“Blake understands walking away. She’s excellent at doing it herself.” He held up one hand, ticking examples of this off on his fingers. “Moving out of my house. Something happened with Chris, because there’s no way he would have waited this long to marry her otherwise. And now, with Matthew. She doesn’t hash things out, doesn’t make an attempt to better the situation. She doesn’t hear anyone out. If they don’t agree with her, she cuts them out of her life, severing all ties like it’s nothing.”
I swallowed with difficulty because the harsh assessment was true. I reached for my coffee as a stalling measure, simply to try to come up with a response. But there was none. There was only the slight hope that whatever had made her reconsider her stance on me and Chris would also make her rethink the decision she’d made regarding Matthew.
“She let Chris back in eventually. And if there’s anyone out there that she possibly loves more than him, it’s Matthew.”
A weak defense, but really the only one I had at that point.
“Romantic love and family love are different. And though Chris and Matthew are best friends, they have entirely different personalities.”
“You can say that again.” I couldn’t help the chuckle that infused those words, and Alan picked up on the humor as well.
“You and Chris don’t entirely see eye to eye?”
“Things are getting better,” I hedged. “But we agree on this for the most part.”
“The problem with that is that if Blake thinks everyone else is against her, it might make her convictions that she’s right even stronger. I know that sounds backwards, but it’s the ‘me against the world’ way of thinking. That’s what makes her so successful in business. But she can’t separate her thinking from that cutthroat style that she has in her career when it comes to personal matters. And that may be to the detriment of everyone else around her.”
“So what now? Will Patricia be okay with only half of her family unit restored?”
Alan shrugged. “It appears that she has no other choice than to hope for the best and expect the worst.”
“And I’ll continue to try on my end, but I’m not one for confrontation. We’ve reached out in little ways, but with no response. We won’t keep Sadie from spending time with her aunt, and Matthew and I have made that crystal clear. If we have to treat this like a divorce situation with custody arrangements, then I guess that’s the only solution. But the woman is unwavering. Even Chris can’t get a read on her.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“So why come here if nothing can be resolved, no matter what anyone tries?”
“Because I needed you to hear me out. I needed to speak to you, parent to parent, and let you know where I was coming from so long ago. I’m sure that you’ve only heard bad things about me, some of which were true, but it all came from the best of intentions. And I’m aware of what I missed because of it.”
“Patricia was scared to make the first move,” I told him, “I always assumed because you operated like a tyrant. That if you found out that she’d made contact with us, her meal ticket would vanish.”
Alan shook his head like he couldn’t believe.
“And I was fearful of that as well. I wondered if it was even worth the risk on her part. Would the reward be enough if it meant that you’d never forgive her?”
“I never told Patricia that she couldn’t speak to our children.”
“But you also never made it clear that she could.”
“Perhaps not.”
“And that’s all on you.”
“Perhaps.”
I sighed, folding my arms across my chest. The man was maddening, even if his intentions weren’t as spiteful as I’d originally thought. I felt for him, but at the same time, I blamed him for the mess he’d created. He’d turned a bad situation even worse, the after effects of which were still being felt years later.
“So what comes of this?” I questioned, not certain myself. “Do I tell Matthew not to worry about setting up the guest room for his mother on the off chance you find out she’s speaking to him? Do I invite you over to our house to see your granddaughter? Are we coming over to your place for Thanksgiving now?”
“Do with it what you will,” Alan advised.
“That’s exactly what I was afraid of,” I admitted.
Conversation apparently over, he smoothed his hands over his trousers and stood. Again, I mirrored his action. We didn’t shake hands, didn’t hug, didn’t say anything more than a polite goodbye.
I remained standing after he’d shown himself out, staring at the space he’d vacated.
Until then, I’d held out hope that things with Blake could somehow be resolved. That we could get through to her somehow, someway, and that life would return to normal. With today’s insights, however, I realized that Matthew and I were sufficiently screwed.
And Alan’s presence lingered in my office, his words echoing in my ears long after he’d gone. The more I sat and thought about it - because, really, it was impossible to get any underwriting done with those words drilling into my head - the more I softened towards him. There was no manual for parenting, and he had done the best that he thought he could given the circumstances. What had seemed practically evil when voiced by my husband or sister-in-law became more palatable when coming from the man himself. After all, I was sure that by the time Sadie was a grown woman, she’d have some less than stellar memories of how her father and I handled certain events in her life. Fortunately for us, this period of turmoil was early in her young life, and hopefully she’d have no reason to know about it.
For the rest of the work day, I debated my next moves. Who could I talk to now? Who could help? Of course I’d pour my heart out to Matthew the moment I hit our door, but he wasn’t in the position to create results. He’d attempted already, failing miserably. And the thought of Blake having a baby and not being included in my soon to be niece or nephew’s life was like a stabbing pain in my stomach.
