Pricksongs & Descants
Page 23
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“Dolly! My God! Dolly, I can explain!” She glowers down at them, her ripped girdle around her ankles. “What the four of you are doing in the bathtub with my babysitter?” she says sourly. “I can hardly wait!”
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Police sirens wail, lights flash. “I heard the scream!” somebody shouts. There were two boys!” “I saw a man!” “She was running with the baby!” “My God!” somebody screams, “they’re all dead!” Crowds come running. Spotlights probe the bushes.
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“Harry, where the hell you been?” his wife whines, glaring blearily up at him from the carpet. “I can explain,” he says. “Hey, whatsamatter, Harry?” his host asks, smeared with butter for some goddamn reason. “You look like you just seen a ghost!” Where did he leave his drink? Everybody’s laughing, everybody except Dolly, whose cheeks are streaked with tears. “Hey, Harry, you won’t let them take me to a rest home, will you, Harry?”
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10:00. The dishes done, children to bed, her books read, she watches the news on television. Sleepy. The man’s voice is gentle, soothing. She dozes—awakes with a start: a babysitter? Did the announcer say something about a babysitter?
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“Just want to catch the weather,” the host says, switching on the TV. Most of the guests are leaving, but the Tuckers stay to watch the news. As it comes on, the announcer is saying something about a babysitter. The host switches channels. “They got a better weather man on four,” he explains. “Wait!” says Mrs. Tucker. “There was something about a babysitter ...!” The host switches back. “Details have not yet been released by the police,” the announcer says. “Harry, maybe we’d better go ...”
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They stroll casually out of the drugstore, run into a buddy of theirs. “Hey! Did you hear about the babysitter?” the guy asks. Mark grunts, glances at Jack. “Got a smoke?” he asks the guy.
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“I think I hear the baby screaming!” Mrs. Tucker cries, running across the lawn from the drive.
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She wakes, startled, to find Mr. Tucker hovering over her. “I must have dozed off!” she exclaims. “Did you hear the news about the babysitter?” Mrs. Tucker asks. “Part of it,” she says, rising. “Too bad, wasn’t it?” Mr. Tucker is watching the report of the ball scores and golf tournaments. I’ll drive you home in just a minute, dear,” he says. “Why, how nice!” Mrs. Tucker exclaims from the kitchen. “The dishes are all done!”
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“What can I say, Dolly?” the host says with a sigh, twisting the buttered strands of her ripped girdle between his fingers. “Your children are murdered, your husband gone, a corpse in your bath tub, and your house is wrecked. I’m sorry. But what can I say?” On the TV, the news is over, and they’re selling aspirin. “Hell, I don’t know,” she says. “Let’s see what’s on the late late movie.”
THE HAT ACT
In the middle of the stage: a plain table,
A man enters, dressed as a magician with black cape and black silk hat Doffs hat in wide sweep to audience, bows elegantly.
Applause.
He displays inside of hat. It is empty. He thumps it It is clearly empty. Places hat on table, brim up. Extends both hands over hat, tugs back sleeves exposing wrists, snaps fingers. Reaches in, extracts a rabbit.
Applause.
Pitches rabbit into wings. Snaps fingers over hat again, reaches in, extracts a dove.
Applause.
Pitches dove into wings. Snaps fingers over hat, reaches in, extracts another rabbit No applause. Stuffs rabbit hurriedly back in hat, snaps fingers, reaches in, extracts another hat, precisely like the one from which it came. ,
Applause.
Places second hat alongside first one. Snaps fingers over new hat, withdraws a third hat, exactly like the first two.
Light applause.
Snaps fingers over third hat, withdraws a fourth hat, again identical. No applause. Does not snap fingers. Peers into fourth hat, extracts a fifth one. In fifth, he finds a sixth. Rabbit appears in third hat Magician extracts seventh hat from sixth. Third hat rabbit with draws a second rabbit from first hat. Magician withdraws eighth hat from seventh, ninth from eighth, as rabbits extract other rabbits from other hats. Rabbits and hats are everywhere Stage is one mad turmoil of hats and rabbits.
