daughter was in there.

  I pushed open the door.

  The house was quiet.

  “Sandy? Ally? Hello?”

  I raced upstairs and checked Ally’s room. She wasn’t there. One of her shoes was kicked off into the middle of the room. She was wearing them this morning.

  I ran down the hall to my room. Empty. Were they in the backyard? I sprinted downstairs and opened the sliding glass door. As soon as I stepped out I saw Sandy hog-tied on the ground by my feet.

  For a minute my mind couldn’t compute the image, then it hit. I dropped to my knees beside her.

  “Sandy!” I wanted to shake her and scream, Where’s Ally? Bu
t her face was turned to the side and a rivulet of blood trickled from her nose. The back of her head was matted with blood. I spotted an envelope lying near her shoulder, my name scrawled on it in bold letters. There was a cell and a folded piece of paper inside. I unfolded the note. The writing was messy, but the words leaped out: If you ever want to see Ally again don’t tell anyone.… Before I could read the rest something fell out of the envelope. I picked it up. It was a lock of Ally’s hair, one soft, dark ringlet. The air left my throat in a long moan.

  A man shouted from inside the house, “Everything okay? The door was wide open!”

  The patrolman.

  I opened my mouth to scream that Ally was missing. Stop, think. What if John killed her? If I told the police she was gone they’d never let me out of the house.

  I heard myself yell, “Sandy’s hurt!”

  His feet were heavy. “Officer down. Officer down!” He came through the sliding glass door with a radio to his mouth. I shoved the cell and note into my pocket and stood up on shaky legs.

  “She’s breathing, but her head’s bleeding, and—”

  He pushed me out of the way, checked Sandy’s pulse. I stared at his back. Should I tell him about the note?

  If you ever want to see Ally again …

  I backed away unsteadily. In the living room I stopped and read the rest of the note. The words danced before my eyes.

  Drive north. Come alone. I’ll call with directions. If anyone follows she’s dead.

  Sirens wailed in the distance. Should I wait? A voice in my head screamed, Leave, get Ally, there’s no time! I sprinted out the front, grabbed my keys out of the door, jumped into the Cherokee, and gunned the engine. I reversed down the driveway, narrowly missing the side of the parked patrol car. At the end of the driveway, I slammed the Cherokee into drive and stomped my foot down hard on the gas.