If only I’d kept quiet. If only I’d shooed Patricia out of my office that fateful day, pushing her visit under the rug and never telling anyone about it. We could have all lived happily in our status quo. But no. I’d wanted bigger and better, and the only thing that had led to had been bigger problems.
At five o’clock on the dot, I powered down my computer, locked my file cabinets and desk drawers and headed out to the parking lot. I collected Sadie from Regina’s house, honking as I passed Gracie’s driveway, but refusing the urge to stop. I didn’t want to tangle her up in this any more than she already was. Blake wasn’t family to her, but was the reason for her livelihood and I couldn’t risk ruining things for my best friend like I had for everyone else. Besides, Will’s Jeep was parked in front of the house and I didn’t want to interrupt whatever they were up to by showing up unannounced.
I needed to go home. Needed the comfort that only Matthew could provide. It suddenly all made sense. How the Snyder siblings tended to react to adversity with their sexual prowess. Because I could think of nothing more I wanted at that moment than to feel his arms around me, to have him inside me, connected in the most intimate of ways to the only person who could soothe me.
As if he somehow sensed my yearning for him, Matthew was already home. The sight of both of his cars in the garage brought a smile to my lips, even as I braced myself for the consequences that my words might have on him. No, he wouldn’t be upset with me because his father had shown up at the bank, but he might be a little perturbed that I’d once declared my hatred for the man, then been won over by him so easily.
“Come on, sweetie,” I cooed to Sadie as I unbuckled her from the car seat. I scooped her up, unconsciously using her as a buffer as I made my way into the kitchen.
“Hey, gorgeous,” Matthew called as soon as the door unlatched and swung open.
“Hey there.”
He stood at the island, though the concrete countertop remained bare. He hadn’t been home for very long, still in his work clothes
, and he hadn’t been inspired enough to begin preparing a meal. But he had been waiting for me to arrive, which meant the world. I didn’t doubt that he would have remained in that very spot had I made a detour to Gracie’s, though he might have tried to assemble dinner.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I handed off his daughter to him before speaking. He took her without further prompting, allowing me to pace the footprint of the kitchen while I gathered my thoughts.
“Your father showed up today. And he didn’t tell me anything we didn’t already know about Blake, but he did assure me that he’s known for quite some time what your mother’s been doing. And he atoned for his sins, as much as I think he ever will. And I kind of liked him.”
Matthew’s brow furrowed as he considered this. “He is a charmer.”
“Like someone else I know?”
I was rewarded with a grin before the mood turned somber again.
“And what was his take on Blake? What did he have to say that didn’t surprise you?”
“That she’s not coming back.”
Matthew winced, but he made no move to argue. Instead, silence passed between us as I let him digest the news. Then finally, there was acceptance.
“He’s right,” Matthew admitted.
“I’m so sorry.”
There was something so final about those words, so haunting that we were only miles away from her in reality, yet the distance was impossible to breach. Just like that, it was over. We had given up.
We said nothing more about it, virtually carrying on our evening meal like mimes. Even Sadie took note and barely made a sound, letting us marinate in our own self-pity. By the time we put our daughter to bed, we both knew the salve for our wounds was mere minutes away.
Wordlessly, Matthew closed the door to Sadie’s room and extended his hand, leading me into our bedroom. Instead of stopping at our king sized bed, he continued on into the master bath, letting me go long enough to turn on the showerhead. As the water warmed, he peeled off my clothing, his lips replacing the fabric as it fell to the tile beneath us.
We made love under the spray, the salt from our tears mixing with the water coming from overhead. For this night, he didn’t want me to see him cry, even though I knew it was happening. He wanted to be the stoic one for me, while I wept for him, because of him, releasing my own pain as well.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Blake
A boy.
The life growing inside of me was a boy. And every moment that he made his presence known was one of awe. Funny that as he developed, invading my body and causing the typical pregnancy discomforts, I found it easier to breathe. Every kick in the lungs or upon my bladder was a reminder that this was real. He was real, not a figment of my imagination, but an honest to goodness baby that would soon be met by two very anxious new parents.
“Holy hell, Blake,” Gracie growled behind me, “if you don’t move out of my way, you’re going to have the damn kid before his nursery is ready.”
I laughed, triggering movement from within. My hand reached down to rub my belly, trying to determine if it was a foot or elbow that had caused the commotion. I was no good at deciphering; not that it really mattered. And then I got out of Gracie’s way.
She and Chris had painted the room that used to be Lauren’s, stripping it of any physical memories while I’d been at work. No more pink and gray remained, covered by the palest of blues. Though the two of them could lie until they turned blue in the face about wanting to protect me from the fumes, I knew what their true intentions had been. And I was willing to humor them and pretend that a fresh coat of color could gloss over what had been made of my personal life.
Now wasn’t the time to focus on that. I had one goal to concern myself with, and that was bringing this pregnancy to term successfully. So far, I’d accomplished that with remarkably little effort. Maybe it was an apology of sorts for all of the trauma in the past.
“I’m not even sure he’ll sleep up here for the first few weeks,” I admitted.