Laughter and applause.
Frantically, magician gathers up hats and stufEs diem into each other, bowing, smiling at audience, pitching rabbits three and four at a time into wings, smiling, bowing. It is a desperate struggle. At first, it is difficult to be sure he is stuffing hats and pitching rabbits faster than they are reappearing. Bows, stuffs, pitches, smiles, perspires.
Laughter mounts.
Slowly die confusion diminishes. Now there is one small pile of hats and rabbits. Now there are no rabbits. At last there are only two hats. Magician, perspiring from overexertion, gasping for breath, staggers to table with two hats.
Light applause, laughter.
Magician, mopping brow with silk handkerchief, stares in perplexity at two remaining hats. Pockets handkerchief. Peers into one hat, then into other. Attempts tentatively to stuff first into second, but in vain. Attempts to fit second into first, but also without success. Smiles weakly at audience. No applause. Drops first hat to floor, leaps on it until crushed. Wads crushed hat in fist, attempts once more to stuff it into second hat Still, it will not fit.
Light booing, impatient applause.
Trembling with anxiety, magician presses out first hat, places it brim up on table, crushes second hat on floor. Wads second hat, tries desperately to jam it into first hat. No, it will not fit. Turns irritably to pitch second hat into wings.
Loud booing.
Freezes. Pales. Returns to table with both hats, first in fair condition brim up, second still in a crumpled wad. Faces hats in defeat. Bows head as though to weep silently.
Hissing and booing.
Smile suddenly lights magician’s face. He smoothes out second hat and places it firmly on his head, leaving first hat bottomside-up on table. Crawls up on table and disappears feet first into hat.
Surprised applause.
Moments later, magician’s feet poke up out of hat on table, then legs, then torso. Last part to emerge is magician’s head, which, when lifted from table, brings first hat with it Magician doffs first hat to audience, shows it is empty. Second hat has disappeared. Bows deeply.
Enthusiastic and prolonged applause, cheers.
Magician returns hat to head, thumps it, steps behind table. Without removing hat, reaches up, snaps fingers, extracts rabbit from top of hat
Applause.
Pitches rabbit into wings. Snaps fingers, withdraws dove from top of hat.
Sprinkling of applause.
Pitches dove into wings. Snaps fingers, extracts lovely assistant from top of hat.
Astonished but enthusiastic applause and whistles.
Lovely assistant wears high feathery green hat, tight green halter, little green shorts, black net stockings, high green heels. Smiles coyly at whistles and applause, scampers boundly offstage.
Whistling and shouting, applause.
Magician attempts to remove hat, but it appears to be stuck. Twists and writhes in struggle with stuck hat.
Mild laughter.
Struggle continues. Contortions. Grimaces.
Laughter.
Finally, magician requests two volunteers from audience. Two large brawny men enter stage from audience, smiling awkwardly.
Light applause and laughter.
One large man grasps hat, other clutches magician’s legs. They pull cautiously. The hat does not come off. They pull harder. Still, it is stuck. They tug now with great effort, their heavy faces reddening, their thick neck muscles taut and throbbing. Magician’s neck stretches, snaps in two: POP! Large men tumble apart, rolling to opposite sides of stage, one with body, other wi
th hat containing magician’s severed head.
Screams of terror.
Two large men stand, stare aghast at handiwork, clutch mouths.
Shrieks and screams.
Decapitated body stands.
Shrieks and screams.
Zipper in front of decapitated body opens, magician emerges. He is as before, wearing same black cape and same black silk hat. Pitches deflated decapitated body into wings. Pitches hat and head into wings. Two large men sigh with immense relief, shake heads as though completely baffled, smile faintly, return to audience. Magician doffs hat and bows.
Wild applause, shouts, cheers.
Lovely assistant, still in green costume, enters, carrying glass of water.
Applause and whistling.