Chris and I had purchased a bassinet to keep downstairs in our bedroom. Depending upon my delivery, I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to negotiate my way up to the loft quickly enough to tend to a newborn. I remembered Lauren moving rather slowly after giving birth, though with her living in a ranch, it hadn’t been much of a detriment to her parenting. On the other hand, Chris would go back to work much sooner than I would, and he definitely needed his sleep for that. We’d just have to play it by ear when it happened.
“No matter,” Gracie said dismissively, “he’ll get to it when he gets to it.”
Yes, Chris and I already had a name picked out for our son. Yes, Gracie had been informed of it during one of our early morning chats over coffee at work. But at my insistence, we didn’t speak about the baby using his proper name. It was always “he”, “him” or “his”, because I hadn’t been able to think of him as an actual little person early on in my pregnancy for fear of growing too attached too soon. And even though I was nearly one hundred percent sure by now that he’d actually come out of me in a form that everyone could meet, the pronoun thing had just stuck. So we rolled with it. Even Chris did it, too.
“Are you going to be home around ten tomorrow morning?” she asked me.
“I don’t know yet,” I replied honestly.
As I grew nearer and nearer to my due date, I’d taken a step back from my duties at the design studio. There’d been plenty of time to prepare my business clients for the upcoming birth and maternity leave, and as a result, my schedule was fairly light. Gracie was doing an excellent job with the residential clients, and I really could have announced at that moment that I wasn’t coming back before delivery with no ill effects. But the truth was I rather enjoyed the routine of going to work, even if it was just to act as a sounding board for Gracie’s sometimes unorthodox ideas.
“Well, if you’re not, let me know and I’ll run by here and open up.”
“Why?”
As far as I was concerned, pretty much everything was set for show time here. Crib, rocking chair, changing table, dressers, all stood guard in the middle of the room, lest they get too close to the paint while it was still tacky. Gracie had enlisted Will to help Chris get it all in place once everything was dry, though I expected she’d be able to attack most of it herself, if not with my husband’s assistance. Like me, my partner was no slouch, no stranger to working up a sweat or getting her hands dirty. But for the life of me, everything looked as though it had already been delivered. Unless -
“What did you do?” I screeched, catching her shit eating grin.
“I might have commissioned one of the art students over at IPFW to paint you a kickass mural.”
We’d done it before, usually on business projects, and the local college campus was always eager to help out. Some of the talent there was incredible, and they worked cheap. Remembering my own undergraduate days, it always made me feel good to give back, and I knew that real world experience was worth its weight in gold. But Gracie had really gone above and beyond taking that aspect of work life and bringing it into my home. As much as she grumbled about pregnancies and babies in general, it was almost enough to make me think she really got wrapped up in it all just like most other women.
I wiped an errant tear from my eye before she noticed and pretended to consider the idea.
“I did think it looked a little plain in here,” I smiled.
“I’m no artist. I’m functional with sketching and all, but nothing you’d want to see every day on your wall. But I was thinking of the room you did for Sadie, knowing that Chris and I would never be able to do something that cool ourselves. And then I got to thinking.”
“It’s scary when you do that sometimes.”
“Oh, don’t be afraid. I told this girl exactly what I envisioned, and she drew up a pattern for me. Chris has seen it, and he signed off on it. It’s absolutely beautiful. You’ll love it.”
“Maybe it wasn
’t the wisest idea for you and my husband to become best buds. You two conspire against me way too much.”
“We do not,” she protested.
And really, it was true. Considering how much leverage the two of them had over me, they didn’t use it to their mutual advantage. Gracie and Chris had struck up an odd friendship, but never once had their loyalty to each other been questioned. Though I suspected that they talked about me and my family drama more than I cared to think about, neither one of them had ever made me feel obligated to bend to their will.
I snorted, my way of letting her know that I was only kidding. Instantly, the tension in the room disappeared and we were back to where we belonged: two business partners, but more importantly two friends, preparing for the miracle of a new life.
“Gracie?” I asked tentatively, disrupting her from her task of filling the dressers with the vast amount of clothing that I’d picked up over the last few weeks. Never mind that I was the one supposed to be nesting, not her.
“Hmm?” She held up a onesie, emblazoned with a fire truck, a questioning look on her face.
“They don’t have ones with ambulances on them,” I explained quickly. “It’s just supposed to be cute, that’s all. Not like a subliminal message.”
“I always did wonder if Will and Chris knew some really hot firefighters. Anyway, you wanted to ask me something?”
“Well,” I stalled, swallowing past the sudden lump that had formed in my throat.
“Spit it out, girlfriend.”
“Would you be my person?”
“Your person?”
“Yeah, you know, like the one that I call when I’m going to the hospital.”
I watched her blanch, then I shook my head. She still looked overly concerned with what I was asking, and I could only imagine the visions going through that mind of hers.
“Not in the delivery room,” I clarified. “Chris and I have decided that we want that to be private. Just for us.”
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