Lovely assistant acknowledges whistling with coy smile, sets glass of water on table, stands dutifully by. Magician hands her his hat, orders her by gesture to eat it.
Whistling continues.
Lovely assistant smiles, bites into hat, chews slowly.
Laughter and much whistling.
She washes down each bite of hat with water from glass she has brought in. Hat at last is entirely consumed, except for narrow silk band left on table. Sighs, pats slender exposed tummy.
Laughter and applause, excited whistling.
Magician invites young country boy in audience to come to stage. Young country boy steps forward shyly, stumbling clumsily over own big feet. Appears confused and utterly abashed.
Loud laughter and catcalls.
Young country boy stands with one foot on top of other, staring down redfaced at his hands, twisting nervously in front of him.
Laughter and catcalls increase.
Lovely assistant sidles up to boy, embraces him in motherly fashion. Boy ducks head away, steps first on one foot, then on other, wrings hands.
More laughter and catcalls, whistles.
Lovely assistant winks broadly at audience, kisses young country boy on cheek. Boy jumps as though scalded, trips over own feet, and falls to floor.
Thundering laughter.
Lovely assistant helps boy to his feet, lifting him under armpits. Boy, ticklish, struggles and giggles helplessly.
Laughter (as before).
Magician raps table with knuckles. Lovely assistant releases hysterical country boy, returns smiling to table. Boy resumes awkward stance, wipes his runny nose with back of his hand, sniffles.
Mild laughter and applause.
Magician hands lovely assistant narrow silk band of hat she has eaten. She stuffs band into her mouth, chews thoughtfully, swallows with some difficulty, shudders. She drinks from glass. Laughter and shouting have fallen away to expectant hush. Magician grasps nape of lovely assistant’s neck, forces her head with its feathered hat down between her stockinged knees. He releases grip and her head springs back to upright position. Magician repeats action slowly. Then repeats action rapidly four or five times. Looks inquiringly at lovely assistant. Her face is flushed from exertion. She meditates, then shakes head: no. Magician again forces her head to her knees, releases grip, allowing head, to snap back to upright position. Re peats this two or three times. Looks inquiringly at lovely assistant. She smiles and nods.-Magician drags abashed young country boy over behind lovely assistant and invites him to reach into lovely assistant’s tight green shorts. Young country boy is flustered beyond belief.
Loud laughter and whistling resumes.
Young country boy, in desperation, tries to escape. Magician captures him and drags him once more behind lovely assistant
Laughter etc. (as before).
Magician grasps country boy’s arm and thrusts it forcibly into lovely assistant’s shorts. Young country boy wets pants.
Hysterical laughter and catcalls.
Lovely assistant grimaces once. Magician, smiling, releases grip on agonizingly embarrassed country boy. Boy withdraws hand. In it, he finds he is holding magician’s original black silk hat, entirely whole, narrow silk band and all.
Wild applause and footstamping, laughter and cheers.
Magician winks broadly at audience, silencing them momentarily, invites young country boy to don hat Boy ducks head shyly. Magician insists. Timidly, grinning foolishly, country boy lifts hat to head. Water spills out, runs down over his head, and soaks young country boy.
Laughter, applause, wild catcalls.
Young country boy, utterly humiliated, drops hat and turns to run offstage, but lovely assistant is standing on his foot He trips and falls to his face.
Laughter etc. (as before).
Country boy crawls abjectly offstage on his stomach. Magician, laughing heartily with audience, pitches lovely assistant into wings, picks up hat from floor. Brushes hat on sleeve, thumps it two or three times, returns it with elegant flourish to his head.
Appreciative applause.
Magician steps behind table. Carefully brushes off one space on table. Blows away dust Reaches for hat But again, it seems to be stuck. Struggles feverishly with hat.
Mild laughter.
Requests volunteers. Same two large men as before enter. One quickly grasps hat, other grasps magician’s legs. They tug furiously, but in vain.
Laughter and applause.
First large man grabs magician’s head under jaw. Magician appears to be protesting. Second large man wraps magician’s legs around his waist. Both pull apart with terrific strain, their faces reddening, die veins in their temples throbbing. Magician’s tongue protrudes, hands flutter hopelessly.
Laughter and applause.
Magician’s neck stretches. But it does not snap. It is now several feet long. Two large men strain mightily. Laughter and applause. Magician’s eyes pop like bubbles from their sockets.
Laughter and applause.
Neck snaps at last. Large men tumble head over heels with respective bloody burdens to opposite sides of stage. Expectant amused hush falls over audience. First large man scrambles to his feet, pitches head and hat into wings, rushes to assist second large man. Together they unzip decapitated body. Lovely assistant emerges.
Surprised laughter and enthusiastic applause, whistling.
Lovely assistant pitches deflated decapitated body into wings. Large men ogle her and make mildly obscene gestures for audience.
Mounting laughter and friendly catcalls.
Lovely assistant invites one of two large men to reach inside her tight green shorts.
Wild whistling.
Both large men jump forward eagerly, tripping over each other and tumbling to floor in angry heap. Lovely assistant winks broadly at audience.
Derisive catcalls.
Both men stand, face each other, furious. First large man spits at second. Second pushes first. First returns push, toppling second to floor. Second leaps to feet, smashes first in nose. First reels, wipes blood from nose, drives fist into second’s abdomen.
Loud cheers.
Second weaves confusedly, crumples miserably to floor clutching abdomen. First kicks second brutally in face.
Cheers and mild laughter.
Second staggers blindly to feet, face a mutilated mess. First smashes second back against wall, knees him in groin. Second doubles over, blinded with pain. First clips second with heel of hand behind ear. Second crumples to floor, dead.
Prolonged cheering and applause.
First large man acknowledges applause with self-conscious bow. Flexes knuckles. Lovely assistant approaches first large man, embraces him in motherly fashion, winks broadly at audience.
Prolonged applause and whistling.
Large man grins and embraces lovely assistant in unmotherly fashion, as she makes faces of mock astonishment for audience.
Shouting and laughter, wild whistling.
Lovely assistant frees self from large man, turns plump hindquarters to him, and bends over, her hands on her knees, her shapely legs straight. Large man grins at audience, pats lovely assistant’s green-dad rear.
Wild shouting etc. (as before).
Large man reaches inside lovely assistant’s tight green shorts, rolls his eyes, and grins obscenely. She grimaces and wiggles rear briefly.
Wild shouting etc. (as before).
Large man withdraws hand from inside lovely assistant’s shorts, extracting magician in black cape and black silk hat.
Thunder of astonished applause.
Magician bows deeply, doffing hat to audience.
Prolonged enthusiastic applause, cheering.
Magician pitches lovely assistant and first large man into wings. Inspects second large man, lying dead on stage. Unzips him and young country boy emerges, flushed and embarrassed. Young country boy creeps abjectly offstage on stomach.
Laughter and catcalls, more applause.
Magician pitches deflated corpse of second large man into wings. Lovely assistant reenters, smiling, dressed as before in high feathery hat, tight green halter, green shorts, net stockings, high heels.
Applause and whistling.
Magician displays inside of hat to audience as lovely assistant points to magician. He thumps hat two or three times. It is empty. Places hat on table, and invites lovely assistant to enter it. She does so.
Vigorous applause.
Once she has entirely disappeared, magician extends both hands over hat, tugs back sleeves exposing wrists, snaps ringers. Reaches in, extracts one green high-heeled shoe.
Applause.
Pitches shoe into wings. Snaps fingers over hat again. Reaches in, withdraws a second shoe.
Applause.
Pitches shoe into wings. Snaps finger over hat Reaches in, with draws one long net stocking.
Applause and scattered whistling.
Pitches stocking into wings. Snaps fingers over hat. Reaches in, extracts a second black net stocking.
Applause and scattered whistling.
Pitches stocking into wings. Snaps fingers over hat Reaches in, pulls out high feathery hat.